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Chapter Eleven

“Riley?” Buffy bit back the “What are you doing here?” that wanted to fall out of her mouth. Instead, she settled for looking around and asking, “Where’s Mom?”

“She went to bed,” he said coldly, never taking his eyes off the vampire. “She got tired of waiting up for you.”

A light touch on the small of her back was Buffy’s only indication that Spike was still behind her. She felt the gentle pressure for a second and then he was gone, the door falling slowly shut behind him. She gasped and grabbed onto the counter for support as a jolt of pure emotional pain shot through her. Tears sprang to her eyes as she felt the misery flowing from the vampire to her.

“What’s wrong?” Riley asked when he noticed her drawn face and white knuckles. He moved toward her and frowned when she flinched away from him.

“N...nothing. Just a sudden cramp. I’m okay now,” she said, taking a deep breath and standing up straight. The gut wrenching pain that had gone through her when Spike left was gone, leaving a residual ache. She wondered what he’d done to make it stop hurting her.

“You don’t look particularly glad to see me,” her boy friend said suspiciously. “I thought I’d surprise you by coming home a couple of weeks early, but maybe that wasn’t such a good idea.”

Buffy gave a guilty start and moved closer to him, holding up her face for a kiss and allowing him to pick her up in an all enveloping hug. When he went to repeat their chaste “hello” kiss, Buffy turned her head just enough that his lips hit the side of her mouth and she kissed his cheek quickly before sliding down to the floor.

“No, no, it was a great idea. You just caught me by surprise, that’s all. I mean it is 2:00 in the morning, after all. I wasn’t expecting to find anyone sitting in the kitchen.”

“Except Spike,” he said flatly.

She squirmed mentally; then decided to go with as much truth as she could.

“Yes, except Spike. Look, Riley, I know you can’t see him as anything but an evil demon, but thanks to the Initiative he is completely harmless to humans and I think it’s...changing him.”

Buffy briefly remembered that Spike had saved Jake before he got the chip, but resolutely pushed the thought away. There was no way to explain about Jake to Riley without getting into areas that were definitely not any of his business.

(Well, technically, I guess my going out clubbing with Spike MIGHT be considered his business, but...)

“Vampires don’t change, Buffy. We’ve contained him, that’s all. If, when, the chip fails...”

“The chip could fail?” Buffy tried to keep the fear out of her voice, but couldn’t control the clenching of her stomach. She shoved the question of what exactly she was afraid of to the back of her brain and stared at Riley anxiously.

“Well, it IS a prototype, Buffy.” He looked at her suspiciously. “We don’t know how long it will last. He was never intended to leave the lab, you know.”

She shook her head and turned away from his probing look.

“Well, he did, didn’t he? And...and I’m glad he did,” she said, sticking her chin out stubbornly. “There’s something very wrong with doing experiments on sentient creatures, even if they are evil.”

“They’re just animals. Even if they can look and talk like humans. They aren’t human. No souls, no conscience, no feelings.”

Buffy thought about the look in Spike’s eyes when he was buried inside her and the pain she had felt from him when he left her with Riley. She started to argue, then shrugged and walked away from him.

“Well, whatever he may be, he has been a big help to me all summer as well as good company when I was here by myself and I’m not going to treat him like an animal.”

Riley rolled his shoulders in irritation, then opted not to get into an argument about the bleached blond on his first night back.

“It’s all right, Buffy,” he said following her across the kitchen and putting his hands on her shoulders. “I don’t mind that you had someone to watch your back while I was gone. But now that I’m back...”

He ran his hands down her arms and tried to turn her around to look at him.

“You won’t need him anymore, now that I’m here. I’ll be able to patrol with you and—“

“You—you’re planning to patrol with me?” she could hear the dismay in her voice, but couldn’t seem to do anything about it. Suddenly the complications of having everybody back in her life were overwhelming and all she wanted to do was get into her bed and shut out the world for a while.

“Well,” he was taken back at her obvious surprise, “yes. I thought we’d patrol together. Like we did before I went away. Is there some reason why I shouldn’t?” he asked with a frown.

Buffy sighed and shrugged. “I really don’t want to talk it about right now, Riley. It’s late and I’m tired.”

“Really?” he said, fixing her with a look she’d never seen before. “Because you didn’t seem to be working very hard when you and Spike were sitting around looking at the stars.”

“When we what? When did--? Where--? Were you SPYING on me?”

“That would imply that you were doing something that I shouldn’t have seen, wouldn’t it?”

