A/N: Making up is hard to do. Sorry to anyone totally enraged by a certain turn of events. Maybe I was being too subtle with Spike's emotions. Focus more on what he didn't do, than what he might do. Hope you like this, more soon. Reviews are good, even if you're angry.
Got nothing for you, I had nothing before
Don't even have anything for myself anymore
Sky full of fire, pain pourin' down
Nothing you can sell me, I'll see you around
All my powers of expression and thoughts so sublime
Could never do you justice in reason or rhyme
Only one thing I did wrong
Stayed in Mississippi a day too long
***
Walking through the leaves, falling from the trees
Feeling like a stranger nobody sees
So many things that we never will undo
I know you're sorry, I'm sorry too
Some people will offer you their hand and some won't
Last night I knew you, tonight I don't
I need somethin' strong to distract my mind
I'm gonna look at you 'til my eyes go blind
Well I got here following the southern star
I crossed that river just to be where you are
Only one thing I did wrong
Stayed in Mississippi a day too long
-Bob Dylan, "Mississippi"
Spike turned to leave but Dru's voice stopped him.
"I don't think you understand yourself, William."
Spike turned and glared at her. He was tired of that name, tired of all the people who used it, all the people who wanted him to be something he wasn't. He was a junkie and a whore and he didn't give a shit, but when people said that name he saw what they wanted and it cut into him.
"Dru. . . " He sighed and tried to pull her with him but she resisted. "Dru, come on, let's get out of here, get some H, some E, whatever, just something. You and me, baby, remember?"
She shook his hand off and stepped back.
"We don't change, people like us. I was always crazy, ever since I can remember, saw things I shouldn't, people always looked at me funny. . . " she trailed off and her eyes glazed over for a moment before her expression hardened again and she glared at him.
"I am the way I am, I tried to make you into something like me, somebody who would feel what I feel and see what I see, but I couldn't do it. I named you Spike, debased you, enslaved you, abused you. It wasn't to be cruel, just to make you understand, but it never worked. You were never any of those things, William."
"Shut-up."
"No, my eyes are clear, have been for a while, and I decided that if you ever came back. . ." She stopped and smiled at something behind him. "Pixies tell me you'll be fine, tell me you'll find your way, but I have to help you. Can't let you go on, no matter how much I want to keep you. You were never mine."
"Dru, what the bleeding fuck are you going on about?"
"Naughty William, so angry, so full of misunderstanding and hurt. You kiss me but you think of her, I would have fucked you if I thought I could get her out of your mind but it wouldn't work." Her eyes snapped to his and he felt a strange sensation go through him, it was like she was looking into his soul and he couldn't look away from her.
"I see you now, William, see beyond all the others you hide behind. Behind the girl and the little boy who hurt you. I don't know if you've ever talked to the real you, ever really felt him yourself. You're hiding, and you've got to stop."
She looked away suddenly and they both felt the loss, Dru's knees gave out and Spike barely managed to hold them both up. "Dru, pet, please, tell me what the hell has gotten into you."
"Nothing. . . for once William, I've got nothing."
He stared at her for a moment before understanding exactly what she meant. "Dru, that's bloody dangerous. You've been hurt before when you're like this. I've got to get you to the doctor, get you some new pills."
She shook her head and stood. "I feel myself too, for once I can feel it, my soul, it was so lost. William, I can't lose me again, can't survive without it, don't take me away."
He looked her in the eyes once more and realized that for once she really did seem clearer to him. She seemed more sane spouting off about pixies and souls than she ever had before when she'd been on those damn pills her doctors had given her, even sober she was still somewhere else.
"Dru . . ."
She brushed a hand across his brow and brought his head to rest on her shoulder. "My poor, sweet, lost little William."
"They. . . they think I'm off with you, getting wasted. I want to be."
"That's not what I've seen."
"What?"
"Someone's looking for you, two someones. She's not with them, but everyone is oh so worried."
Spike clenched his jaw. "I couldn't do it, Dru."
"I know."
"If I hurt Buffy like that. . . They think I would have but I wouldn't. They don't fucking trust me. I came here, but I wasn't. . . Please tell me you understood."
Drusilla petted his head and nodded. "You surprised me, never thought you would shock me. If I hadn't known that you'd hate me and yourself forever, I never would have let you stop."
Spike took a step back and looked around the room, like he was seeing it for the first time. He'd come in intent on fucking Dru's brains out and then scrambling his with every chemical he could get his hands on. New he'd realized that he wouldn't have been able to follow through with any of his plan. He realized that he'd been the one to pull away, to stop. He took a deep breath. He stopped.
He'd stopped.
