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Author's Chapter Notes:
Many thanks to my betas: nightshift and cloviss. These angels have made the writing even more fun.

Nominated at Lost in Spike Awards, Love's Last Glimpse Awards, Spark & Burn Awards and Solemn Graces Awards
Chapter 31 ~ Confession

This afternoon was supposed to be a moment to relax, take a breather. The past few weeks were a stark reminder that nothing ever stays the same. Giles recalled that it was just days ago his biggest worry was how to deal with the head of the Food Services Department about keeping within her budget. He was embarrassed now as he actually thought he could divest himself of involvement with apocalyptic events. Realizing he was exaggerating, he suspected this business wasn’t an apocalypse; but it was surely the next best thing. Now, who to call first? Ease himself into the nightmare…which call would be the least unsettling? Which news did he want first, the bad news or the really bad news? He knew the Coven maintained strict scrutiny on the calendar and prophecies. Talking to Willow might reveal that he should have been well warned regarding the murders in Bishops Cleeve…but maybe not. Leah would probably know if the killings were vampire attacks… maybe not. Resigned, he took his seat in his favorite chair and sighed, “Into the breach…,” as he picked up the phone and called Willow.

It wasn’t until he heard the first ring that he thought to check his watch. What time was it there? Early afternoon. Good. He wouldn’t have to start with an apology for waking her. Willow answered on the second ring. “Willow, it’s Giles.”

“Giles. How nice. I was just thinking of you,” Willow replied.

Oh no, he thought, she wanted to tell me about the prophecy. “Really? Something important?”

“No, just wondering about Buffy’s visit. Dawn flew out last night, so she should be there sometime soon too, right?”

“Um…yes…Xander went to meet her at the airport. I expect I’ll see her this evening.” He couldn’t hide the urgency in his voice as he decided to move on past the pleasantries. He talked fast to prevent her from jumping into the conversation. “Willow, some bad things have been happening here as you know and now there have been some brutal murders in a village nearby. I’m terribly worried that it might have been something I could have aborted.” There he said it. Just admitting his fears helped allay them. Now he just needed to muster the courage to hear what Willow had to say.

“Giles, there are witches here in the Coven whose only concern are the stars and the movement of the Earth, Moon and Planets. If anything important were happening I certainly would have contacted you.”

“Thank God…And of course, I know that is true; my apologies for even thinking anything else. It’s just that we are dealing with some strange events just now and I feared that with my attention on so many things, I would have to accept responsibility for having not paid attention to the signs.”

Willow was quiet for a time and then said, “I know how you feel Giles, but evil happens all over the world every day and it has nothing to do with recorded anticipated evil. With all the power we have, we are powerless.”

Giles smiled and wondered when Willow became so wise…and so old. “How true. I’m afraid I have to cut this call short. I have other calls to make. I’m sorry for worrying you. Everyone here is fine,” he finished, lying. He didn’t have enough time to go into all that had happened in the last few weeks.

Willow said goodbye and ended with a Wiccan blessing. He didn’t know what it meant, but he was glad for all the help he could get.

Giles poured another cup of tea, returned to his chair, and dialed Leah. Voice mail. “Damn.”

He left a short message. “Call Giles. It’s important.”

~~

Buffy was just getting out of the shower when she heard a huge commotion in the parlor. She wrapped a towel around her head and threw a robe on. She didn’t imagine her day could get any worse. After leaving Spike and going for a run she tried to use the time to make sense of what was going on in her life and it all came back to the same thought.. Spike never intended to come back and now he didn’t know how to bow out gracefully. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t get any further. Each time she pulled herself together, she was right back at him stepping away from an embrace. They hadn’t touched even once since the night MacGregor showed up. He hadn’t kissed her, caressed her, held her hand…. He even took care not to sit next to her. She knew how adolescent it sounded, but she really wanted to die… And it wouldn’t be so hard to arrange, she thought, but now she was committed to this family Thanksgiving thing. The dying would have to wait… It didn’t make any difference, she was sure she was dying inside anyway.

