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England

"Bad news I'm afraid" John Weston looked down at his files as he spoke as if afraid to meet the older watchers eyes.

"Both girls are dead?" It wasn't really a question Adrian had turned away with a tired sigh before Weston’s nod had confirmed his statement

"Rupert" he addressed the third person in his office "You see now how desperate the situation is becoming 30 girls dead in the field in half as many weeks, another 40 lost in the attack on our Surry training facility"

"Yes Adrian, I see that, but what you are asking me is impossible, Buffy Summers is retired, this is no longer her battle"

"No Mr. Giles, this is her battle. She is after all still a slayer, the slayer, the source of these girls power, who else can we call upon if not her?" Adrian was suddenly animated, energy flowing in his aging body as he spoke "Something terrible is coming Rupert, and while our slayers have been able to keep the forces of darkness in check thus far, not a one of them is capable of facing what is to come, for that we will need the power of a true slayer"

"Faith is still alive,” Giles argued, trying desperately to keep this responsibility from once again falling on his surrogate daughter’s small shoulders.

"As you well know Rupert, while Faith is doing an excellent job leading the slayers in Cleveland she has not been tested at this level. Miss Summers has experience, strength and has proved her resourcefulness on countless occasions. The fate of the world hangs in the balance Rupert, there is no other way"

Giles removed his glasses and sighed deeply "Very well, when do I leave"

...

"Hello Ang…" Angel’s greeting was cut of by an urgent British voice

"Angel, its me Giles. I need to speak with you, I fear we may need you"

...

"Just 61 days to go" Richard smiled at his fiancée as they walked together toward her home.

"Huh" Buffy tried to catch up mentally with what he'd been talking about

"Till the wedding" He raised his eyebrows, 'where do you go to Buffy?' he thought ruefully 'where do you go?'

"Ah the wedding, 60 days actually it's just gone midnight" she gave him a saccharine smile and stood on her tiptoes to kiss him.

'Why are my boyfriends all so tall?' she asked herself 'you think a midget like me would try and find someone a little shorter'. Suddenly she was overcome with memories of just such a lover. One who she didn't have to strain to kiss one who's slight frame had complemented her own diminutive size during their lovemaking, yes she could call it that now, finally. One who like herself had held deceptive power in his lean body who's strength had almost matched her own, one who had challenged her and...

'God pull yourself together Buffy' she mentally chided herself 'You are living a normal life now like you always wanted, he died so you could have this'
She let her lips linger over Richards for a few moments, trying hard not to remember cooler lips, rougher kisses, that time was past now, she had to get on with her life, like he had told her to.

"Night night" she whispered moving away from him. She never let the kisses they shared become to heated, they had decided to wait until they where married, and it was easier on him if they didn't go to far, 'easier on both of us' she corrected herself halfheartedly, knowing she felt none of the urgency that she felt in him during those times when they had pushed the boundaries of their self imposed celibacy.

"Night, I'll see you tomorrow, we need to choose the flowers"

"Right, I'll see you there, don't be late" with that she disappeared

"I wont,” he told the empty street "I never am"

...

Dawn woke with a strange sense of dread hanging over her she frowned and slipped out of her bed. Leaving her room she turned down the hall, suddenly feeling compelled to check on her sister.

Buffy opened the closet quietly, an almost guilty feeling settling in the pit of her stomach. There, there right at the back, in a groceries bag, just behind an old pair of boots she hadn't worn in months, or was it years, time seemed to move strangely since, since Sunnydale. She reached in for the pulling the object from its brown paper prison; she felt the familiar coolness of the worn leather beneath her fingers and a frown settled on her delicate features. Rocking back to sit on her heels she held the old coat in her lap and let the memories come

He had given it to her the night before the final battle with the First, saying it had belonged to a Slayer once, and should belong to a slayer again, had he known he would be dust within 48 hours? They had lain awake for hours that night, just holding one another, she remembered that she had been scared but couldn't recreate the feeling in her mind now, now all she remembered was the feeling of his arms around her offering her so many things, support, friendship, strength and most of all love, he had had a way of pouring love into everything he did, into every caress, and comforting word, into every verbal battle, every punch and kick, every look. It was those looks she remembered most often, blue eyes filled with emotion, passion or anger, love or hate, he had been an open book to her and she to him long before they where lovers. Mindlessly she brought the garment to her face and inhaled deeply.

