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Author's Chapter Notes:
Same as Chapte 1
Chapter 3-

Spike had entered his crypt, slamming the door hard, almost ripping it off the hinges. He was to pissed or hurt to care. He made his way to his fridge, pulled out a bottle of whiskey, ripped the lid off, and took a quick swig of the amber liquid. It was beginning to calm his frayed nerves, but he was still on edge.

Sighing, Spike sat on his tattered chair, dust flew out around him, and he took another quick drink of the whisky and suddenly realized what he could have done to her, if he hadn’t walked away.

“Oh, bloody, hell.” He stood up, pained expression written all over his face. “I could have…Oh, god, I could have…raped her.” The bottle slipped out of his fingers and crashed to the floor. “She’s right, I am a monster.”

Images of what could have happened, flooded his mind. Spike straddling Buffy at the waist, holding her hands with his left arm, while groping her breast with the other, all the while struggling beneath him.

“Oh god,” Spike said in a horsed whisper. He closed his eyes, shaking his head of the thoughts. “No! I couldn’t have done that…would I have done that?”

Spike was to lost in thought to hear Clem entering the crypt. He glanced at the door hanging from the hinges and stumbled down the steps looking, almost dropping the bucket of chicken in his hands. “Whoah! What happened here?” Clem whispered and then glanced at Spike. “Knock, knock?”

Spike opened his eyes slowly.

“You, ok?”

“What are you doing here?” Spike broke up.

“I was, uh, just in the neighborhood, so I thought you know…” Clem held up of the bucket of chicken, and slowly set the bucket on the chair next to the vampire. “You ok? You’re not lookin’ so good, Spike.”

The vampire frowned, but did not respond.

“Well, I’m here if ya need me, until then there’s a Nightrider marathon on TV, so uh, I got hot wings too.” Clem picked up the bucket of chicken and popped down on the chair and switched on the TV.

“Why didn’t she tell me?” Spike asked, hurt evident in his voice.

Clem turned down to the TV, “Who didn’t what?” He was confused. Spike shook her head dismissively. “Oooh, the slayer. Huh? Gosh.” The demon nodded. They‘d been through this conversations many, many times before. “She break up with you again?”

“We were never together, not really.” There was sadness in Spike’s voice and Clem felt guilty for not being a better friend. “She’d never lower herself that far.” Spike’s last comment came out a little to sarcastically.

“She’s a sweet girl, Spike,” Clem looked up at the blonde vampire, “but hey…Whew…Issues.” He wanted to help his friend out, but not with the romantic stuff, he was never good at that sort of thing.

Spike gave his good friend a sarcastic laugh. He knew Clem was right. Buffy did have her issues.

“And no wonder, with the whole thing coming back from the grave and what not…Hey, I had this cousin, who got resurrected by some kooky shaman…”Clem chuckled. “Whooo-boy! What a mess.”

Raising his scared eyebrow, Spike said, “Not helping, Clem.” Spike sighed. “Why do I feel this way?” He asked desperately.

Clem shrugged. He didn’t know, but said the first thing that came to mind, “Love’s a funny thing. You can’t help who you fall in love with, Spike, whether you‘re a vampire or she the slayer. The fates have a funny sense of human, they do.”

“Is that what this is?” Spike asked, tone unsure. Clem looked just as uncertain as Spike felt. Clem had always known that Spike was a little different. “Why doesn’t she love me back then?”

“Spike,” Clem stood up. “I wish I could answer that for you. Just give her time, she’ll come around.”

The vampire sighed dejectedly. “She’s never gonna bloody come around.”

“Don’t say that, Spike.” Clem tried to comfort the vampire, but he was to stubborn for his own good. “Spike, when she’s ready, she’ll come around. I’m sure of it.”

Shaking his head no, Spike knew that Buffy would never admit her true feelings because then that would mean she loved an evil soulless creature such as himself. That’s it, this bloody chip has got to come out. I’ll show her what evil soulless demon I can really be! That’ll bloody well show her! “Save it Clem.” Spike said abruptly. “She’s never going to admit it.”

The vampire’s outburst startled Clem and he fell back into the chair, knocking the chicken on the floor. He shrugged, and placed them all back in the carton.

“You know, everything used to be so clear.” Spike jumped down to his bedroom chamber, Clem followed and watched as Spike packed everything he owned.

Where is he going? Clem wondered. “Where ya going?” He asked, but Spike ignored him.

