They all died in the fire I started.
The words should have meant nothing to him. They meant everything to him.
So she... Spike’s mind even stammered at the thought. She started the fire that killed her entire family and left her here. In a dark, black world with her abusive grandpa. She was only, what, five? It couldn’t have been her fault...
But the way she said it, the way she went about telling him, the pain in her eyes, screamed otherwise. She thinks it was her fault.
Spike’s mind started to race. Everything started to make sense. The torturing, the stupid boyfriends, her mask – everything she’d done in her life had been after that event. Everything was probably because of that event. Everything she would do in the future would be because of that event.
That event.
They all died in the fire I started.
He truly didn’t know what to do. Spike felt a boatload of sympathy for Buffy, for the person he loathed, the person he hated to love. He just wanted to deliver her from evil now like some gallant white knight. He wanted to stop hating her. But I can’t...
Spike thought hard about that. His workouts had been fueled completely by his rage for Buffy, and he felt that they were helping his anguish slightly. Every time he pumped iron, he did it because of his past. The past that Buffy blackened. I can’t just forget everything. Not because of this... can I?
If Spike was sure about one thing, he knew he couldn’t take advantage of her now. Or have her take advantage of me...
He took off his leather jacket. He was already unusually hot, and he knew it was only going to get hotter.
Buffy reentered the room, water bottle in hand. She took a nice long gulp of it. The way she held it to her lips, slowly pouring the water in her mouth, with her neck so delectably... Spike twitched a little, the image of Buffy drinking water too satisfying for him. Bloody hell! How can she just do that?
Buffy grinned as she sat down on her chair, obviously picking up on Spike’s dilemma. “Still don’t wanna?”
Spike thought hard about that. He was thinking hard about a lot of things. She... here... and us... and her.
“No.”
Buffy’s grin immediately turned upside down. “Is it because of Faith?”
Now this caught Spike off guard. Faith? What the hell? “Huh?”
“Faith,” Buffy stated in a tone too clear, almost like she was annoyed. “The girl that was hanging all over you at lunch.”
Spike had to chuckle a little. She’s jealous of Faith?
“You don’t have to worry about Faith, Buffy...” But he wasn’t all that sure if he believed that. No one could trust Faith, really. “Just like I probably don’t have to worry about Riley.”
“Is it because of me?” Insecurity seeped through Buffy’s voice.
“No...”
“You don’t want me?”
“God, Buffy. Of course I want you,” Spike blurted out too quickly to hold back. Good going, William. “Can’t you see I’m in a bloody bind?”
“Well there’s me...” Buffy cooed as she moved from her chair to his lap.
“And then there’s you...” She whispered as she started to touch his lips with her fingers.
At first, Spike openly embraced her touch. It was more than electric, it was heavenly. In this moment Spike was in heaven. And he had to stop it.
“Buffy, no. Stop.” He pushed Buffy off of him. “It’s just all too much right now. I need some time.”
“What’s too much?” Buffy was starting to get a little mad as she slid off of his lap. “My screwed up life? So my family died in a fire and my grandpa isn’t exactly legit. Just forget about it. Act like before, when you didn’t know. I don’t want your pity, Spike.”
But you’re getting it, or else we would be on the floor right now. “You won’t get any, Buffy. But what you did to me...”
She sighed. “Spike, I might have blackened your life a little. But look at my life. Completely black. Hell, I bet they’ve made bleak and dark songs about my life. I don’t have any light at the end of the tunnel. I’m stuck as the train comes and bulldozes me over.”
Spike winced at the imagery. She’s right. He could only respond to one thing.
“You didn’t blacken my life just a little, Buffy,” Spike bit bitterly. “Life at school was living hell. The things you guys did to me... it makes me want to make life living hell for you... and I don’t think I can ever get over it.”
