The basis of optimism is sheer terror. ~Oscar Wilde
Buffy reeled back as if a meteor had hit her square between the eyes. She sat up and away from her lover, and then stared at him. "What?"
He grinned sheepishly, "So you didn't like that?"
"You mean the fact that you just asked if -- did you really just ask, or were you going for a hypothetical...either way, I mean ... what?"
Grabbing her hand in his, he settled his eyes on her, his gaze full of love and adoration. Bringing her hand to his lips, he kissed it softly before gazing back up at her. "I meant it."
Before he could say another word, Buffy was out of bed like a shot. She was haze of sheets and limbs, grabbing the black sheet with her and wrapping it around herself. "Oh, no, no, no."
"What do you mean no?" he nearly barked, crawling out of bed, and not caring in the least that he was butt naked.
"Okay, that was harsh," she conceded. "Spike, God, you just...we just...I just...and we just...you can't...we can't...I can't....That's such a big step. Gargantuan. Do you really want to get married again? Spike, we literally just got together."
He waved his hand at her, dismissing her, "P-shaw. We did not just get together. All this time it's just been foreplay."
"I don't consider it foreplay when you were spending most of your time foreplaying around with other women."
"Am I still going to be held accountable for that?"
"No, but I'm making a distinct point. You want to write this is off as we've somehow been together all this time, but in reality, we haven't."
“We’re together now though and we’ve been friends for so long, doesn’t that count for anything?”
“Yes, it counts for the fact that we know each other pretty well and from that friendship, fell in love. But, Spike…we just got together and I don’t think you’re ready or—“
“Me, ready? I have been married before, Buffy. You haven’t been married, on the other hand. I know what to expect here, you don’t.”
She gave him a look. “Spike, you hated being married to Sam. You weren’t happy in your marriage so you don’t know what to expect, not really. Maybe the logistics, but I’m not Sam and you’re not the same person you were when you were with her—“
“So you don’t think I can be a good husband? You don’t think I’ve changed at all? Still? You think I’m just going to go sleeping around again?”
“I didn’t say that!” Buffy exclaimed, throwing her arms up. “My God, get off the paranoid train and hop onto some reality here!”
Letting out a frustrated growl, Spike stalked out of the room leaving Buffy standing there feeling helpless.
“Oh no you don’t,” she muttered and went after him. “William Giles, don’t you dare walk away from me like that!”
She found him downstairs already, pouring himself a drink at his bar.
“What the hell are you doing?” she demanded, stalking down the stairs, mindful of the sheet dragging behind her. “We’re in the middle of a discussion and you just take off to get a drink? What the hell is that about?”
He glared at her. “Needed a bit of a reprieve is all. I was feeling attacked and had to get away to clear my head.”
“Oh, I see. But you want to get married and have a mature relationship when you can’t even hash out an issue for five minutes without having to leave the room. That would be one reason why marriage is not something you’re ready for.”
He pointed at himself. “Me? Just me then? This has nothing at all to do with you, right? Of course not, why would it? You’re perfect!”
“I never said that, jackass. I’m not ready for marriage either, and for reasons that have nothing to do with you at all if you must know! If you would have waited half a minute, I would have gotten there. You know, this is so like you. You leap before you look all the time and when you don’t get what you want, you throw up your hands and take off. You’re the one that’s gone on and on these past couple days about working things out and sticking together and not running, but at the first sign of disagreement, you’re walking out.”
“You were rejecting me! What do you expect me to do? Stand there while you tell me all the reasons why I wouldn’t make a good husband to you?” he yelled at her, exasperated.
“I wasn’t telling you that you would be a bad husband, I was trying to tell you that we’re not ready. Maybe I wasn’t forthright with the ‘we’, but I’m saying we are not ready, Spike. We haven’t been a couple for very long. We haven’t done coupley things together, though we seem to be having our first fight. I don’t want to rush into something that neither of us is ready for when we haven’t done other things that couples should do before they start planning those things. Spike, I want to be with you, I do, but God, I’m not ready for marriage yet. I haven’t even decided if I want to move he---Oh, I get it now.” She pointed at him, waving her finger. “That’s what this is about. You think if you propose, I’ll stay.”
He looked away from him, placing his glass down. “Is that so wrong of me to want you to stay here?”
She made a sour face, wrinkling her nose at him. “Spike, you don’t propose to like that to get me to stay. That’s. . . lame. And it feels kind of cheap.”
