Chapter 39 - Goodbye Again?
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, I’m sorry, Buffy. I don’t know where he’s staying.”
“You’re absolutely certain?”
Willow sighed sadly into the receiver and let her head rest in her hands. Buffy had been calling her for the last hour, desperately asking for help that she could not offer. She knew that Spike had left to go to California but he had only just called to inform her that he had landed safely. After that, which was two days ago, she hadn’t heard a word from him.
“I would tell you if I knew, honey, but I don’t. Spike hasn’t called in days."
It was Buffy’s turn to sigh at the other end of the phone as she ran a hand through her hair. Since Spike slammed the door into her face the other day she had tried to get in contact with him but without any result. She couldn’t find him at any of the hotels nearby and she couldn’t reach him through his cell. Willow was her last chance of finding him before he went back to England and she had to get to him before that.
Before Buffy let her plan go to work everything had seemed to make so much sense, but now, looking back at it, none of it did. She knew she only wanted what was best for him, she still did, but what she hadn’t thought of back then was that he would actually be interested in being a part of her life.
“… Through all of this time when I thought you just left ‘cus you got tired of it all, I loved you.”
Oh, god, he loved me. The simple words she played in her mind warmed her heart. So he was sharing those feelings. She wasn’t a total wreck after the whole Angel story, she was loveable.
“But how could I love anyone who would do that?”
His voice kept whirling inside her head, those hurtful but also so true words echoed like a scream into a cave. The reality hit her like tons of brick falling down from the sky. How different things would’ve been if she hadn’t left. If she only had though a bit differently…
“Buffy? Are you all right?"
Willow’s worried voice awoke her from her thoughts and she shook her head to clear it and swallowed the lump in her throat.
“Yeah, I just – Nothing. Could you do me a favour, Wills? If he calls, could you…?"
“Of course, Buffy. I’ll let him know you tried to contact him.”
“Okay, thanks.”
Putting the receiver back down Buffy was hit by the lonesome and quietness in the house. That and her hormones made the whole thing much worse, and she couldn’t help but let out a small sob. She quickly wiped the rebellious tears away, knowing that crying her ass off like a little baby wouldn’t help her. But what would? Spike could be anywhere, if not in Sunnydale, he could be on his way back to Cornwall right now.
“Spike, where are you?”
Spike looked at the displayer of his cell and studied the amount of missed calls. Willow was one of the many calls, but the majority of them were actually from Buffy. A weird feeling filled him, something he couldn’t really put a name to. Was it anger, sadness, happiness…?
Somehow that meant she cared or maybe only that she wanted to clear her bad conscience.
After leaving Buffy’s home the other day his first thought had been to hit the first bar visible. He spotted a green neon light sign with the text ‘Willy’s Bar’ after a few minutes. Spike had only had to put his foot inside the club to change his mind in an instance.
That was how his old life had been. How he had behaved before Buffy came into his life. He was better than that now, even with her gone and lying and…
Spike had turned on the spot and spent the night walking around the small town. There were not many people out, he only met a few teenagers and elderly people. He took the walk to be able to clear his mind but once he got back to the hotel he hadn’t cleared up anything that he knew of. If anything, he was only more messed up by the time he entered his room.
Somewhere deep inside he could understand her decision of leaving, she thought her pregnancy would cause him troubles in his career and she didn’t want that for him. So far he began to understand. But then there was the whole thing about not telling him. What if Spike hadn’t gone to Sunnydale? Would she ever tell him then? Maybe years would pass and suddenly before him Buffy would stand with a little mini version of himself.
No, that wouldn’t have been any better than this.
With a sigh he glanced at the cell phone again. She’d at least tried to contact him. Maybe she wanted to tell him something? What if he kept her from explaining everything?
Well, she had her chance yesterday, a little evil voice inside his head told him.
She did have her chance yesterday, but to be fair he had just shown up out of the blue. That gotta be tough.
Spike let out a deep sigh and leant his head against the wall with closed eyes.
“God, Buffy…”
“I’m telling you, Buffy, you don’t have to go to work if you’re not up to it.”
“And I’m telling you, Robin, that I am up for it.”
“Buffy, I was only calling you because I was worried. I just wanted to check if everything was all right, okay?”
