Buffy quietly walked around the area, attentive to each noise. She was more nervous than she would have liked. She had no idea what to expect of her reunion with Angel. Her mind had automatically latched on to the fact that he had been her first love, always there for her – he had to be her soul mate. Who else could make her happy if not Angel?
But while her mind said this, her heart didn’t seem to follow. There was still an empty place there where Angel just didn’t fit.
What is wrong with me? she wondered. Haven’t I always dreamed of the day when we could finally be together?
Another dream flashed in her mind, a dream that felt more real that any hopes for her and Angel ever had, and easily filled the gap in her heart.
There hadn't been a single day when Buffy hadn't thought of Spike since he disappeared, but she had thought of him even more than usual since moving to San Jose. It was almost as if he were there, waiting for her, somewhere in the shadows. Sometimes she felt as if he was so near that she would see him standing behind her if only she turned around.
The Staff must be affecting me already, she thought, but she knew this had nothing do with demonic magic – only with her own feelings.
The sound of a step, muffled by the grass, tore her away from her thoughts. A familiar figure stood waiting in the shade.
“Hello, Angel,” Buffy said in a wavering voice.
“Hello, Buffy.”
For a moment, neither of them moved, looking awkwardly at each other, unsure of what to do. Then Angel moved forward and touched her shoulder. A moment later, she was in his arms.
But the instant he pressed her against his chest, she felt as if something had changed. He wasn’t holding on to her like he never wanted to let her go. He was holding her like Xander or Giles might.
She stepped away from him, slightly shaken by this revelation, and forced her lips into a smile.
“It’s been awhile,” she said simply.
“A very long while,” Angel agreed. “Seemed like the world had definitely stopped being in danger, but I guess that’s just too much to ask.”
“Giles told me you knew about the Staff,” Buffy said. “How did you find out?”
“He was the one to tell me. He knew I was in California, and he needed someone here to keep watch until you came…”
Buffy nodded, uncomfortable. “Angel, listen – I think I should tell you…”
“No, wait,” Angel interrupted. “I have something to tell you first.”
Buffy gulped. What was he going to say? Was he expecting their relationship to return to what it was? And what would she answer if he did?
“I care about you, Buffy, and I always will. You know that, right?”
She took a deep breath. “Angel, I don’t think we should -”
“Please, Buffy. I have to do this. You see, you - you didn’t seem to want to see me when I was in Rome, and you stayed away for so long, well… I thought it would be better for me to let you go, to move on, and… I’ve met someone else.”
Well, that settles it, at least.
“I see,” she said quietly, trying to contain the strange and sickening feeling of disappointment stirring inside her.
“Her name’s Ruby. She’s living here with me.”
“Why didn’t – why didn’t you tell me earlier?”
Angel looked down at his feet. “I don’t know. I was too much of a coward to do it… I know I should’ve. I’m sorry.”
Buffy shook her head. “That’s all right. I understand why you didn’t. After all I didn’t tell you about Spike either, when…”
Angel looked up sharply at her. Buffy frowned. “What? Don’t tell me you’re still jealous, because that would be really pushing it.”
“No, no, it has nothing to do with that,” he said. “Buffy, I think you should know -”
His words hung in the air, unfinished. She could tell he was about to tell her something, when a crash resounded in the distance. They looked at each other a second longer, then bounded in the direction of the museum.
“The back entrance,” Angel said, and Buffy followed him around the building.
When they finally arrived to the back of the building, they halted in their steps. A janitor in blue overalls was taking out some trash, and had stopped in the middle of his task, looking at the two well-dressed visitors beholding him with a rather wary expression.
“Can I help you?”
“Sorry, we just thought -”
Angel smiled politely and led Buffy away, interrupting her attempt at an explanation.
“We’re going to have to get used to working around each other again,” he said, not unkindly. “I know a lot has changed, but I really want us to be friends.”
“Me too, Angel. But I think it may take a while.”
