Author's Chapter Notes:
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Chapter 5

The fever hit suddenly. One moment Buffy was fine, the next a cold sweat broke on her skin with a blue haze in her line of site. “Spike,” her soft plea almost unheard.

“Shit!” He stopped the jeep in time to catch her body falling to the side. Inhaling, he recognized the heavy scent of her blood, rapidly soaking through the bandages around her ribs. The night sky was turning lighter, the sun awakening.

Quickly, he found shelter in a nearby cave, once again sun resistant for his flame-prone skin. He quickly moved Buffy deep into the shelter and ran back to the jeep for supplies. He tried to hide the jeep before the sun started to make its ascent. Grabbing water and a blanket, he made his way to the shivering Buffy.

“Cold, so cold,” she muttered.

“I know, I know.” He helped her sit as he guided water to her mouth. “I think you’re dehydrated. Something is wrong with your ribs; I have to check it out.” He slowly rested her body against a rolled up blanket. He lifted her shirt to see the injuries, when she pushed him away.

“No,” she shook her head.

“I need to check what is going on, Slayer.” He once again lifted her shirt and probed the tender, blood soaked area.

“No, please, no. I’ll be a good girl,” she pleaded, her head thrown back. “Don’t. It hurts!” her scream echoed against the cave walls.

Her pants of breath haunted him, she was in pain. He should have known, should have smelled the blood sooner. He should have… done a lot of things differently. He carefully unwrapped her ribs and poured clean water around the wounds. Her ribs poked through her skin, why didn’t she say something?

The smell of her blood, Oh, fuck! It’s been so long, so very long, since he’d tasted human blood, let alone Slayer blood. Coppery and succulent. He could practically taste it, the scent rolling down his gullet to lay heavy in his gut. It would be so simple to lean down and taste her, taste her life and be closer to her.

She passed out once again, the pain too great. Carefully he moved the ribs back in place and wrapped her torso again. She moaned but allowed him to work on her. She was still sweating, a fever in full force.

“Come on, Buffy, you can do it,” he encouraged her as he wrapped a blanket around her. All he needed was for her to go into shock.

~*~*~

“Dawn,” she whispered. Spike watched her from his vantage point. “No, don’t say that.”

Her fever persisted, despite the fact that she was no longer bleeding. He sucked two blood bags he carried from the jeep, still cold from their frozen carrier. It didn’t sate the demon, though… it wanted human blood, wanted the Slayer… wanted Buffy not just for food.

Take her, it prodded. She’s just lying there, probably dying. She won’t notice any missing, she already bled. Give in to it. I won’t harm her, I promise. I want her, I love her. We could turn…

--No, you don’t know what love is!

Come on, you’re beginning to sound like her. I suppose you are going to say that love is staying away? Stop kidding yourself, Angel Jr.. She’ll forget about you. My way will teach her…

--I’m staying away because she doesn’t need another vampire laying the guilt of redemption at her feet. She’s better off without me.

“What choice did we give him?” Buffy muttered, her words slurred with her head tossing from side to side. “... pretended to care, to accept... took...”

Her breathing was harsh as she carried on her conversation. Her body was in so much pain, she was hallucinating.

“Suddenly different and didn’t know...”

Look at her, so helpless. She won’t fight, she can’t fight us. Give in to me, let me have her.

--She doesn’t deserve that, you know it. She’ll be fine. She’s stopped bleeding…

How do you know, won’t even breath through your nose, damn wanker. Afraid that you’ll give in to me.

--No, no, no! You don’t understand do you? No hurting her! No turning her. We love her.

Love her? You finally admit that I am capable of it? It’s beyond love. I want her. Eternity. Her blood, her body… writhing underneath. An equal on the battlefield.

--An equal in life!

*chuckling* She doesn’t love you, y’know. Give her to me and she will.

--Don’t you think I know she doesn’t love me? I’m a tool to her, just like a stake or sword.

You’re a tool alright, give her to me. We will….

--No, just let her be


Her breath hitched as she continued her conversation. “...pretended to care, don’t you see. I pushed... and pushed… took it all away from him.”

Her hand shook as it unconsciously wiped her forehead.

“I kept quiet, see? Shoved into a box... shut, no escape... used. Came to... feel better about myself.”

Her head thrashed from side to side as she fought the infection.

“Wanted to make.. better for me, make better for us…. No, no. Don’t understand. Didn’t want the dark. Wanted me to see, to know.”

Look at her, she’s out of her mind. Let me have her, just this once. I promise I won’t hurt her… much.

--No! She’s fighting for her life! Sick with fever!

Aren’t you listening to a word she’s saying?


“I ended... Couldn’t look him in the eyes. Pretend didn’t mean anything, he didn’t mean anything… couldn’t pretend…” her voice trailed off.

Hear that? You mean nothing to her. Allow me to take her out of your misery.

--You’re picking apart her words. She couldn’t pretend that I didn’t mean anything!

You’re just as delusional as Drusilla if you think she’s serious. It’s the fever! She doesn’t want you, not with the soul and not without.

--She doesn’t know about it!

What makes you think she doesn’t know? She is the Slayer after all. If you give her to me, I’ll share. We’ll have her…

-- No, shut up, shut up!


His head hurt again. Memories of the past flashing as the demon goaded him. Snippets of Drusilla and Darla laughing at the carnage he created, carved out with Angelus. His victims hoarse pleas of salvation as he drained their hope. His memories were grisly reminders of his sins.

Faces shifted and morphed as the demon taunted more, his blood lust rising with each and every flash. Growling, Spike closed his eyes and covered them with his hands.

- Bloody hell! I’m in my game face.

*chuckling* Someone’s hungry! All that fresh blood is going to waste.

-No, I’m not. Stop playing your games. I will not feed off her.

What’s one more on the record?

-I’m not hurting her

She won’t feel a thing! It’s not like it’s going to tip the scales between redemption and disgrace

- WE DON’T DO THAT ANYMORE!

Brooding puddle of wanker. I won’t even turn her, k? Just a taste.

-No, not even a taste.

COME ON!


Buffy’s moans became quieter as the fever broke and her body began to heal itself. Her lips were moving slowly, her brain still locked into her conversation. “Destroyed everything. Too late now… won’t even listen to me.”

He came forward, his hand hovering above her head. Slowly, he pushed her damp hair away from her face as she fought through the intense pain and pressure of healing herself. She was beautiful, despite the fever and pain etched on her face. Her sallow complexion abated as her natural golden glow returned. Her lips pursed and relaxed as she continued her hallucination inside her mind.

“How do I say I’ve changed? I care? There is no forgiveness.”

Forgiveness. There was no forgiveness for him. Nothing could erase the century of death and destruction that lay behind him. Nothing he could do would change it.

- Wait… Could it be? Could she have meant…?

Tears freely ran down his face as he comprehended what she said, what she meant.





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