Many thanks to beta: melanie
Chapter 18
Buffy was furious. She hadn’t been this angry since before they closed the Hellmouth. Except for Giles betrayal, no one got her mad like Spike. She paced back and forth frustrated at the lack of space in the small room. She was grinding her teeth and making fists angry at herself that she backed herself into a corner. If her brain was working right she would have gone out the door. At least then she could have run twenty or thirty miles to blow off this anger. As it was now, she was trapped and she so needed to punch something, kick something….BREAK something. Spike!…No, she would never go there again. She did that once and lived with regret ever since.
What the hell is wrong with him? She yelled in her head. Why would he do such a stupid thing? It was all gonna be OK. He explained his insecurities about calling me…I told him it was over. I’d forget it…
She stopped and spoke to herself in the mirror. “He doesn’t believe me,” and then went on with the internal discussion…He thinks he still has to play these silly games with me to prove something to himself…or me….whatever. GOD! He is such a stupid vampire.
With this insight she lost some of the steam from her rage and sat down on the bed. “Now what do I do?” she said aloud.
She laid down and put her hands over her eyes… “Is this going to be our life? Will we never trust each other?” She kicked off her shoes and settled in. She wasn’t going to open that door for him for a long, long time.
~~~
Laying there on the floor waiting for the pain to subside gave Spike time to think…something he probably should have done before. She was right. Damn it, she was always right. No, she wasn’t…but this time…
He knew she wouldn’t come out of the bedroom anytime soon and he knew he didn’t dare go near her. Not for awhile anyway. It had been a long time, but he knew when she was fired up it was best to steer clear. It had all been so perfect …well, except for the near staking…but he understood that…and now he went and fucked it all up by being a Class A jerk.
When the sun cleared the front entry of the little cottage Spike stepped out for a cigarette. There on the doorstep lay a rather large wicker basket that tickled his nostrils with the pleasant aroma of roast chicken. He lifted the cloth covering it and saw several dishes carefully covered and two bottles of wine…and one, two…four bags of human blood. There was a note in the basket as well.
Your evening meal. Please return the dishes to the basket and leave outside the door. The basket will be picked up in the morning and another delivered at that time. If you have questions, call Millie at Ext. 2103.
“Giles, you old romantic. Wait until Buffy sees this.” He said delighted, until he realized they were still in the middle of their row. After a moment, he smiled to himself, carried the basket to the kitchen and said, “Thanks, old man. I owe you one.”
He put the bottle of white wine and three bags of the blood in the fridge and turned on the oven to a low 200degrees and put the dishes of vegetables and roast chicken in the oven to keep warm and warmed up the blood for himself while he tended to his plan. Then he tinkered around the kitchen finding dishes and glasses and …. “Fancy that, real linen napkins.” He set the little table in the living room and went out side the cottage, took out his knife and cut a bunch of flowers and brought them in and arranged them in a vase he found under the sink. While he was puttering around, he heard Buffy go into the bathroom. Progress, he thought. She ran the shower and after a few minutes went back into the bedroom. While he was making a nice fire in the fireplace he wondered if she wanted him to go to her in the shower. That brought back some very dark memories and he decided to stick with the current plan.
Happy with the fire, he stopped and looked around the room. Yes, pillows on the floor by the table in front of the fire was a nice touch. “I’ll light the candles when I get out of the shower, and then I’ll call on my lady… and hope to God she’ll still have me.”
~~~
Binnemon was euphoric. Never, in life or death had he ever felt like this.
He was an old man when he was turned and the turning made him feel young and vibrant and strong. No… it did make him young and vibrant and strong in every way but how he looked. Once he’d gotten over the shock of what had happened to him he was angry. He learned that except for fire, sunlight, beheading and unexpectedly bumping into a stake, he was immortal and had regenerative and healing powers. They allowed him to recover from all manner of injuries. They would just go away in time. He even grow back some parts if they were cut off. Skin would grow back, bones would mend. Still, it was a completely rotten thing to happen to a fellow.
Rotten because it would all grow back and regenerate…just like it was when he sustained the injury which meant that his liver spots would grow back, his paunchy belly would grow back …but his hair would not. He was balding when he was turned and he would always be an over 60 year old, paunchy mostly bald man. Vampires didn’t diet. They didn’t gain or lose weight. They lived on blood and without it they looked like skin and bone, but they weighed the same. It was one of those mysteries of the universe. They didn’t develop muscles that weren’t there before. They were strong, but that was supernatural strength or demon strength and had absolutely nothing to do with muscle tone. He could exercise himself silly and he would still be an over 60 paunchy, mostly bald man.
But THIS! He never knew anything as glorious as the taste of that girl’s blood. He felt infused with vigor and strength. He didn’t want to stop. Thank the powers that he had enough sense to leave off. He wanted to drain her. The effect of her blood was so potent that he was instantly aroused and came right then and there. He was an old man when he was turned, his sexual appetite wasn’t what it once was, so this instant arousal and consummation was too much to expect. He wanted more.
