Chapter 16: The Calm before the Storm
Buffy stood outside Willow and Tara’s apartment debating whether or not to knock. She ran her fingers through her hair and shifted from foot to foot. Just do it, she told herself and rapped the door with her fist.
The door swung open and Tara blinked in surprise at Buffy standing there.
“Um…hi,” Buffy greeted hesitantly, “is Willow here?”
“Uh, yeah, she’s in the shower. Come on in,” Tara motioned for Buffy to step inside.
“So,” Tara asked after she and Buffy sat down on opposing chairs, “how are you?”
Buffy shrugged, giving Tara a small smile, “I’m okay, the last couple of days have been kinda…whoa.”
Tara nodded, “Yeah, they have been.” She paused before adding, “for what it’s worth Buffy, I don’t think anyone’s really mad at you. If that’s what you were worried about.”
Buffy could feel herself relaxing at Tara’s words, “Thanks.”
The bathroom door opened and a cloud of steam poured out as both girls turned to see Willow step out.
“Baby,” she called, rubbing her wet hair with a towel, “what time is Xander and…” she trailed off at the sight of a nervous looking Buffy sitting in her apartment.
“Oh,” Willow stopped, “hi Buffy.”
“Hey Wills,” Buffy said quietly, “I was wondering if I could talk to you for a minute.”
“Um…sure,” Willow replied, “let me just get some clothes, hold on.”
Tara stood up, “I’m just going to go for a walk, sweetie, I’ll be back in a little bit.”
Willow nodded and headed into their bedroom. Buffy shot Tara a grateful look and Tara mouthed ‘Good luck.’
Buffy thanked her and Tara left, closing the door softly. Buffy reclined in the chair, studying the various titles on the bookshelves while waiting for Willow to return.
A couple minutes later, Willow stepped out wearing jeans and a shirt, her wet hair pulled back into a short ponytail.
“So, what did you want to talk about?”
Buffy bit her lip before blurting out, “I’m sorry.”
Willow just glanced down at her hands and Buffy took that as her cue to continue.
“I’m sorry I never told you about…me and Spike,” she said their names in a whisper, “and I’m sorry you had to find out like that. I just…didn’t want anyone to know,” she finished, averting her eyes.
Willow glanced up, her face puzzled, “Why? Why couldn’t you tell me? I wouldn’t have hated you. I don’t hate you,” she corrected herself before continuing, “I just…don’t understand.”
Buffy let out a self-deprecating laugh, “You and me both.”
She exhaled, trying to sort her thoughts. Telling Willow was vastly different from telling Faith, mostly because this time it involved telling Willow why she couldn’t tell her best friend about whom she lost her virginity to.
“I guess I was ashamed and angry with myself,” Buffy began, “and I think I still am. It’s just…” Buffy paused, “I didn’t want to believe it and telling you, telling anyone, would make it real. So I pushed it away. I knew it wasn’t the right thing to do, but…I was so confused.”
Willow’s eyes were misty and she leaned forward to hug her best friend, this time in forgiveness rather than comfort. Buffy hugged her back, holding tight.
“I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have been mad at you,” Willow’s voice was muffled.
“No, you have a right to be a little angry,” Buffy told her, “but not, you know, forever ‘cause then I’d really miss you.”
Willow let out a little laugh. “So listen, Xander and Anya are coming over tonight for movies and gorging on candy. Why don’t you come too?”
Buffy’s nerves came back with a vengeance, “I don’t know…is Xander really mad?”
Willow gave Buffy a sympathetic look, “A little, but it’s more that he’s confused, not really mad and as for Anya, well…”
“Let me guess,” Buffy said dryly, “She’s been asking whether there were lots of orgasms?”
Willow snorted, “Yeah, exactly,” she paused, giving her friend a sly look, “so, were there?”
Buffy’s mouth dropped. “Willow Rosenberg!” she gasped, “you did not just ask that!”
Willow giggled, “Maybe.”
“I cannot believe you...” Buffy shook her head mock-disapprovingly.
Then Willow sobered, leaning forward, “So will you come over tonight? Please, I’ll keep Xander in check.”
Buffy sighed, defeated, “Yeah, I’ll be there.”
That night, Buffy found herself sitting on her bed, staring down at a picture of her, Willow and Xander piled on top of each other with wide smiles. It was from sophomore year in high school at the park.
Looking at the picture, Buffy was reminded of how important her friends were to her and how much she didn’t want to lose them, or more specifically Xander, over her being a chicken. Go, she told herself firmly, and proceeded to get dress in comfy jeans and a top.
“Hey Buffy,” Willow greeted her friend warmly, ushering her inside. She leaned over to whisper, “Xander and Anya are already here.”
