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Chapter 10 - The Hard Past
They sat outside the car on the hood. Buffy held her hands together in her lap and fixated her eyes on the ground, not to make Spike feel uncomfortable with her staring all the time.
“Okay,” Spike sighed. “It’s… I never told anyone the whole story. Just small pieces so please don’t tell anyone,” he said making eye contact with her. Buffy nodded. What else could she do when he was almost pleading? He offered to tell her his story; he offered her his trust, so she wouldn’t screw it all up by telling anyone. And by the way, who could that be?
“Of course I won’t”, she told him softly.
“Good. It’s not that I don’t trust you, I just…”
“Spike, it’s okay. I understand.”
“Okay…” He inhaled and glanced at the surroundings. “Well, it started about two years ago. I had just moved out of the house again, there were some difficulties with the rent and the apartment so I decided to live in my dad’s house for a little while. Back then, it was me, Chelsea, dad… And mum.”
Buffy glanced at Spike and felt her heart ache for the pained look on his face.
“She… When I moved, I had noticed she wasn’t really herself. My mother was always very open and happy, but at that point she had just gotten less enthusiastic over life. It’s hard to describe… Every time I tried to talk to her she covered it up and instantly put on a fake smile. My dad tried too with no progress. I told myself she was just depressed and it worked, for a little while… I finally got some money and decided to move. Two weeks later I went to visit them and see how they were doing, especially my mum.” Spike stopped for a few moments and Buffy made no intention on pushing him. He swallowed hard and bit his lip before continuing. “It was quiet when I stepped inside, I called out a few times then I went up to my old room to get some stuff I forgot when I moved. I went past the bathroom and… that’s when I saw her, laying there on the floor, blood covering her arms and a bottle of pills on her left.”
“Oh my god,” Buffy gaped and put a hand on Spike’s arm, at loss of what else to do. “I’m so sorry. I wish there was something else I could say but…”
“It’s okay, Buffy. I appreciate it.” He smiled a weakly at her with apprehensive eyes, and then he looked down. Buffy couldn’t help herself. She embraced him and buried her head in his shoulder. He seemed kind of shocked at first, but soon returned the hug.
“You don’t have to tell me, Spike,” Buffy said, pulling away slightly to see into his eyes and making sure he understood. “It was stupid of me to make you tell. I fully understand if you don’t want to.”
“I think it’s for the best. I-I have to… get it out,” Spike mumbled into her shoulder and squeezed his eyes shut. Buffy nodded and he continued. “Anyway, I was paralyzed; I just froze for what felt like hours, then I don’t even really know what I did. I guess I tried to wake her up, I called dad, an ambulance… An hour later they told us she’d been dead for probably hours before I got there.”
“I’m so sorry. I… I wish there was something I could do… Do you… Do you know why?”
Spike shook his head and slipped out of Buffy’s embrace, even though he really didn’t want to leave the comfort she was offering him. “But later we found out that she was diagnosed with cancer two months earlier. She hadn’t told us anything about it and she probably didn’t want to. Maybe that’s why she killed herself? But I don’t understand why, she could’ve been healed from it.”
Buffy nodded and stroke the hair in the nape of his neck. “I understand.”
Spike suddenly scowled. “Yeah, everybody says they do. Nobody really does know though.” He stood up and started pacing back and forward in front of the car.
“But I do know.”
“Please, Buffy, you couldn’t possibly understand that so don’t say you do, it’s just fake.”
“Can you stop it?” Buffy exclaimed. “Don’t do that. I do know and just because-“
“Yeah, how would you know now?” Spike asked sarcastically.
“Because my mother”, she said, “was diagnosed with a brain tumor.”
Spike froze and glanced at Buffy. Oh god, I really messed it up. “Buffy-“
“No, it’s okay. I felt the same way, but I need you to understand and listen. I do know how you feel, and felt for that matter.”
“When?”
“Five years ago. I’d just started collage, but I dropped out for a few months to start working and help her out at home. The hospital bills were really high and at that time I didn’t have any contact with my dad so he couldn’t help out with the money issue.”
“Is she okay now?” Spike dared to ask.
“Yes, she is. But it was close, I found her on the sofa one day, unconscious. I pretty much did the same as you did, paced, called, threw up… Her heart stopped but they got it working again.”
“I’m glad,” Spike said and went back to the car and sat down beside her. “I’m sorry I snapped at you.”
“It’s okay,” Buffy assured him. “Would you like to go on?”
Spike nodded. “Listen, just four people know anything about this. Willow, Tara, Xander and Fred, but they don’t know everything, just pieces of it so I’d appreciate it if you didn’t tell them.”
“No, of course not.”
