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Author's Chapter Notes:
Hey guys, just wanted to thank you for sticking with me on this. :)
Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.~Oscar Wilde

The car ride had been silent. Buffy had tried to talk to him upon entering the car and he'd told her "Not now, Buffy."

Once they'd arrived at his place, he'd stormed up to his room, and emerged a few minutes later as she was poking through the fridge to find something to snack on.

"I'm going out," he announced.

She turned to him, "What do you mean you're going out?"

He met her eyes, "I mean, I'm going out."

"Where?"

"For a drink."

"Spike-"

"Don't start, Buffy."

"You're blowing me off already." She let out an utterance of disgust, at herself, not at him. "I can't believe I fucking believed you," she said, shaking her head.

"Buffy, I'm going out for one drink-"

"Yeah, that's the way it always starts though, isn't it Spike? 'I went out for one drink and met this chick and etc., etc., etc."

"Buffy, I'm not going to meet any chick! God, I'm just going out for a sodding drink!"

"No, you're not. You know it and I know it. You just don't like that I know it."

"Buffy, I don't need this right now. I've had a bad day-"

"Yeah, and it's all about you isn't it?" she shouted.

"Yes, it is, isn't it!" he shouted back. "In order to get you out here I had to change my whole life-"

"Like your life was so fucking perfect to begin with, Spike! You didn't change anything! You had some slut here the first night I was here. You know what your problem is William? You're a fucking coward. This is just typical Spike. 'I can't face anything so I go run and hide. Find some stupid slut to bang for the night or to hook up with for the next few weeks, because I feel so rotten about myself on a daily basis, and while they're there they make me feel good about myself.' You're not a confident man. You're a coward. So, go. Go have your fun, I don't fucking care anymore what you do!"

"Buffy-"

"Go!" she screamed at him.

Glaring at her, he turned on heel and walked out the door, slamming the door behind him and rattling the walls in his wake.

She was shaking right along with the walls. Tears of frustration trailed down her cheeks. She was so angry and hurt and fed up. Stomping up to 'her room', she packed her things, wiping away tears that blurred her vision.

Once her things were packed, she stomped back down the stairs and walked out the door, slamming the door with as much force as he had. Running down the stairs, she stood on the sidewalk, the dark sky fitting her mood perfectly.

Now what? She could go to her aunt's, yet, she didn't know how to get there and she had no car. Not to mention she didn't really want to disturb them now, or have to explain what was going on.

Reaching into her purse she grabbed her cell and dialed information. "Hi, taxi services?" She'd just find a hotel to stay in for the night and decide what to do the next morning. At this point, she was done with California.

****************
Spike sat at the bar, the seedy, dark bar where he could go incognito for the most part, and downed another shot of Jack.

What a day. Nothing like getting it from all ends; fiirst Buffy, then Sam and then . . . Alicia. That hurt, the look on her face when she'd come down the stairs to say good- bye to him had hurt. And, as per usual when he was hurt, he got angry.

Alicia had never had to deal with he and Sam arguing. He'd been moved out of the house when Alicia had just been two months old. He and Sam had been on the outs long before that, and when he'd cheated on her, that had been the end of it all.

Buffy didn't know the whole story. Didn't know that the Sam she knew was not the same Sam he knew. The woman could be cold. Sam had been jealous when he'd started getting recognition for his acting. He was starting to go places and she hadn't been able to handle his success. She had been trying at the time to get her own career-- in marketing-- off the ground and had been hitting brick walls. The woman was competitive and when Spike's career had started taking off, Sam had started getting more and more distant and cold.

He'd wanted his wife there to take to parties to meet the agents and fellow actors he was starting to hob knob with, and she'd gone with him a few times, but then stopped, claiming she hated being in the spotlight like that.

So, he went without her.

And had an affair.

Stupid one night stand that he felt immensely guilty for - half for hurting Sam and half because he knew in his heart that he was not in love with Sam anymore. In fact, he wasn't sure if he had ever really been in love with her.

