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Author's Chapter Notes:
I'm so so so sorry for the big delay but life's been crazy the last weeks. But just because you waited so long I will give you a longer chapter :)

Anyway, I hope I didn't lose you guys during those weeks. I'll try to update soon again!

Thanks to Chriss or being my beta and to all of you lovely reviwers!
Chapter 34- Should I Stay?

When Spike came to pick Buffy up later that night she sensed something was going on with him. He seemed… elated as he drove the old black Desoto towards his apartment. For a moment she was worried he might suspect what was going on with her, but then it would only be easier for her to explain everything for him, wouldn’t it?

Maybe, but she never got that answer because when she got a good look at his face she could tell it was something else. If he had known she was pregnant, with his child, he wouldn’t have that weird smile on his lips. Right? Shouldn’t he be disappointed with her for not telling him at least? Yeah, that’s what she thought and that was proof enough for Buffy to make the decision that he did not know.

But something was up.

His rhythmic thumping with his fingers against the steering wheel and the slight humming he had going made her sure that whatever was on his mind was happy thoughts and the flashing smile was just the finishing touch.

“Spike?” Buffy tried and tilted her head to the side as she watched him turn his head towards her.

He grinned at her and then let his eyes wander back to the road. “Yeah, pet?”

“Uh… Are you, uh... I mean, is everything all right with you?” She asked with pensively with an arched eyebrow. Buffy watched Spike turn back to her with a confused expression on his face, but that did not erase his happy smile.

“What do you mean?”

Buffy almost started to stutter against her own will and she had to smack herself mentally to stabilize her voice. “I just… You seem awfully… cheery?”

Okay, now you’re creeping me out, she thought for herself as the grin only widened at that statement.

“Well, maybe I am.”

“Care to tell me why?” Buffy asked sweetly which made Spike turn his head back to her, entranced by her amazing small smile. His eyes stayed attached to her face for a few moments, taking in her beautiful profile. Her golden hair was glowing as the sun hit it through the windows of the car and made her Californian natural tan look even more enthralling.

“Well?” Buffy intrigued and Spike had to snap out of his admiration.

“I’ll tell you…” He started and finished with an evil smirk, “but not now.”

Buffy pouted but accepted his reply, not seeing Spike’s lustful eyes follow her as she looked straight forward again as they were approaching Spike’s building.

Damn, woman, do you know what you do to me?



“This was delicious, Spike,” Buffy complimented later that evening, picking up her napkin and carefully drawing it over her mouth to make sure there weren’t any rests left from the meal.

Spike smiled back at her. “Thank you. I’m glad you liked it.”

“Have you ever thought about being a chef?”

“Nah,” Spike said pensively, “I enjoy doing it but I don’t think I’d stand to work in a kitchen 24/7 for the rest of my life. That’s not really my thing.”

“I can understand that, you’re not one who’d be sitting in an office either. You belong outside, or in the studio with the band,” she added with a slight roll of her eyes that only made Spike chuckle.

“Thought you said you liked my music.”

“I do,” Buffy said, “it’s just so… you, I guess.”

“Me?” Spike frowned and she nodded, picking up her fork and started pushing the remaining food around on her plate.

“Yeah, you know the bad boy image and the music. It’s just so you.”

Spike laughed. “I’m not really following you around that bend, love, but I guess I’ll take it as a compliment?”

“Definitely,” Buffy smiled evilly and then glanced back to her plate again, sensing the uncomfortable feeling slowly approaching again as the silence fell over the room. For a few minutes she had been able to forget about it and everything seemed like it was, just a week ago. But nothing lasts forever.

I have to do it. It’s now or never, she thought with a racing heart. Better get it over with, right? But what if he reacted like in her nightmares? She wasn’t sure she could take being rejected like that. He may think that it was all too soon and too complicated, they had after all only known each other for a few weeks even if it felt like an eternity. Buffy knew that if he didn’t want to be in this baby’s life she would respect that. She made a choice of having it, one that Spike couldn’t decide.

I can’t get my hopes up. He already has Lily as his responsibility and even if she’s an angel she can be a hand full. Would Spike really be up for helping her out with another one? And where would they live? She had her family in the states and he lived here. Buffy knew he wouldn’t want to leave his family, especially not after what had happened with his mother. Spike felt some sort of responsibility for Chelsea even if that was Giles’s territory but it was understandable.

And money? Where would they get money from?

So many questions with no answer, she needed one right now.

“Spike…”

“Buffy…”

The pair looked up at each other and opened their mouths for a few seconds, waiting for the other one to continue, but then burst out laughing as they realized the silliness of the situation.

“You go first,” Spike said, waving at her with his hand in order for her to continue but Buffy shook her head.

