Chapter 35 - Made Up My Mind
To say Spike was worried was an understatement. He was beyond that, and the more time went on, the more anxious he got.
Buffy had acted weird earlier, strangely weird. For the last couple of days she’d seemed off, not really herself anyway. And then at dinner everything had felt like it used to – until the point when he was about to break the news.
Come to think of it, she had actually also wanted to share something with him, something he hadn’t gotten the chance to hear before she rushed out of the house.
That was the second weird thing she’d done that night. Buffy had actually seemed happy about Spike’s opportunity at first, saying that he deserved it and all. But when she realized it was about surfing, everything changed. Why? Did it really matter?
Have no bloody clue, he sighed to himself as he was lying slouched out in the sofa. And now they hadn’t had time to talk about the stuff, and with that being said the things about them. Spike had spent the last day thinking everything out. He would talk to her, tell her how he felt about her and then they would decide what to do with their lives after that. If she felt the same, that is, and how weird it may have sounded – he kind of knew she felt something for him, too. Maybe not love, but something and that was enough right now.
Was she upset because he was going to be away for so long? Or was it because he just told her out of the blue? The thing was, the time away from each other wouldn’t be a problem. Of course he’d miss her terribly, but Spike had called Lindsay earlier that day and asked if it was possible for him to come home in between the competitions. It was going to cost him a lot, but it would indeed be possible.
And there it was. His plan. His plan which right now seemed utterly screwed up.
“Bloody hell, who am I kidding?” He murmured and rolled his eyes at himself. “I gotta go talk to her in the morning.”
And so he did. The next morning he was up early but he couldn’t bring himself to actually go until the time was almost eleven.
Anxiously he drummed his fingers against the steering wheel in time with the music blasting out of the speakers, slightly humming for himself. Even if this was some kind of relief, to actually go talk to her, he couldn’t deny that he was nervous.
What if she ditches me? Maybe she wasn’t planning on this being a real relationship? Maybe she…
As Spike turned into the front porch of her little cottage he could feel that something was wrong. The lights were off, drawn curtains and the backyard seemed to have been cleaned up. Pushing away his worries, he went for the door and knocked on it, lightly at first.
He waited for a few seconds and then frowned when he didn’t get an answer. She should be up by now, he thought while glancing at his clock. He shrugged and once again knocked, this time a little harder.
When there was still no response he started to feel a bit panicked, but it was probably nothing right? Maybe she was out for a run or something…
“Buffy!” He couldn’t help but yell while letting his fist connect with the door one last time.
“Oh, for the love of God, can you stop that bleeding sound?”
Spike’s eyes widened as he heard a voice, for a moment thinking it was Buffy before he realized the sound came from behind. Confused, he turned around and was met by the neighbor lady who was standing on her veranda, glaring at him madly with her arms crossed over her chest.
Embarrassed Spike ran a hand through his hair and put on a smile. “I’m sorry, I hope I didn’t wake you up.”
The old lady scoffed soundly. “Oh, you are? What are you doing? Not everyone is as young and healthy as you youngsters.”
“I’m very sorry, I was only trying to wake up my friend but she seems to be either deep asleep or gone,” Spike finished with a quick glance at the door.
“I would say the last one.”
Snapping his head back to Buffy’s neighbor a frown appeared between his eyebrows. “I-I’m sorry… What did you say?”
Rolling her eyes, the she let out a deep sigh. “I said, I’d reckon the last one.”
“What do you mean?”
“I simply mean that a cab came here and picked her up last night.”
More confused than ever Spike shook his head. “A cab?”
“Yes. Yes, a cab,” she told him, apparently bored. “I just happened to see her while I was up, checking what that awful noise came from and obviously it was the bloody car.”
“You’re saying she left?” Spike choked out. “Where? The airport?”
The neighbor shrugged. “I wouldn’t know, but I guess she did. The girl had her bags with her. I have to say it’s a pity, she was a very loveable girl. Waved goodbye at me,” she added a bit giddy. “So, I think you should better stop that knocking right the way, mister. No one’s going to open it anyway.”
With that she closed the door and left Spike standing on Buffy’s porch with a troubled expression on his face. Shocked, he slumped down on the stairs staring straight ahead.
Oh god. I lost her.
2 Months Later
“Spike I’ve been trying to reach you but clearly you haven’t heard my messages. Anyway, call me as soon as possible. Tara and I miss you.”
Click.
“Spike, can you come down to the bar sometime this week? I’ve been wanting to talk to you. And Lily misses her home. Call me!”
Click.
“Oh, for god’s sake, Spike! Don’t you understand what you’re doing to Lily? She’s been abandoned twice in her life, she doesn’t need you of all people to follow her parents’ footsteps!”
Click.
“Spike, listen to me. I know about Buffy. She came by and talked to me before she left. That’s why I wanted to talk to you. Please, call me back. You’re starting to freak me out. And the kids miss their coach. Please, Spike.”
Letting out a deep sigh Spike deleted the last message from Willow and slumped down in the couch once more for what felt like the hundredth time during the last two months. The last two months with no Buffy.
He had never felt this down before and it scared him. He had tried to go back to the life he was used to when he found out that Buffy had left but it didn’t work. As much as it disturbed him; he missed her. Missed hanging out with her, missed kissing her, missed waking up with her on his side…
He may not be the same William as he once was but pieces of him were still there, close to his heart. The awful poet in him was dying to write something, anything but Spike did everything in his power to pull him back. If he was going to write something it had to be a song and not poetry.
But Spike didn’t feel like doing that either. He didn’t feel like doing much at all these days. Lily had been spending a lot of time with Willow and Tara because he didn’t want her to see how depressed he was. But obviously it was starting to effect her in a bad way.