His dilemma now was what to do about his minions who were expecting to have their rounds include the school. They accepted his decision to be the first to ‘test the waters’ so to speak and ascertain the risks in going to the dorm, but now everything changed. There was no way he was going to share that girl …Then the thought occurred to him….what if the other girls had the same extraordinary blood…. No, no minions would ever be allowed to sip of anything so potent. His authority was tenuous at best and this elixir would undeniably give them the fortitude they would need to challenge him.
This blood was like a drug…it was making him reckless…now was not the time for intemperance. He found the secret treasure and meant to keep it concealed. Mulling over the puzzle, he made his way back to the lair. The abandoned winery with its foot thick stone walls and below ground caverns for storing casks was the perfect place for a nest of young vampires. He would sleep well today, he thought, better than he had in some time.
~~~
Spike lit the candles, grabbed a couple of flowers from the vase and went to the bedroom door. He felt tolerably fresh after his shower even though he had to put the same clothes back on. Giles was so cool about sending them food baskets. Too bad he didn’t have the sense to send over his bags. Oh well, maybe tomorrow. Of course he did smell sort of girly after shaving with Buffy’s shaving stuff and using her deodorant. Shaving for nigh on to one hundred and fifty years tends to make a blokes beard tough. He didn’t want his kisses to turn into a dermal abrasion.
Some Big Bad I am, Spike thought. Look at me, my hands are shaking and if I could sweat I just know my palms would be dripping…Well, here goes. He knocked on the door very gently. More than a minute dragged by and he heard no movement in the room. It was a small room and he was panicking, What could be taking her so long. Did she escap out the window and go to Giles? Were they going to come back here with stakes after all? Shit!”
Just one moment before his trepidation turned to anger the door opened. He gasped audibly. Buffy was gorgeous. She glowed. Her hair was pulled up in some kind of intricate way that she would insist was just carelessly piled up. She was wearing a brown peasant skirt and a cream colored camisole that snugged her middle and exaggerated her décolletage and on her feet were brown suede boots. Around her neck she wore what looked like a thin black cord with small wooden beads at each end that was just wrapped freely around her neck with the beads falling seductively just at the juncture of her breasts drawing his eye. He knew he was staring and half expected her to either smack him or say something cutting. She did neither. Her eyelids were heavy and she lifted them slowly as she smiled and said, “Hello Spike.”
Spike had to clear his throat before any sound would come out. “Evenin’ Slayer.” Damn, he thought. Shoulda said Buffy. Too late. Hope she’s not pissed. “I brought you flowers.”
“Thank you,” was all she said as she tucked them into her hair.
Bugger, she’s not going to make this easy. “I’ve made a fire. I thought we might talk a bit,” was all he said. He didn’t want to give away the surprise of the dinner, although he knew she must have smelled the warming food. Spike offered his hand and she took his arm. OK, he thought. Not sure what this means except she means to keep me guessing.
They turned from the kitchen into the dining room and the living area and she tried to hide her surprise and pleasure. There were candles everywhere giving the room a warm enticing glow. She took her place on one side of the table and Spike stepped away to pour the wine. He sat just long enough to share a toast with her. He thought for a minute and then said, raised his eyes to meet hers and said, “Forever.”
Buffy lips raised in a small smile. He was so beautiful with candlelight twinkling in his eyes. She knew they still had to resolve this thing. It would be easier but unwise to gloss over it. For now though, this was a peaceful respite and a marvelous gesture that she was not going to ruin. She said, “Forever.”
They took their meal and enjoyed the wine. It had little effect on Spike, if any at all, but it did put Buffy at ease. Alcohol did funny things to people. The thought crossed Spike’s mind that Buffy has an aggressive nature and he might be heading into dangerous territory, but inasmuch as he hoped to spend an eternity with this woman, now was as good a time as any to find out. They made small talk about the weather, the food, and Giles’ generosity. When finally the meal was done and the table cleared, Spike put a small bowl of mints that were included in the basket on the table and decided that now was the time to talk. “Buffy, I’m so sorry.”
At the exact same moment Buffy said, “Spike, I have to apologize.”
Startled, they laughed. The started together again and laughed and Spike said, “Know it’s polite to let the lady go first, but since I’m the biggest offender here, I wish you’d let me say my bit.”
Buffy said, “I don’t know that what you said is true, but by all means go ahead.”
“Right then…I’m a complete arse and I wonder how you can even consider lovin’ me. I don’t deserve you…really, I don’t. For all you knew we would never, ever see each other again and you had every right…even a duty…to move on. To be honest, I don’t approve of your choice, but you should be dressed in the finest and stay at the finest places because there is no one who deserves it more and I’m a bloody arse for sayin’ the things I did. Can you ever forgive me?” He crawled around to her side of the table and sat with his back against the couch and pulled her over to sit between his legs and lean against him.
She considered what she wanted to say. She had it all figured out when she was just going to blurt it, but now that he went first it wasn’t so easy. “Spike, when we were in the Hellmouth and you were glowing with all the light of heaven I told you I loved you….I meant it. I meant it then and I mean it now. That day when I lost you….I lost me. All I did after that was go through the motions….a thousand times worse than when Willow brought me back and you were the only one who understood how lost I was.” Great salty tears started welling in her eyes. “Everyone kept telling me how happy I should be, how I should start my new life, the life I was always wishing I could have.” Buffy turned her head to meet his gaze. “No one understood. No one knew how I felt about you. That was my fault. They should have known all along. You were right Spike. You were always right.”