Buffy walked out of the bathroom and saw Dawn completely wrapped in Spike’s arms as he swung her in circles like a child. Xander stood in the open doorway waiting for the merry-go-round to stop so he could bring in her bags.

“Spike, you really don’t hate me for how I treated you before.”

Spike nuzzled his face into her neck saying, “Grrrrrrr… I could never hate you, Bit! You’re my little sis.”

As he spun her around again, Dawn emitted shrieks of glee and laughed saying, “Stop! Stop it now! Put me down.”

Spike replied, “Never. This is too much fun.”

Xander went to stand next to Buffy who stood watching. “Quite a reunion, huh? This coming back from the dead thing seems to come with perks.”

Buffy didn’t answer, just looked at her friend, expressionless. Xander opened his eyes wide and said, “O--kay, is it cold in here?” He walked over to the fireplace and considered starting a fire… anything to get away from the chill that was blowing off of the Buffster.

Spike saw what Xander was doing, stopped playing, and said, “Here now, let a man help you with that.”

“When you find one let me know, I’ll be glad for the help.” Xander replied and ducked from the crack across the back of his head that he was sure was coming.

That left Dawn alone, trying to gain her balance after all the spinning. She spied Buffy and ran to embrace her sister. Buffy stiffly accepted the hug. Dawn pulled back, saw something in Buffy’s expression, and asked, “Where’s your room, I brought some goodies for you.” Buffy led her through the kitchen to the sweet old-fashioned bedroom. Dawn closed the door.