The vampire nodded in understanding, and Buffy gave him a smile, a real one this time, despite the sinking feeling in her stomach. She realized, looking at him, that she wasn’t in love with Angel, and hadn’t been for a long time – so why did she feel so terrible?
You feel terrible because he’s with someone he loves, and you’re not, a little voice in her head said.
Buffy tried to brush the thought aside, but even as it entered her mind, she knew it was the truth.
“So, doggie pampering, huh?”
Dawn nodded and sipped her hot cocoa. Spike had brought her home, and she was curled up on the couch while he sat on the floor.
“Yeah. It’s not so bad, actually, and I’m pretty good at it.”
Spike gave her a half-smile. “How can you not be bored with it, after all the exciting, life-threatening situations you’ve been in?”
“Well, sometimes I am, but – well, I’m not a super witch or a Slayer or anything like that. I’m just a normal person, so I better get used to living a normal life.”
“Bollocks. How many girls your age can read bloody Latin and a score of other languages? Sorry to disappoint you, nibblet, but you’re anything but normal.”
“So? All the Watchers are fluent in Latin and ancient Greek and all that. And I can’t be a Watcher, I’m a girl!”
Spike shook his head. “What a bunch of sexist pricks. Say what you want, but being a vampire is a same-sex opportunity. Anyway, that’s not the point – the only thing wrong with you is that you haven’t had your calling yet.”
“I’m eighteen – that’s pretty old to get a calling, isn’t it?”
“Hey, all of us aren’t bloody wonder kids like your sister and her friend Red. I was far older than eighteen when I got bit.”
Dawn shrugged her shoulders. “Perhaps you’re right. I hope you are. I really don’t want to spend my life walking dogs.”
Both of them were silent for a moment. Dawn glanced slyly at her friend.
“So, are you going stay in San Jose with me and Buffy?” she asked innocently.
Spike glared at her. “I haven’t quite decided yet, but if I do stay, it sure as hell won’t be with you and Buffy. Your sister is not to know I’m here – or anywhere, for that matter. Things are better off with her thinking I’m a bunch of cinders laying at the bottom of the Hellmouth.”
“Oh come on, Spike,” Dawn pleaded. “You should tell her. She hasn’t even looked at another guy since you died.” She paused. “It feels kinda weird to say that.”
“She’ll get over it, no doubt about that,” Spike replied flatly. “She’s got Peaches the Happy Vampire to cheer to her up now.”
Dawn rolled her eyes. “Spike, you can be such a idiot sometimes. She doesn’t love Angel, or she would’ve tried to see him long before coming here. She just feels lonely, that’s all.”
Spike gave a small laugh. “Well, that’s a comforting thought. Listen, it’s very sweet of you to try and get me to stay, but I’m afraid I’m a hopeless case.”
“Will you come and see me at least?” she asked sadly.
“Of course I will, little bit,” he replied, smiling. “You make some wicked hot cocoa.”
Spike was just slipping his coat on when he heard the intercom ring. He froze in horror as Dawn hurried to pick up the call.
“Okay, what’s the password?” she asked, then mouthed to Spike, “It’s Buffy!”
The vampire felt a cold sweat in his back and his stomach lurched. Buffy was there, right outside the building. And if he didn’t think fast, they would come face to face in a matter of seconds.
Dawn hung up the intercom phone. “I didn’t think she’d return until at least two… There’s no way you can get out of here without her seeing you,” she said.
“Well, there’s no way she’s seeing me, so we better find a solution fast!”
Dawn looked around, and finally threw the coat closet open. “Hide in here!”
“Are you barmy? That’s the worse hiding place ever! It’s the first thing she’ll open coming home!”
“It’s more than a hundred degrees outside, Spike, she isn’t wearing a coat! Now get inside!”
Just as Spike was cramming himself behind the rows of coats, the key turned in the lock. Dawn shut the closet. He couldn’t see anything, but he could hear the door open, and smell a very distinctive perfume coming from the coats and from outside the closet, a fresh scent of soap and rose and something else.
Buffy’s scent. Buffy’s skin.
“Hey Dawn. Did you have a nice evening?”
