[Reviews - 94]
-
Table of Contents [Report This]
Microsoft Word Chapter or Story | ePub eBook Chapter or Story | Printer Chapter or Story

Has been viewed 2465 times

- Text Size +




Author's Chapter Notes:
Oh My! Thank you so much for your reviews. It was wonderful to 'see' many old 'faces' and to read your words. You've all boosted my spirits 100%

Thank you Esther, Inara, rosie, Pin, Brenettepet, tis-kit, cordykitten, Victoria, and PhotographyNut. I really hope you continue to enjoy the story.~~ Megan
Chapter Five


“I can’t do this right now,” cried Willow miserably and she bolted up the stairs, leaving a stunned Tara and Buffy staring at nothing but thin air.

“I guess Willow doesn’t approve.” Buffy looked dejectedly at the only understanding friend she’d had in the long, desperate months that had made her Spike’s lover. Abstractedly she’d known that her friends weren’t going to go backwards in their attitude to Spike, and finding out she was dating him had catapulted her into an explosive situation she’d have preferred to avoid until at least her next death. Still, knowing and accepting were two different things. Tara’s belief in her—her total lack of judgment on who Buffy loved and why—had given the Slayer a false sense of security where this relationship was concerned. The girl had been ready to welcome Spike to the group, convinced that Buffy couldn’t possibly have a wild fling with an evil monster if she didn’t at least love him a little.

Tara was so much wiser than anyone gave her credit!

Buffy had never been the type of girl to just throw herself at a man for the pure experience of sex. There had always existed hope to get her through, and while Angel had almost obliterated that hope by turning into the most evil incarnation of himself, and Parker had shown her that she needed to be much more careful in her trust of men, and Riley had proven above all that passion did need to be an underlying element to a relationship, she’d never entered into a relationship believing it had nothing to flesh it out and make it more than sex.

Being with Spike hadn’t changed that trend; she’d just ignored the signs that told her she felt more.

“Willow’s conflicted right now,” Tara told her, crossing her arms and looking at Buffy nervously.

“You mean selfish, don’t you?” Buffy hated that resentment in her voice and was immediately sorry for letting her cattiness out to play when she witnessed another of Tara’s regular flinches. “I’m sorry.” She led Tara into the living room, herself just falling into the couch and hoping the cushions caught her. “I can’t help feeling a little like Willow feels this is her year for the big attention and she’s not handling it well that we aren’t all falling at her feet and begging her to make our lives better.”

Tara smiled that knowing, crooked half-smile and Buffy released some of her guilt. Tara wasn’t blind and she knew better than anyone how manipulative Willow had become. She was tentative in allowing the redhead back into her heart, cautious in stepping back to Willow’s side.

“She’s struggling. Power is a difficult thing to control when you aren’t used to having any, and…when you were gone…I think she had too much of it. Even G-Giles allowed her to organise everything. A-and without a slayer, all we had was the Buffybot and magic.”

Buffy looked at her newest best friend and squinted a little, trying to unravel the deeper message in the words. “So in other words, you’re saying that while everyone else grieved, Willow took control and now doesn’t want to give it back?”

Tara blushed, but she also shook her head and Buffy breathed deeply. She wasn’t being fair. She knew that, but the commotion Willow had caused at the Bronze after seeing the Slayer kiss another vampire had gone beyond the realms of acceptable. Buffy needed to act; she just didn’t know how.

When the blonde finally pulled herself out of her wallowing, it was to find Tara smiling brightly at her. It gave her some of the confidence back that she’d thought lost for good when Spike had been screamed at and punched by a witch out of control. It had been shocking and frightening and even now Buffy couldn’t believe it had really happened. But on the upside, she and Spike were now outed—and in the biggest surprise of all, Xander hadn’t said a thing. Her long-time male friend had looked at her nonplussed and then turned back to some internal debate he’d been involved in for the majority of the night.

But now Tara was smiling and Buffy couldn’t wipe away the answering grin that came with the relief that the biggest secret she’d ever carried was finally out in the open. And it felt good.

“So, congratulations,” Tara giggled, her eyes glittering playfully. “You are happy now, right? You look happy.”

“You mean I look less miserable,” Buffy teased.

“No,” Tara refuted softly. “I mean you look happy.”

Finally the tears came and Buffy collapsed into the comforting embrace of the one friend who’d truly known her pain. “I’m so scared, Tara. What if trusting him is the wrong thing to do? What if he really can’t stop being evil, even for love? What if I can’t ever love him?”

Her confidant of the past few months stared at Buffy so hard that the Slayer felt wounds opening up and weep. She knew what the gentle Wiccan was going to say and she knew that she didn’t really need the words. The moment had arrived where she was being forced out of her safety fallback position of denial.

“Is that what’s really upsetting you, Buffy?”

Being forced to face the real issue that was worrying her dragged up a boatload of pain and it slammed hard into Buffy and she gasped. It was too late to stop herself falling for Spike. Love was already spilling from her heart. But would she have to kill him one day? Dating Riley had been easy, because no matter what went wrong, no matter how much he hurt her with his actions or beliefs, she would never be faced with the necessity of killing him—because he was human. The Slayer didn’t kill humans.

Could she kill Spike?

