Author's Chapter Notes:
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Chapter Five

Slowly Buffy rose from the depths of sleep. Stirring slightly she smiled at the feel of strong arms surrounding her. Opening her eyes she tilted her head back to find sleepy blue eyes gazing down at her warmly in the dim light. Without thinking she lifted herself up sightly and pressed her lips against his. For a moment he was still, but then he kissed her back, slowly tasting her. One hand came up to caress her jaw with a feather light touch before sliding into her hair at the nap of her neck. Buffy sighed with relief, it was like she’d been lost for the longest time but now she’d finally come home. To him.

“Spike.” The word was barely a whisper, flowing out of her as she exhaled.

Instantly he went still; his mouth withdrawing from hers. The hands that had been so gentle closed in a vice-like grip around her upper arms, moving her firmly away.

Buffy frowned in confusion. Why had he stopped? He always wanted her. Spike would never…oh crap.

As her mind finally switched to ‘on’ mode Buffy’s eyes snapped open. William sat in front of her with his eyes tightly closed, his lips were pressed together in a hard line and he was breathing heavily through his nose.

“William?” She touched a hand to his cheek and he flinched. “I’m so sorry–”

“Don’t!” Pushing her away William sprang to his feet, pacing the lounge room with long agitated strides. Turning to face her he pinned her with accusing eyes. “I’m not him Buffy. I can’t be him for you.”

“I know,” she said quietly, her eyes fixed on her hands as she clenched them in her lap. “I’m sorry. You just…you look like him and I just woke up and I…I guess forgot where I was for a moment.”

“And you thought you were back where you wanted to be.” His voice was resigned, his shoulders slumped in defeat. “With him.”

Buffy was opening her mouth to speak when there was a pounding on the door. Dragging his eyes from hers, William went to answer it. Before he even opened the door fully Joyce came bursting into the apartment, her eyes frantic. “William, I’m so sorry to barge in but I need your help. Buffy went for a walk and she hasn’t come home. I need–” Joyce stopped abruptly as she spied Buffy getting up from the couch. “Buffy.”

“Mom. I’m sorry. I was just visiting William and…I guess I must have dosed off.”

For a moment Joyce just stood there, still as a statue. Then her eyes drifted closed and her face crumpled in anguish.

“Mom! What’s wrong?”

A manic laugh tore from Joyce’s throat. “What’s wrong? How can you ask me what’s wrong?” You were locked up in that hospital for six years!” she yelled, her voice quickly taking on a hysterical note. “Then your first night home you disappear for hours, I have no idea where you are, and all you can say is you guess you dosed off?”

Buffy cringed as she realised what she’d put her mother through by not telling her where she was going. Rushing forward she enveloped the older woman in her arms. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to make you worry.”

“I can’t lose you Buffy.” Joyce clutched onto her daughter as if she was drowning and Buffy was her only lifeline. “Not again.”

“You won’t lose me.” Buffy held her mother’s face between her hands and smiled at her reassuringly. “I’m not going anywhere. I promise.” Looking over her mother’s shoulder, Buffy found William standing quietly near the front door, watching them. “William, would you mind getting Mom some water?”

He nodded and disappeared into the kitchen while Buffy led her mother over to the couch.

“I really am sorry Mom,” Buffy said again. “I promise I’ll always let you know where I’m going from now on. It’s just that I’ve been coming and going as I pleased for so long. I guess I’m just not used to having to answer to anyone anymore.”

“No Buffy.” Joyce’s teeth were gritted in frustration. “You haven’t gone anywhere. You haven’t answered to anyone because you haven’t been lucid enough to give a straight answer for years.”

Jerking back at her mother’s harsh words Buffy sprang up from the couch and walked over to stare blindly out the window. Silent tears trailed down her cheeks as Giles’ face swam before her eyes. She wondered what his advice would be now. Give it time Buffy. You don’t have to figure it all out in one go. Buffy smiled wistfully at the familiar voice that echoed from somewhere within the recesses of her mind. Oddly, she felt comforted by it. Taking a deep breath she turned to see William offering her mother a glass of water.

“Actually William I’d really just like to take Buffy home,” Joyce was saying brusquely.

Sighing, Buffy walked back over to them and placed a comforting hand on her mother’s shoulder. “Yes. Let’s go home,” she told her.

Looking surprised at Buffy’s easy agreement Joyce said a quick goodbye to William and headed for the door.

Lingering, Buffy turned to William. “I’m really sorry for this mess. I guess I never should have come. I’m just screwing everything up.”

“Nonsense love,” he denied, shaking his head. “I want you to feel like you can come here any time you like.”

She looked up at him hopefully. “You’re not angry with me then?”

William knew she wasn’t talking about the scene with her mother, but about their earlier kiss and the fact that she’d called him Spike.

“No,” he replied. “Look I’m sorry about before. I know this is harder on you than anyone. I want to be there for you any way I can.”

Buffy smiled in relief. “Thank you. It’s nice to know I have a friend.” She reached out to hug him and was grateful when he returned her embrace.

“Always,” he murmured low into her ear.

Pulling away Buffy said good night and followed her mother out the door.





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