Chapter 40 - The end or the beginning?
Ever since she was a little girl, Buffy had hated silence. It disturbed her. Why be quiet and endure painful minutes when you could skip that awkward silence? Of course, there were comfortable silences, too, but during her life she had only experienced them a few times.
But now, standing here in front of the man she’d thought she’d never see again – the man she loved – she couldn’t utter a word. It was like someone had ripped her tongue out, preventing her from speaking even if she wanted to. But she was at a loss for words.
Robin glanced between his friend and the blonde man standing in the doorway to his office, an uncomfortable feeling suddenly overtaking him, like he was intruding on something or was in the way. For a moment he considered throwing this Spike guy out, after all he’d hurt one of his closest friends so bad, but then he remembered the story Buffy had just confided to him. Maybe there was more to it, maybe he shouldn’t judge this guy just yet…
Robin’s eyes fell upon Spike’s as he took in his form. With a sinking feeling, he realized that this was a broken man just by looking into his tormented eyes. He didn’t know how much Spike had heard of their talk, but clearly it was enough to evoke some emotion.
His gaze went back to Buffy, looking absolutely stunned by seeing him here with her tearstained face and red eyes. Her mouth was forming an ‘O’ in clear surprise as she watched him without saying a word.
The feeling of being in the way got to him again and he realized that he wanted what was best for his friend and that, he believed, was to leave Buffy alone with Spike for a while. Clearing his throat to get the attention he needed Robin threw Buffy a quick smile.
“Don’t wreck the office, whatever you do.” Then he exited and closed the door.
This time the silence got to Buffy, but she still couldn’t bring herself to say anything. She was stunned by the way Spike looked at her. He looked so… agonized. His expression scared her a bit, she didn’t know how much he had heard of their conversation and what he thought about it. It was definitely scary. She wished she knew what he was thinking.
Spike, who’d had a rough start with the principal, felt a weird gratefulness toward him once he left the office, making him feel unexpectedly horrible for being so angry with him before. He didn’t let this disturb his thoughts for very long though, as his eyes met Buffy’s again and his heart filled with a sudden warmth. Even with her red puffy eyes, she looked beautiful. But her sad and worried expression concerned him. All he wanted to do was to take her in his arms and hug her, kiss her… To forget all about their past visit. Standing this close to the person he loved more than life itself and yet be so far away felt so strange.
After Spike had gone through things with himself during another walk he found himself outside Buffy’s house. On seeing that no one was home, he realized she must be at work. Without really thinking about what he was about to do, he entered Sunnydale High and tracked down her office.
Of course he couldn’t know what he was about to hear.
It feels like I’m breaking into pieces. I lost him…
Oh, she hadn’t lost him. He’d been with her every single minute in his thoughts since the day she’d left. Hearing Buffy cry this out made his heart clench.
And I love him so much…
She loved him. She really did.
None of them knew for how long they’d been quiet now. The sudden sound of a clock ticking made Spike realize he should say something. It seemed like Buffy thought the exact same thing at the same time.
“Buffy, I –“
“Spike –“
None of them finished their sentences. A small smile tugged on Spike’s lips as he anxiously ran a hand through his hair. With a small sigh he took another step into the room, locking eyes with Buffy again.
Her angelic face was suddenly graced with a small smile, similar to his.
“You stayed,” she said, her voice thick with emotions.
He nodded. “I did.”
A rebellious strain of hair fell in front of her eyes and she irritably put it behind her ear, the movement making her look anxious. “I-I tried to call you but…"
“I know,” Spike interrupted and Buffy looked at him. So he didn’t want to answer.
“Oh.”
Seeing her distress, Spike added quickly, “I’m sorry I didn’t answer, I… I needed some time to think things through.”
“Spike, you’ve got nothing to apologize for,” Buffy told him solemnly. “Please, don’t apologize.”
“Buffy-“
“No.” Her emotions quickly overwhelmed her, the anger for letting things go as they did and sadness for knowing what she’d lost. “I did this, it was my decision to leave Cornwall and I realize now that it was a stupid move. Believe me, I truly do. None of it is your fault. I just…”
Realizing she was rambling, she stopped and closed her eyes for a few seconds. “Sorry, old habit…”
A quick flashback to England filled Spike’s memory, the one time she’d started rambling, almost hysterically and had barely been able to stop. The familiar affection once again filled his heart.
“Buffy, listen. We both made mistakes, one after another… Maybe because we’re so damn stubborn, I don’t know.” Buffy made a small, sad chuckle at that. “But leaving you with all the blame like I did the other day was, let’s face it, down right wrong. The thing was that I needed to think and sure, I was angry and sad and… hurt. I won’t deny that. My first thought was to hit the closest bar –“
Buffy’s eyes widened but he raised a hand to stop her. “But I didn’t. I realized that was the old me. That would’ve been me just a year ago and if this had happened back then… Well, the thing is, it wouldn’t have.”
Buffy looked at him in confusion, not really grasping what he wanted to say.
"What I mean is… You’ve changed me. You know how I was before, how I lived my life. It’s not something I’m very proud of. That part of me is something that my family and friends have tried to erase for years with no success and it took you all of a few weeks.”
Buffy bit her lip and felt her cheeks get hot. That was more compliments than she deserved. “Spike…”
“Don’t you see? It’s no wonder I fell in love with you.”
At that, what with her hormones and the situation itself, it broke for Buffy. Tears started to fall again and she slumped down in her chair.
Spike looked at her with worried eyes, altering between stepping forward to comfort her and standing still. He went for a mix, taking a few steps closer but he did not touch her. Instead he sank down to her level on his knees.