“Wasn’t exactly the welcome I was expecting, Buff. What’s going on?” She said leaning her back against the closed door.

~~~

Xander stared at Spike who looked back. “What?”

“Funny, that’s exactly what I was going to say. It’s friggin’ cold in here. I’ve never been Sensitiveman and even I can feel it.”

“What are you goin’ on about?” Spike asked.

“Cut the shit, Evil Dead. Don’t try to kid a kidder. What’s goin’ on?”

“Nothin’ that’s any business of yours Harris.” Spike went out to the kitchen to bring in the snack trays that had been sent over for the impromptu Welcome party for Dawn and Xander followed close on his heels.

“I mean it Spike. There’s tension in the air here. This is the Chapel of Love; this is supposed to be a No-Tension Zone, so again I say, what’s goin’ on?”

Spike stopped what he was doing and studied Xander. Under the intense scrutiny, Xander became uncomfortable. “What? Is my fly open? Is there something in my teeth? What?” Then Xander saw a change come over Spike.

Spike turned to the coat tree and grabbed his duster and Xander’s jacket. As he rolled his duster over his shoulders he threw Xander’s jacket to him and said, “Let’s take a walk.”

A stunned Xander said, “But this is all so sudden, Spike. What will the others think?” giving him a rogue smile and wiggling his eyebrows.

To which Spike answered, “Just shut the fuck up and come on.”

“Wait, shouldn’t we…” Xander started to say as Spike grabbed his arm and dragged him out of the door.

The air was chill. Winter chill. It was hard to believe that just a few hours ago a light sweater would have been enough. Now there was even a crunch of frost under their footsteps. They went some distance before Spike spoke. “We have an unusual history, boy. You and me. Lots of feelings between us. Most of it pretty unfriendly.” The pace of the walk never slowed. Xander was able to see his breath billowing out before him. “I owe my life to you Harris.” No breath there.

That stopped him. “Now wait a minute Spike. Where are you going with this?”

Spike stopped too. He turned and looked Xander square in the eye and after a second, shook his head and said, “Shit!….can’t do this.”

Xander said, “Whoa, now you’ve got me wigged. It seems to me that after what we’ve been through over the last what? Five? Seven? Years? Not to mention what we’ve been through the last few weeks, it’s pretty clear that while we may not be bestest pals, but the hate thing is gone….at least on my side…Hell, I can’t see Buffy look at you and hate you anymore. Now let’s just get whatever the hell this is over with. What the fuck is wrong? Just tell me.”

Spike leaned against and reached into his pocket to pull out his pack of cigarettes and lighter. After lighting up, he considered Xander’s honest, open face. Xander was the closest thing to a friend he ever had, “Oh, what the fuck …I’m afraid, Harris.” Then a long pause in which Xander gave him no help…no lead lines. “This whole thing with the gnarvole demon has taken the spit and vinegar out of me. I’m healed well enough, but I don’t know if I want to put myself in harm’s way anymore. I believed I was immortal, and guess what? I’m found out I’m not.”

“Spike, you’re being too hard on yourself man. Geez, after what you went through, I’d think you were nuts if you weren’t a little skittish.”

“But that’s not all…..oh God, this is hard.”

“Look, Spike, just say it.”

“Right then, Buffy and I haven’t …been together…since the attack.”

“What’re you talking about? She hasn’t left your side”….Then the light went on. “Oh…..oh!”

“Buffy doesn’t understand.” He took a long drag from his cigarette, “Then again, I haven’t given her a chance to understand. I haven’t said a word, just been avoidin’ her.” He started to walk again and Xander followed. “I wait ‘til she goes to bed and then I sleep on the couch. Every time I see her, I want her.” Spike saw the look on Xander’s face, threw his hands in the air and said, “You don’t want to hear this stuff. Ah…nevermind. Let’s go back.”

“Oh no, you don’t. You came out here to say something. I’m no shrink, but if you don’t say it, it’s only gonna get worse, so spill.”

Spike yelled and the earth shook, “I don’t know if the equipment works anymore.”

Xander’s expression was blank. If he were really honest with Spike he would have told him that was the very thing he would have thought of after the attack. Shit, a guy can’t help but put himself in the same place as another guy with something like that. Finally, he said…”ah, so you… ah…haven’t taken it out for a spin, huh?”

Spike couldn’t believe he was having this conversation. He hung his head and said, “Oh, Little Spike stands up well enough… has to be talked down a lot of the time.” He smiled, “I’m living in the same house with Buffy, Harris. Little Spikey stands up almost all the time and what’s worse, I know Buffy wants it too.

“Oh yeah, Spike the Stud! You know she wants you……riiiight!”

Deadpan, Spike answered, “Well, yeah, she wants me.”

“Spike.”

“You really are as stupid as you look, aren’t you? Women signal their needs too y’know?”

“Oooh, oooh, I know this,” Xander said jumping and raising his hand like a kid in school, “Pheromones!”

“Yeah, there’s that and more. They get wet…” Spike said matter-of fact.

“Oh, please…” Xander said incredulously, “you don’t know that without a peek… What? She leaks?”

“You pitiful git! I’m a bleedin’ vampire. I can smell her arousal.”

“Can I just say, Ew?” Xander screwed up his face and then smoothed. “Wait a minute…you can tell when a woman is turned on? I mean really. Not just doing that bitchy teasing thing?”

