Chapter 9: This Dance
The next few weeks were pure bliss. Spike and Buffy were inseparable, and the relationship was really starting to get serious. There was not a moment where they weren’t kissing each other, or at the least touching.
Although there was major sexual tension between the two, they hadn’t consummated the relationship yet. They both decided that if they wanted this relationship bad enough, they’d wait.
The two had settled on the couch watching a TV movie called ‘Chance’. Buffy’s head rested in his lap as he ran his hand soothingly through her hair, a blanket draped over them.
During commercial Spike, felt a slight pain in his stomach, and winced. Buffy looked up at him with concern in her eyes.
“It’s nothing, pet. Just uh…guess I pigged out a little too much.” He nodded his head towards the table, and the empty bowl that used to have sugary snacks filled with a heap. Buffy smiled knowingly.
“Yeah tell me about it. I got major belly rumblies.” She rubbed Spike’s thigh soothingly.
“Um…I’ll be right back, luv. Gotta go to the loo.” Spike stood up and kissed Buffy on the forehead.
“You Englishmen and your unusual English terms.” As he walked off, she gave him a smack on the ass. When he turned around, he looked at her with a raised brow. She stuck her tongue and he then headed for the stairs.
Spike stood in the bathroom staring at him self in the mirror. He was pale, and faintly dark around the eyes. He rested his palms on the cold counter, leaning over and looking down into the sink.
The pain in his stomach wasn’t going away, but that was a given. He started coughing hard, his face going red, and a large vein popping out of his neck.
His coughing stopped, and he spit into the sink. He noticed the dark red fluid going down the drain. He ran the tap, and wiped a damp towel over his face.
Taking a breath he went downstairs. This is going to be hard…really hard. But I can’t do it yet.
He walked into the living room to see the show had started already, and Buffy seemed pretty into it. He sat on the couch, and pulled Buffy into his embrace. The sat that way, not even paying attention to the movie anymore. She laid her head on his chest, and inhaled his scent. The soft fragrance of his cologne…the fruity smell of his shampoo…and the aroma that could only be described as Spike. The scent that she remembered from when they were kids and thought of, every time she heard his name.
“I love you.” Buffy stated softly, her heart winning over her brain.
Spike knew then, that he loved her too…and not just as a friend. He squeezed his eyes shut, both happy and disappointed that she had said those three words. Spike held her closer to him, kissing the top of her head lovingly.
Buffy closed her eyes, with a smile on her face. She didn’t care that he didn’t say it back…he didn’t have to, because she knew that he did…and if he didn’t, he would. She just wanted him to know how she felt. She knew that Spike wouldn’t freak out about it like other guys might have…he understood her, and would hopefully get why she had to tell him.
The two fell into a light nap for a while, feeling too warm and comforted to stay awake.
* * * * *
When they had woken up, it was around 2 in the afternoon. Buffy went upstairs to take a shower, while Spike sat at the dining room table thinking things over in his head. For the last couple of days, Spike hadn’t been sleeping well because of this…and sleep was something he could really use right now.
Buffy skipped down the stairs merrily, in a pair of yoga material caprees, and a black tank top to match.
“Hey…Whatcha doin’ sittin in here? Manchester’s playing.” Buffy had finally gotten into soccer, and she began to like it just as much as he did.
“Buffy sit down.” His hands were intertwined together in front of him, looking down at them nervously.
“What is it, baby?” she placed a tiny hand over his.
God, is she trying to make this harder for me? I love it when she calls me that.
Spike didn’t say anything, concentrating too hard on what he was going to say…to say it.
Buffy looked into his eyes a noticed he was a little spaced. “Spike, whatever it is…you know you can tell me.” Her voice was full of sincerity.
Spike’s head shot up and he looked her straight in the eye and responded without hesitation. “I love you.” What he got back was a sweet smile.
Buffy ran her fingers through his hair, and then cupped his cheek. “I know…I love you too.” She continued to look at him and noticed that something seemed to still bug him. “But there’s something else you aren’t telling me…what is it?”
“We can’t do this.” He looked down, not wanting to see her reaction. That would have made this harder.
“What?” she asked in a breathy whisper. She pulled her hand away like she had been burned…which she had. “What are you trying to say, Spike?” tears were threatening to spill over.
Spike looked up at her finally, and gave her a look that pretty much told her everything. He saw the tears in her eyes and immediately wanted to take it all back. But he couldn’t.
Buffy’s voice wavered as she spoke. Her eyes were closed not wanting to let the tears fall. “A-are you…are you trying to say…it’s over?” she opened her eyes, to look at him with hurt and pained eyes.
He didn’t respond, but hung his head. “You t-tell me you love me…then you just-do this?” she shook her head with confusion.
Spike looked up and grabbed her hand. “It’s because I love you that I’m doing this. Buffy, if we stay together, and something happens between us…not only do we ruin our relationship, but our friendship as well. And I don’t want to lose that.”
Buffy yanked her hand out of his, and then stood up and looked down at him, with a mixture of frustration, hurt and resentment written on her face. “Well, you just did.” Her voice was low and filled with venom, bitter with anger.