"Earth and cigarettes" Buffy started violently at the sound of her sister’s mournful voice. Looking up she saw the affectionate sadness in her sisters eyes, and recognised it as the look of those who had finished grieving, those for whom the memories and loss was no longer raw and painful, just a little sad.
Buffy swallowed hard and tried to emulate her sisters look, it shouldn't be that hard, after all she was sure she wore exactly that expression on those achingly bitter-sweet moments when she and her sister would laugh at memories of happy times spent with their mother.

Dawn watched her sisters struggling to find a suitable facial expression 'Haven't got this one down as well as the smile hey sis' she thought sadly

"Buffy" Dawns voice was soft and her eyes tried to convey everything she wanted to say to her sister. That it was ok, ok to be sad, ok to be less than perfect. It was ok to miss him, to talk about him to wish he where still here.

"Yeah" the slayers voice was barely audible, "the whiskey is hardly noticeable anymore"

Dawn felt her chest constrict at the sound of her sisters tiny heartbroken voice, hoping to change the mood to a more lighthearted reminiscence she forced a smile to her lips

"Yeah well, even Spike couldn't drink enough for the smell to last this long. Although I think he may have tried, you know I think he was drunk more than he was sober"

Buffy didn't return her smile "he was lonely" she offered, pulling the long coat closer to her body, on hand absently stroking the soft leather.

"Huh" Dawn failed to follow her sister down that particular path

"He drank because he was lonely, or sad" the older girl clarified "he was lonely and sad a lot of the time" she paused taking a shaky breath "always because of me"

"No" Dawn shook her head violently at her sister "Not because of you, never because of you. He loved you Buffy, just a moment with you would give him enough happy to last him a week. Anytime you smiled at him or if you where nice to him, he'd be high for days"

"And anytime I was cruel to him, or disregarded him? Do you think those feelings lasted as long?" Buffy's eyes burned with a mixture of regret and self loathing "And believe me those times out numbered the good times a hundred to one"

"Buffy" Dawn voice conveyed sympathy, but she knew Buffy was right she had hurt him, she had caused him pain and loneliness, but what her sister would never see is that given the choice Spike would do everything again just the same for that one night the two of them had shared before the final battle. That he would take all that pain and more just to be the one to hold her when she had needed it the most.

"He didn't believe me Dawn" Just from her voice Dawn knew her sister was crying even though her head was bent forward and her long golden hair obscured her face.

"Didn't believe what?" Dawn kept her voice low, as if afraid that Buffy would close up again if she spoke to loudly. But Buffy was on a roll now, the floodgates had opened and she was finally ready to tell her sister everything.

"The day he" she trailed off unable to say the words, steeling herself she tried again "just before he did it" looking up at Dawns understanding face she saw there was no need to clarify what she meant so she moved on slowly "I told him, finally. Dawn I told him" She looked up at her sister with tear filled eyes

"I told him I loved him" she continued, "told him what he'd be waiting all those years to hear and he didn't believe me"

They were silent then for long minutes before the slayer spoke again "he said it was 'nice of me to say it', he thought I just said it to be kind because he was gonna die, I finally managed to stop being such a coward and tell him before I lost him, and he didn't believe me"

There was another long silence then, while Buffy struggled to find the right words

"I hurt him so much, told him so often that he was nothing, that he was not worthy of my love, 'beneath me' that’s what I called him. I beat him down so hard and so often that when I finally admitted how I felt he didn't believe me, how could he after everything I did to him?"

"Buffy he knew you cared, after he got his soul, he knew you cared that you where at least his friend, It meant the world to him"

"His soul" A bitter laugh escaped the blonds lips "He got that soul for me and I offered him friendship" another cold laugh "I should've just staked the poor bastard, it would have been kinder"





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