Robin watched Buffy pace her office like a mad woman, looking for papers and throwing them all around the room. When he had called her an hour ago he instantly knew something was wrong, but she had refused to tell him. Then she insisted on coming to work, which she had absolutely forgotten about, even though Robin offered her the day off.
“I know that, and I’m very grateful for it,” Buffy told him and he could tell by the sound of her voice that her mind was elsewhere. “But I’d rather be here doing something useful than sitting at home all lonely.”
Robin raised an eyebrow and glanced about the room. “You calling this something useful?”
Buffy stopped her search for papers and turned around to face her friend and boss with her hands on her hips. “You’re complaining about my way of work?”
“God no, I wouldn’t even dare to.”
“Good!” Buffy replied friskily and continued to search the room for maps and papers. Robin could only sigh and shake his head.
“So how did it go with your bleach headed friend?”
He got his answer as Buffy momentarily froze, and then continued doing what she was doing. “Fine,” she mumbled.
“Yeah? Great. So, here’s a guess. Is he the father?”
“That’s none of your business.”
“So it is him!”
“Robin!” Buffy frustrated let out.
“Did you work things out?”
“No offence, Robin,” Buffy began, “but I don’t really wanna talk about this. Could we just drop it, please?"
“All right, then. Just one last question.”
“No!”
“He didn’t know about it, did he?”
As the words reached her ears Buffy couldn’t respond, all the guilt coming back to haunt her. Robin suddenly felt bad for bringing it up, but also relieved that he finally got the truth out of her. It pained him to see his dear friend hurt so much for this idiot who obviously had left her.
Stepping forward to put an arm around her shoulder, he smiled softly at her. “The guy’s a jerk, Buffy. Don’t care about him, you don’t need him. You got lots of friends here willing to help you through this. We’ll be there for you, Buffy.”
Buffy smiled sadly at him and squeezed his hand. “Thank you, that means a lot. But there’s more to it. And for the record, Spike’s no jerk.”
“No?” The principal said with a raised eyebrow. Buffy shook her head.
“He isn’t.”
“Well, a guy that leaves a girl like that oughta be an idiot somehow.”
“He didn’t leave me,” Buffy snapped, suddenly angry with him for lashing it out on Spike.
“He didn’t? Well, I wouldn’t know that, Buffy, since you’re not telling me anything.” Buffy continued glaring at the ground when Robin nudged her side. She was forced to look up into his kind face. “Please, tell me, Buffy.”
Buffy hesitated. “It’s a long story.”
“I got all day.”
She raised an eyebrow in disbelief. “Well, then I sure misunderstood all the other employees’ complaints about how much work we’ve got.”
“Well,” he smiled, “I am the principle. I do whatever I please.”
“Stupid man.”
“Stupid man wants to hear.”
Letting out a deep sigh Buffy sat down on her chair. “All right.”
For the upcoming hour Buffy and Robin sat talking inside her office with the main subject Spike. She told him all about her reason for going to Cornwall, how she met him at the Wiccan and how their relationship developed from there.
“… so, you still think Spike’s a jerk?” Buffy wondered when she finished.
Robin was sitting in front of her desk where usually the students in need of guidance sat, his face impossible to read. His hands were clasped together in front of him as he finally let out a great sigh.
“It was certainly not an… easy position you’ve put yourself in, I have to say.”
“I definitely am not your favourite person in the world.”
“Listen, Buffy. I can’t disapprove and say that what you did was, well let’s face it, a stupid thing to do. I understand how you thought, but you really should’ve talked to this guy before you did something so reckless. I mean, it’s his child – he has a right to know that he’s going to be a father.”
Buffy couldn’t help but hang her head, nodding. “I realize that now but then, in Cornwall… It was all so surreal, we had only known each other for a couple of weeks and he just got an offer of a lifetime.” She sighed and ran a hand through her hair. “I thought I did what was right but now, I can’t see how I could’ve thought that…”
“Only that you realize it was a mistake is a step in the right direction,” Robin added.
“Theoretically, yes but regarding my relationship with Spike, no…”
“Did you talk to him about this?”
“I tried to explain but he was so mad, Robin… So disappointed, hurt…” Spike’s face flashed before her mind and she couldn’t help but flinch. “Can’t say I judge him for being angry with me, it’s the least I deserve.”