It was a mess with he and Sam, and he refused to take all the blame for their marriage ending, and really, it had been over long before that one-night stand. Sam had just never been able to accept that because the woman could not accept that she could be wrong about something. These were the things that Buffy didn't know much about because he never liked to dwell on it. Never liked to remember those times and how unsure of himself he'd been back then.

Where had his life gone to after that, he wasn't sure. Somewhere he took a wrong turn and now his life seemed to be about the next big thrill.

Sam was right on some things: He never got all the things that bonded parent and child the way Sam did. He never got the colds, the parent-teacher conferences, and all those other little things that were really big things in the grand scheme of it all.

He felt tears prick his eyes. He'd really made a mess of everything hadn't he? What if one day his Alicia told him that he wasn't half the man he thought he was? He'd have to say, she was right.

Buffy was right.

And Sam was right --when it came to Alicia at least.

He'd always thought that Sam was just jealous that he and Alicia had this wonderful relationship - but what kind of relationship was it, really? It was superficial, shallow. It was him taking her out for a good time and then dropping her off at home and letting Sam deal with the belly aches from too much candy.

It was him wanting to feel like the God they told him he was, riding the wave of love and adoration that was heaped on him. It could blind a person; make you think you were more than just human. Make you think that everyone could love you even when they didn't know the little things about you that made you unique.

Buffy knew though. She saw right through him, always. It both annoyed him and encouraged him. It was the annoyed part that ran, and the part that was afraid if she knew too much, she'd run from him.

Looking up at himself in the mirror that was across from him, he felt a wave of disgust wash over him. He'd gone from never wanting to lose Buffy to sitting here, without her. All because he was just as she said he was - a coward.

"Christ," he muttered, "What am I doing? What have I done?"

He'd hurt her. He'd angered her. Again.

He was going to have to make it up to her now.

*****************

Buffy thanked the driver for helping her inside the Marriott that was a few miles, as far as she could tell anyway, from Spike's and placed her things around her as she waited for someone to help check her in.

If she'd planned better, she would have whipped out her handy dandy cell phone and made calls all over, but she wasn't thinking quite clearly and merely asked the cab driver to drop her off at the nearest hotel. From there, she'd see what she could do.

Tapping her fingers on the desk, waiting, she wondered what Spike was doing. If he'd already taken up with someone over a bottle of Jack Daniels. If he was fucking them, telling them how special they were, how they were angels, telling them that he needed them . . . fighting back tears, she pondered what upset her more: The fact that he failed the gumption to face his demons, beat them back and change for the better, or, the fact that he was out there fucking someone that in long run meant nothing to him, would only make him feel worse later, which in turn made him run more and that he was saying all those same sweet things to someone else, which negated everything he ever said to her.

It hurt to know he'd never meant them.

She saw so much potential in him, knew he could be such a good man. She'd seen him be one with her own two eyes. She knew he could be a wonderful father, knew that if he just gave up what he thought he needed and instead focused on what he did need, his life would change for the better.

"Buffy?"

Turning her head, she spied a familiar man staring at her in question. She blinked, where did she know him, where did she ---

"It's Angel, from the plane? I gave you my card."

Her thoughts cleared, "Oh! I'm sorry, I'm just. . . " she looked around her at her suitcases and bags, "Frazzled. Currently very frazzled."

"Oh," he managed to look even more crestfallen, his big brown eyes saddening. "I thought maybe you'd - but I didn't see all the bags." He cleared his throat, "Sorry."

"I'm sorry, I've just been with my friend and I was going to call-" Who was she kidding? She hadn't planned on calling the nice man who'd wanted to take her out to dinner while they were both in town. She'd been focused on Spike, thinking she'd give him the same courtesy as he was supposed to have been bestowing upon her.

"It's okay, Buffy, I understand. What uh, what happened with your friend?"

"The long and short of it? He's an ass." She bit her lip, thinking fast. "If I get a room, would you want to still get dinner unless you're on your way out-"

He beamed at her. "I'd love to. I was going out. Alone. So, I'll wait with you?"

She smiled, "Please." Reaching into her purse, she pressed the button that sent her phone off. Out of sight, out of mind, she thought.

Yeah, right.





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