“No,” she responded haughtily, “it would imply that if you were there, the decent thing to do would have been to let me know. Not watch me from...wherever...as if I was some enemy soldier.”

He had the grace to look ashamed briefly and then quickly regained his righteous indignation.

“I would have, but I wanted to see what was going on with you two. You seemed awfully friendly for a Slayer and a vampire.”

Buffy sighed and shook her head. “We ARE friendly, Riley. That’s what I’ve been trying to get you to see. Spike and I are friends. Turns out we have a lot in common,” she said without thinking.

“You have a lot in common with a vampire?”

The disgust and disbelief in his voice shook her confidence for a minute and she faltered as she responded, “Well, except for the whole – good/evil thing. I guess that’s not...”

“Yeah, seems to me that would be a biggie,” he agreed through gritted teeth. “Not to mention, soul/no soul, sleeps in a bed/sleeps in a coffin,” – Buffy gave a guilty start at that one- “eats pizza/drinks blood - do I need to go on?” he asked with a self-satisfied smirk.

“Spike eats pizza,” she said so softly he wasn’t sure he actually heard her.

“He also eats PEOPLE, Buffy. Or have you forgotten that? He’s violent, stubborn, impulsive...what could you possibly find to do together? You have nothing in common, Buffy, nothing!”

She studied him in silence for a moment, before saying quietly, “You really don’t know me very well, do you, Riley?” She looked into his puzzled eyes and smiled sadly. “And I’m sorry. That’s probably my fault. I wanted so much for you to see me as a normal girl.”

“I know you’re not a normal girl, Buffy. I’ve seen you fight and you’re amazing. But that doesn’t make you like a vampire, just because you are as strong as they are.”

“I’m stronger, Riley,” she said softly and smiled ruefully at his frown of disbelief. “See, that’s another thing you don’t know about me; because I never let you see it. I’m strong and I kill things – hence the name, Slayer.”

She looked up at him again and allowed a little smile to quirk up the corners of her mouth.

“And, if I felt like being truthful about myself, I’d have to admit that I can be a little impulsive and stubborn -- or so Giles tells me, anyway.”

The big man’s shoulders sagged in submission.

“All right, Buffy. I really don’t want to fight with you my first night back. Let’s just agree to disagree about Spike for now.”

He looked down at her hopefully and added, “There are other things I’d really rather be doing right now, anyway.”

As he spoke, he pulled her into his body and ran his hands down over her firm rear. To her amazement, Buffy felt an immediate, visceral revulsion at his touch and she grabbed his hands before they could move anywhere else.

He tried to pull her in again and she let go of his hands to push on his chest.

“No, Riley. Not here! It’s the kitchen, for God’s sake!”

She carefully smothered memories of Spike pushing her up against the sink just a few days ago.

“Fine, “ he said, trying to kiss her rapidly retreating mouth, “Let’s go upstairs.”

My mom is home.”

“Buffy,” he almost growled, “I’ve been gone for two months. Haven’t you missed me at all?”

“Of course I did. I did miss you. I just...I just can’t right now. Because...you know...” She peered up at him to see if he was buying it.

She knew he wouldn’t want to have sex with her if she was having her period. Riley had very emphatic rules about what was and wasn’t “normal” sex and having it during that time was definitely not on the list. Again, memories of Spike’s enthusiasm for sex when she was menstruating cropped up, but she loyally pushed them back.

(After all, he’s a vampire. He’s all about the blood.)

Buffy got lost in her memory of the first time she’d tried to turn Spike down because she was having her period. While she hemmed and hawed and stammered, he had just stood there looking at her with steadily growing amusement. Finally he had burst into outright laughter and explained to her, through muffled guffaws that he always knew when she or any of the other Scoobie girls were having their “monthlies” as he called it.

While she glared at him in embarrassed anger, he’d calmed down and reminded her that he was a vampire. “Enhanced sense of smell? Appetite for blood? Ability to sense/smell changes in bodily functions? Stop me when I get to something we’ve talked about before, love.”

“You mean you always know...eeww, Spike!”

“Nothing eww about it, Slayer,” he’d said, suddenly serious. “It’s your blood, just as surely as if it came from a vein. And it’s extra rich blood at that. You didn’t seriously think I was going to forgo a chance to...”

“Don’t’ say it!” she’d gasped in a panic.

“OK, love,” he’d rumbled, running his mouth up her neck to the place right behind her ear, “I won’t say it, but I’m bloody well going to do it before the night is out.”

