Disclamier - I used a line from the episode beneath you, You'll know when you see it. It was writtin by, Douglas Petrie.
"We have to talk about this, Spike," Buffy said as she planted her hands on her hips and looked him straight in the eyes.
Spike didn't want to look up at her and see shame in her eyes. That was something he knew he couldn't handle. He couldn't say he deserved anything more than her shame, though. He knew exactly what he was doing when he left her a year ago, but if he would have known what he had back then like he knew now, he wouldn't even have a second thought in leaving.
"Look, love, I can't say I'm sorry. I can't use forgive me. All I can say is, Buffy, I've changed," Spike said as he finally looked up at her with adoration in his eyes.
Buffy paused for a moment and then replied, "I believe you, Spike."
Spike smiled. "Well, then that's a start, right?" Spike asked.
"I just don't know what you've changed into," Buffy replied with a straight face as she watched Spike lower his head once again. "You poke your head in here once in a while to see if anything amusing is going on, and then you leave without a second's glance," Buffy finished, her voice slightly raising at the end.
Spike finally moved from his spot and took out a fag to light up, which only made Buffy even more pissed off than what she already was.
"What the hell are you doing?" Buffy asked as she watched Spike take another drag.
"Well, I figured since this was gonna be one of our many long talks, I might as well light up a fag, as you can see, so why don't we just get on with the other questions, or do I have to hear you complain about my smoking, too?" Spike asked coldly.
Buffy clenched her jaw, moved to turn towards her stairs, and started to stomp up them one by one. He was pissing her off, and she didn't think she could be in the room any longer with him.
"Buffy, sweetheart, please stop. You know I was just playing around with you," Spike said as he got rid of his cigarette and called after Buffy as she went up the stairs.
"Fuck off, Spike. I'm done with your mind games. When you decide to grow up, then you can come talk to me," Buffy yelled at him as she went up the last step to go to her room.
Spike decided to let go of it for the time being and give her the air he knew she needed. Why was it that he always said the wrong thing at the wrong time? Buffy was his girl. Or so he thought. Maybe this was it for them, maybe they were over. Maybe this was the one thing they weren't going to be able to handle in their relationship.
Wait a minute - did they even have a relationship?
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He did wait for awhile, though, and even decided to go out for a drink to clear his head of her, but it wasn't working. He planned on sweeping her off her feet tonight, but nothing ever seemed to go as planned. He used to remember when she was a freshman in high school. All he had to do was wink, and she would have been putty in his hands, but it wasn't like that anymore. She was a woman, and a strong one at that.
Flashback
Buffy held Spike's hand as they sat together at the L.A. airport, waiting for Spike's flight to board. He felt Buffy slightly trembling and pulled her closer to his chest. She was stiff as he did it, though. It was like she wanted to be mad at him. Scream, yell, something, but she couldn't bring herself to. She didn't want their last time together to be a regret, so she decided to keep her mouth closed.
"Buffy, love, I know you probably hate me right now, but this is something that I have to do," Spike said as he rubbed small circles on her back.
Buffy felt tears come to her eyes but blinked them away. She didn't want him to think she went there to make him stay. If he really loved her, then that would be enough of a reason for him to want to stay.
"Don't even try to explain yourself, William Giles. There is no way you are getting yourself out of this one," Buffy said in a cold tone, which made Spike flinch.
Instead of talking, he just held her tighter against him, wanting to be able to feel her again, to know her touch.
Buffy pushed him away, though, but this didn't confuse Spike at all. He knew that Buffy had every right to be mad at him, but he felt he was doing what was best. If they didn't get some time apart, then there was no way they were going to go anywhere else in their relationship.
"Spike, I need to know one thing before you get on that plane," Buffy murmured as she looked him right in the eyes with seriousness.
"Yeah, love?" Spike asked as he tilted his head to the side, which made Buffy melt.
"Why are you doing this?" Buffy asked him in a whisper, trying not to choke. "Am I not enough for you? I mean, come on, Spike - we were all with the happy, and then you all of a sudden decide you wanna leave for some reason? So, what is it?" Buffy asked, this time not bothering to hide her tears.
Spike didn't say anything for a couple of minutes, which only made Buffy more upset.
"I deserve an explanation, Spike!" Buffy practically shouted at him.
"I know, Buffy, but I'm still trying to figure all of this out in my head," Spike said, a little bit too cold. His features softened as he saw Buffy's bottom lip tremble.
He gently grabbed her clenched fist and explained, "Sweetheart, first of all, it's not that you're not enough because believe me, you are." Spike smiled a little as Buffy finally turned her head to look at him. "I just think that we need to take a break so we can make sure that I'm what you really want and that you're what I want, too."
Buffy closed her eyes tightly. "Why are you telling me this, Spike?” Buffy asked with a disgusted look on her face "You know what you're saying, right?" Buffy kept on asking him.
"Yes, love," Spike tried to say before Buffy cut him off.
"Really? Because I get the feeling you don't," Buffy said as she stood up, along with Spike. "I mean, basically what you're telling me is while I'm here, getting ready for college, you wanna be somewhere else, getting your kicks. Or is it that you just wanna be free? You know, without anything holding you back?" Buffy finished noticing the little old couple on the other side of them, staring at them, but not at the moment giving a damn.
"You know as well as I know that it's not like that, Buffy," Spike said as he grabbed her by her upper arm so she couldn't run away.
"You're right, Spike. I know it's not like that, but the words that come out of your mouth are telling me a completely different story," Buffy said as she ripped her arm out of Spike's grasp and sat back down in her chair.
Spike rolled his eyes and clenched his jaw but sat down, just like she had.
"You know, Buffy, maybe if you wouldn't jump to conclusions and start putting words in my mouth, we could actually talk about this," Spike said as he turned towards her a little in his seat.
Buffy crossed her arms over her chest and replied, "What the hell did you expect, Spike? My boyfriend is leaving me so he can be alone and see new things or do new things, or better yet, do somebody new," Buffy said as she threw her hands in the air in frustration.
Spike huffed. "Please, Buffy, can we just get along for one minute so we at least didn't waste this whole day together?" Spike asked as he tried to steal a kiss, only to have Buffy turn her head on him.
"Spike, I'm only gonna say this one more time. Please do not leave," Buffy pleaded as she grabbed one of his hands.
Spike didn't say anything once again, which gave Buffy her answer.
"Well then, Spike, I guess this is it." Buffy felt a tear slip down her cheek.
Spike looked at her.
"Goodbye, Spike. I hope you have a nice time," Buffy said as she got up to leave, only to have Spike grab her.
"Don't do it like this, Buffy," Spike replied.
Buffy looked down at him and said, "I'm not - you are."
End Flashback
A/N - For those of you waiting for an update on, Beautiful Disaster. There will be one soon so just hang on a little bit longer.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Thanks to Allison for betaing this, she is absolutly amazing! Another thanks to all of you who reviewed the last chapter. I know some people are confused as to why Spike left Buffy for no reason at all, but some people are like that. Its like they feel they have to be free for awhile, to see if what they have already is what they really want. I'am in no way making Spike the victim in this story. Enough with that though, as I said earlier more will be explained later on.