“No, it’s not that important,” Buffy replied. Liar.

Spike seemed to hesitate for a moment before he ponderingly answered. “Alright.” He scooted the chair closer to the table and clasped his hands together, unclenching and clenching them. Buffy found herself staring at the scene his hands were performing before she snapped out of it and instead glanced to his face, his very… troubled face.

A frown appeared between her eyebrows as she tilted her head. “What is it?”

Buffy saw how he clenched his jaw and kept his eyes downcast for a few more moments without answering. Finally he looked up and met her eyes.

“Buffy, there’s something I have to tell you.”

Fear filled her chest at that statement but she nodded and tried not to show it. “Fair enough.”

“I had a call the other day,” he started.

“A call?” Buffy’s eyes widened. “Oh, please don’t tell me it was Angel. Or my dad. I thought he had changed! Well, not Angel… He is and will always be a prick, but my father really seemed to understand that – “

“Buffy, no,” Spike said shaking his head, barley able to prevent the smile from reaching his lips. She was adorable when she rambled. “It’s not about that.”

Buffy still seemed uncertain and looked at him suspiciously. “No?”

“No. As a matter of fact, it was a call from abroad, but not from someone you know. I haven’t told anyone about this yet, Buffy, but I thought you would be the first one to know.”

As she kept her eyes glued to Spike’s form the frown didn’t disappear. She couldn’t make out whether he was nervous, happy or angry and it was starting to freak her out. By the way that he kept glancing away from her she was fearing the worst.

He let out a deep sigh and shifted his weigh on his forearms. “Buffy…”

Definitely a worst case scenario.

“What is it?”

But then his actions surprised her. She even flinched as the beam graced his lips in the biggest smile she had ever seen, one that reached his eyes and made them sparkle with happiness.

“Spike…?”

“I got a contract!”

Whatever she was going to say was forgotten when she heard him break the news and her mouth was left ajar in clear shock. A contract? He had gotten a contract? But that’s good news, Buffy thought confused as her brain tried to make out all the new information, he’s finally been discovered by some agent who wants his music.

“Oh my god, congratulations, Spike!” Buffy smiled and leant over the table to squeeze his hands. “That’s so great, I knew you’d finally break through.”

Spike was grinning like a mad man and Buffy had to suppress the urge to laugh at his childish expectations. He squeezed her hand in appreciation and then stood up, obviously to hyper to be able to sit down. He started pacing the room and ran a hand through his hair, still with the smile plastered to his face.

“I still can’t believe this…” He said, more to himself than to Buffy. “Sure, I have always been sort of dreaming about getting a contract but I never thought I’d actually get one, you know?”

Buffy nodded and waited for him to really let the fact sink in.

“And I’m so glad you were this supportive about it,” he added and finally came to a stop in front of her. Buffy frowned at him and stood up from her chair to meet him.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Buffy curiously asked with a tilt of her head.

Spike looked at her for a moment and then reached his hand out to run a hand through her golden hair. Buffy couldn’t help but close her eyes at the feeling of his hands touching her hair. Soon his hand, however, ran to her cheek and caressed his softly, making her look at him.

“I don’t know, I was just… I thought since we only just started hanging out and…” At loss of words, Spike let out a frustrated sigh and smiled at her. “I honestly don’t know what I’m trying to say.”

“Me neither,” she laughed and pressed a soft kiss to his lips, but she pulled away before it would get carried away and put her arms around his neck instead. “I’m really happy for you, Spike. I know how much you love to sing and this chance you got is – “

“Wait, what?”

Buffy watched his face crumble into a frown as he stared at her. “Huh?”

“What did you say?”

“I said I was happy for you,” Buffy repeated, a little confused by his sudden change. “People will love to hear your voice, it’s truly beautiful.”

“Buffy…” Spike began shaking his head. “I won’t be singing.”

Now it was Buffy’s time to frown. “Oh, so you will be playing the guitar? Well, that’s great, too, you sure are a talent.”

“No,” he interrupted abruptly, “Buffy, it has nothing to do with music.”

“No? But you said you got a contract and I thought you –“

“I got a call from a Lindsey McDonald, he offered me a place in a surfing tournament.” When Buffy didn’t answer anything, just looked at him in bewilderment he continued, once again letting the grin spread out on his lips. “It’s one of the biggest competitions in the world, Buffy! And they choose me!”

Buffy felt like a fish on land, gasping for air. She tried to clear her throat and barley managed to choke out an answer. “Oh, I just assumed it was…”

Spike didn’t seem to notice Buffy’s nervousness as he continued to ramble. “Apparently he was here in Cornwall during the competition fiasco. He saw me surf when I tried to get to Connor and took pictures of it.”