Buffy didn’t fluff it off as something small like before. Amazingly, she understood. “I know, Spike. Is there any way you can get over it enough so you can turn a blind eye? At least temporarily? I’m not talking complete forgiveness... or maybe forgiveness really at all... but just enough forgiveness so we can actually do something without the past destroying it before it starts. Possibly pry off some of Parker’s fingernails or something? Would that help?”
Spike chuckled at Buffy’s cavalier behavior towards her supposed friend. “That’s a good idea. But no... I have something a little more classic in mind.”
Buffy was eagerly awaiting an explanation of the punishment when Spike didn’t continue. She gave him her best ‘well...’ face.
Spike decided on suggestiveness. He couldn’t hold a secret when Buffy was staring at him like that. Or when she was in the room, really. “You like paint, pet?”
Buffy’s eyes lit up. It could have been the paint or it could have been the pet name; Spike didn’t know. “You’re going to splatter paint on me?”
Spike nodded. “And the entire cheerleader squad and football team. At the assembly in front of the entire school tomorrow. My way of getting a little back.”
His eyes narrowed. “Of course, if I was really trying to make life living hell for you, I probably shouldn’t have said that...”
“It’s okay,” Buffy nodded with a giggle as she relaxed in her chair. “I’ll take it like a man. I’m sure it will take days to get that icky stuff out of my hair.”
Spike gulped. Well I don’t wanna soddin’ ruin her gorgeous hair.
“Worst, cruelest, most malicious punishment in the world,” she finished with a sarcasm and playfulness that turned Spike on even more. “But if it rectifies everything enough...”
Spike really wanted to bring up what he saw. The paper. The words. The big words. He wanted to explain to her that that’s really what gave him sympathy for her. Sympathy she doesn’t even want. He knew that it would probably make her mad. Very mad. He looked on her paper and discovered her darkest little secret that no one else probably knew. She was so steadfast in the no sympathy clause, Spike was sure things would be completely ruined if he brought it up.
He still tried to bring up the subject, but the words didn’t make it to his mouth from his brain. And even if they did, his tongue definitely wasn’t going to say anything, because his tongue only wanted one thing right now. And it had something to do with French. “So you changed clothes and showered for me?”
He pointed to her clothes and hair curiously. Buffy stifled a giggle.
“No... I had my driving test after school...” She stated this glumly, obviously meaning she didn’t do so well.
Spike tried to finish for her. “You didn’t pass?”
“No, that’s the problem,” Buffy continued, looking down. “I did.”
Now it was Spike’s turn to giggle. “What, afraid you’ll have to go on a few drug runs for ‘gramps?”
When Buffy didn’t respond, Spike quickly stopped laughing.
“So he really does...”
“Yeah. He traffics.” Buffy was matter-of-factly about it, like they were talking about the weather, which irked Spike to the bone. “Has his whole life. And now that I have my license, I finally have no reason not to help him...”
Spike shook his head quickly. “Just don’t help him, Buffy. Just run away or something.”
She looked almost disgusted by his answer. “Run away? Spike, I have nothing. I am nothing. I couldn’t start a life on my own...”
Gramps really has done a number on her. “Buffy... don’t say that...”
“But it’s true, Spike,” Buffy replied harshly. “I won’t get anywhere in life, either. Not like I have the money or the grades for college...”
“You could try the SATs.” Spike was just trying to help. “Bloody stupid colleges base all their decisions on some stupid aptitude test that measures how well you can add backwards...”
“I know about the SATs, Spike,” she retorted. “It’s just that...”
“You’re taking the SAT Saturday,” Spike insisted in an authoritative tone. “No one ever takes it at school, so you can get in on standby.”
Buffy looked like she was about to resist.
“No, Buffy,” Spike wasn’t going to relent. He hated her, but he didn’t want her to just give up. It should be a struggle, if anything. “I’m not gonna let you throw your life away. We have to see if, when you take off that bloody glued and plastered and stuccoed mask, what you really have in you.”
