Chapter 38 - So Far Away
“Spike, it’s yours.”
The words seemed to be ringing in his head, going round, round, round and making him more and more confused than he already was. Just because of those three simple words.
Spike, it’s yours.
Suddenly it all made sense, how she had been acting the last week in Cornwall. How she had fainted in the store for example. And that night when he told her about surfing, was she going to tell him then?
Through all this, he had thought it was Angel’s and now she was telling him it was his?
I’m going to be a father.
The confusion was quickly replaced by happiness and relief, because honestly he didn’t think he’d be able to disguise his jealousy any longer. To pretend he was not dying to play the father to their child, even though it wasn’t his, to be her husband, lover… But he had nothing to be jealous about any longer, it was his child. Buffy’s and his. The woman he loved.
The woman who had run away, leaving him behind without telling him.
Buffy watched the series of emotions being played in Spike’s face. It started with a shocked expression, but could she blame him? Then she thought she saw his lip twitch into a small smile and she couldn’t help but feel so much more at ease at that. Because if he smiled, that meant Spike was okay with it right?
Then it all changed.
One second he was in front of her, the next he was standing up with so much force he nearly knocked Buffy off her chair. Buffy frowned at him.
“Spike?”
“When were you going to tell me?”
Spike shocked her with the strength of his voice and Buffy couldn’t help but flinch as he stared at her, hurt mixed with anger flashing in his eyes. She opened her mouth to explain but the words just didn’t come out. She wanted to tell him, but what could she tell him?
“I was going to, I –“
“Oh, you were!” He laughed sarcastically, interrupting her explanations. “When exactly? Right before you run off or maybe later? God…”
Feeling the need to move he started pacing in front of her, running a desperate hand through his hair. It was unbelievable how fast something good can turn into something bad. All of this new information… It was too much to take. He was happy, angry… He was feeling emotions he couldn’t even name and it was making him absolutely crazy.
“How could you just…” Spike started again. “How could you not tell me?”
“You need to listen, Spike,” Buffy once again began with a surprisingly calm voice considering how she was feeling on the inside. “I was going to tell you, but I… I was scared.”
“Scared? So scared you rather have our baby on your own?” He let out a small scoff and gave her a disbelieving sight. “That makes no sense.”
“I know it doesn’t and I was being irrational,” Buffy said as she stood up to face him, only to have him move back a couple of feet. She bit her lip to not show that the simple movement hurt her and instead went on babbling.
“But, Spike… You had just told me about this great opportunity. I couldn’t drop the news about… my state after that.”
“Why?” Spike challenged stubbornly.
“Because I know you’re a good man, and you would’ve done what was best for me. Not for you. I didn’t want you to give up surfing just because of me.”
“Bloody hell, Buffy, I would have given it all up for you! None of that would’ve mattered.”
“And that’s exactly what I didn’t want you to do,” Buffy finished, looking him closely in the eye to show him she was being serious.
Spike continued to look at her in disbelief. He couldn’t understand how she could do that. Didn’t he have the right to know that he was going to be a father? Wasn’t he the one to decide whether he wanted to be a part of its life or not? He loved her, there was no way in hell he would’ve let her go because of some stupid surfing.
Realizing he hadn’t answered, just stared at her he snapped out of his daze and turned his attention back to her. Taking a deep breath he tried to calm himself down.
“That was not for you to decide,” he said quietly and Buffy looked down, his voice hitting her right in the heart. He was hurt, that was obvious.
“Spike, I only wanted what was best for you. No, listen to what I have to say,” she snapped him off when he started to intervene, needing to get this out. “Don’t you think I would’ve felt guilty for the rest of my life if I ruined your chance of finally breaking through? I know I didn’t think it through, entirely, but it felt right at the moment. Spike, you have to realize how much it hurt me to leave. It was not an easy decision…”
“You don’t think I was hurting?” Spike asked. “I’ve been a wreck for weeks, leaving the surfing for a friend, avoiding everyone.... Lily’s not even living with me anymore and I –“
“Wait, what? Where’s Lily?” Buffy cut him off, worry filling her.
“Would you care?”
“Of course I would,” Buffy let out. “I care about her.”
“Huh, could’ve fooled me,” Spike mumbled and turned his back on her. Buffy watched him walk about the room and couldn’t help but sigh. She wanted to explain, she wanted him to understand but Buffy also knew that was too much to ask.
“Spike… If I had told you then that I was pregnant you would’ve let the surfing go.”
“Damn right I would’ve.”
“But if you had, wouldn’t you always have been wondering how things could’ve been? You got the chance of a lifetime and I don’t want to destroy it.”
“You wouldn’t even let me explain it to you! I talked to the manager and he said I could have a few weeks off now and then. And coming home once in a while wouldn’t be impossible. You would’ve known that if you just stayed for two bloody seconds but well, you didn’t.”
“Spike, please,” Buffy began, her voice thick with emotion. She didn’t know what to say. At the moment, the hard decision to leave had after all felt right because she knew she wouldn’t destroy his life. But now, seeing him this angry and hurt – she couldn’t understand why she left.
“If I hadn’t come here,” Spike asked, feeling the need to ask the question,” would you have ever told me about the baby?”
Buffy stared at him, feeling her heart clench as she glanced down towards the floor, unable to look at him. “I don’t know… At some point, I think I would’ve but then all that I went through when I left would have been for nothing, you know?”
“So why go through it at all then?”
“I told you, I did what I – “
“- thought was right, yeah, so you keep telling me,” Spike cut her off, and crossed his arms over his chest.
“I’m sorry.”
When Spike just scoffed Buffy felt desperate, worried that he’d leave. “I mean it, Spike. I really am sorry. I wish I could go back in time and change it but I can’t. I’ll have to live with that. But we could make things better now.”
“You can’t just expect me to forget about all that, Buffy,” Spike suddenly let out a bit outraged. “You could’ve been lying to me for years before you would’ve told me anything.” Putting up his hands in the air, he shook his head. “I can’t do this right now.”
Buffy’s eyes widened as she realized he was going for the door. “Please don’t go, Spike. If we could only talk about it…”
“We have talked and did we reach some sort of understanding?” He snapped. “Hm, I’d say no.”
“I told you I did it because I only wanted what was best for you! I didn’t do it because I was selfish. I left because I wanted you to live your life! And yeah I was scared” Buffy let out, finally letting some tears roll down her face. Spike looked away, nearly falling for those tears on her beautiful face.
“You know what the worst part is?” He asked with his back on her. “That through all of this time when I thought you just left ‘cus you got tired of it all, I loved you. But how could I love anyone who would do that?”
Buffy felt like her heart stopped beating for a few second while he told her those words, wanting to say them back but she was in too much of a shock to be able to say that. She looked at him as he reached for the doorknob, opened the door and then closed it after him.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Well, what a surprise huh! It didn't take me too long to update, did it? I hope not at least! I'll send the next chapter of EL to my beta tonight so hopefully I'll update that one too this weekend. Thank you so much for the wonderful reviews! You're the best!