“He did? How come we didn’t notice him?”

“He was standing further away,” Spike explained eagerly. “And when Lindsey got home he talked to his bosses and they all agreed on letting me take this chance.”

“Did you…” Buffy began, already knowing the answer. “Did you say yes?”

“Of course I did!” Spike exclaimed and Buffy couldn’t help the sinking feeling in her heart. “This is a chance of a lifetime. I wanted you to be the first one to know.”

Buffy was trying to collect her thoughts as he kept smiling at her. If he was going to join this competition, then he would be away for a long time, wouldn’t he? Sure, Buffy wasn’t aware of all the rules and such as in the surfing world. All she knew she had learnt from Spike, but she suspected those competitions weren’t just for a day or two. More like weeks.

Being snapped back to reality by Spike calling her name, she forced a smile and swallowed. “That’s amazing, Spike. Uh, for how long will you be gone?”

“It starts off in three months and ends five months later.”

“Ten months?” Buffy cried out in shock but instantly flinched at her voice. “Ten months?”

Spike was happy. She could see it in his eyes, in his body language… Everything just screamed clear happiness about him and she couldn’t believe she was actually just standing here and acting like a spoiled little brat.

Of course he would be happy, he’d been stuck in Cornwall for the most of his life. When a chance like this strikes he wouldn’t miss it for the world… And not for me, she added dreadfully.

“I doesn’t really matter if I win or not, I mean just the publicity would help me for the rest of my life and the money… It’s amazing, I can’t believe it really happened,” he ended with a dreamy smile, looking at her and waiting for her reaction. “Don’t you think?”

I can’t tell him.

“Sure I am,” Buffy told him, suddenly feeling dizzy. She needed to get out of here and now. “Uh, listen I think I’m gonna head back to my place.”

Buffy felt her heart ache when his smile fell from his face and instead was replaced by a puzzled and disappointed expression. “Buffy?”

“I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?” She continued as she went to pick up her purse. Spike watched her walk around the room to collect her things and when she finally turned around to face him again he couldn’t make out if she was actually telling him the truth.

“Are you okay?” He asked worriedly.

“Never been better. I just need to rest a bit, the doctors told me to,” she lied. “It’s been a long day so I think I’ll just get some rest.”

When Spike gave her a disbelieving look she offered him a reassuring smile and caressed his cheek softly. “I’m fine, Spike. I’ll call you tomorrow.”

Spike caught her hand and pressed his palm to hers. “I can drive you home.”

But she shook her head. “No, I need the fresh air. Believe me, I can take care of myself,” she added.

Letting out a breath of defeat Spike nodded. “All right, then. Call me in the morning?”

“Always. See ya.” Buffy started to walk out of the room, feeling like the room was overheated and that she needed to get out as soon as possible. But she only got a few metres away before she felt Spike grabbed her arm and turn her back towards him.

“Spike, I – “

Her words were silenced by Spike’s lips crashing down on hers, draining her on every small willpower that were left. He ran his tongue over her lips and she parted them to allow him access, making them moan in unison.

But it all ended just too soon when breathing started to become a problem and they were forced to pull apart. Spike leant forward and rested his forehead on hers, touching her cheeks with his hands. “Call me?” He asked with a small smile.

Buffy bit her lip and nodded with tears in her eyes as she dislodged herself from his arms and went out of the room, out of his life.



She was surprised she didn’t cry until she got to her place, but as she actually did cry she couldn’t stop. The tears fell as she quietly sobbed against the pillow in her bed, squeezing it harder and harder.

Why didn’t I just tell him? She kept questioning herself but she knew the answer and she knew Spike. If she would have told him about the baby then he would have skipped the competition, everything. And even if that made everything so much simpler Spike wouldn’t have been happy about it in the end and Buffy would have felt bad for it, for the rest of her life.

I can’t be that selfish.

Inhaling sharply and trying to gather herself again she closed her eyes. What am I supposed to do now?

One thing she knew for sure, that if she stayed here she would fail and tell him. Therefore, she needed to leave. Leave this country.

Her heart clenched as she realized what she was leaving behind, friends, a place she loved… and a man she most definitely loved even more. But it was all for the better, right? If she left now she wouldn’t have to deal with talking to Spike in the morning. There shouldn’t be too much of a problem to get an earlier flight away.

Oh, god… I’m actually doing this on my own…

She knew she’d have to tell Spike someday because it was just plain unfair if she kept the fact from him that he had a son or a daughter. But she would tell him after this whole surfing thing was over, maybe after that she would find the courage to finally say what she wanted to.

I won’t keep him from getting what he wants, and that’s the surfing.

With that, Buffy started to pack her belongings.





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