“Good… Well, this is one reason I stayed in Cornwall. My dad was a wreck even though he tried to hide it from me and Chels. Chelsea was… She was freaking me out. When I told her what had happened, she just stared at me like I was insane. She dozed off; shut me out until she saw the medical staff bring her body inside. Then she broke apart and I was almost relieved.
But the thing was that she continued like that for weeks. She didn’t cry at the funeral, didn’t say a word and I got scared. During that time I got a job in London, but I couldn’t take it. Not when she was acting like that. And of course, dad got the chest pain about that time so everything was pretty much a living hell for a half year. Chelsea got into some troubles at school, but I think that she realized what she really was doing after some time and she became better. Still I couldn’t leave, so that’s why I’m still here.”
Buffy slowly nodded. But she still didn’t understand one thing. “But… Why were you so mad at your house?”
“Because,” Spike sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “This is what I wanted to hide from everyone. I didn’t want every single person to know about my messed up family and why I stayed, hell I didn’t even want my dad to continue work. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I’m ashamed of them, more the opposite. I love them, but… If other people knew then it would make the whole thing so much more real, and I didn’t want that. Probably still don’t. That’s why, because I’ve known you for a little more than a week and you got to know about the dark part of my past, but I think that… You probably are the best person I can tell about this.”
Buffy opened her mouth to say something but she didn’t have the words. She could never have guessed that that was the reason Spike behaved like that.
“Oh… I’m sorry,” Buffy whispered, making eye contact with him, then slightly laughing a miserable laugh. “Seems like it is the only thing I’ve been saying now, huh?”
“Don’t be, Buffy, please,” Spike almost pleaded. “I didn’t have the right to act like that. I’m the one who should apologize to you and I am sorry. I am so, so sorry.” Spike started shaking his head and looked down at the ground, feeling his eyes water up.
“I’ve known you for a little more than a week, and still I can’t stand the thought of losing you. Please, Buffy, please forgive me.” He sounded so desperate and sad that Buffy didn’t have the heart to say no, and she had already forgiven him.
“It’s all right,” she said as stroked his back which made him glance up at her. She swallowed hard when she saw his blue eyes eying her. They were still for a few moments before Spike, to Buffy’s surprise, leant forward and captured her lips. Buffy felt her eyes widened before she got lost in the kiss. All of the other thoughts of not getting involved with anyone, stuck in the back of her brain.
Spike put his arms around her and pulled her carefully closer to him and Buffy put her hands on his chest to support her. When breathing became an issue they parted and Spike rested his forehead on Buffy’s while he tried to catch his breath.
Still with the feeling of his lips on hers, Buffy felt the anxiety start to build in her chest. This was wrong, she thought. Even though she wanted him, longed for him this wasn’t right. She wasn’t supposed to feel this way.
Spike felt her tense up and frowned at her. “Buffy? I-I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that… Was it-“
“N-no, I just…” Buffy trailed off at loss of words before she pulled out of Spike’s embrace and stood up. “It isn’t supposed to be like this, I’m not supposed to…”
Spike waited for her to continue but the words never came. “Supposed to be like… what?” He asked.
“Not like… this!” She exclaimed. “Why do things never go my way?” Buffy continued, more to herself than to Spike. "Listen… I've been hurt before and I.....I need time. I need to learn to trust again before something can come of anything..... and I don't know if there will be a something. But I really would like to get to know you better. I-Is that okay?"
”I didn’t ask for anything else,” Spike implied, tilting his head. “Of course it is okay, Buffy. I know it’s weird after such short time but…” Spike took a step back and scratched the back of his neck with his hand, glancing down. “When I think of the idea of… losing you, it’s…”
Buffy waited for him to continue with a frown on her face. Finally, he glanced up and looked into her eyes. “I can’t stand it. I just want to get to know you a little more, that’s all I ask for. As a friend.”
Buffy regarded him for a moment, searching for something in his eyes. What was she looking for? An answer? A sign that all he said was a lie? She didn’t know. What she did know though was that she saw how sincere he was and when she realized how pleading his eyes was she made up her mind.
“Alright.”
Spike seemed taken back by her answer and swallowed. “Alright?”
“Alright as in I also want to get to know you more. But there’s just something I want to ask first… One thing I feel that I need to know of before…” She mumbled, while she took a step back. “About… About Drusilla.”
The name of his ex made Spike tilt his head with a slight frown. “What’s her story?”
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Thank you so much for all reviews, and I know that it was kinda evil leaving it there so my guess would be that you won't like me at the end of this chapter either ;)
Like I said before, I won't be able to update for about five-six days or so, but when I come home there will be lots of updates :) Thank you so much for all your support, I'm so happy that you like what I write!
A big hug to the best beta Chriss!
Like I said before, I won't be able to update for about five-six days or so, but when I come home there will be lots of updates :) Thank you so much for all your support, I'm so happy that you like what I write!
A big hug to the best beta Chriss!