Buffy’s distraction as she thought about Spike and the night he’d shown her just how OK he was with making love during that time of the month caused her to miss the calculating stare Riley was giving her. When he let go of her arms, she snapped back to the present and looked at him apologetically as she frantically tried to remember what he’d been saying while she was lost in her memories of sex with another man.

“So, then, “ he said with exaggerated casualness, “I’ll see you tomorrow night?”

“Uh, uh...sure. Of course. Tomorrow night. Maybe we can go to the Bronze or something...”

“Yeah, or something,” he agreed. “I’ll let you get some sleep now,” he added, kissing her on the forehead.

Guilt made Buffy hug him longer and harder than she actually had intended to, and he finally had to point out that she was crushing him.

“Oh! I’m sorry,” she blushed and stammered. “I forgot –I –“

“Hey, it’s okay, Buffy,” he smiled and tilted her head up. “I’m glad to see you missed me. Just thought I’d remind you that I need to breathe now and then.”

She searched his face for any sign that he was comparing himself to Spike, but he seemed genuinely pleased to have been hugged so hard.

(Guess it’s just me who needs reminding that Spike is different from human men.)

“Ok, Good-night, Riley. And...I’m glad you’re back. Really I am.”

“Me too. I guess it’s going to take us a little while to get used to each other again.”

“I guess so. But, hey, we can start tomorrow night, right?”

“Right. Good-night, Buffy.”


Chapter Twelve

Spike could feel Buffy’s reaction to the way his stomach had knotted up when he left her alone with the soldier. He stopped at the edge of her yard and inhaled unnecessarily to calm himself down. Using skills he hadn’t really known he possessed, he was able to damp down the connection between them so that he couldn’t feel her anymore and she, therefore, wouldn’t be able to feel him.

He forced himself to walk away quickly before the urge to stay close enough to see and hear them could make him do something he was sure he’d regret.

(Don’t really need to see or hear her snoggin’ or more with Capt’n Cardboard. Bad enough to know it’s gonna happen. Seems like it’s time for another visit with my friend Jack.)

He got back to his crypt and threw himself into his comfy chair, bottle already open and tilted toward his mouth. Visions of Buffy and Riley kissing, holding each other, and making love were piercing his brain as he gulped the whiskey as fast as he could. When the oblivion he was seeking began to seep over him, he unconsciously relaxed his control over the claim connection.

He immediately felt Buffy’s guilt and confusion, as well as the loneliness she was feeling as she curled up in her bed. His own confusion kept him from passing out as he tried to figure out what he was sensing from her.

(She’s alone? She sent him away? Why is she so lonely? Could‘ve had him if she wanted. No way the stupid git was so mad at her about me that he’d not want to shag her silly after bein’ gone all summer. Somethin’s wrong...)

Telling himself he wasn’t spying on her, just checking to be sure she was all right, he forced himself to his feet and stumbled toward the door to his crypt. By the time he’d staggered through the cool night air as far as Revello Drive, he was rapidly sobering up and having second thoughts about what he was doing.

(What am I goin’ to say to her? I came back ‘cause I knew he wasn’t here? Thought you might want/need me? Yeah, that’ll happen you bloody wanker.)

He stood under the tree in her yard, staring up at her window. Now that he was close, he could hear her rapid heartbeat and restless tossing around in her bed. He told himself he was just checking on her, nothing else, as he silently climbed up and onto the roof. Moving as quietly as only a nocturnal predator can, he slipped over to her window and peered in.

Buffy was lying on her bed clutching Mr. Gordo and rubbing her face on an empty pillowcase. Spike frowned as he caught a whiff of the pillowcase and realized it smelled of both Slayer and vampire. This close to her he could feel her confused emotions even more than before.

(Bloody, stupid pillock. Don’t know what he said to her, but he’s got my Slayer upset and losin’ sleep she doesn’t need to lose.)

Suddenly the Slayer’s heart rate went up and she sat up looking right at the window

“Spike? Is that you?”

(Bollocks! Guess there’s no point in pretendin’. If I can feel her, she can feel me.)

“Yes, love,” he said softly, moving closer to the windowsill. “It’s me.”

“What are you doing out there?” she asked, with just a trace of the anger he expected to hear in her voice.

He sighed and slipped one leg over the windowsill. “Could feel you, pet. Knew you were upset about somethin’. Jus’ came to make sure you were all right, that’s all. I’m sorry. Didn’t mean to wake you up.”

