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Xander sat on the stool staring at a shot of whiskey. He knew he shouldn't have come here, but he had hoped to drown his sorrows. It had been after he'd paid the bartender though, that he realized what a mistake that would be. He knew if he came home drunk, Willow would probably not let him in his own apartment. So he just sat there staring at it, not sure what he should do. Over the course of the last year, his life had taken many twists and turns. He thought at one point he had found everything he'd wanted. He had become a cop just like he'd dreamed -- yes he was only a rookie -- but still, he was working his dream job. He had gotten Willow to agree to move in with him. Then he fell in love with the wrong girl. He knew when it had happened it was wrong. He had tried to tell himself for a long time just to forget about it. In the end though, he hadn't and had gotten his heart ripped out in the process. He took another long look at the glass and contemplated drinking it. Instead, he banged his head down on his crossed arms, and muttered one small sentence. It was filled with all the emotional pain that coursed through his body though.

"Damn you Faith"

"You loved her, didn't you?"

Xander knew who was behind him without even lifting his head from his arms. Once again the guilt was coming back in full force and he knew that it should. He had betrayed his friend and in the end his brain wondered if it had been worth it. Although his heart was already letting him know that even with the pain, it had been well worth the little bit of happiness he had experienced.

"Yeah I did." Xander waited for the blow that he knew he deserved, but instead all he heard was the stool next to his screech across the floor. He looked up then to see what William was doing.

"Hey Willy want to get me two shots and Xander another one?"

Xander watched Willy nod and then looked back at William. "If you’re going to kill me, I'd rather not be drunk at the time. Hell, what am I saying? Yes, I do want to be drunk. It might dull the physical pain you’re going to inflict."

"I'm not letting you get drunk. Willow would kill me."

"You didn't deny that you were going to kill me though."

William gave a bemused laugh. "I probably should, you know. Cheating with my girlfriend and all, but I won't." He paused as if trying to organize his thoughts. Finally he answered in a downhearted voice. "Xander, at least you gave her what I couldn't."

Xander just looked at his friend. He wasn't sure if he'd heard William correctly. As he stared at William's face though, he knew he had. "What do you mean?"

"I couldn't love her no matter how hard I tried. No, I take that back. I don't think I tried at all. I realize that now. I know it's too late but I do realize it."

"Yeah, but a lot of good it did me. Faith wouldn't let anybody near for too long."

*Flashback*

Xander was sprawled out on the bed next to a naked Faith. Faith skirted her body closer to his and then turned over to look him in the face.

"That was great." Then she reached over his body and grabbed the pack of cigarettes off the bed stand.

"Yeah, it was." Faith had continued to talk, but Xander's own jumbled brain tuned her out in his nervousness. They had been seeing each other for well over six months now. Well, actually their time together pretty much consisted of just sleeping together. In that time though, he had seen real glimpses of Faith and he knew he was falling in love with her. He wanted to tell her right then but had decided not to. He wanted it to be special.

"Faith, you doing anything this Friday?"

"No. Why? You want me to pencil you in?"

"Faith stop that. You’re not some whore that makes appointments!" He was disgusted when Faith acted like this. She was so much more then just a ‘fuck buddy’. She refused to acknowledge it though.

Faith sat up and just chuckled as she started to pull her jeans up her legs and over her thighs. Xander watched with great fascination. He could never get over how her muscles twitched under her skin with every small move. With her chest still bare, she crawled towards him slowly. As she moved, her breasts swayed in front of him in a hypnotizing fashion. He quickly brought his eyes to look into hers, and swallowed back the moan that had tried to escape. "So what do you want to do Friday?" As she asked the question, she had trailed her nail up the middle of his shirtless chest, causing him to shiver.

"I want to take you out." The moan slipped out amongst his words.

He watched her freeze up in front of him. "Why would you want to do that?"

"Because.... Well, because."

Xander watched Faith snap back and knew he had said something wrong. He quickly sat up and tried to reach for her, but she stepped out of his reach. He looked at her; he was hurt and a little perplexed at the way she was treating him suddenly. He watched her Throw on his blue button down shirt that he'd worn to work that day. He could just imagine how awful it smelled. His day had consisted of the mind numbing task of pushing paperwork in a stuffy hot cubicle. He wondered why she would even want to wear it. After a few minutes of silence, Xander thought he heard Faith mumble something.

"What was that Faith?"

"Oh, just that it's been fun but I actually have an appointment on Friday."

"What do you mean you have an appointment?" Xander couldn't believe what he'd just heard. Was she actually saying she was cheating on him?

"Exactly how it sounds, lover boy. You didn't really think you were the only one, did you?"

"Why, you bitch! You've been sleeping around on me?"

He tried one more time to just dismiss what she was saying; but he knew the answer to the question. He was pissed at her because she had played him. She had wanted what she wanted and that was all. He, on the other hand, had fallen for her and now he was the one who sat there holding his own broken heart in his hands. Xander had to admit that Faith had pulled the wool over his eyes really well.

"Why? You thought I'd cheat on William and not you? Oh, you did, didn't you?"

"You know what Faith? I just realized something. I always thought you just played the heartless bitch, but I guess now I know you weren’t playing."

Xander reached for his pants and threw them on. He grabbed the keys to his car and then slammed out the door. He stood on the other side of the door for a few minutes, leaning on it and thinking about what to do. Finally though, he made up his mind, pushed off the door, and continued down the stairs to the parking lot. Xander got into his car and started it. For a split second he thought about going back up to Faith’s apartment and trying to talk to her; instead he took one last look at the building where she lived and then left.

