“I was just coming to see you,” she told him.
“Oh?”
“Yeah, I . . . we never got to . . . you were starting to tell me something when . . . Do you want to come in?”
Raking a hand through his locks, Spike stepped back. “How about we go downstairs instead? Maybe get some air on the patio?”
Okay, so he didn’t want to be alone with her in her bedroom. She should take that as a compliment of sorts, right? She wasn’t liking this though, she was feeling as if she were about to get the brush off again and that was not settling well in her half-drunk, half-sober brain.
Following him down to the patio, she slipped on a cardigan and they stepped outside. Immediately, Spike lit up a cigarette and faced her. “I couldn’t sleep. I felt as though things were left up in the air. Buffy, I don’t want to lead you on.”
She stared at him, expressionless. It seemed pretty simple to her. “Then don’t.”
He took a drag from his cigarette and again ran his fingers through his hair. “It’s unprofessional of me to do this.”
“Do you want me, Spike?”
“What I want and what I’m going to do are two different things.”
“Just answer the damn question. Do you want me or not?”
“I do. It’s why I went to Anya, Buffy. I wanted you so much and I knew I couldn’t…I had to get you out of my system.”
Well, that was a slap in the face if there ever was one. “You went to Anya because you wanted me?”
“Yes, I—“
“You went to Anya because you wanted me.”
He was catching on that he was in trouble because the look on his face was one of impending doom.
“How did you think that telling me you went to another woman like that was going to make me feel better?”
“Because you’d know how much I want you,” he said slowly.
“So instead of coming to me, you went to Anya. How do you think that’s supposed to make me feel?” He started to open his mouth and she stopped him, holding up her hand. “No, wait for it. I’m going to answer since you don’t seem to have a clue, which is why you felt it okay to go ahead and share with me that you had to ‘get it out of your system’ with another woman. I understand that you and I are not together, Spike, I understand that we have no ties to one another, but just the same, a woman does not like to hear that while she is wanted, she is off limits so much that someone else had to be used to take the pressure off. Not only is it horribly wrong for you to do something like that to Anya, but also you basically just told me that I am interchangeable enough that just anyone would do.”
“Shit,” he muttered.
“Yeah, I’d say you’re pretty much wading in it right now. So, this is what I’m going to do, since I’m the one that’s caused all this…discomfort for you. Since at this point, the only one I trust to be in this house with me is you,” And since I don’t want you to go no matter how much you just hurt me, damn you, “I am just going to quite simply stay out of your way. You want this professional then fine, we’ll make it professional. No more dinners, no more hanging out, no more talking. I certainly wouldn’t want to be the cause of your distress, nor would I want to be the cause of your having to use another woman. Good night, Spike.”
She walked away from him on shaky legs and she just prayed that she’d make it up the stairs and into her room before she lost it.
Spike watched her go, feeling like possibly the scummiest person on Earth. What the hell had he been thinking when he told her about Anya? How could he have possibly thought that was going to work out well? All he’d thought was Well, then she’ll know how crazy she drives me; how much I really do want her.
“Good on you, you stupid git,” he muttered to himself. “Now you’ve single-handedly made her think that you really are a pig.”
I am a pig. And a colossal fuck up. I can’t do anything right by her – or any woman, can I?
Feeling that he’d just lost something incredibly precious, and he had, no matter his every intent on keeping his distance after their passionate kiss in the kitchen, he felt the loss acutely.
He was also aware of his contradicting actions and his hot and cold routine…it wasn’t fair to her. She deserved better than that.
She deserved better than him.
Right then. This is well and truly it. The end of what never was to begin with: Buffy and Spike.
The next afternoon, after Spike and Buffy made like two ships passing in the night all morning, and Angel made phone calls from his ‘room’, Buffy went out to tend her garden in the front yard. That gave her real peace. Her mind drifted back to the question Spike had asked about what she would have done if not website editing, and she had to say, right now, it’d be a florist. She didn’t know why she didn’t say that considering how much pleasure it gave her. She felt soothed by planting, weeding, feeding and watering her plants. She did her best thinking in the garden.
As she pulled out a weed and dumped it in a bucket, she felt a tap on her shoulder. Looking up and over, she found Riley. Standing, she turned to him, shading her eyes with her gloved hand. “Hi, Riley, what’s up?”
“I’m sorry about last night with your brother and all. It’s just that I’d rather be safe than sorry and I only met him once, ya know?”
“I understand, and I appreciate it, thank you.”
“Listen, I was wondering…I know what I said the other day, err, yesterday, was ‘uncouth’ of me and I really feel bad about that.”
“Oh, you mean with the robbers and…yeah, just forget it, it’s all right Riley. Sometimes intent and what we say and do gets crossed…” Kind of like Spike.
“Well, I was wondering, that is, if you’d let me and all…. See, I think Sergeant Rayne is gonna pull me and Gunn tomorrow and just keep Spike here with you and I was thinking, that is if you—“
“Spit it out, Riley,” Buffy encouraged kindly, yet firmly.
“Can I take you out? Just for dinner or whatever…?”
Buffy had to smile at how endearing he was. How nervous. He liked her, an idiot could see that, and though she’d never given him any encouragement, she could see that really, Riley was not a bad person. He was a good guy. A sweet guy. And knowing how it felt to be rejected and have your feelings squashed like a bug under a boot, Buffy didn’t want to be the one responsible for not at least giving Riley a chance. A chance, Spike. That’s all I wanted…how was that so wrong?
“Sure, Riley,” Buffy agreed, “I’ll go out with you. When do you want to go?”