“I wasn’t asleep,” she admitted, gesturing him into the house.

He cast an eye at the pillowcase she was still holding and raised an eyebrow inquiringly. She flushed when she realized he had seen it, and quickly shoved it back under her pillow.

Wanting to distract him before he could ask her about it, she asked casually, “So, you could feel me, huh? What’s that all about?”

He took a deep, unnecessary breath and sat down, careful to keep some distance between them. When he reached for her hands and held them gently, she frowned briefly.

“Is this another one of those, you’re-holding-my-hands-so-I-won’t-hit-you things?”

Smiling ruefully he nodded his head and brought her hands to his lips for a second. “Dunno, love. But we need to talk about what’s happened between us.”

“Friends, sex, patrol, sex, go dancing, kick demon butt, sex, summer fl-“

She stopped when she saw the amber flashes in his eyes and felt his grip on her hands tighten.

“Okay,” she said quietly, “not just a summer fling. I admit it. I just don’t know what to do about it.”

She looked him directly in the eye and said, “And I don’t know if what I’m feeling is real or if it’s got something to do with letting you bite me. Don’t you think it’s time you told me, Spike?”

“Yes, love, it is. It’s past time...I just...I’m a coward. I don’t want to lose what we have – whatever it is, and I’m afraid...”

“Spit it out, Spike. What’s going on with us? Why can I feel it when you’re... and why can you tell that I’m upset all the way from your crypt? I thought you told me if I didn’t reciprocate the claim would go away in few days. If anything, it’s getting stronger.”

He held her hands lightly, unconsciously using his thumbs to rub small soothing circles on her wrists.

“Spike?” Her voice began to sound more like the Slayer and less like the Buffy he’d come to know so well.

“Alright, love, here’s the bloody situation. I wasn’t lying to you when I said the claim wasn’t finished, or that it would go away in a couple of days; but we didn’t exactly do what we needed to do for that to happen...”

She continued to look at him with barely concealed impatience and he hastened on.

“The thing is – in order for the claim to fade away, we would have had to stop having any kind of physical contact. Every time we made love...” He paused waiting for the inevitable correction in his terminology. When it didn’t come, he felt a small spark of hope in his chest and he continued with more confidence, “Every time we made love, we strengthened the bond a little. Every time you let me love you, let me touch you... Every time I put my mouth on those marks, I was renewing my side of the claim.”

He felt rather than saw her withdraw from him. She pulled her hands back slowly and wrapped her arms around herself as though she was cold. He immediately damped down the fear and pain that shot through him, hoping she hadn’t noticed.

“So, you’ve been deliberately letting me think this thing was going to go away, and at the same time you were making it stronger?” Her voice shook slightly and she felt an overwhelming disappointment go through her. She couldn’t help but remember Riley’s words about soulless demons and vampires as she struggled with an overwhelming sense of loss and betrayal.

“No! No, I swear I wasn’t trying to deceive you. Jus’ wanted you so bloody much...” He reflexively reached for her hands again and winced when she cringed away from him. “I’m not a strong man, Buffy. I couldn’t make myself stay away from you. Couldn’t not touch you, hold you, love you...I never meant to—“

“Never meant to what? Drink from me? Bind a Slayer to you? Is this how you make up for the chip? You can’t kill me so you decided to own me?” Her voice was an angry hiss as she struggled to keep it low enough that her mother wouldn’t wake and hear them. “I was a fool to trust you,” she finished, fighting back the tears behind her eyes.

His beautiful face became a cold, hard mask as he stared back at her.

“Is that what you think, Slayer? Is that you talkin’ or is that the soddin’ soldier boy?”

“Leave him out of this, Spike,” she warned coldly.

“Don’t think I can do that, pet,” he said evenly. “Wanker’s only been back for a few hours and you’re already telling me you don’t trust me. What’s next? He gonna talk you into staking me just in case the chip fails?”

Buffy winced inwardly as she remembered what Riley said about the chip’s longevity.

(Could I stake Spike if I had to? I sent Angel to hell. There’s no reason why I wouldn’t be able to stake a vampire I’m not in love with.)

She ignored the little voice in her head asking her if she was sure she wasn’t falling in love with this vampire.

(That’s only the claim making me have...feelings for him. They’ll go away as soon as the claim fades.)

The vampire waited for her response, the restless clenching and unclenching of his fists the only sign of his impatience.

