Chapter 32: Steps Forward
They sat in front of each other at the kitchen table, a cup of hot cocoa in front of them. Little marshmallows were floating in the brown substance as they occasionally stirred their cups.
As soon as Buffy had been back on her feet, Joyce had made them the hot cocoa and then she had gone back upstairs to leave the two to talk. It was clear there were a lot of unresolved issues.
“Did you sleep with her?” Buffy asked, looking him straight in the eye.
“No, I didn’t.”
“Were you going to?”
He looked away momentarily and Buffy felt a piercing pain in her heart.
“It’s not what you think Buffy. I didn’t go looking for her. She ran into me on my way over to the pub, and I invited her in to give her a bit of a tour.”
Buff looked at him warily. “Your ex ‘girlfriend’, who you can’t stand, runs into you and you just decide to give her a tour?”
“She’s not my ex-girlfriend, it only happened once.”
“Well, it was obviously going to happen again if I hadn’t messed up your plans!”
“No, Buffy, I really hadn’t planned on anything. You have to believe me.”
“But it could have happened…” she said.
They were both quiet and it was clear by Spike’s silence that she was right about her suspicions.
“I’m not sure how to make this work, Spike.” Buffy felt the tears in her eyes.
“I want to be with you Buffy. I love you.” His voice was rough with emotion.
“If you love me, how could you have even thought of having sex with another woman?”
“I… I don’t know,” he whispered.
“I never slept with Riley, or did anything else with him. You walked in on something that wasn’t anything at all. You must believe me when I tell you I’m not like her. I’m not Cecily.”
“I know. I just… when I saw Riley kissing you it all came back to me, the heartbreak. I couldn’t breath and had to get out of there. A voice in me kept telling me it wasn’t anything, but the pain was too strong. I’m sorry for not letting you explain.”
They were both silent again contemplating what was going to happen next.
“I don’t think I can be with you if you can’t trust me. You told me, when we first met, that I should try and talk to someone about my insecurities.” Buffy looked Spike straight in the eyes. “If this could ever work again, I want you to talk to someone. I can’t be with someone if I know he has issues that could lead us to heartache.”
When he didn’t say anything, she felt her heart drop. She quietly got up from her chair and walked away.
“I’ll do it.”
The words made her stop in her tracks.
“I’ll do anything to be with you, Buffy.”
She saw him get up from his chair and walk slowly towards her. He stopped right in front of her and they stared into each others eyes.
“I’m going to show you how much I love you, and that I’m the one for you.”
“Thank you,” she replied softly and then he pulled her into a tight hug.
“I love you, Buffy,” he whispered in her ear and she felt a lone tear slip from her eye.
“I love you too, Spike.”
She disentangled herself from him and made her way to the living room.
“I’ll go get some blankets so you can sleep on the sofa.” She wasn’t ready for them to share a bed yet. They still had a lot to talk about to clear the air, but at least now they’d made a start.
“Thanks.”
She nodded and walked out to get his sleeping gear. When she came back, Spike was sitting in one of the chairs holding a picture of her, his fingers tracing her face. She made his temporary bed and stood waiting when she was done, not sure if she should just leave or not.
“I’ll see you in the morning.” She was turning around when she felt his hand on her arm. She looked up in his crystal clear eyes.
“Thanks for letting me stay,” he said sincerely.
She smiled at him then. “Don’t thank me just yet.”
One of his hands reached up towards her face and she rested her head slightly against it. She felt the change in the air and when she felt his lips softly ghost over hers she stood where she was, not yet responding, but not pulling away. It wasn’t time yet for full passionate kisses, but the comfort and promise of this brief kiss spoke volumes of what was to come.
She felt him pull back and saw the look of insecurity on his face. She gave him a soft smile and turned towards the staircase. “Goodnight, Spike.”
XXXXX
When Spike walked into the kitchen Joyce was already reading the morning newspaper while enjoying a cup of coffee. She looked up when he entered and gave him a warm smile.
