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Chapter Thirty-Two: Always



“Jennifer Calendar-Giles was an intelligent, beautiful woman who lived for the moment. She was the heart of the household, the surrogate mother to my son…”



Buffy sat in the back row at Sunnydale Funeral Home, listening to Giles’ speech on his late wife. With Christmas only two days away, when they received the call saying Jenny’s vitals were down, the holiday spirit went out the window.



Buffy’s attention shifted to the bleach blonde, as he sat in the front row between Fred and Illyria. She had no idea how much pain he was in, but he had been avoiding her daily. When she called, he was sleeping, when she went over, he wasn’t feeling well, and when she tried to touch or kiss him, he pulled away. She was finally ready to consummate their relationship in words, and Jenny’s accident sent him running the other way.



After the service, Spike went into a limo with his family, as they took the body to a chapel for an hour, and then to the cemetery. He hadn’t spoken to Buffy much the last week. He was an emotional wreck and didn’t want to drag her down with him. When they gathered around the funeral plot, he felt alone. Fred was crying in Giles’ arms, and everyone seemed to be paired, except Buffy, Illyria, and Spike.



Illyria seemed made of stone, not bothering to shed one tear. Buffy knew Spike had cried in secret, attempting to be strong.



She stood slightly behind her mother and Dawn, her head down, watching her feet. Her long hair was down, flowing in the winter afternoon’s wind. She wore a black fitted turtleneck-sweater, a black calf-length skirt, and black boots. He felt need take him over, desire filled him, and he was bursting with love.



He was fighting so many emotions. His feelings for Buffy overwhelmed him, and the grief from losing Jenny was making him numb on the outside. He wanted to put his arms around her, cry on her shoulder, and kiss away her tears, but he couldn’t allow himself.



As the priest droned on, Spike watched her. Her own silent tears dropped down her cheeks, and she sniffled a little.



It seemed as though they’d been standing there for hours when all was said and done. The sun was setting and the crowd began acquitting. Buffy stood there, and watched as Spike stood alone.



Illyria was the last to pass her by. “His grief is deep. He may push you away in a moment of despair. Do you think you can love him?”



“I think I’ve loved him since he helped me in the woods that day.” Buffy replied honestly.



“Love was made to bring pain to the human race. I have not known love, nor would I allow it to take control of my life.” Illyria walked away, direct and rigid. Her eyes were so cold, haunting, and her words pierced Buffy.



Buffy slowly walked toward him, careful not to speak as he stared down at the fresh grave.



“I never knew how much she meant to me until I lost her.” Spike said, tears running down his cheeks.



“Spike…I know that you’re hurting, but let me make it better.” She reached out to touch him back, but he moved away as though she was fire.



“Can’t make it better…can’t bring her back. The only one that understood me is gone. She may not have given birth to me, but she was my mum.” He wrapped his arms tightly around his chest.



“I know, Spike. I understand…please don’t do this.” Buffy pleaded, tears caressing her eyes, again.



“Do what? What am I doing to you that is so fucking bad, pet? Does it hurt? Am I hurting you…all you did was hurt me. Ran around, playing games. You don’t like the game, luv?” His words were icy, hard, and mean.



“I know you don’t mean that, Spike. You’re angry cause Jenny’s gone, not because of me.” She took the chance, stepped to him, putting her arms around him tightly. She waited, hoped he’d respond.



He did, he broke down on the ground, bringing Buffy with him. He sobbed openly, and held her. “I-I can’t…she was barely there, but she was so good to me.” It was true that his parents were always away, but Jenny treated him like the child she never got a chance to really raise.



“Shhh…I’m here, Spike. Jenny’s still here, too. She’s in your heart, in those tears. Don’t cry for her. Embrace what’s happened to her, and let it show you that people come and go. But there will always be love. I love you.” She soothed him, caressing his back.



“”Please, don’t leave me.” He begged.



“How many times do I have to tell you, I’ll never go. They’ll have to pry me away from you, and even then I bet my arms would come off, which is pretty gross.” Buffy said, earning a small smile from Spike.



“Are you my girl, Buffy?”



“Always.”





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