Ignoring his question, she tried to continue the conversation in a calmer voice.

“So, if we stop sleeping together, this is going to go away. Is that what you’re saying?”

She caught his brief hesitation before he answered and said, more curtly than she intended, “Tell me the truth, Spike.”

She saw him stiffen and bit back the apology that tried to come out of her mouth, although she softened her command with a quiet, “Please?”

He sat on the edge of the bed, his forearms resting on his knees, hands dangling between his legs. He resolutely kept his gaze on the floor, afraid that if he looked at her, he would break down and cry.

“I don’t know, Buffy,” he said softly. “I never claimed anyone before – and no one has ever claimed a Slayer. I really thought it would just fade away if I stopped sayin’ anything possessive or...” He stopped and took a deep breath before continuing. “I guess not sayin’ out loud what I was thinking every time we made love wasn’t good enough. The demon knew I was thinkin’ it.”

There was silence for several minutes as he continued to stare at the floor, misery in every line of his body.

He drew another shuddering breath and added, “I don’t know why it’s as strong as it is. You never accepted it, or tried to claim me back.” He couldn’t hide the pang that went through him when he said those words and he saw her flinch slightly when she felt it.

“You know it’s got to stop,” she finally said firmly. “I’m the Slayer. I can’t be bound to a...to your demon.”

“I know, pet. Wouldn’t expect you to. We’ll fix it, Slayer, don’t worry.”

“How?” she asked dubiously.

“Do what I shoulda done in the first place – stay away from you ‘less there’s somebody else around. If we don’t do anything to renew it for a while and it still doesn’t go away, then we’ll have to fess up to the Watcher or the Wiccas and ask for a spell. “

“Okay,” she agreed. “We won’t see each other except when we know we can’t...”

As realization set in, she felt her resolution falter. It was one thing to say she didn’t want the claim. It was quite something else to acknowledge that she had to give up the gentle bantering and reliable back-up she’d become used to, not to mention the intense love-making that usually followed their patrols.

Suddenly the Slayer was gone and Buffy was back as she asked him timidly, “Couldn’t you just not...think? Or not think claimy kinds of thoughts? Just don’t think it anymore. Whatever ‘it’ is.”

She looked at him triumphantly as if she had just solved all their problems.

“Don’t think I can do that, pet,” he said softly, looking up so that she could read his eyes. “I can’t be in you, surrounded by you, feeling you moving under me and not...” His voice trailed off and his eyes glazed over as he thought about Buffy’s body moving with his. He shook his head at his own easily distracted thoughts and touched her face gently.

“There’s only one way this is going to work, and that’s if I stay away from you completely. You’ll know where to find me if you need me for somethin’, but I won’t be comin’ ‘round unless you ask for me.”

Buffy leaned into his hand and rubbed her face on it. “We have to get rid of it,” she said with as much determination as she could muster. “I need to know...”

“Need to know what, pet?” he asked, genuinely puzzled, but willing to keep his hand on her face as long as she seemed to want it there.

She looked up and met his eyes with complete honesty. “I need to know if what I’m feeling for you is me or the claim.”

“Which do you want it to be, Buffy?” he breathed fearfully. He knew if his heart could beat it would have been pounding.

She just shook her head and whispered with her eyes closed, “I need to know, Spike. I just need to know.” Suddenly her eyes flew open and she asked, “Don’t you want to know? If it’s real? For you, I mean. If it’s real for you.”

He smiled at her sadly and shook his head, then took her chin and she got lost in his soft blue eyes. He leaned in and put his forehead against hers.

“If it got any more real, I’d be dust. Doesn’t matter if you’re claimed by me, Capt’n Cardboard, or the great bloody poof. There is nothing on this earth that can change the way I feel. I love you, Buffy Anne Summers. I think I always have. And I think I always will. ‘M yours, love, whether you want me or not.”

He watched the emotions play across her face when he pulled back to look at her – surprise, a flicker of happiness? Then she gained control of herself and pushed him gently away.

“I guess we’ll find out, won’t we?” she said softly.

“Yeah, pet. I guess we will.”

He stood up, pulling her up with him and folded her in his arms. “Good bye, love,” he whispered as he fastened his lips on hers, leaving them there until she was kissing him back with a desperation that surprised them both.

Before their bodies could turn the kiss into something more, Spike reluctantly let go. He turned in a swirl of leather and leapt through the window and down to the ground before Buffy could get, “Goodbye, Spike” out of her mouth.





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