She walked out of the room, and out the front door, closing it with a slam that rattled the pictures on the wall.
Spike dropped his head onto the table and cried. That was the hardest thing he ever had to do. God he wished he didn’t have to, and that he could just go after her, tell her that he loved her and that he would rather have a relationship with her than anything in the world…but it just couldn’t go that way. And he knew it. He would have to tell her about what had happened in England sooner or later, but he figured now wouldn’t be a good time…her wanting nothing more to do with him and all.
* * * * *
Buffy walked down the street aimlessly. She wrapped her arms around her hugging herself, feeling a sharp chill…even though it was mid-summer. She didn’t care if the tears fell anymore, that hurt more than she ever thought it would.
It’s over. Spike and I are over. How could he do this to me? She continued walking until she reached their spot by the willow tree. She didn’t even know she was headed in that direction until she walked under the drooping branches. Part of her thought that maybe if she did, he would show up, or already be there waiting for her…like she had always hoped. Why is this so hard…why does it hurt so much?
“Duh, you blonde, because you love him.” She scoffed at herself and sat down, leaning her back against the trunk. She dropped her head between her legs, and tried to grasp exactly what had happened. He did have a point though…but she didn’t want him to leave her…she needed him, more than she could even say. And she thought he needed her just as bad.
* * * * *
Spike had just spent the last half hour spilling his breakfast and lunch into the toilet. The whole ordeal was making him sick. He stood, flushed the toilet and walked over to the counter. He reached into the cabinet and took out the mouthwash, and rinsed out his mouth.
He stared at himself in the mirror. His face looked pasty, and shimmering with sweat from the exhaust.
It had been two days since their break up. Buffy had told her mom that she would be staying at Willow’s for a while, and not to worry. Joyce wasn’t the one that was worried…although she had no clue what had happened two days earlier. Spike still lived there, but he was so quiet it was almost like he wasn’t. He spent most of those two days up in his room making himself sicker by the hour, thinking about how badly he wanted her back. He barely ate and rarely spoke. The last 48 hours felt like an eternity.
He had called Willow’s house countless times, but she kept telling him that Buffy didn’t want to talk to him right now. The fact that she refused to talk to him burned a colossal hole in his heart.
* * * * *
Later that night, Spike decided to take a refreshing walk down in the promenade to clear his mind.
He shoved his hands in his front pockets of his jeans, and looked at all the people that were coupled up, coming out of the movie theatre. He sat on a nearby bench, running his hand through his already disheveled locks.
He looked around at the people that walked by, until his eye caught the petite blonde on the opposite sidewalk. He jumped up and ran through the little group of teens that crossed his path.
“Buffy!” he shouted out, hoping to get her attention.
Buffy whipped around looking for the familiar voice that had called her.
“Buffy!” he called up once again, almost getting hit by a car as he crossed the street. When he finally stood in front of her, she just looked at him with an unreadable face.
“Hi…I’ve been trying to call-”
“I know.” She looked down at the ground, willing herself not to get lost in those deep eyes of his.
“Buffy, I’m sorry…if I could take it all back I would. Two days without you, and I feel like I’m dying! I love you.” he placed a hand over his heart, his voice strained with emotion.
Buffy’s head shot up, she noticed how sincere he was, and just wanted to forget everything that had happened over the last two days, and pick up where they left off.
But she had to show him that she wasn’t going to let him back in that easily. She had to prove that she was as stubborn as she always been.
“You can’t just declare your love for me, William, and expect me to come running back to you. You hurt me…a lot. You broke up with me! And you’re right…you’re so right. If something got screwed up in our relationship, we would lose our friendship. But you know what, Spike? We have to believe in us to not let anything get screwed up! And if it did, we would find a way to fix it…together!” Buffy was yelling at him through her tears.
Spike took a step closer closing the gap between them. “Buffy, luv. I’m so sorry, you have no idea how angry I am at myself for hurting you like that.” He took a cleansing breath, and continued in a softer tone. “I tried to take a step forward, but I took two steps backward.”
“And I’m going to take one step sideways so we can stop this little dance, okay?” she stepped around him and started walking down the sidewalk.
Spike looked after her and sighed. “Buffy, please.”
Buffy stopped and turned around. “Look, Spike…I’ll go home, but it doesn’t mean that-”
“I know.” He cut her off.
“Good.” She said with a nod. “Just…give me a while?” she said making him understand that the wound was still fresh.
“Of course.”
“I just need some time.” She hugged her arms around her body.
“Yeah.” He replied in a mere whisper. He gave her a small, tight smile, as he turned to walk away. His head was hung, and his hands in his pockets.
“Oh, and William.” She called after him, and then waited until he turned around to continue. “I love you, too.” She smiled, and walked back to Willow’s to pick up her things…she missed the bright smile that lit up William’s face.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
I'm still in the white room. It truly sucks ASS! i get these mind-crushing shocks sent to my brain everytime i speak of the characters from Joss' tv shows. haha It's funny, the shocks are like the ones Spike-AAAHHH! God Damnit! *sigh* wow...this is going to get boring very quick.