Chapter 10: Hidden
Buffy had gone home that night, like she had told Spike. They agreed on talking things over the next day, giving them time to sleep on it. But it would have to wait until the later in the night, due to the fact that Spike had to go out in the morning around 11:30-ish to meet with the guys to talk about the band, practice and go over some new songs. She didn’t understand why they would want to meet so early, but she left it alone. Also, that gave her a chance to figure out some things.
She woke out of bed and started her regular routine. She turned her bedroom upside down looking for the shirt she desired to wear that day. It was Spike’s favorite, and she wanted to look her best when he came home.
It was a short, quarter sleeve, light pink; button up shirt that was tied in a knot by the tails in the front. It hung about an inch under her breasts and clung to them perfectly.
She huffed angrily when she couldn’t find it, and searched her mom’s room as well. When she couldn’t find it in there, she thought long and hard about the last time she wore it.
One Week Ago
Buffy lay down on Spike’s bed, cuddling into the soft comforter.
“Ugh…this knot is pissing me off.” Buffy adjusted the top, to her comfort.
“Here, pet.” He threw her one of his soccer jerseys from his team in England. “You can wear this…I’m sure you’d look damn edible in it.” He smirked.
Buffy ducked under the covers and changed into the jersey, taking her uncomfortable jeans off as well. She threw both at him as she popped her head back up.
Spike just looked at the clothes then at her then at the clothes again. She was wearing nothing but his jersey and her underwear, which, knowing her wasn’t much.
He tossed her clothes on the chair, and got under the covers with her, cradling her in his arms.
* * * * *
She shook away the soothing feeling she had at that memory. She had gotten the jeans the other day, but totally forgot about the shirt.
She walked into his room, looking around for any signs of pink. She checked everywhere around the chair, but nothing.
He must have put it in one of his drawers by accident. She thought, as she walked over to his dresser. She rummaged through his clothes in the top right drawer. Nothing. She moved to the top left drawer, she found it tucked in there, and smiled. She pulled it out, and frowned at what she saw underneath it.
* * * * *
By the time Spike got back it was around 9 o’clock. He spent most of that time walking around aimlessly trying to figure out what he was going to say to Buffy. He went to their special spot and sat under the tree, looking at the carved words on the bark. Spike walked in the door, with a sigh. “Buffy?” he called out noticing the dead quiet. He walked in the kitchen and saw her with her back to him, sitting at the island with a brown paper bag in front of her. Her hair was down and disheveled. He frowned and walked up behind her.
“Buffy…what’s wrong?” she turned around when she felt his hand on her shoulder.
Tears had stained her cheeks, and her eyes were puffy and red. “What’s wrong?” she asked incredulously. She turned back around and dumped the bag’s contents onto the counter. Five small, transparent orange bottles revealed themselves.
“Oh God.” Spike whispered to himself.
“When were you going to tell me, William? Huh…when you couldn’t hide it anymore?” Buffy’s anger was getting the best of her. “Where were you really? And don’t you dare say ‘out’.” she asked through gritted teeth.
“Dr. Lawson’s.” he hung his head, ashamed.
“How long?” Buffy’s eyes were glazing over with tears.
“About five years now.”
A sob broke through her lips. “Five years?!” she paused, the her eyes widened with realization. “That’s why you didn’t come back when you were suppose to, isn’t it? Because you were sick. I can’t believe this is happening. I-I just don’t-I don’t understand how-” she took a minute to breathe, giving him the chance to talk.
“The whole reason I went to England was because of my Grams being sick. She had cancer.” He paused letting Buffy absorb it all. “I have stomach cancer, Buffy. I came back to see you one more time.”
“No. No! Don’t even say that! How in the hell can you be so calm about this? I’m freaking out!” Buffy panicked.
Spike ignored her and continued. “My dad also wanted me to come here to get better medical care. I wasn’t getting the best treatment in England.”
“Will you stop? Stop acting like this is just the common flu! William, you’re dying!” she yelled as she cried. “Stop covering up your feelings with this brick wall you’ve set up…stop acting like this is nothing and tell me what you really feel!”
“I’m scared, alright!” he yelled back, his voice wavering. “I’m terrified! I’m terrified of not bein able to see you or my dad…or not going to university! I’m scared of not being able to get old and gray, sitting on a porch with you and our 10 cats! I’m afraid that I’ll never again see the face that makes my day brighter…” he raised his hand to cup her cheek, wiping away her tears.
Buffy sobbed harder at this. Buffy grabbed his hand and placed it on her heart. “I’m not leaving you. I’m not going anywhere, okay.” She paused then continued in a firmer voice. “And we’re going to get through this together…I promise you. You’re going to university, and we’ll get old and we’ll have our 10 cats. I love you…and I’m not letting you go anywhere.” She pulled him into a hug, and held him tightly as they both cried.
They held each other for some time. “Is this why you broke up with me…?” Buffy asked, her head against his chest.
“Yes. Because I thought it would be easier for both of us to deal with, when you found out. It would be easier if you hated me.” Spike clung to her, desperate to have her close to him.
“William…” she paused for a dramatic effect. “That is the stupidest reason to break up with someone.” She replied calmly with a small laugh.
Spike laughed at this also. She was right it was stupid. This was a time he needed her to love him, and care for him…be there when things got bad. “I know…now that I think about it, it was pretty silly.”
“Yeah.” They pulled away to look at each other, and Buffy wiped the tears from his eyes. “But you know, no matter what, you’d never be able to keep me away. You’re my best friend, my boyfriend, my everything, and I know this sounds cheesy but…without you, I wouldn’t be me. I’d be a shell of a Buffy.” Buffy gave him a soft and slow kiss, and when she pulled away, she ran her fingers over his pouty lips.
