“Giles, there has to be a way to help him through this. I can’t just stand by and watch him suffer!” her terse whisper filled the empty dojo. She’d crept down here to talk to Giles. Right know, he was the only person that she thought might understand what Spike was going through, other than her, of course, and he was thousands of miles away, in Rome, “Sorry to wake you, Giles. But, I had to talk to someone.”
Giles’s kindly voice came through the telephone receiver, “It’s no trouble, Buffy. And, you didn’t wake me. It’s the middle of the afternoon here.”
Buffy was confused, “Huh? How’d that happen? It’s three a. m. here.”
The voice in the other end of the telephone was quiet and calm, “There is a considerable time difference, Buffy.”
“Oh,” she said, feeling a little foolish, “I forgot about that. Thanks for letting me call collect, by the way.”
“As I said, it’s no trouble. And, I do understand your frustration. But, until he can communicate- and tell you what he needs- you’ll just have to be patient, Buffy.”
“I know that, Giles,” she kept her voice low, trying desperately not to wake him, as she spoke her fears; fears that she knew Spike would do anything he could to assuage. And I really wish he could, right now, “But…oh, he must be so scared. When he looks at me…it’s like, he doesn’t even know me. Like he hasn’t seen me in a million years. It’s almost as if I’m a dream, or something. I don’t even know how long it’s been for him. I don’t know what it was like. I mean, I had the Slayer dreams, and there was Homer. But, that was magic…right?” she swallowed the tightness in her throat, and tried not to cry. She knew that the battle with her tears was a battle she would not win. At least, not tonight, “That wasn’t real. I wasn’t really there. I don’t know what it was like. I can’t know. How do I reach that, Giles?”
“Buffy, there is nothing to do but wait. From what Liam has told us, that place is a kind of Hell. He said that he saw things there- saw death- that he couldn’t begin to describe.”
Buffy snorted hotly, “Liam Donovan. That’s what he’s calling himself now? Well, not to me. To me, he’ll always be Angel. Nothing can change that. And, to Spike, ‘Liam Donovan’ doesn’t even exist,” she laughed mirthlessly, “For him, Angel never existed. If he remembers at all, all he’ll remember is Angelus. You know, Giles, he wakes up screaming…I know he’s scared. And, when he can’t tell me what he needs…” she sighed, “Oh,” she began to sob, losing the tight control she had over the emotions that she’d pent up during Spike’s long absence, “I can see the pain, and it just kills me that I can’t help.”
”I’m sure he knows,” Giles’s voice was soothing to her raw heart, even from thousands of miles away, “I’m sure that the very fact that you are trying to reach him means…more than he could even articulate, in the best of circumstances.”
“I hope so, Giles,” she sighed. As she sat crouching behind Georgina’s desk, trying to shut the world out, she ran her fingers through her hair, in a last-ditch effort to keep the feelings from overwhelming her, “Thanks, Giles. Thanks for saying it. I hope it’s true.”
“It is, Buffy,” Giles said, softly, “Things will work out, Buffy. Goodnight, Buffy.”
“Goodnight, Giles. Well…Good afternoon…Tell Dawnie I love her, and Spike does too,” she sighed, as she stood to hang up the phone.
As she hung up the phone, Buffy let the tears flow. And, she felt the loss she wouldn’t speak. The one he couldn’t yet speak.
*************************************************************
He looked his little girl over with a careful eye, and did not see anything that would send his body reeling with the echo of an unknown hurt. He knew this feeling, though he hadn’t felt it in years, not since the warmth of his world had left him, he did know it.
The jangling of the nerves along his spine and the ache in his belly came when she was hurt, when she needed him. And, although his keen eyes told him that the little one had changed amazingly little-since he’d seen her last- it must have been centuries, and how that was even possible he did not know, but could only assume a spirit or deity had smiled on him, there was nothing that would cause this.
There was no reason for his spine to be tingling. There was no reason, that he could see, for his whole body to be on alert. She was not injured.
But, he could hear the sounds of distress. The ache within him continued to grow, and drew him from the familiar smallness of her and down into the unknown.
Spike quietly descended the stairs, his eyes open and alert for the source of the pitiful sound that was causing him unbelievable pain.
Even though there was pain, the action of tracking was a comfort to him. He’d done this before. It was something he knew, and that was a rare thing in this world of strange things.
That was when he found her. And she was beautiful.
***************************************************
Buffy was huddled behind Georgina’s desk, sobbing her heart out. Sobbing for all the pain she knew he’d been through; the pain she knew she couldn’t take away. She sobbed until her head was throbbing and swamped so much she couldn’t hear.
Her body began to shake and jerk with grief. The throes of sadness were so powerful that she barely noticed his gentle arms holding her.
She didn’t notice the gentle soothing sounds that drifted into her ear. They weren’t words. But, words weren’t needed, here.
Suddenly the shaking stopped. When she looked up, to find the reason why, what she found were two beautiful blue eyes.
Eyes that Buffy thought she’d never see again. Eyes that loved her, she knew it, when they didn’t know anything else.
The soft, constant roll that cascaded over her skin was a comfort she needed. It was the kind of comfort she wished she could give him.
The easy sounds of childhood issued from him as he held her, “Shhh….” he told her, “shhhh…”
“Spike,” Buffy whispered, “do you know me? Oh, how do I tell you…?”
The sounds she was making matched the ones from his dreams. He had practiced them for a while, until the darkness came, and they became hurtful. But now, as he pulled away from her, and saw the darkness clouding her face, he reached from deep inside, and remembered; trying to mimic the sounds he knew once.
Buffy was afraid that he would never hold her again, when she felt him pull away from her. She searched his face, and saw his eyebrows draw together, and his mouth pulled down in a tight frown. His eyes glinted with a look she knew too well.
We don’t need words for this, do we, Spike? I know that look. That’s frustration. You wanna tell me off? Tell me to go away…? Tell me how * I’ve * failed * you * this time. Tell me how much you hate me. Tell me something…anything…please?
Buffy thought that she must have said what she had thought aloud, because, without prompting, sounds that she could almost recognize, began coming from him.
“MMmmm…”
Buffy was shocked, “What, Spike?” she whispered.
Spike shook his head furiously, and lowered his chin in concentration, “MMmmm…”
Buffy nodded, in gentle encouragement. Baby sounds. Baby steps…Of course.
The sound came again, “MMmm…” shining, questioning eyes looked up at her, and her throat tightened enough to choke her, “…ine? MMmm…ine? Mine…?”
Buffy’s heart broke open in joy, “Yes, Spike!” she sobbed, holding him tightly, “Yours…! Yours…only yours…!”
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Author's Chapter Notes:
I checked my baby book, and according to my Mom, this was my first word.