“Good morning, Spike. I hope you had a pleasant sleep.”
“Thanks, Joyce. I slept well. And thank you for not kicking my ass out of the house yesterday.”
“Don’t be silly. Just because you and my daughter are not in a 100% secure relationship right now and have a lot of things to discuss, doesn’t mean I would just turn my back on a man I know is right for my baby girl.”
Spike smiled at her then and sat down in front of her. “Thanks for that. It means a lot to me to know that you approve of what we have. I just hope I can make it right.”
“Just work hard and grovel. You’ll get far by just doing that.”
Spike grinned at that. “I think I can manage that.”
“Can manage what?” Buffy walked into the kitchen and poured herself a cup of coffee, all the while giving Spike a questioning look.
“Living off your exquisite cooking.” Spike grinned at her.
Buffy raised an eyebrow, telling him she didn’t believe a word he was saying.
“I called Tara this morning. I’m going to see her this afternoon. I’d like you to come with me.”
‘Not beating around the bush,’ Spike thought to himself, the message clear that they weren’t in the stage of jokes and laughter yet. “Sure pet, I’ll come with you.”
“Well you two, I’ve got to go to work. Will you call me if you’re not coming here tonight?” Joyce asked her daughter.
“Of course mom, have a good day at work.”
When Joyce left the kitchen Spike looked over at Buffy.
“Thanks for agreeing to come with me today,” Buffy said.
“Don’t thank me. I told you I would do anything to make this work. And I will prove to you it’s all worth it.”
XXXXX
They walked into Tara’s office in silence. They hadn’t really spoken a lot since they left Joyce’s house to go to Buffy’s therapy session. Well, it wasn’t so much Buffy’s therapy session now since Spike was there, and they were bound to talk about what they’d both been going through the last weeks.
“Hey Buffy, Hey Spike. I’ll be back in a sec. You can take a seat of course. Either of you want something to drink?”
Both shook their heads. Silence settling upon them again as Tara left the office.
Buffy looked pale and Spike reached for her hand. She looked up a bit startled, clearly having been lost in thought.
“Are you ok, love? You look a little pale. You’re not going to faint again, are you?”
“I’m just nervous.”
He rubbed his thumb over the back of her hand and it comforted and made her feel uncomfortable at the same time. He looked down at it when she retracted her hand. Spike felt a twinge in his heart. ‘If he hadn’t bollixed things up, he could have taken her in his arms at any given moment. She wouldn’t have extracted herself from him. She wouldn’t…”
“Spike?”
He looked up and saw the worry in her eyes. The thoughts in his head had caused his eyes to glaze over slightly and a pained frown had set on his forehead.
“I’m sorry, Buffy,” he whispered hoarsely.
Her hand came up to his face to graze it slightly and he placed his own hand on top of it, leaning his head into the caress.
“I know you are Spike. And coming here with me means so much to me. If we can get through this…”
“We will Buffy. We will.” He sounded a lot more forceful and to emphasize the power behind his words he pulled her into a hug, needing to feel her warm and soft body against his as reassurance.
XXXXX
Just as Spike pulled back again, Tara walked into the office. She saw the emotion on their faces. She knew from just looking at the two that the love for each other was great, but they had a lot to work through.
When she’d talked to Buffy for an ‘emergency’ meeting, Buffy had stated her concern about Spike’s own trust issues. She was convinced that he was holding on to what was done to him in the past. And even how hard she’d tried to convince him that she wasn’t like that, he’d still made his own conclusions when he saw her with Riley.
And now it was time to do some serious talking. In time things would be better. She just hoped it would be well before the baby was born.
She walked over to her chair and sat down.
“Well guys, let’s get started.”
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I hope you guys enjoy the pace i'm letting this story take. I don't want to force anyting. Hope you anjoyed it! :)
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Hello Sweeties. Thanks so much to everyone for reviewing. I'm trying to keep up with the updating. I've got a new position in the company that i work for, and it's more timeconsuming getting into that. But i hope to be able to keep up with everything.