Up until that point he'd still had the intention to see Dru off safely and find something to numb the pain without her, but now he had a new plan. One far better than before.
One that could quite possibly save everything, most importantly Buffy. Plans weren't really his thing, usually they didn't work out, but he had every reason to follow through with this one. If he could fight the temptation Dru offered, he could fight anything.
He looked at her now and saw her. Not Angel, not the wild sex and the drugs and the booze and the blood. He just saw Dru, saw what William saw that night years ago. Beautiful and mysterious. But he had that and more back home.
He had Buffy. Or he'd had Buffy. No rights to the girl now, but maybe, if he could follow through just this one time, he could have her again. Make himself the man she deserved because for the first time he actually wanted to be that man.
Really truly, absofuckinglutely wanted to be someone, anyone, for Buffy.
Dru said she'd found her soul and wasn't letting go.
It was time he went looking for his.
***
Anya and Xander had been looking for a few hours now and still no luck. They'd checked all the old haunts, hit up a few of their old "friends", even checked the police for mention of Dru's new digs. Spike hadn't been back for too long.
He'd left three days ago, and still no word. Buffy hadn't spoken to any of them since Anya left her room the day Spike had gone. She'd come out every once in a while for the basic necessities, or to go to class or work, but she was silent throughout it all.
Anya, of course it was Anya, had asked her if she'd heard from Spike. She looked sad for a moment and shook her head, but she still didn't talk to them.
Willow and Tara had tried too with no success. Buffy had turned into an enigma, and so had Spike. Although he was terrifying them, and Buffy was just making everyone a little depressed.
Xander lamented daily about knowing better than to believe Spike could find someone and keep them, Anya was irritated and not a little offended that he hadn't even bothered to call. Willow was frantic and trying to set a decent date to tell her father that her brother might be up to his old tricks, and Tara was almost as oddly quiet as Buffy. That shouldn't have been a big change, it must have been the vibes she was giving off.
Finally, Anya and Xander got the news they never expected. Dru was sober, really truly sober. They wouldn't have believed it, but every dealer they knew, every junkie they'd ever met through Spike confirmed it.
That was the end of that lead.
"You know, if Buffy takes him back after all he's put everyone through, she's either really stupid or under some kind of spell."
Xander looked at his girlfriend and nodded sadly. "I don't think even Tara can forgive him completely for this."
***
Buffy closed the door to her room and leaned against it, sighing heavily. It had been a week now. One full week of lying to everyone. She hated it, she didn't want to do it, but she understood why she had to.
Spike would never get through it all if she told them.
She moved to her bed and flopped onto her back, reaching for his pillow and the phone he'd given her. She must be crazy to wait for him. She must be crazy to care. She must be crazy. Period.
A week ago, he'd come to her. Climbed in through the window so no one would notice. Scared the shit out her doing it, but she'd been so happy to see him she didn't have the time to tell him before she'd pulled him to her.
"Spike, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean it!"
Spike pulled back and put a hand to her cheek. "Shh, Buffy, you didn't do anything wrong."
She tried to contradict him but he put a finger to her lips and pulled her down on the bed to sit next to him. "I've got to tell you some things, and you won't like it all, I'm sure. What you need to know first is that I love you, I do, and I'm not trying to leave you, I want to be with you, but there are other things that have to be taken care of first."
He looked away from her and sighed. "I'm the one that should be sorry, Buffy. I've gone about this whole bloody thing wrong. Every moment I've been using you, you were right, and I was so wrong. Believe me when I say I didn't mean for it to be that way. I didn't mean to do what I did, didn't even really know I was doing it.
"I've been hiding, hiding almost all my bloody life, and you told me that. Didn't believe you. Well, didn't understand it really. I know that now, know what I've been trying to do. I've got to stop it."
Buffy wasn't sure where he was headed, but she wasn't sure she was going to like it. "Where did you go?"
He looked away from her and ran a hand through his hair. "Let me have it all out before you say anything, alright?"
She nodded warily and he sighed.
"Went to Dru, not to. . . Not for anything but some comfort." He looked up quickly. "Of the non-sexual kind. I swear it, just wanted her to listen. Everyone around here knows you, knows us, and I thought it'd be good to cry on someone's shoulder who's not a part of this."
Buffy could understand it, didn't make it easier, but she understood. "That's where you were this whole time?"
He shook his head. "I came back here, realized what I fuck I'd been and wanted to apologize, but I heard you talking to Anya."
Buffy's brow furrowed. What could he have heard that. . . Oh shit. "Spike, what you heard, you must have not heard it all. I think-"
"Shh, luv. Whatever she said, whatever you thought. . . Weren't wrong entirely. I fucked up Buffy. I couldn't let go and even if I didn't go off to shag her and get high I wanted to." He swallowed. "I went back and I wanted to prove you right, wanted to so badly but I couldn't. I stopped it, and then Dru started talking about some things. About me."