Buffy nodded, attempting to swallow her unease. She entered the living room where everyone was sprawled out in various places debating which movie to watch.
As Buffy entered, all eyes glanced up and there was a hush.
“Hi,” Buffy said, her voice wavering ever so slightly. Willow stood by her side, her infamous resolve face firmly planted on.
Xander glanced between his two friends and cleared his throat before speaking.
“So Buff,” he flashed a welcoming smile, “Which movie? A time honored classic or new-release, over the top comedy?”
Her lips curled up into a grin, the tension leaving her body. She felt lighter than she had in days.
Everything’s gonna be okay, she thought happily. Her friends weren’t mad, Spike was, if temporarily, gone and she felt good.
***********************************************************************
Four weeks later
Buffy wasn’t thinking about Spike, much.
She mostly kept herself immersed in her work, her friends and life in general, but sometimes she caught herself wondering about him. He’d called Giles a couple of times and he’d relayed to them about how England was and how Spike was enjoying being back in the ‘motherland’. Buffy busied herself in helping out at the Magic Box during those talks, wanting to hear about Spike, but not without arousing anyone’s, specifically Giles, suspicion.
“Buffy! Magical Properties and Witches: A History do not go on the same shelf! Good lord!” Anya yelped, rushing over to correct Buffy’s mistake.
“Oh,” Buffy looked down at the two books, “sorry I spaced.”
Anya shook her head, “I don’t understand why you’re here anyway. It’s not like I’m paying you,” she paused, giving Buffy a quick look, “and I’m not going to either.”
Buffy rolled her eyes, “I’m not looking for money. I’m just, you know, helping out.”
Anya looked quizzical, “Right, because you’ve done that before.”
Buffy just yanked the books back from Anya and resumed alphabetically placing the books away.
Anya went back to the cash register to help a customer but not without casting a look at Buffy. Ever since Spike had left, Buffy seemed out of sorts. No one was talking about what had happened at the Bronze a month ago and when Anya brought it up with Xander, he brushed her off with a terse ‘let’s not talk about it.’
Personally, Anya didn’t see what the big deal was. It didn’t surprise her that the two blondes had slept together; they’d always had this tension between them.
When Anya had transferred halfway through her senior year to Sunnydale, she’d made the mistake of asking whether Buffy and Spike were a couple after listening to Buffy ramble on for about ten minutes about the bleached blonde. At Buffy’s horrified expression, Anya quickly apologized, but noticed that both blondes always talked about each other, not necessarily in the nicest manner, but enough that Anya wondered if they had hidden less than hating feelings for each other.
Buffy held Silent Dreams in her hands, looking for its correct placement. She trailed a finger over the bindings until she found it. After placing it in its proper spot, Buffy’s eye caught on Spike’s novel, a left over from his book signing, and she unconsciously fingered the spine. Seeing the long lines of people waiting to have their book signed, Buffy had briefly contemplated reading his book, but shot it down, reminding herself how cocky Spike had been about it and if he saw her reading it he’d never let her hear the end of it.
But now her desire to read it grew and Buffy knew she couldn’t just buy it without Xander finding out and then telling Willow. Buffy bit her lip, casting a discretely look at Anya to see she was busy. With quick movements, Buffy took the novel off the shelf and stuffed it in her bag. Without a second thought, Buffy yelled goodbye to Anya and raced out the door, not stopping till she made it to her car.
Safely in her car, Buffy took it out and stared down at the revealing cover.
“I’m officially insane,” she said out loud and started her car, driving back to her house.
Buffy walked up to her room, shutting the door and took out Spike’s book from her bag. She curled up on her bed, kicking off her shoes and began to read.
About five pages into the book, Buffy remembered why she hadn’t read a book since college, it was boring.
Sighing, Buffy flipped towards the middle of the book, skimming over the lines till she came to a very interesting scene. Buffy slowed down, entranced by the erotic words.
”…Jake coasted a cool finger down the side of Erica’s neck, caressing her collarbone. She shivered under his touch and he could hear her pleading whispers. Jake pressed Erica into the silky pillows, his body flush against hers…”
Swallowing hard, Buffy continued to read as the scene became hotter, making her flush. Whoa, Spike definitely knew how to put words to a good affect. She shifted on her bed and lifted her hair off her neck. The room’s temperature seemed to have skyrocketed and Buffy shrugged off her jacket, not missing a single letter.
Five sex scenes later, Buffy had moved so she was on her stomach, the book resting against her pillows. Spike had the amazing capability to capture the erotica and sexiness of sex without making it crude or something straight out of a cheap porn flick.