Robin watched her for a moment, thinking of what to say but coming up with nothing. She could say she was sorry, that she regretted the whole thing and he could believe her. He did believe her. But what difference would it make if she sat here letting her heart out when the person in question was nowhere around. That’s right. Not a damn thing.
“Buffy, I know this is hurting you. And for you to go dwelling on this when you already have so much to take care of is no good. It’s no good for either you or the baby. You should try to find this guy once more. A last chance to explain.”
“But what will I say? Even if I found him… He wouldn’t want to talk to me. He’s must be disgusted with me.”
Robin smiled a bit. “I don’t think anyone can be.”
Buffy grimaced and ran a hand through her thick hair. “Maybe I just have to realize that I have lost him. I mean… I knew before that… That we would probably never end up together, otherwise I would never have left. But that doesn’t mean I never hoped. When I was with Spike, I could see a future. I could see us moving in together, getting married, having a baby… But not after only a few weeks of friendship. This picture I painted up for myself in my brain was taking years. Realty was moving all too fast for that idea to work out.”
She took a deep breath, trying to let the information sink in. She’d tried everything, except for going to Cornwall of course but she didn’t know if she dared to intrude upon his life like that. Maybe she really had to accept the fact that she had screwed up their future. Her heart clenched as she thought the words.
Buffy had known it, deep down, that she’d lost him the day she left Cornwall. It just hadn’t really sunken in… until now. Until now, she had always had the hope, hope that one day they’d meet again and everything would be fine (well, as fine as it could be). Now she finally understood that Spike was gone.
With a sharp intake of breath tears started to well up in her eyes, threatening to spill over making Robin look at her with a terrified expression. The pain she had been keeping inside for weeks now suddenly coming to a climax, tearing her heart apart.
“Hey…” He put a soothing hand on her shoulder in a comforting manner but it was too late to stop the hysterics. “Buffy, calm down. Breath. Slowly.”
“I-I just…” Buffy hiccupped, tears finally running down her cheeks. “It hurts so bad, Robin. So bad. I don’t know what to do with myself. It feels like I’m breaking into pieces. I lost him… And I love him so much… I love – “
She broke off, not able to speak anymore, the crying making her body shake with the force of her tears.
“Listen, Buffy, I’ll go get something warm for you to drink so that you’ll calm down, okay?” The principal rose from his chair and patted his friend on the arm before he turned around to face the door. “I’ll be right –"
The sudden stop made Buffy wonder what he was doing and she glanced up from the floor to see what had made Robin stop. First she couldn’t see anything - the tears were blurring her eyes. She quickly wiped at them.
Robin was standing in the way with his back against her, blocking her view. She furrowed her eyebrows.
“Robin?”
He didn’t answer right the way, then he slowly turned back to Buffy and stepped out of the way. Someone was standing at the door, someone that made Buffy’s heart leap out of her chest. Someone she longed to hug, to kiss, to comfort… She stopped breathing.
“Spike.”
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Where to start?
Sorry might be a good starting point - I know how boring it is to read an author's excuses to why their story hasn't been updated in so long so I won't go on for long. I just wanted to say that I promised to not leave any of my stories unfinished and that's a promise I'm going to keep, atlhough it might take some time ;)
THANKS to all of you who keeps supporting this story, you have no idea how wonderful you are. *Hugs*
Only one more chapter to go now, and thanks Chriss for betaing!
And to Everlasting Love readers - a chapter is coming - I'm just kind of stuck right now and don't really know where I want the story to go, so if you have ideas - feel free to email me!
Sorry might be a good starting point - I know how boring it is to read an author's excuses to why their story hasn't been updated in so long so I won't go on for long. I just wanted to say that I promised to not leave any of my stories unfinished and that's a promise I'm going to keep, atlhough it might take some time ;)
THANKS to all of you who keeps supporting this story, you have no idea how wonderful you are. *Hugs*
Only one more chapter to go now, and thanks Chriss for betaing!
And to Everlasting Love readers - a chapter is coming - I'm just kind of stuck right now and don't really know where I want the story to go, so if you have ideas - feel free to email me!
Chapter End Notes:
How do you feel toward the last chapter? :)