“Buffy, I didn’t just say that to get you to stay. I do want to be with you, pet. I do want to marry you. Is it so wrong to want to speed up the process a bit? Get us on the right track? It’s not like we have to get married right away, we could have a long engagement.”
“We are on the right track already. We don’t need to get engaged to be on the right track. Spike, so much has happened since I got here and it’s all been quite the whirlwind….and I’m not just talking about me, I’m talking with you. You’ve had some pretty life changing events happen here. You’re remaking your whole life and it’s a fabulous thing, and it’s not an overnight thing, as you well know now. It’s a process you’ve got going here with you and Alicia, and to some extent, Sam. You knew going into this that it wasn’t going to be ‘oh, I’m in her life and it’s great now’. You know you’ve still got work to do and that’s okay. It’s okay to take time because time is what’s going to build that foundation with Alicia and Sam.”
“You keep bringing Sam into this, why do you keep bringing Sam into this?”
“Because she’s going to be your greatest ally with Alicia. Especially when Alicia turns thirteen. She’s a force to be reckoned with now, but you do need her in your quest to make things right with your daughter.”
Sighing heavily, Spike sat down on the couch, “Yeah, you’re right.”
“Of course I’m right. You could save me a lot of precious time by accepting the reality that I’m always right,” Buffy quipped and sat down next to him, placing a hand on his leg.
He gave her a look, “Don’t push it Summers.”
She smiled, “I’m kidding. Look, it’s the same with me, with us. It’s not an overnight thing. It wasn’t an overnight thing for us to come together and it won’t be an overnight thing for us to stay together. It’s pretty life changing in itself when you fall in love with somebody, even if you’ve known that somebody for a long time, and even if they are your best friend. I don’t want to miss moments because we’re rushing to some invisible finish line that only you can see. And I don’t want to start problems because we’re rushing to that finish line. There are still things we need to get acclimated to and it’s not going to happen overnight, and Spike, that’s okay. All those thing will fall into place…in time. I love you, and I want to be with you and someday I’d like to discuss marriage with you, but not right now.”
“Next week?” he asked hopefully.
Buffy chuckled and shook her head, “No, not then either.”
“I’m getting along, pet. We don’t want to waste forever.”
“You’re not getting along,” she said, swatting him on the leg and rolling her eyes. “We’ve got time. Let’s get through the first hurdle of what happened last night before we get to marriage and all that other stuff. I mean, can you honestly say you’re ready?”
He stared at her for a long time, studying her. Taking a deep breath he shook his head, “Buffy, I . . . I want to say that no, I’m not ready, because I know you think I’m not—“
“Spike—“
He held up his hand, “Let me finish.”
Nodding, she gestured for him to continue. “And part of me isn’t ready. But then I think of my future and what I see in it, and I see you, pet. I see you and me and Alicia. I see a little one of our own. I see a family and a house and big yard. I see barbecue’s and birthday parties and all that stuff that normal families do. I see that with you, pet. And yeah, the thought of you leaving next week does terrify me, and yeah, it did make me jump the gun in asking, but that’s who I am. I do leap before I look, and I don’t always think about what I’m doing. I just know what feels right, and what feels right is you, right here, with me.”
Reaching out, she cradled the side of his face with her hand and looked at him imploringly. “And I’m right here. Spike, I just got you, and even though I haven’t gotten it all figured out yet, I am not going to just up and leave and have that be the end of this. You want me trust you, can you trust me too?”
Leaning his head into her hand, he nuzzled her palm and pressed a kiss into it. “Yeah, pet, I can trust you.”
“Can we take this one step at a time? Please?”
He nodded, “I’m sorry I walked out like that.”
“No, I know your temper by now. And that you were feeling sensitive because you thought I was rejecting you.”
“Oi. Can we make sure that doesn’t get out either?”
Laughing, she lunged at him, straddling his lap and wrapping her arms around him. “I just know you oh so well. And you know me so well.”
“Makes us right perfect for each other, doesn’t it?” he mused.
She smiled, “It does at that. Now, what do you say we do the first thing that couples that just get together usually do.”
“And that is?”
Buffy smiled wide and said enthusiastically, “Spend the whole day in bed having sex! And considering we just had our first fight, now we get to kill two birds with one stone and have make-up sex on top of it!”
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Hi everyone. Just wanted to say thanks for the reviewing and reading, and for the well wishes. I am feeling better, and funnily enough, will feel even better once I'm off the meds that are making me quite loopy. Plus, it'll be great when I can eat normally again lol. Thank you! :)