Chapter Fifteen
Once again Buffy stood outside William’s door. She took a deep breath, trying to ward off the butterflies in her stomach. For the past few weeks she and William had still seen each other at work, but not socially. They’d both been polite, friendly even, but that easy camaraderie that they’d enjoyed was noticeably absent. It was killing her.
During that time she’d attended extra sessions with Dr Callahan. She’d worked hard on figuring out what everything she’d been through meant. She’d had no luck figuring out why she’d gotten sick in the first place – yet, she insisted to herself with grim determination – but she’d had quite a few break throughs in other ways. And now it was share time.
Abruptly, the door opened and William was standing in front of her in a pair of old blue jeans. And nothing else. Gulp. Buffy tried not to stare at the gorgeous expanse of muscular chest. Talking Buffy, she reminded herself. You’re here to talk.
“Hello William,” she greeted him cheerily. “May I come in?”
Slowly he stepped back, opening the door wider. “Of course.”
She entered with a determined stride, heading straight for the living room. “I need to talk to you.”
“Okay.” Following her into the room, he sat stiffly on the couch, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees. He kept his eyes cast downward as an awkward silence filled the room. A dozen butterflies made yet another energetic lap in Buffy’s belly.
“Okay,” she echoed him, trying to figure out how to begin. She’d had it all planned out perfectly when she was preparing for this conversation. But now that she was sitting in front of him – and he was all shirtless and distracting – her whole speech had gone right out the window.
Finally, she knelt in front of him. She wanted to touch him, take strength from his presence, but knew that it would be unwelcome. “William, I’m so sorry for what I’ve put you through. When I came back I had no idea how much I’d hurt you. How much Spike hurt you.”
He just sat there silently, looking down at the hands he’d clasped in front of him, so she continued. “I’ve tried to work it all out over the last few weeks and I want to tell you what I think happened in my head. I know six years is a lot to cover with a few words but…” She shrugged. “I have to try.”
When he still refused to respond she swallowed heavily. “I guess I was angry at you when I went to Sunnydale. So angry that I denied you even existed for nearly a year. Then when I did let you back in it was as a vampire. As the enemy.” Unable to take his guarded silence any longer she stood, moving to look out the window, though she saw nothing beyond the glass. Instead she saw Spike standing in a darkened alley vowing to kill her. She’d been so scared that night. A part of her had been sure he would succeed.
“I fought Spike so many times. We vowed to kill each other every time we met. But we never did.” She almost smiled as the memories washed over her. “We had so many chances, but…neither of us ever could deliver that final blow.”
She turned back to look at him. “I tried to make you leave you know, but you wouldn’t stay away. You just kept on coming back. I wished you’d just leave me alone to get on with my life but you refused.” She stared hard at him, trying to gauge his reaction to her tale.
“Then one day you started to change. You looked at me differently, you kept showing up every time I turned around.” A bark of laughter escaped her. “You said I had stupid hair.”
She saw William raise his eyebrows in surprise and was glad to know that at least he was still listening.
“With every change you became more like you are now. Here. More like William, but with Spike still in charge, you know? Then one day you confessed that you were in love with me.” She found herself pacing around the room, unable to keep still as it all poured out of her. “You did it in the most ridiculous way possible, but you still did it.”
“I pretended to be shocked but I wasn’t really. I fought against your love even more fiercely than I’d fought you physically and yet you still wouldn’t leave.” Almost as an afterthought, she murmured, “The one man that I refused to accept, and you were the only one that didn’t leave me. You were the only one I could count on, no matter what.”
Out of the corner of her eye she saw William’s head lift to look at her and she quickly swiped at the wetness on her cheeks.
“Then I died for like, three months. Mom tells me I was completely comatose then, they worried I’d never come out of it.”
“I worried too.” William’s voice was quiet, strained. They both paused for a moment as their eyes met.
“I think maybe I’d given up. Given up on life, given up on Sunnydale. But something pulled me back. And there you were, waiting for me. You kept me sane. You were there every time I needed you.”
She’d finally gotten to the hard part and she found herself trembling, terrified of what would happened when she was done.
“When I started sleeping with Spike I was desperate. I felt so numb inside. The only time I felt anything was when you were…with me.”
She saw him shiver, he eyes closed tightly, and she wondered what he was thinking.
“Before long I was completely dependent on you to make me feel alive. I was withdrawing from everything else around me. Nothing felt real anymore. When you begged me to go into the darkness with you and leave everything else behind I was so tempted. The thought of being at peace, in your arms…forever. I wanted…” She gave herself a mental shake, determined to get to the end of this. “I realise now what was happening. You weren’t dragging me down. You were bringing me back, William. You were helping me let go of everyone and everything in Sunnydale, so I could come home.”
William shook his head, obviously unconvinced. “I didn’t bring you back. You came back on your own.”
Buffy dropped to her knees in front of him once more. This time she gripped his hands tightly in hers; no longer caring if he objected. “I was scared Will. I didn’t understand what was happening and I thought you were trying to take me away from life. So I found another way. I found a way back on my own terms. But it was still you, Will. If it wasn’t for you, for Spike, I’d still be there. I’d still be struggling just to get through each day.” She clasped his head in her hands. “You brought me back to life William.”
Suddenly, tears were streaming down his face, his hands gripping her shoulders tightly. “I thought I was hurting you. I thought you hated me and that I was killing you.”
She shook her head fiercely. “No. For nearly six years you were my only link to the real world. Every step closer to you was a step closer to home.”
“But you were using him. You hated yourself and you took it out on him – on me.”
Her eyes closed, forcing tears to slip down her cheeks. “I know. I’m so sorry. I wish I could take it back. Treat you better.”
Holding her head in his hands he rested his forehead against hers with a small smile. “You already are treating me better. I just want you to be okay.”
“I am okay. I promise.” She smiled sadly, her bottom lip trembling as she asked, “William, can you ever forgive me?”
He sighed, dragging her against him as he buried his face in the softness of her hair. “There’s nothing to forgive, baby. Just don’t ever leave me again.”
A relieved laugh escaped as she held him tightly. “Oh believe me, there is no way you're getting rid of me now.”
[Reviews - 348]
-
Table of Contents [Report This]
Chapter or Story |
Chapter or Story | 
Chapter or Story
Has been viewed 2930 times
- Text Size +
-
Table of Contents [Report This]
Chapter or Story |
Chapter or Story | Chapter or Story - Text Size +
Author's Chapter Notes:
Thanks so much for the reviews. A special thanks to Tara, tis-kit and Dirktavian for their wonderful comments. Plus, a big welcome to new reader Ashley Granchester. I hope you continue to enjoy the story.