Spike closed his eyes. Hearing her so close to him, vibrant and alive, after so long, made a tremulous thrill course up his spine, and it took all the strength he had not to tear the closet open at that instant and reveal himself to her to match that delicious voice with the sight of her beautiful face.
“Yeah, it was fine. Just – hacking about, doing nothing interesting.”
“Did you have someone over?” Buffy’s voice had suddenly gone suspicious.
“Oh, um, Juliet came to hang out, but she left before you got here.”
“Well, you could’ve put the mugs in the dishwasher, Dawnie. They’ll leave rings on the wood if you leave them there.”
“Okay, sorry. So, um – how did your date with Angel go?”
Spike’s fists curled up into balls. He would beat the bloody bastard to a pulp if he’d pulled a move on Buffy.
“It wasn’t a date, and it was fine.”
Oh, bloody hell, no! What does she mean by fine?
Dawn seemed to be reading his thoughts from the other side of the wardrobe. “Does that mean you’re back together?”
“No. Listen, we were in love a long time ago, but it’s simply no longer the case, for either one of us,” she explained, as if Dawn would be somewhat disappointed by the news. “He has a girlfriend now, and I – I have other things on my mind.”
“Oh, okay. Well, I’m sure you’ll find someone soon too,” she said lightly.
Spike grit his teeth. Dawn was a great girl, but she really didn’t know how to hold her tongue.
“It’s far from being my priority right now,” Buffy replied. “Right now I feel like going to bed, and so should you – it’s almost one o’clock.”
“All right,” Dawn said reluctantly. “I’m beat too, anyway.”
He heard the two girls rummage around for awhile, tidying up the living room, then the light clicked and the voices died down. There were footsteps down the hall, the noise of doors closing, and silence.
Spike waited a long time before stepping out. The streetlights threw a square of pale light on the wall through the window, and he spotted a soft cotton cardigan hanging from a hook in the hallway. There was the door, his means of escape, of leaving this world impregnated with Buffy’s presence for the comforting anonymity of the streets.
But he didn’t want to leave. Just a few feet away, behind a flimsy door, Buffy was sleeping, peaceful, wearing nothing but one of those flimsy satin things she had.
Snap out of it, he told himself. You’re about to do something very, very stupid.
But it was stronger than him. His footsteps lead him down the carpeted hall to Buffy’s room, and his hand shook slightly as it lifted to touch the cool brass doorknob. Spike desperately tried to reason himself – this was pure madness. Buffy would likely stake him without leaving him time to explain like Dawn had.
He closed his eyes and pressed his forehead against the doorframe. It felt almost as though she was waiting for him on the other side, waiting, aching for him as he did for her.
Don’t, he thought, but his hand had already turned the knob.
Buffy was lying on her back, the sheets thrown back from her body, her hair fanned out on the pillow.
Spike watched her, filled with exultant relief, as if he’d finally laid down a terrible burden he had been carrying for years. But at the same time, he was well aware of the gravity of the situation. Seeing her only made him realize that no amount of distance or time would help – his love for Buffy was intact. She was even more beautiful than he had remembered, and he had never wanted her more.
He stepped closer, slowly stretching out his hand as if he could grasp at a lock of her hair, or brush her cheek, without waking her up.
“I’m here.”
Buffy clutched the white sheets to her chest and looked around her, but again, she saw only darkness.
“Spike? Where are you?”
“I’m right here, love. So close that I could touch you.”
She breathed in sharply, taken with a strange sense of panic. “I can’t see you. Why can’t I see you?”
“You have to wake up and open your eyes.”
Buffy shifted on the mattress and struggled to emerge from her dream, battling with the thick brocade of sleep to take hold of her senses.
She felt the barest touch on her cheek and her eyes shot open.
She scrambled up, glancing around her room. It was empty and dark, just like in her dream. She felt around for her light switch, needing some proof that she was really awake.
The light came on and she squinted. It was then she realized her door was open.
Oh my god…
The touch hadn’t been a dream. And perhaps Spike hadn’t been either.