*End Flashback*

"That's the last night I saw her, almost two weeks before she died. Looking back on the conversation though I don't think she meant it. She seemed to be fighting herself every time she said something. I wonder if I had been able to see through my pain and bitterness that night, that I might have been able to persuade her. Maybe I would have been with her the night she.... It makes me wonder whether I would have been with her and could have saved her. You know?"

William shook his head and Xander could see that he had wondered the same thing. Xander turned around and leaned his back against the bar.

"It feels worse though knowing that the last words I said to her was to call her a heartless bitch."

"I know mate. I feel that I should pop you a good one in the nose for that, but I think you’re hurting yourself enough with that guilt."

Xander and William continued talking until Xander’s mood began to lift. "It seemed so easy right after you moved here and we became 'The Three Holdbacks' you know? The only thing we had in common then was the fact that we'd all been held back in school at one time or another." Xander pondered over his thoughts and then started talking to William again. "Makes you wonder if we would all be where we are today if principal Snyder hadn't called all of us into his office that day. I still don't see why he felt the need to threaten you anyway. I mean, yeah, me and Faith were slackers -- always had been. But the only reason you had been held back was because you had such bad grades after your mom died. He really was a jerk, wasn't he?"

"That I can agree with. We can't live on what ifs though. If we do, we will just be living in the past for the rest of our lives. Although I'd love to be able to say that if I hadn't gotten drunk maybe I would have been there, to save her. I can't say that. It happened the way it did all we can do is find her killer. Believe me when I say that whoever it is, they will pay for what they did."

The mood sobered once again with the thought of Faith being gone for good.

******************************************************************************************************************

William had made sure Xander got home after their conversation. It had hurt to know that Faith had been cheating on him with Xander. In the end though, he knew Xander was putting himself through enough pain, without William adding to it. He had decided with everything that had happened there was just no use in getting angry over it.

William parked in front of Giles' house. As he got out of the car, he thought he caught the glimpse of a shadow on the steps. He approached the front steps and moved so the light could shine on the shadow. He was taken aback when he realized that it was Buffy, and that she was asleep on the steps. He quickly checked his watch and saw that it was two in the morning. What was she doing here? She should have been in bed. William crouched down and tried to nudge her awake, but she continued to sleep.

"Should’ve known once you’re asleep, an earthquake wouldn't wake you up." He mumbled as he scooped Buffy into his arms. She roused a little but then snuggled into his chest. He looked down at her face; she was just a beautiful sleeping as she was awake. William couldn't help wondering what it would be like to wake up next to her in the mornings. He stopped that line of thinking though as his body began to respond to some of the images he'd conjured up. William resituated Buffy’s position in his arms so that he wouldn’t drop her, and went to the door. He was glad he hadn't put his keys in his pocket because he wasn't sure how he would have gotten the door open then. As he walked into the house, he kicked the door closed behind him. It made a banging sound as it closed and William waited to make sure Buffy stayed asleep. She did, so he moved on.

He laid her on the guest bed and slowly removed her fuzzy slippers. He couldn't imagine why she had come over dressed in just her pajamas and slippers, but he figured he'd hear the story in the morning. William then left the room to change into his own bed clothes. He figured he'd take his shower in the morning. He was too tired right now. After throwing on a pair of sweats and tying them off, he went to check on Buffy before going to bed himself. Instead of finding her asleep like he'd expected, he found her curled up tight against one side of the bed crying. William quickly lay next to her and wrapped his arms around her. He didn't know what else to do.

"Buffy, what's wrong?"

She didn't answer him, but he persisted. Finally she explained to him about what her mom had revealed to her earlier that night.

"I'm just so lost William. I don't know what to do. Why didn't she tell me before now?"

"Well, did you ask her why she hadn't?"

"No. I was so confused after she told me that I left and told her I'd be back."

"You should have stayed and talked with her. Come on Buffy. You of all people should know that blood doesn't matter. In all these years, we have all become family to each other. No it's not the conventional kind, but we are a family. Joyce loves you, whether you’re her biological daughter or not. I mean, look at me and Giles – okay, bad example -- better make it Tara and Giles. Giles and Tara share no blood but he has always been her father. This will work out. I promise." He watched as Buffy's tears began to subside. He knew that she was finally looking at the whole situation and not just reacting to the shock of it.

"You’re right, aren't you?"

"As always." Buffy smiled then and he knew that he had gotten through to her. Then she punched him. "Hey, now! What was that for?"

"Being a cocky know it all." She gave him a mischievous look and started tickling him.

"Hey...Hey....Stop.that.right.NOW!" She ignored his protests and continued to tickle him. William pushed up with his body and flipped Buffy onto her back. As he flipped her, he grabbed her hands and held them above her head.

"Oh no! Now I'm at the mercy of The Big Bad! Oh what ever shall I do?" Buffy cried out in mock terror.

"You faint like any good damsel in distress?"

"Nope! I fight harder." She started bucking her hips to get him off of her, but he was still able to hold her down. She continued to fight it though, so he did the only thing he knew would make her stop. He leaned over and starting kissing her. William was right. After a few seconds more of wiggling, Buffy finally gave into the kiss. As the passion built in the room though, William wondered if the kiss had been such a good idea. He was already a little uncomfortable in the lower area because of her wiggling. He quickly pulled back and started to stand to leave. Instead he was stopped by a hand clutched around his bicep.

"Don't leave please?"

He looked at her and knew that he had to. "Buffy, if I don't leave now..."

"William, will you just hold me?"
William thought about saying no but then he looked into her eyes. She appeared so tired and he wondered if that was what Tara had seen in him after their mother died. He would bet it had been. He wanted Buffy to get sleep and he was afraid she wouldn't if she didn't calm down. So he walked to the other side of the bed and slid in beside Buffy. He held her close to him, and ran his fingers through her hair. Before he fell asleep, he murmured, "Love 'ya."





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