~December 2003~
”Cecily, I love you. Don’t go, we can work this out!”
“No, William. There’s no point. This thing between you and me, it could never work. You’re beneath me.”
~February 2005~
“Come on, Dru, don’t be like this! Don’t leave me, I promise things will change. I love you.”
“I’m sorry, my sweet William. The stars told me it could never work between you and me. I need someone who’s…”
“What? Tell me, I can be whatever you want.”
“No, you really can’t.”
~November 2005~
“Harm, where are you going?”
“I’m going out with Wesley tonight. Did I forget to mention that? Oh, and William? It’s been nice and all but… It’s over.”
“Come on William, it’ll be fun! You’re coming with us to The Bronze tonight, and I won’t take no for an answer.”
“I told you, it’s Spike now... and I’m not going!”
Xander Harris rolled his eyes. “All right, Spike, this is starting to get ridiculous. Seriously, when was the last time you went out?” Spike opened his mouth to answer, but Xander raised his hand to stop him. “And I’m not talking about leaving the house to go to work.”
Spike sighed. Xander may be his best friend, but sometimes, it was hard to remember why. He was right, of course. The thing was just that these days, Spike couldn’t really see the point of going out anymore. It was always the same; him getting drunk and picking up some random girl to spend the night with. He wanted more than that. Unfortunately, he had become painfully aware of the fact that it was just not possible.
All he had ever wanted was being loved, but he had long since given up hope of ever finding her. The girl he could spend the rest of his life with. And after being dumped the last time, he’d had enough. His so called relationships always ended up the same way. Always ending in pain and humiliation, with the feeling of being rejected and not being worthy. Spike had given up; to him, the search for The One just wasn’t worth it anymore. His already bruised heart couldn't take another woman crushing it. Along with his ego, it had become too fragile to risk again.
He didn’t know what it was about him that made it impossible for anyone to love him. He had tried to change, to be different, to be exactly the man the women wanted him to be, but it was just never enough. He was never enough. So, earlier this year, he had bleached his hair, gotten new clothes, started wearing contacts instead of the glasses and had even changed his name. He was a different person now. At least on the outside.
He had immediately noticed how people started treating him differently. All of the sudden, strange women came up to him when he was walking around town, or even at the supermarket. They seemed to like this new person he had turned himself into, and at first, it had been wonderful.
He soon came to realize that the girls he picked up wanted more than romantic dinners and snuggling on the couch in front of the telly. So, he’d given them what they wanted. And after a while, he lost counting of how many different girls he had made love to. No, not made love. How many girls he had fucked. There was a difference, one of which he soon became aware of.
After a while, he had started getting tired of it all. It was always the same; different characters but a replay of the same script. He went out, met a girl and brought her home, they would have sex a couple of times and then fall asleep. And the next morning, he always woke up alone.
So, he stopped going out. He stopped sleeping around with different girls every night, and now he was back to being a nobody. He would never admit it, of course. He told his friends that he had already fucked every girl out there who was worth the trouble. That he had better things to do than hanging at The Bronze every night. After a while, they had just stopped asking him.
Except for Xander, though. He still tried, and that was the reason Spike both loved him and hated him. Xander cared, and that just made it harder, because Spike knew he could never tell his friend the real reason why he didn’t want to go out anymore. It just hurt too much, knowing that all the beautiful girls he picked up, the girls he’d do anything for, just wanted to be with him for one reason. To use him for their own pleasure for one night, and then leave in the middle of the night without even saying a goodbye.
“Spike? Hello!” Xander waved his hand in front of Spike’s face. “Dude, I asked you a question. Where did you go?”
Silently cursing himself for not paying attention, Spike snapped out of his depressing thoughts and wondered what Xander had just asked him. “Sorry, mate. You were saying?”
Xander rolled his eyes again. He did that a lot, and Spike was starting to find it most annoying. He took a deep breath, trying not to sound too impatient. “Seriously, what was the question?”
“Never mind. Come on, man, I just want you to come out with us tonight! We’ll drink cheap beer, get really drunk and check out some hot girls. Maybe you’ll get lucky! Huh? What do you say?” Xander got a goofy grin on his face, and Spike couldn’t help but chuckle.
“I don’t know, I just… I don’t feel like going out tonight. Can’t we just…”
Xander interrupted him. “You never feel like going out anymore. What are you so afraid of?”
Spike glared at him. “Hey, take that back! I’m not afraid of anything. I just don’t feel like…” He stopped when he saw the look on Xander’s face. “What?”
Xander shrugged. “Oh, nothing. I just never realized that you’re a ponce.”
Spike stared at his friend in disbelief. “I’m a what? Since when do you insult me in British?!”
“Since you’ve become too stubborn for your own good. Ok, Spike, here’s the deal. You either accept it, or…well, you’ll just have to accept it. We’re going out tonight, and we’re going to get completely wasted. You can go back to moping and brooding tomorrow; tonight we’re gonna have fun. All right?”
Spike let out a defeated sigh. “Oh, bloody hell! All right, I’ll go. But just so you know; I’m only agreeing to this to get you off my back.”
Xander laughed, giving him a smug look. “Of course! Man, that was easier than I thought it would be! Right, I’m out of here, gotta call the guys. Meet you at The Bronze tonight at nine?” Spike nodded. “Great, see you then, bye!” With that, Xander hurried out of the apartment, leaving Spike to wonder what he had just gotten himself into.
He really didn’t want to go, but he was also tired of just sitting at home and feeling sorry for himself. All he wanted was to find a girl who would see him for who he really was, not for what he could do for them. All he wanted was to meet someone who could love him, but who could ever love a loser like him?
TBC