Spike gave Xander a satisfied smile, and drawled, “Yeah.”

Xander was quiet for a minute, took a deep breath as if to say something….paused and did the same thing again. Finally, he said, “So let me see if I’ve got all this straight. You live forever. You never age. You have a building fall on you and break every bone in your body and you heal in a couple of days. You know when a woman wants you and you can do the deed for hours on end without….um…suffering…um…shrinkage and slumpage. I got all that right?

Spike considered the question and answered, “Pretty much.”

“OK. The next time I say Bite me, just go ahead and do it,” and then added, “Hey, can you grow back an eye?”

“Listen whelp, I’m glad I could bring you up to speed on the sex life of vampires, and thanks for the offer. I’ll keep it in mind, but can we get back to the matter at hand?” Spike asked.

“Right. Where were we?” He thought. “You and Buffy are both turned on. This is all of the good, right? Mind you, I prefer not to think about it, if you don’t mind… but here we are. So what comes next?” He covered his mouth and tried not to laugh at his pun.

Spike looked at him and quietly said, “You know? I think I’ll just bite you right now. I’d be doing the world a favor.” He just closed his eyes and shook his head in disbelief and then he shouted, “Nobody comes next. There is no coming. There is only pfft.”

Xander’s eye popped and after a minute said, “Come again?” When Spike’s deep feral growl made the ground beneath their feet rumble, he said, “Oh God, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Giggling, he went on, “I couldn’t help it…Come on…Oh…I can’t stop!” Finally, Spike showed his true face and Xander settled down. It took a few minutes and many deep breaths, gulping and swallowed snickers.

As Xander brought himself under control, Spike figured it couldn’t hurt to hear any advice Watcher Wannabe might have and went on with his story. “This is how it goes. I’m all alone and I try to “take it out for a spin,” as you say …and my balls tighten up. I’m…um…all set to fire …and then I start shakin’ all over…well…I would if I could, and pfft.”

Xander listened and then said, “uh huh, uh huh…” nodding his head like a doctor, considering his patient’s symptoms. “There it is again, pfft, you say?” Every adolescent cell in his body wanted to burst out laughing again, but he knew if he did, he’d have to bid a final farewell to his head. Come on, Xander, get it together. “OK, then. Did you talk to the lady doctor about it?”

“Yeah…sort of. No, not exactly…Don’t think I didn’t try. I just don’t think she understood. I know she’s a doctor an’ all, but…she’s a woman…she can’t properly understand the relationship a bloke has with his bits, you know?”

After walking for another good distance with silence prevailing, Spike spoke. “It’s really all about Buffy.” He paused and gave Xander a questioning look. “Look, Xander, I know this is hard for you, but the sex between Buffy and me is good, yeah? Fantastic. Earth shattering.”

“OK, OK, I get it. Get on with whatever point you’re trying to make. This is getting too weird.”

“What if I try and that’s all over? What if I can’t shatter her world anymore?”

At this Xander’s eye nearly bulged out of his head. “You’re a damn fool, you know that? How can you… Arrrgh…Are you really so fucking stupid that you think all you are is her sexbot? …Damn… just when I thought I was going to be able to stand you….You stupid…. Fucking… jerk!” Xander had clearly lost control. He turned to Spike and shoved him with both hands, never stopping his rant, calling Spike all manner of foul, rude names to tell him what a loser he was. Spike backed up from the shove, never raising a hand and Xander kept on…shoving and pushing until Spike lost his footing and fell flat on his ass.

Through all this Spike was saying, “Have you gone completely off your nutter? Think about what you’re doing, Harris! Dangerous stuff, here…GET your bloody hands off me!” Spike never lifted a finger in retaliation.

Xander stood over him and pointed his finger and said, “Now listen to me, you dead ass, stupid fuck, Buffy loves you. She loves you to hell and back. You are her morning and her night and all the minutes in between. After you went up in smoke, she only existed. I love her more than you’d ever care to know, and if I find out you bring one more moment of hurt to her, I will stake your worthless ass, soul and all. Do you really think that all she cares about is your …what do you call ‘em? your dangly bits? Shame, shame on you. Now get up. We’ve got to get back.” He reached out a hand to help Spike. After a moment, Spike took it, stood, and brushed himself off.

They walked back in silence. There was nothing more to say. Xander was right and Spike knew it. Of course, he couldn’t help but be a little amused at Xander being all ‘Jack the Giant Killer.’ The smell of fear cascading off of him the whole time he was giving Spike ‘what for’ was driving the demon mad, but the soul and the man in Spike could only smile.

~~~

Back at the cottage, Giles opened the door, “Ah, there you are. Dawn and Buffy are apparently having a sister moment. I expect they’ll be out in a minute. In the meantime, Buffy’s put out some snacks for us. Leah and I are having a glass of wine. Interested?”

Spike raised one eyebrow, “Excuse me, mate, when did you become lord of the manor?”

Without skipping a beat and chewing on a piece of cheese and cracker Giles answered, “When I ordered the tray be sent over.”

Spike replied, “Ah…yes…right then, I’ll have the red. Ta.”





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