Covering his face with his hand Spike let out another deep sigh. If he didn’t try to change into the person he once was, there would be consequences, starting with Lily. He loved the little girl and didn’t want her to suffer just because he was too selfish to pull himself together.
That was one reason to why Spike had sent her to Willow and Tara for the time being.
When the phone started to ring again he couldn’t help but let out a chuckle, knowing it was Willow even without answering. He had good friends that cared for him, and what did he do? Suddenly shame filled his heart and he made a quick decision.
Walking into the bathroom he stood in front of the mirror and shook his head at what he saw of his reflection. The dark roots were starting to become visible and his locks had the original twist he so badly wanted to straighten out.
Spike’s cheekbones looked even sharper than they usually were at lack of food and hunger. He had to do some changes before he went to see Willow.
“I’m sorry, we’re clo – Spike!” Willow shrieked when she got a good look at the person standing in the doorway into the bar. She threw the towel on the bar and ran towards him with a happy smile on her face but when she got closer, the smile faded instantly.
“Not happy to see me?” Spike tried with a slight smile.
“What the hell have you done to yourself?”
“Hey, I’m looking… good.”
Willow raised an eyebrow. “Yeah. How much have you eaten during the last few weeks? A sandwich?”
“That’s not fair, Willow, I – “
“You know what else isn’t fair? What you’ve done to Lily,” Willow declared and Spike sighed.
“I know that but I didn’t want her to see me like the wreck I was, Will. You know I don’t want to harm her in any way.”
“But you do,” Willow snapped and raised a pointing finger at him for good measure. “I know you’re not doing it on purpose but it’s happening anyway. I’m not trying to be insensitive about this whole thing with Buffy, I know it hurts but – “
“What makes you think it’s just about that,” Spike broke her off. She gave him an ‘are you kidding me’-look and sighed.
“You liked her, very much and I know she was really fond of you too,” she replied softly. “It’s only natural for you to be hurting like this.”
Spike opened his mouth to argue but stopped himself half way when he realized that she was actually right. Sighing in defeat he ran a hand through his hair. “Maybe… But I’ll get better, I promise. That’s why I came to talk to you.”
“So this is not about Buffy?” Willow asked, pointing from herself to Spike and back again. He shook his head in denial.
“It’s not.”
“But you miss her?”
“Bloody hell, Willow! What are you trying to make me do?” Spike let out. “Is this some bleeding interrogation?”
Willow nodded knowingly and stated; “You do miss her. Okay. So why aren’t you even trying to get in contact with her?”
“I did!”
“I don’t know much about research and stuff but I wouldn’t call sitting around moping in your apartment while you slowly let your life go under is searching for Buffy.”
“Well, I wouldn’t either,” Spike snapped before he frustrated ran a hand through his hair. He took a steadying breath to try and calm himself down. “And that’s not what I’ve been doing.”
“Yeah, right.”
“It’s not! I’ve done everything I could, Willow!”
“Like what?”
“Like contacting the company that Buffy rented her house from,“ Spike started and held up his hand in front of her while counting on his fingers as if to prove what he’d done. “They won’t give me any information, I ran towards the airport only to find out that the last flight to America went the night earlier when I was sitting at home planning how I was supposed to tell her how I really felt about her.”
Willow bit her lip and looked at him sheepishly. “I didn’t know that…”
“And I’ve tried to search after her name and guess what? Buffy Summers does not exist.” Willow, who had had her eyes on the ground during the last preach, snapped her eyes back up to him, wide with confusion.
“What do you mean?”
“It’s not her real name. There is no such person as Buffy Summers in California, if that’s where she lives, I don’t know. Maybe she even lied about her own name, where she came from…”
“Spike, wait – “
“And Hank Summers probably has a hidden identity because it was impossible for me to find him anywhere so that leaves me back on square one. But don’t you bloody say that I haven’t done anything because I have.”
“Spike! Would you just shut up for a second? I know I may have been too hard on you but I thought you had only been giving it all up.”
“I might as well do just that, there is no way I’m going to make contact with her again, with her fake name and all…”
Willow’s next move surprised him. Even if he was standing there, close to just slump down in the bar and drown his sorrows in a bottle of Jack Daniels, which he knew she could see, she smiled. The bint’s actually smiling.
“Did you do a search on Buffy Summers?” Willow smirked slightly which only caused him to glare at her.
“Yes, I told you,” he answered confused. “But there was nothing.”
“Well, you didn’t by any chances run the name Elisabeth?”
Spike frowned. “No, why the bloody hell would I do that?”
“Because it’s her name, Spike,” Willow finished and watched a series of emotions play out on Spike’s face.
“Her… her name?”
“Her name. Buffy is only a nick name that her mother’s calling her, she told me a few weeks ago.”
“Why didn’t she tell me about it?”
“She says she likes the name Buffy more, that it suits her.” She shrugged. “Elisabeth was a bit too fancy I guess.”
“Can I borrow your computer?”
A/N: Spike rushes off to the computer... What do you guys think? Please comment :)
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Okay, first - so, so sorry for the lack of updates! I had this half finished ut I just couldn't get the rest down until a week ago and then with the holidays... Anyway, here it finally is and there's not too much left now.
I'll update Everlasting Love in the next few days too!
Thanks for all the lovely reviews and of course to the incredible Chriss! Special thanks to Pet, GEO and Sotia for trying to help me find out what the problem was when I tried to post this :)
I'll update Everlasting Love in the next few days too!
Thanks for all the lovely reviews and of course to the incredible Chriss! Special thanks to Pet, GEO and Sotia for trying to help me find out what the problem was when I tried to post this :)