Spike wanted to say something but Buffy, who by now had tears rolling down her face went on, “The Immortal treated me like I was a queen….took me to all these amazing, exotic bazaars and wouldn’t let me spend a cent. He tried to make advances but I made it plain that wasn’t part of the deal. If he wanted, I was happy to be the flower on his lapel for awhile, but there would be nothing else. I could never love again. I’d found my love….,” she sobbed, “and lost him.”
“Buffy, I…”
“Just one more thing….you never left me Spike. Do you know that? You were in my heart and soul every moment after…. I could hear your voice telling me what to do, advising me….taking care of me.”
“I know baby,” Spike said tenderly.
“No, you don’t know. How could you know?” She said, not understanding.
“You told me….last night…in your dream.”
~~~
The time Spike dreaded most was at hand. He had to tell her soon…to wait would show him to be the same coward he was in not coming back to her. When he told her he worked at Wolfram & Hart he was surprised she didn’t ask. He supposed she knew he’d get around to the details sooner or later. She understood his reluctance to speak of anything Angel related.
He reached into himself to find the poet for the words to tell Buffy about the final battle but they wouldn’t come. Bugger, he thought, I can wax poetic at the most importune times but not when I need it most. So he waited until there was a lull in the chat, took a sip of his tea and took her hand.
She looked at him and her eyes filled with tears. “I know,” she said.
He gave her a puzzled look.
“No, I don’t know, not really except that something made you leave L.A. Something you haven’t included in your stories. I know that you didn’t come to me. You found Giles. You needed help…not love…”
He tried to interrupt but she stopped him, “It’s OK, baby…I understand….I think. Like always, you were thinking about me. You convinced yourself that a life without you was what was best for me.” she said tenderly, “You were wrong.” She smiled, “Miserably, pitifully wrong….but you did what you thought was right.” He raised his eyes to hers. “It’s something bad, isn’t it? Something very, very bad,” she nodded slowly as she looked into his eyes. He lowered his head to avoid her gaze ….she touched his chin ever so gently and lifted his face to see great heavy tears rolling down his face as his nod mimicked hers.
The words choked out, “Yes pet, very, very bad, “ and he sobbed.
Buffy straightened her shoulders. She never stopped the tender caresses that her lover needed so badly while she steeled herself for what he had to say. After losing him and so many others in her young life, she really believed that there wasn’t much left that could hurt her and now she knew she was wrong. “It’s Angel, isn’t it?”
Spike nodded, “…and all the others.”
“Others?”
“The whole team. Gunn, Lorne, Fred, Wesley…Connor.”
“Wesley too?”
“All of them. Even Connor.”
”Who’s Connor?”
It seemed like minutes went by before he spoke and so she urged him on. “Spike, talk to me. Tell me what happened?”
And Spike haltingly told the story of the final battle.
He started by telling her what little he knew about Connor. After all, it all started with him. Even Spike didn’t know all the details, but he knew enough. Wolfram & Hart seduced Angel into believing that he could make a difference from the inside. Connor was the bait all along. Connor was a miracle created by evil people with evil intentions, but their plan back-fired. The Senior Partners and the Circle of the Black Thorn underestimated a father’s love….and the love of a son.
Angel realized that he’d been duped and no matter what they did they would always be puppets in the hands of the firm. He set out to destroy the network of evil that bartered in the destruction of souls. His original intent was to strike a lone blow, but his team had already been to hell and back with him and they wanted a piece of the action too. Everyone went into the battle expecting to die….
And die they did. All…all except him. He saw Gunn fall. Blue told him about Wes and Angel burst into a cloud of dust before his eyes. He’d slain the dragon but fate played a part. In its death throes, the tail’s razor sharp points swung around and beheaded Angel. He never saw it coming. As Spike keened, he was struck down, knocked cold. When he came to, the rain had stopped, the alley was empty and there was no sign that a battle of epic proportions had ever taken place.
Buffy turned in his lap and wrapped her arms around him and hugged his head to her breast as he wrapped his arms around her. Her heart broke for her loss, but more for the pain of her vampire. She knew he would die a thousand tortured deaths rather than bring her one moment of pain.
Buffy was surprised she didn’t cry. Once upon a time, she was certain that Angel was her destiny. She loved him once. She did… really…with the all consuming ardor of a sixteen-year-old…and now he was gone. She hadn’t seen him, talked to him…or even thought of him since they closed the Hellmouth …and now he was gone.
She sighed and held Spike even tighter.
~~~
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Please forgive me for this and past transgressions. I just noticed that when I post HTML doesn't show. I 'm not awfully good with it and just spent a half hour fixing it only to find out I was timed out. When I logged on again all my work was gone. There are times when Spike or Buffy are thinking. I think it's really pretty apparent, but if it causes any problmes let me know. Many apologies. Aamah