“Pet, why are you crying?”
“That’s a stupid question,” Buffy murmured, biting her lip to prevent the tears from falling. “You’re here. After all I’ve done to you, all I put you through, you’re here. And on top of it, you’re saying that you loved me.”
“Love,” he mumbled, almost so quiet she could barely hear it over her sobs. Nevertheless, she did hear him.
“What?”
Glancing away from her, he shrugged. “Not past tense.”
She stared at him for a few seconds before the anger filled her again with sudden fierce. “How could you, Spike?”
He raised an eyebrow. “How could I what? Love you? I’ve already explained that.”
“I know, but I… I left, Spike. Left the country without telling you, without explaining… And most of all, I didn’t tell you about the baby. Your child. Oh God…”
“I won’t lie, Buffy. Seeing you that day, realizing that you had hidden the truth from me, it hurt. I don’t know why you thought that I wouldn’t want you in my life. Sure, we’d only known each other for a short period of time but – “
“I wanted what was best for you,” Buffy said. “I was about to tell you the same day you told me about the competition, but then I realized how all of this must slow you down and I couldn’t. I thought that if I left you’d get a chance to live that dream of yours. You’re so good at what you do, Spike. I was sure you would forget about me once your career was in motion. I would leave, broken and sad, but I would still have a part of you with me… Something to remember you by.”
Swallowing the tears, Buffy hesitantly reached out for his cheek, as if to see if he would turn his face away.
He didn’t.
Once her fingers came in contact with his skin, her heart started to swell at the sight of him closing his eyes and leaning into her palm. They sat like that for a moment, each reliving the feeling of having the other one so close again. Then Spike turned his head and kissed her palm as his right hand came up to grasp hers.
“What made you think we couldn’t have both?” He asked.
“I…” Buffy hesitated. All she’d done seemed so strange now, like it was another person performing her decisions. But it wasn’t, it was Buffy and she had to stand for what she’d done. “God, I don’t know…”
“Because we could’ve… Better yet, we still can.”
Buffy regarded him for a moment and then tilted her head to the side. “What?”
“I want to stay with you, Buffy, if you’ll have me. I want to see our child grow up. I don’t want you to take care of it by yourself.”
Defensively, Buffy frowned, being used to defending herself from all the negative comments she’d gotten from people around her on being a single mother. “I can take care of myself. You don’t need to stay just to make sure we’ll be fine, ‘cus we will. I have my mom, my sister and my friends…”
“I know that, Buffy, and you’re the strongest woman I know. But I don’t want you to do that.”
Buffy once again stared at him for a while. “You’re not just staying for the baby’s sake?”
Spike couldn’t help but laugh. “I thought I made it clear that I love you, and…” He suddenly looked nervous and glanced away from her eyes. “I… I heard you, before I mean. Did you mean it?”
For a moment she didn’t understand what he wanted to know but then she understood, a small sad smile forming on her lips. “I do love you. And I wanted to say it at my house but I couldn’t… I was afraid you wouldn’t believe me. Like I was just sputtering things out to make you stay and… Ugh, I know it sounds lame now.”
She glanced down at their linked hands and squeezed his. “I love you,” she whispered.
Spike had heard the words before but actually hearing them from her to him made him happier than he ever thought he could be. Swallowing the lump in his throat he let go of her hand and instead took her face between his hands.
Buffy’s heart rate sped up as she looked into his eyes, painfully long, and then an angelic smile formed on his face and he captured her lips with his. Reliving the feeling of him again for a few moments, Buffy felt like she was flying. She slowly wound her hands in his hair and pulled him closer, well as close as she could with a stomach in the way.
Spike let out a soft moan as her tongue touched his and suddenly stood up, pulling her with him into a standing position. He put his arms around her waist, drawing her closer as the kissed intensified. All too soon, air started to become an issue and they pulled away, breathlessly resting their foreheads together.
“I love you,” Spike whispered, his voice full of emotion and Buffy gave him a quick kiss again before she hugged him close, resting her head under his chin. “God, I love you so much.”
Even though she was at her happy place, she felt the need to ask. “Spike, are you sure about this?”
He gave her a disbelieving look. “You think I’m not?”
“Just wanted to make sure, I want you to do what’s right for you. Not for me. I love you more than anything but I don’t want you to regret this in the future.”
“I won’t,” he simply replied and kissed her again, making her head spin. She still had the question in mind though.
“Wait, but what about work? Our families, apartments… What about –“
Spike put a finger to her lips. “Do you love me?”
She repeated his words with a small grin. “Didn’t I make that clear before?”
“Then that’s enough for now.”
And he smashed his lips to hers in a searing kiss.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
So people - this is the last chapter!
I will add an epilogue though 'cus I just love 'em :)
THANK YOU to all of you who stayed with me through this story, I know it took veeeery long (I started in 2007 for crying out loud!) but I promised to finish it and I kept my promise :) You guys mean the world to me and I hope you understand just how much I appreciate your reviews! And also a big hug to my betas Chriss and Duchess Michelle, you're the best! And to Buffymon who made my beautiful banner :)
So - thank you all!
I will add an epilogue though 'cus I just love 'em :)
THANK YOU to all of you who stayed with me through this story, I know it took veeeery long (I started in 2007 for crying out loud!) but I promised to finish it and I kept my promise :) You guys mean the world to me and I hope you understand just how much I appreciate your reviews! And also a big hug to my betas Chriss and Duchess Michelle, you're the best! And to Buffymon who made my beautiful banner :)
So - thank you all!
Chapter End Notes:
Only the epilouge left ... ;)