She found herself at the end of the book and frowned. Unbelievable, she scolded herself; she’d skipped through just to read the sexy parts. Flipping back to the beginning, Buffy was determined to read the book through.
She lazily read it, skimming over parts that didn’t interest her as much. Though, she admitted, Spike did have a pretty good writing style. She was finishing the end of chapter one when a name caught her eye. Muffy.
Buffy frowned, puzzled at the name, wondering what Spike was thinking naming a character something so disturbingly peppy. She began to read faster as Muffy’s character formed and Buffy started to make connections to…no way.
Muffy, she’d learned, was a hazel-eyed, ditzy blonde cheerleader who was also the Slayer, killer of vampires and demons. She was bitchy, stuck-up, temperamental, and seemed to have no commonsense. She won her battles purely on luck, with the occasional help from her friends. And, Buffy discovered, Muffy died by the end of chapter three in the hands of no other than Jake.
Buffy’s mouth dropped open in shock and she slammed the book shut. Spike had invented a character from his high school vision of her!
She wasn’t sure whether to cry or scream in fury at her realization.
Well, Buffy thought bitterly, if she’d doubted his ‘love’ for her, this was the proof.
Buffy couldn’t help but wonder why Spike needed to create a character like Muffy. Was it some sort of childish way of getting back at her?
Buffy angrily shoved her jacket and shoes back on, firmly set on confronting Willow. Surely her friend would have had to make the eerie connection between Muffy and Buffy. She scoffed, even the names rhymed. Though, Buffy sniffed, hers was way better.
Buffy sped to Willow’s apartment, hoping her friend was home. She rapidly climbed the stairs, not bothering with the elevator, until she was in front of the couple’s door.
She pounded loudly on it, her jaw clenched.
Willow opened the door and blinked in surprise, “Buffy? What are you doing here? Not that it’s bad, but-“
Buffy cut off her friend’s babble, “Muffy. Splainy.”
Willow went quiet and began nibbling on her lip nervously. “I was wondering when you’d get around to reading his book. And in Spike’s defense, he changed the name.”
Buffy gave her a look. “To Muffy,” Buffy said the name with disdain.
Willow shrugged, “Okay, not the best, but I asked Spike about it-“
Buffy cut her friend off once again with an accusatory look, “Oh! So there was a discussion about it!”
Willow sighed, “Sweetie, it’s not that bad. So he based a character off you, most author use people in their own lives to make their novel more realistic.”
Buffy crossed her arms across her chest, “Right and most authors describe their character uncannily similar to the real person and kill them in the third chapter!”
Willow winced, “Once again, not the best judgment on Spike’s part, but I don’t think he even really intended to bash you, he just…did.” Willow paused before hesitantly speaking, “And, knowing about what transpired between you two, I think it was his way of, you know, dealing.”
Buffy sighed, slumping in her chair, “Most people when dealing don’t publish their thoughts.”
“I’m not saying it was right,” Willow defended herself, “I’m just trying to point what he was probably thinking.”
Now it was Buffy’s turn to fidget slightly, “There’s something I didn’t tell you, about Spike. I’m not even sure if…”
Willow gazed at Buffy, waiting for her to continue and Buffy exhaled. “After the Bronze, when he told… He came over to apologize and I don’t know if he was drunk, or just wanted to throw me off, or even… I don’t know,” Buffy bit her lip, “Spike said he loved me.”
Willow blinked, her shock clearly seen on her face. “Oh.”
“Yeah,” Buffy mumbled.
“He just…” Willow paused, “said it?”
Buffy nodded, not looking at Willow directly.
“Do you believe him?” Willow asked and Buffy’s head snapped up.
“No!” Buffy said loudly then lowered her voice, “I don’t think so.”
“What did you say?” Willow questioned.
Buffy laughed bitterly, “What could I say? I was floored. I had no idea; I didn’t even pick up on the signals till later. I just told him to leave and slammed the door in his face.”
Willow gave her a sympathetic look, “Buffy, I hate to break it to you but you have to talk to him.”
Buffy closed her eyes, titling her head upwards, “I know.”
“Buffy,” Willow said gently, “how do feel about him?”
Buffy was silent. That was the question she asked herself every night and she still had no answer.
“I care about him,” Buffy began, “but I know I don’t love him.”
Willow paused before asked, “But do you like him, as in more than a friendly way?”
Buffy was silent for so long that Willow didn’t think she’d answer.
“Sometimes I think I do,” Buffy whispered, her voice nearly inaudible, “and then other times I have no clue whatsoever.”
Willow smirked, “Welcome to life.”
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Author's Chapter Notes:
sorry for the delay, I'm in between switching betas because my former beta (i love you!) is extremely busy. Thank you all for your amazing reviews and enjoy this chapter!