“I know exactly how you feel.” Spike responded in a breathless whisper. “I’m so sorry Buffy…I should have told you-”
“No, no-shh…it’s not you’re fault.” Buffy whispered softly, as she held Spike’s head his her hands, looking him straight in the eyes. “I understand, baby, I do. You just didn’t want me to worry, and I get that…and I’m not. Because I know you’re going to make it.”
Spike leaned into her hand, and closed his eyes. “Buffy, I’m so scared. I don’t want to die…there’s so much I haven’t seen yet, so much I want to do…”
Buffy grabbed his hand, and pulled him up from his chair. “Come on. I want to show you something.” Buffy pulled him out the back door, and to the grassy yard.
She lay down and looked up at the dark night sky, waiting for him to do the same. One he did, she grabbed his hand again and squeezed it.
“Have you ever just…looked up at the stars and got lost in them? Just total forget about every bad thing going on in your life, and situate yourself in another world?” Buffy asked rhetorically. “Use to do this all the time after my dad left. Made it easier. It was better than staying inside and listening to my mom cry.” She stopped and sighed. “So, what did you do in England?”
“Not much really…I went out every once in a while. But I mostly kept my distance from people…I never wanted to get too attached. The only people I hung around with was the guys in the band, soccer team, but that was pretty much it.”
“And the girls you said that-”
“Nope.”
“So you never-”
“Nope.”
“Oh.”
“Mmhm.”
Buffy rolled onto her side, and propped her head on her palm. “Spike…you said there were things that you would like to do…let’s do them.” Buffy had a huge smile on her face.
“What are you talking about, luv?” Spike looked over at her, confusion clearly etched on his face.
“What was one of the things you wanted to do? One thing that you wanted to experience.” Buffy eyes were wide with anticipation.
Spike sighed, and looked back up at the stars. “Life. All of it. I just want to find my place in this world…before I have to leave it.” The lump growing in his throat strained Spike’s voice.
Buffy pursed her lips together, holding herself back from crying. She needed to be strong for him. She needed to believe that everything was going to be okay. She cuddled up to his side, and snaked her arms around his waist. Spike responded to her by resting his cheek on the top of her head, and pulling her closer into his arms.
* * * * *
Joyce had gotten home late from work that night, due to the gallery having great business lately. She walked through the door, noticing how quiet it was.
Way too early for them to going to bed…and they would have called me if they were going out. She walked into the kitchen, and found the medication on the island.
“Oh God. Buffy knows.” She said out loud to herself.
Spike had told Joyce before he came about him being sick. But he made her promise not to tell Buffy, yet. After a lot of convincing, she agreed reluctantly. He told her he didn’t want this trip to be a gloomy one, and most of all he didn’t want Buffy feeling sorry for him…he didn’t want to see the ‘My-best-friend’s-dying-of-cancer-Buffy’, he wanted to see the ‘Happy-go-lucky-best-friend-Buffy’.
“Buffy…honey are you in here? Spike?” she called out to the empty house. She sighed, and went to the back to go throw out the garbage.
When she walked out on the back porch, she saw the blonde couple cuddled up together under the stars. She titled her head to the side, and smiled. They were sleeping. She thought it would be a good idea to wake them up before the sprinklers came on, but that would be a big enough wake up call. She put the garbage bag outside and walked back into the house with a warm smile.
* * * * *
Spike woke up to the feel of water hitting his face, lightly. He opened his eyes, and saw the sun slowly start to rise. His eyes went wide with amazement, as he sat up.
“Buffy…luv. Wake up. Look at this.” She lightly shook her awake.
“Mmm, five more minutes.” She mumbled, snuggling into his side.
“Pet, the sun’s coming up…it’s breathtaking!” he said with bright smile.
Buffy awakened, and sat up, looking at it with a sleepy smile. “Wow…it’s beautiful.” She said quietly, taking in the pinks, purples and oranges in the sky’s horizon.
“I’ve never watched the sun come up before…all those colors-In England it’s usually gloomy and dark.” Spike stopped and looked around at the sprinklers that were ticking past, lightly spraying them with the cool water. “We better head inside, yeah?” he said looking over at Buffy.
“Yeah, sounds good.” Spike got up and held out a hand to her. She accepted, and stood brushing off the grass from her pants.
Spike looked at her, smiled then picked her up, holding her like a baby in his arms.
Buffy let out a small yelp, and then giggled. “Spike, put me down. I don’t want you over-exerting yourself right now.” She said seriously as Spike walked over to the porch.
Once Spike got to the porch he put her down. “Buffy…don’t treat me like a cancer patient. Treat me like you would if was never sick.” He raised his brows waiting for her to answer.
“But, you are…” she looked at his chest and fixed the lapels on his jacket trying to distract herself. “…and I don’t want to make things worse-”
“You’ll make it worse if you keep treating me like this. I’m fine right now, okay? So let’s just keep doin what we’re doin, alright?”
“Okay.” Buffy’s voice was near inaudible. She looked up at him, and smiled. “I love you.”
“I love you.” Spike ran his hand through her hair lovingly. “Now let’s get inside before we catch a cold, alright luv.”
They both walked inside and up the stairs to her room. Buffy passed him his baggy sweatpants that her mom had put in her room after she did the laundry, and she changed out of her wet clothes and changed into her shorts and tank top. Once they were both changed into dry clothes, they absentmindedly got on either side of the bed, and pulled the covers back, and lay down.
Buffy immediately cuddled up to him, lacing her legs with his. Spike gave her a kiss before they fell into a deep and sweet slumber.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Well I'm finally out of the white room. And all I have to show for it is a medical band, a throbbing brain, and my drawings of my new ghosty friends!!! :D