Buffy's anger rose at that, if she started to hurt him again, so help her God-
"I know what I have to do now. Things are gonna change. She's better now, clean and she's off her medication. I was scared at first, of what she'd do, but I think something's happening to her that's making things ok in her head."
He shook off Dru in his head and turned to Buffy, this was the hard part. He took her hands and held them between their bodies. "I've got to leave Buffy. I don't know how long I'll be gone."
"Spike-"
"No, luv, I've got to do this or I'll never be anything more than some pathetic ponce who can't let go. I've got to let go, of Dru, of Xander, of Tara. I've got this world in my head where they can't leave, and I always go to them. I can't do it anymore, you were right. So bloody right, Buffy, I'm so sorry that I did this to you."
Buffy pulled him to her and they rocked together for a moment. The way he held her told her it was goodbye and she couldn't help but cry.
"Shh, baby, I'll be back, I swear."
She looked at him hard and he avoided her gaze. "Spike-"
"You don't have to wait. I don't know when I'll be back and it's not bloody fair to you. I've put you through hell and I don't deserve you to even think of me when I'm gone."
"Spike, don't..."
He sighed and kissed her hands. "I can't lie and say I'll be happy if you find someone else, better... I'll hate it, and I'll want you back, and I'll still love you, but I'm not gonna fight it. I just want you to be happy, Buffy. I've fucked it all up, it's all I've ever wanted but I've made such a mess of it."
They sat together for a little longer before she stood and started to fold some of his things and stick them in a bag. He stood and helped her and soon he was ready to be gone for however long he needed to be.
He stood back and opened his arms and she wrapped herself around him. He rested his cheek on her hair and closed his eyes.
"Buffy?"
"Yeah?"
"I want to stay broken up."
She pulled back. "What?!"
Spike rubbed his eyes. "I mean, bloody hell! I want to end this, what we had, and I want to start over. New and improved me wanting you all over again. I need to earn it Buffy, not fall back into something that wasn't right."
She nodded, liking the sound of that more than she had imagined she would. Looking back on all the things they'd gone about all wrong, she understood his need for something new. She needed it too.
"Are you going to tell everyone?"
He shook his head. "Part of this whole thing is to get away from all of this, all the crutches I've got. I don't want them to know where I am, that I'm gone. I'm telling you, I'm telling my dad, and I hope you can wait for me to let the others know."
Buffy nodded, though she hated lying to their friends, especially his sister. "I won't tell them. Do you know where you're going?"
"Woodstock, then maybe back to England for a bit. I hope I won't be gone too long, but I've got no bloody clue."
"Can I contact you?"
He pulled her against him again. "Give me a week. Just one week to get myself sorted as far as we're concerned." He pulled out a cell phone and handed it to her. "My number's in here, we can talk as much or as little as you want. Just give me a week."
She nodded and put the phone on the bed before moving back into his arms. "I'm proud of you, Spike. I want you to work this all out. Are you getting help?"
"That's part of it, the other part's just being by myself and being ok with that. Something I haven't been able to do for a long time."
"When the week is up, I want you to call me. If you're not ready, you don't have to. Know that I want you to call, don't go all insecure on me. Call me when you're ready."
They stood for a while longer and Spike buried his face in her hair. She tried to keep from crying, but the more she thought about how long he could be gone, the more she hated the fact that she hadn't found a way to make him get help before it came to this.
"Something I had to do on my own, luv," he whispered against her ear.
"Reading minds now?"
"Just know you. I'll miss you, Buffy, and I love you."
She moved to kiss him but he pulled back. "When I get back, when we're ok, yeah?"
She didn't like it, but she nodded. He stepped back and grabbed his bag. He opened the window and tossed it out before swinging a leg over the sill.
"Got that phone, yeah?" She nodded. "One week, baby. I promise."
They exchanged one last look before he put his other leg out. She turned and sat on the bed.
"Oh fuck it."
Before she could look up he was pulling her into his arms and devouring her mouth like he'd been starving for her. He would be soon, she supposed.
He pulled away too soon for both of their tastes and climbed down before she could register what was happening.
Well, his week was up. Buffy couldn't help but worry that he wouldn't call, wouldn't be ready yet.
She supposed holding him to his week promise wasn't the most charitable thing to do, but most of her didn't particularly care. She wanted to talk to him, and now, she couldn't help it.
The phone rang and knocked her out of her reverie. She scrambled to flip it open and raised it to her ear.
"Spike?!"
"'Lo, luv."