As she fell through the portal, she could hear him shout. Regrets filled her for a moment before images and feelings swept through her.
Herself at fifteen and the disbelief of learning who she was; the guilt of Merrick dying, burning the gymnasium; learning of her parents’ divorce; the move to Sunnydale; Giles announcing that he was her new watcher; and meeting Willow, Xander and Cordelia.
Falling in love with Angel; drowning at the hand of the Master and then Xander reviving her; meeting Spike for the first time; making love with Angel and the hurt of the morning after; Jenny Calendar’s death; not only seeing but feeling the organ falling on top of Spike; the truce that led to Angel going to Hell; her mother throwing her out of the house and the loneliness of a summer spent in L.A.
The shock of Angel coming back; the disbelief at seeing Faith kill a man; blowing up the school to stop the mayor. The anger at Angel leaving for her own good; that one mistake with Parker and the pain of feeling betrayed; the fight with Spike on that sunny day.
Riley and the Initiative; Adam and the spell to stop him. Dracula biting her; Xander being his servant; and Willow falling in love with Tara. Riley again, flying away and leaving her.
Faster and faster, images and feelings blinding her, so real, not only hers but Spike’s feelings sweeping through her like a tidal wave, drowning her in their intensity. A girl named Cecily; his turning; the confusion of Angelus leaving; a hundred years with Drusilla then losing her because of her visions of the Slayer.
Spike getting his chip; his anger at being neutered; his shame at being chained in a bathtub and needing the Slayer’s help; Willow’s spell and the joy at being loved for those few hours; then the loss and discomfort they both felt when the spell was lifted. Spike realizing he had fallen in love with her; his shame at being love’s bitch again; his hatred of Angel; his love for her mother and Dawn; Glory’s torture; Joyce’s death; and worst of all the pain of seeing her jump, of knowing that if he hadn’t failed her in protecting Dawn, she would be alive, his angel, his hope, his everything.
But then the images changed, to confusing ones, things that never happened; a despair so deep as she saw herself clawing her way out of her own grave; at realising that she was torn out of heaven by her own friends; Spike’s disbelief as he sees her alive; as he looks at her bloodied knuckles; his voice saying that it had been 147 days since she died; his joy at seeing her and his anger when she told him where she was.
Flashes of a singing demon; of two lovers in an abandoned building; herself feeling alive for a while; Willow’s addiction to magic; an attack in her bathroom; Spike leaving; Tara covered in blood; Willow trying to destroy the world and all the pain in it; Xander stopping her; Spike, covered in bugs and his soul hurting him, filling him with shame and guilt.
The First Evil; the potentials dying; a preacher gouging Xander’s eye out; her family throwing her out of her house and Spike comforting her. The final battle; Spike’s sacrifice; her pain at losing him; Anya’s lifeless body. Spike back as a ghost wanting to let her be happy, unaware that she was only half-living since his sacrifice; her own death at the hand of a fledgling because she was distracted.
Underlining all those images, love; burning so bright, so true; it blinds her. Pain at what she lost because of the choices she had to make.
As the flashes stopped, she found herself lying on a soft floor. She opened her eyes and the whiteness of the room blinded her. She closed her eyes again, trying to absorb all that she has just seen, everything that she is feeling. Her brain and her heart crying that it was too much, that no one could deal with that much emotion at once.
Tears started falling softly down her face and into her hair. She curled her body, pressing her knees into her chest as hard as possible, to stop the pain from coming. The sobs that wracked her body were heart breaking to the being watching her. But she knew that this was something needed and that Buffy would feel better once those tears were shed. It was a liberating moment, the one chance to cry without being judged and the one moment to get rid of the pain of the last years.
As the tears slowed, Buffy heard a voice that she never thought she would hear again.
“Hello honey.”
“Mom?”
Joyce was standing there, dressed in a simple white dress, looking at her daughter with a smile on her face. Buffy flew into her mother’s arms, laughing and crying, still reeling from all that she had just seen and felt. Joyce held her daughter, lightly stroking her back to comfort her.
After a few minutes, Buffy detangled herself from her mother’s arms, and eyes downcast, she asked
“Why mom?”
“It had to happen, you know that Buffy. It was your gift, and it was time.”
“But, what I saw, how?”
“Later, be patient for once.”
For once not daring to question her mother, Buffy was silent for a few seconds before asking quietly.
“He was always meant to be the one, wasn’t he?”
“Yes he was honey.”
“But, how? Why?”
Taking her daughter by the hand, Joyce led her to a nearby bench. Sitting down, she patted the seat beside her, waiting for Buffy to sit down before answering.
“He is your opposite yet he completes you, he is the darkness to your light, your equal in everything, you share the same soul, you are one being in two bodies.”
“Soul? He doesn’t have one mom.”
“You know better than that Buffy, you are only trying to justify your actions. You feel him, you know him and you understand him just as he feels, knows and understands you.”
“But…”
“Did you never ask yourself why neither of you managed to kill the other one in all those years? To kill one is to kill the other.”
“Well I died and he still lived...uh…unlived.”
“The night you drowned, your soul never left your body because Xander brought you back too fast, but I can assure you that William felt it and that is the night he started moving toward you.”
“But mom, what about Angel? He is my soul mate, not Spike”
“Buffy, you’re still lying to yourself. You always knew that Angel wasn’t the one for you; in fact he surprised everyone. He wasn’t supposed to fall in love with you.”
“Well, if I’m dead and I share a soul with bleach boy, how come he is not dead…deader?”
“William should be here soon.”
“What?! He can’t be dead, mom, I just saw him, he promised to take care of Dawn, he can’t be dead, he can’t mom!”
Seeing the panic rising in her daughter’s eyes, Joyce quickly added
“Shh honey, he’s not dead yet, But with your spirit here, there is nowhere else he can be. And Buffy, you saw what could happen, and you are here for a chance to change this. There are some things that happened, and because of it the future is out of sync with what should be. And if we let things go as they would, what you saw will happen. The Powers are giving you a chance to stop that from happening but you need Wil…”
Buffy’s voice and the look in her eyes stopped her
“He’s here.”
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Many thanks and hugs to my betas Sweepea and MarzBar who at times have to deal with a neurotic writer, thanks to JackofSpike, maryperk and Tasha for the cheers and or suggesting I get myself a beta so I could stop obsessing. First fic and I am a mess. Hope you enjoy..and review!