It had seemed impossible: no matter how many chances he gave her before the chip, or how many times he’d pissed her off after it. The number of times he’d been there for her or her family, fighting by her side and taking a beating just for being near her had always been enough, more recently, for her to stay any final, brutal blow that would make him a problem to her psyche no longer.

But if he had to make her choose between him and the world, she had no doubts how it would go down. It was so easy. The balance depended not on love, but on the state of the heart—did it pound with life or was it lying still within the animated corpse that elicited the emotion from her?

Killing Angel had almost broken her, and back then they’d shared a too innocent, not-yet-matured kind of love. What she felt for Spike seemed so much beyond that—it seemed wise and old and powerful in its very existence. It was deeper love—it had had time to grow, learn, and mature, and it had caught her irrevocably and now held her in a place she had no desire to escape from.

A slow, relieved smile teased the corner of her lips and Buffy finally saw how very understanding Tara was. She saw things that could take others years to work out; all Buffy had to do was have faith. And why not, when everyone else had at one point or another? She pouted at that skank-inspired thought that flitted through her brain and then shut the door on that badness hopefully for good.

“You can’t predict what will happen in the future, Buffy. Maybe Spike isn’t the one that will fall short of your expectations. It’s possible you might fail him instead.” As Buffy raised a dubious eyebrow, “Or, you know, he could go evil again…” she suggested warily, and then rushed on with, “But I really don’t think so.”

The Slayer nodded her head. She understood the risks and still she believed in Spike. Or as much as she could given the circumstances. She didn’t think he would hurt any of them should his chip stop functioning, but that didn’t save the rest of the populace. She knew how hard it was to give something up you considered elemental to your existence. Like herself—if she had to give up chocolate for good it would be totally touch and go. Pretty much impossible, in fact.

“You know what?” Buffy waited for that raised brow of amused scepticism and then rushed in with her plan. “I’m not going to worry about it. Right now, I have to give it a chance. I mean, what if Giles and the Council are all wrong with the vampire psychology—or maybe Spike is just the one they could never pigeonhole, no matter how hard they might try? It’s not like he’s fit into any other mould that I’ve known of. Spike is Spike and maybe that’s enough for me to try.” Suddenly she felt terrified, the tears teasing her with their presence once again as she appealed to Tara. “Oh God, what if it’s wrong? What if this is all a giant mistake?”

Compelled to her feet, Buffy started pacing, her eyes large and shimmering like diamonds as Tara sat and watched the complexity that Buffy created in which to live her life.

“Buffy, everyone thinks that way when they first start a relationship. No one can know if it will be a mistake, and many women have been murdered by unlikely partners because of that inability to be psychic. Not that I think Spike will murder you. But what I’m saying is, relax. Breathe. Have fun and let Spike love you. And really, really love him. You never know, maybe this is your miracle.”

Tara smiled shyly and Buffy realised how undervalued the girl was in her circle of friends. She had so much to offer them than just as the girlfriend of one of the inner circle. On impulse, Buffy launched herself forward and hugged Tara tight. “No matter what happens between you and Willow, you know we’ll always be here for you too, right?”

Pulling back, she was reassured to see the grateful smile and the blonde witch’s nod. Then, just as quietly, she bid goodnight and left the house, pausing at the stairs for a brief concerned glance up the staircase before heading out into the night.

The silence of the house was welcome and for the first time, Buffy saw it as something other than the opposite of Hell. She’d only been comforted recently by the absence of noise when in contrast to the harsh, sanction obliterating noise that followed just about everyone everywhere.

Willow was disturbingly quiet upstairs and Buffy was hesitant to make her way up to bed. She didn’t want to pass her best friend in the hall, or walk into her when she left the bathroom. She wanted to ignore Willow and her irrational over-the-top response to Spike until she’d had some sleep to bolster her spirits.

She’d never expected her revelation to be received with hugs and well wishes, but truthfully, Willow was the last one she’d thought would wig. And to the extent she had? That was a shock that still had Buffy reeling.

That thought started bouncing around in her head again, despite Tara’s calm support. Was trying to date and have something deeper with Spike wrong? Was his love as dysfunctional as she’d accused all along? Or was he capable of strong emotion like he’d long pleaded with her to believe? Willow believed those and more, accusing Buffy of losing her mind when they’d resurrected her—of losing her perspective. Of letting evil dwell too keenly between her legs.

Self-respect had Buffy sitting up straighter, and as soon as she allowed it, courage flowed through her and made her strong. She’d made this decision to allow Spike to show her how he could love her, and she’d already lost her heart to him—even if he didn’t know it. It didn’t matter what Willow thought—or Giles, or Xander, or anyone else who wanted to jump in and give their two cent’s worth. Her life, her decision. She really wished they’d get that memo and get on with screwing up their own lives before they did hers any more damage than they had already.

As for Willow, so much for the solidarity they’d shared over Riley’s reappearance and exit. Friendship for Willow these days was all about being conditional, and Buffy didn’t have the energy for it right now. All of that was reserved for Spike.

As sleep beckoned her, Buffy curled up on her couch and allowed herself to drift back to earlier in the night when she’d been in Spike’s arms on the dance floor, feeling the solid support of his embrace as he held her and the magic of that soft kiss.

A smile spread over her lips as Buffy finally figured it out. She wasn’t wrong for giving this a chance. For the first time since she was brought back to life, she was doing something right.





You must login (register) to review.