Buffy started to speak again when Spike stopped her. “Buffy... you’ve got a lot of potential. But it’s like you’re chained to the soddin’ floor. I’ve seen just a little of your oppressed sparks of genius... and they blow me away.”
This time Buffy couldn’t say anything. She was too moved by Spike’s empathy and care. Neither of which she wanted to have if it was because of...
“You’re not doing this because of my life...” she trailed. “Are you, Spike?”
Yes! Of course I bleedin’ am! You think you killed your family, for Chrissakes!
“No; so you’re life’s a little fucked up, mine isn’t much better.” He didn’t dare bring up what he was thinking, fearing the worst.
Buffy macerated the situation as best she could, but even she, who was a half hour ago hellbent on lust, was having trouble.
“See?” Spike had finally found a way to stop her lustful and desperately wanted come ons. I don’t want them he tried to assure himself. Yeah, I don’t bleedin’ want them. “Told you I don’t wanna tonight. Too much shit going on.”
Buffy pondered that for a second. “This will have to do, then, I guess.”
And Buffy slowly leaned in from her chair. Spike knew what she was going to do. He knew that he shouldn’t do it, either. Or submit to it, even. Because one thing would lead to the next, and soon they’d both be on the floor screaming in pleasure. But he wanted it. He wanted it more than anything in the world. To touch her heavenly lips with his rough, coarse ones. To have his tongue explore her mouth and discover her surreal taste. Just one bloody kiss.
And so he let her kiss him. They didn’t use any tongue; it was a nice, innocent, and electric kiss. If either party was doubtful about the obvious vibe and connection, it was lost forever in the kiss, like a ship sunk in the middle of the Bermuda Triangle.
“Buffy... that was...”
“...really, really good...” she finished for him.
Oh, screw it. Screw everything. Hate to love her, love to hate her. “Thank you, may I have another?”
Buffy giggled at his carefree phrase. “Mm hmm...”
She leaned in for another kiss. This time Spike leaned in a little, too, eagerly awaiting the otherworldly experience that was to come.
“Buffy! Dinner in five minutes! Set the table!”
It was gramps. Dinner was almost ready. Buffy and Spike both quickly went back to position on their chairs two feet away from each other. They were like two boxers on opposite sides of the ring.
“Did I ever tell you that I hate your grandpa? And why is he being so nice all of a sudden with soddin’ dinner an’ all? Doesn’t seem like the type to make something that doesn’t make you high.”
Buffy giggled. “He probably thinks you’re from child services or something. And if he loses me, he loses the whole cagey background thing he has going.”
Spike smirked. “Well, I guess I better leave...”
“Yeah, I guess so.” Buffy looked crushed.
Spike scratched the back of his head as they both headed downstairs. “Didn’t get much tutoring done, though...”
Buffy laughed. “Nope, we sure didn’t. Always can later, I guess.”
“Yeah...”
Spike put his leather jacket back on as Buffy opened the front door. He awkwardly nodded goodbye to her with a small sly smile and started the walk to his car.
Buffy called for him. “Spike...”
Spike looked back, the night sky further intensifying his bleached hair. “Yeah, Buffy?”
She gazed straight at him with a blank expression. “This doesn’t change anything, does it?”
Spike took a few heartbeats to find the right answer. “No, Buffy,” he replied as he looked down, avoiding her gaze. Does it change anything? “Not a thing.”
A smile formed from her lips. It was clearly a fake smile, but Spike didn’t catch it.
“Good,” she emitted softly.
Spike grinned wickedly at her. Guess she’s a-okay with things being the same as before. He turned back around and walked to his car.
Buffy watched his figure recede to the black car before she closed the door. Her smile quickly faded as she leaned against the door for support.
“Good...”
This is really, really confusing. No one knows what they want or if they can even get it. People are hiding secrets and their true feelings. And, of course, school is always there just to make life even more miserable. If anybody’s still reading this, please check your pulse and say hi and tell me how you think everything's progressing. And Merry Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Saturnalia, etc. to everyone!