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Author's Chapter Notes:
i do not own the charcters and the song is by Nick Lachey. Also self inflicted abuse is in this chapter. If you cant handle it do not read.
The next few days where a blur for Buffy and her son. Spike for some odd reason was trying to have a relationship with her son. Part of her didn't want to allow that. But the other part of her knew that it would be for the best. She still wouldn't give him a chance though. Not after not wanting anything to do with her and his son for five years. For now though she would allow that. Billy laughed when his dad threw him in the pool, "Daddy!! Get mommy get mommy!" He yelled. Spike looked over at Buffy and smirked. Looking at him made her heart melt, "No. Don't touch me, Spike." And with that she smiled at Billy and walked inside. She went upstairs and tears fell. She lifted her sleeve up and looked at the barely there scars. She grabbed the razor and cut her wrist. This made the other pain she felt go away. A few minutes past and she wipped her wrist and put a bandade on it. Walking out she ran right into, Spike.

He knew what she was probably going to do. So he tucked Billy in for his nap and went and waited for her. He grabbed her arm hard and pulled the sleeve up. He shook his head and looked at her with disgust, "What the hell, Buffy? You have a son and you do this? Why? Are you trying to kill youself? Do you want you fucking life to end when you have so much to go for?" He yelled. He didn't mean to but this wasn't the women he knew 5 years ago. Of course it wouldn't be. She had a child and he blew her off. She pushed him away and wiped her tears away, "No!! It makes the other pain go away. The only time I'm happy is when I'm with that little boy! He's the only thing I have now! But he deserves a better mother than me! I was 18 when I had him Spike. I was in love with you and thought you would be there with us but you just turned you back on me when you found out you knocked me up! You have no idea what kind of hell me and that little boy went through! So DON'T act like you give a rats ass about us because you don't." She was in tears by now.

Spike looked at him and felt his own tears form. He knew that he wasn't there, but did she really think that she didn't have anybody, "Buffy I'm here for you. I always have been. I know that what I said..Was messed up but I didn't mean it. I was scared and didn't know what to do. But you can't keep doing this to yourself. You can't keep hurting yourself. And that little boy? He has the perfect mother right here. You may not see that but its the truth. He looks up to you and me. I may have not been there in the beginning but I want to be there now. Not for you but for him. I want to help you though. This isn't the women I fell in love with. I'm sorry baby for everything." Buffy looked at him and went into his arms and cried, "After the wedding..Will you help me? I know I need help but I can't do this on my own..Please?" She was so lost and broken. And he knew that there was something else that caused her pain. But in time he knew that she would tell him. "I hated you, you know? At first. But I can't hate you anymore." She whispered.

Picking her up he carried her to her room and ran a hand through her hair, "Maybe you should start singing again love. You always loved that. I'll help you. I'm here and I won't leave you again." She just nodded and dozed off to sleep. He ran his fingers through her hair. He hated seeing her like this. She had a whole life ahead of her to live. And he would make sure she lived that life.

Waking up, Buffy looked at the alarm clock and saw it was close to 6pm. She stood up and looked around. He wasn't there. She sighed and walked down stairs to see him and Billy making sandwitches. She smiled, "Hey you two what are you up to?" Spike smiled, "Well making mommy here something to eat. So sit down and all of us will eat together." He pulled a chair out for her and she sat. "Mommy!! Daddy let me help cook! But I made a mess but its okay! We cleaned it up." He sat on her lap and smiled and gave her a sloppy kiss, "Aww thank you baby. Mommy is very happy." She smiled at Spike, "Thank you for watching him. And for earlier. It ment alot to me." He just nodded and gave her his smirk, "Maybe you can thank me later?" He saw her look and nodded with a smile, "Just playing, Buffy." She smiled and started eating her hamburger. She knew Spike was worried and she was also greatful that he was here to help her.

They tucked Billy in and then heard to her room. They sat on the bed in silence for what seemed like forever, "I have some things I need to tell you that also happened the past 5 years. Some good...Alot bad. But you can't get mad and you can't go out and try and kill someone okay?" Spike looked at her and took a feep breath, "Okay love. The floor is all yours." She smiled a bit and took a deep breath.

"I Can't Hate You Anymore"

An empty room can be so deafening,
The silence makes you wanna scream,
It drives you crazy.
I chased away the shadows of your name,
And burned the picture in a frame,
But it couldn't save me.

And how could we quit something we never even tried,
Well you still can't tell me why.

We built it up,
To watch it fall.
Like we meant nothing at all.
I gave and gave the best of me,
But couldn't give you what you need.
You walked away,
You stole my life,
Just to find what you're looking for.
But no matter how I try,
I can't hate you anymore.
...I can't hate you anymore.

You're not the person that you used to be,
The one I want who wanted me,
And that's a shame but,
There's only so many tears that you can cry.
Before it drains the light right from your eyes,
And I can't go on that way.
And so I'm letting go of everything we were,
It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

We built it up,
To watch it fall.
Like we meant nothing at all.
I gave and gave the best of me,
But couldn't give you what you need.
You walked away,
You stole my life,
Just to find what you're looking for.
But no matter how I try,
I can't hate you anymore.

Sometimes you hold so tight,
It slips right through your hands.
Will I ever understand?

We built it up,
To watch it fall.
Like we meant nothing at all.
I gave and gave the best of me,
But couldn't give you what you need.
You walked away,
You stole my life,
Just to find what you're looking for.
But no matter how I try,
I can't hate you anymore [x2]





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