“Everything used to be so clear…’till I met the bloody slayer… Slayer…Vampires…They don’t have relationships. A vampire kills the slayers, sucks them dry, and picks his teeth with her bones. It’s always been that way, Clem.” Spike looked up at his friend. “I’ve tasted the life of two slayers. But with Buffy…” He grimaced at the anguish it was causing him. “It isn’t supposed to be this way. I’m not supposed to fall in love with the slayer.” He packed up the last of his things. “It’s this bloody chip.” Spike pointed to his head, a few moments later. “Steel and wires and silicon.” He sighed. “It won’t let me be who I’m supposed to be. And I can’t be a man. I’m nothing.” He concluded quietly.

“Hey, come on, now. Don’t be so Mr. Negative. You know what’s just around the corner.” Clem shrugged. “Things may change. I have a feeling they will.” He only hoped that they would. He hated seeing Spike so sad.

”Yeah, they do.” Spike responded absently as he climbed the ladder to the top floor. “But I’m not waiting around.” He suddenly knew what he had to do.

“Hey wait,” Clem followed. “Where you going?” He looked at Spike helpless.

“I’m leaving this hellhole. It was good knowin’ ya mate. I’m not sure if I’ll be back.” Spike shook hands with Clem. “If the slayer comes looking for me, don’t tell her anything. I don’t want her to know that I’ve gone. Let her stew for awhile.”

“But…” Clem tried to stop Spike, but the vampire was already gone. Shrugging, Clem grabbed his hot wings, sat in the chair and turned the TV onto the Nightrider marathon. He knew that Spike needed to blow off a little steam. “He’ll be back.”

*****
Once everyone was a fast asleep, Buffy quietly slipped out of the house, and headed for Spike’s. Willow was right, Buffy had to tell Spike what she was feeling and to majorly apologize for her hurtful words.
When Buffy entered the crypt, she saw the door hanging off the hinges and thought the worst, but her fears calmed when she heard the TV blaring in the corner of the room.

“Spike?” She called, walking over to the corner, half expecting to see him sitting there watching reruns of Passions on Soap Net.

The floppy eared demon, woke up, then glanced at Buffy, who was standing before him and yelped in surprise. He jumped up, startled. The food he was munching on flew up in the air, and landed on his head and various parts on his body. “Suffering cats, Buffy, you startled me.” He was hoping that Spike would have changed his mind and returned, but he didn’t think he’d be that lucky. “I didn’t hear you come in. I guess I uh…feel asleep. What did you need.”

“Oh Clem, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you. I didn’t know you were here.”

“It’s, uh, it’s ok. You just,” Clem chucked in response, “snuck up on me is all.”

The slayer gave Clem a small apologetic smiled. “Oh, look what I did. I made you spill your snacks. I’m sorry.”

Clem shook his head no. “Nah, don’t worry about it.” He held up his arms to indicate the loose, floppy skin. “Like I need any more of this.” He joked, making situation a bit lighter. “Can I get you something. I was just about to mix up some Country time.”

“No, thank you.” Buffy smiled. “I’m actually looking for Spike. Do you know where he is?? I need to talk to him.”

Smiling, Clem thought, I knew she’d come to tell him. Damn it Spike. You should have just waited. The smile disappeared. “No, I don’t know where he is.” He hated lying to the slayer like this, especially when she deserved to know Spike had left town.

“Oh,” Buffy said sadly, knowing that Spike had made good on his word. With a weary sigh, she realized, she’d probably never see him again--the man that she loved. Yes, love, I love Spike. Hey that doesn’t sound so bad. Maybe I should trying saying aloud sometime. “If you see him, please tell him to stop by my house.”

“I sure will. I’m house-sitting.” Clem said excited as he accidentally let it out that Spike was gone. “A pad like this,” He looked around, “would surely be taken over by someone else in a few days. Plus, I…” He pointed to the TV, “I don’t have a TV.”

Sometimes Clem had a knack for saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. Buffy had to get out there. This place, brought back too memories of those times with Spike, and she couldn’t bear to be there any longer.

“You sure I can’t get you anything?” Clem asked again, breaking her reverie.

“No, I’m fine. Thank you.” Buffy said, blinking back tears. “I’m just…going to go back home.”

“Oh ok. Bye!” Clem waved as Buffy retreated.

On her walk back to Revello Drive, Buffy thought back to earlier in the evening: how she could have done things differently, maybe if she’d said “it”, things would be differently. Dismally, Buffy sighed, heading inside when and closed the door behind her. It was the worst day of her life.

While at the edge of town, Spike sat on his motorcycle, looking back over his shoulder at Sunnydale. “Things are definitely gonna change.” Spike put his helmet on and rode off into the night.





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