Chapter 26
Knowledge alone is not what's consuming me
No one at home - even when I'm not asleep
Demons are chasing me
Knowing that I can't run
Teasing and taunting me
Round in my mind
Knowledge alone is not what's consuming
Bleed the mind
Drain to see what's inside
What will you find
Something you can't explain
Bleed the mind
Empty the thoughts from there
Asleep inside
Brain activity - rare
Demons are chasing me
Knowing that I can't run
Teasing and taunting me
Round in my mind
Bleed the mind
Until the head is turned
Search the soul - can't find morality
No one at home - lost deep inside my sleep
Search the soul - look past the hollow stare
Find my soul
Demons are chasing me
Knowing that I can't run
Teasing and taunting me
Round in my mind
Bleed the mind
Until the head is
Until the head is turned
“Bleed” – Flotsam and Jetsam
-------
Spike drove as fast as he could get away with to Charlotte’s apartment, visions of horror playing through his mind. God only knows what had happened to her – there was just as much to worry about from the human world, as the supernatural.
The manager must have spotted the Viper as he drove in, for the pudgy little man came bustling towards Spike as he parked the car close to her door.
“Have you seen Charlotte?” Spike barked.
The manager pulled up short, drawing himself up to his full height of 5’5”. “I don’t know if I should answer that, young man.”
Spike interrupted. “Listen, mate, that girl is like family to me, and sometimes family argues, but all I’ve ever done is try to look out for her, so point your suspicion somewhere else, alright? Have you seen her?”
The manager believed him, somehow. “No, I have not. It’s Tuesday evening…yes, early Monday morning, I was making my rounds, and I found Miss Taylor’s door ajar. I looked around for any sign of burglary, and there was none, so I locked the door, thinking she must have been in a hurry and didn’t latch it. But, her car hasn’t moved. I was concerned, but there appears to be no crime, so what can I do?”
“I’m sure there’s a good explanation. Thanks, Mr.….”
“Padakis. Tell Miss Taylor to drop by, when you see her, okay?”
Spike smiled and nodded, trying to reassure the man enough that he would leave him to conduct his own investigation. It seemed to work, as Mr. Padakis toddled off back towards his flat. The vampire let himself in and extended his senses. He had no need to turn on the light.
The main room didn’t look or smell out of the ordinary, though it was cleaner than usual. Spotless, in fact. Normally, Charlotte kept a comfortably clean home, but the smell of Lysol lingered still after a couple days. The bedroom seemed the same, except for the bed, which was unmade. The sheets smelled faintly of sweat and…fear? Spike checked the closet next, puzzled further by the sight of all her shoes still being on the rack. Her clothes had been reorganized since the last time he’d glanced in here – it looked like a neat freak had taken over. He switched off the light and stepped into the final place for clues, the bathroom.
It sparkled and smelled slightly of bleach. He started looking through the drawers and cabinets. Thinking on it, he realized he probably hadn’t talked to Charlotte in a month, cursing his own tunnel vision when it came to Buffy. He hadn’t even noticed that his friend had stopped calling or dropping by. The search finally proved fruitful when his hand felt a baggie taped to the underside of the sink. He pulled it out into the light, and cursed.
Bloody buggering fuck… Drugs?! Of all the stupid, brain dead… Why?! Spike stared at the bag of dingy white rocks and paraphernalia, stunned. He had to be missing something. Standing, he opened the medicine cabinet door and started checking the labels on the bottles. Prescription sleeping pills…some Chinese herb…energy pills… Think, think, think!
He paced in the bedroom, trying to make the puzzle pieces fit. A person as private as Charlotte…she had to have a diary somewhere. He knew her – there were too many thoughts in that pretty head for her not to have an outlet…and if she couldn’t talk to a person… The nightstand didn’t produce a book, so Spike started sifting through the chest of drawers, finally coming up with a blue leather journal under her undies.
Forgive me, pet…
~+~
Dried tear tracks streaked the vampire’s face as he sped to the Hyperion, his clenched jaw making his cheekbones stand out in sharp relief. Spike hadn’t felt so…responsible…for another person’s pain since he discovered he was killing under the First’s brainwashing. He’d already filed a missing person’s report at the police station, leaving them a picture of Charlotte. She could be anywhere, especially if she was on foot, and he needed all the eyes he could muster.
He burst through the hotel doors and stormed into the office, heading straight for the books. Angel came running out of the kitchen, thinking they were under attack. He stopped short as he realized the growling mutters coming from the office were in Spike’s voice, and rolled his eyes. His grandchilde had already managed to reduce the room to chaos in only a minute.
“What the hell are you doing, Spike?” he asked in frustrated amazement. Angel wasn’t prepared for the snarling response as Spike turned his head back and growled, game face in full view. “What happened?” he asked more gently.
The blond vampire still had his back to him, his shoulders tense, and he seemed to be panting with the effort it took to rein in his emotions. Spike stopped, his hands placed on the books, and replied:
“I’m an idiot, that’s what happened,” he said in a flat, low voice.
It was a sound Angel had never heard before. “Will…let me help…”
His grandchilde’s shoulders slumped as he sighed. Deflated. “Charlotte’s missing,” he whispered. “I’m looking for a locator spell.”
Angel came around the desk and selected the right volume, handing it to Spike. “You must be pretty worried, if you’re resorting to magic.” Haunted blue eyes rose to meet his.
Spike was just about to respond, when his phone went off. They both jumped at the noise, Spike cursing as he fumbled in his pocket to pull it out and answer it.
“Charlotte?!” he answered hopefully, not waiting to look at the caller ID.
“No…Buffy. Your girlfriend? You left hours ago and I haven’t heard from you,” sounding simultaneously worried and frustrated.
Angel moved over to the smaller chair with the book and started flipping through the pages to find the spell.
“Sorry, pet. Haven’t had a moment,” Spike replied tightly.
“Are you okay? You sound funny. What happened when you went to Charlotte’s?”
“Buffy, I’m still working on the problem, alright? I gotta go right now.” Click. He turned the phone off and slipped it back into his pocket.
“You just hung up on Buffy,” Angel stated plainly.
“Yeah, and?”
“Just an observation. Don’t you want her help?”
Spike closed his eyes, knowledge flashing through his mind again. “I have to find Charlotte first,” he admitted vaguely.
Angel looked puzzled, but he didn’t press any further. Instead, he slid the book across the desk, open to the locator spell. “You’re going to need supplies if you don’t have innate magic.”
Spike nodded. It was something he already knew – part of hanging around The Magic Box so much. “Thanks. I’ll be back.” He scribbled down the list and left.
~+~
What kind of bloody magic store were they to be out of one of the most common ingredients asked for?! The clerk was just a clerk, too, so he couldn’t even get someone to scry for him. With no other options, Spike drove back to Charlotte’s apartment complex and started searching in widening circles on foot, until he ran out of time. The sun was coming up when he got back inside the Hyperion.
~+~
He slept listlessly, hoping for a phone call, or for her to walk through the door, or even a bloody tingle…something. When sleep would no longer come in the early afternoon, Spike got up and called the police station, then the magic shop.
It didn’t surprise him when Buffy stormed in a couple hours later.
“You hung up on me!” she exclaimed at the hunched over blonde vampire thumbing through a book on the counter. Buffy stopped in her tracks as he lifted dull eyes to look at her. “Did you sleep at all?” she asked more softly.
He shrugged. “Sorry.”
“I could have helped,” she softly pressed, approaching him.
“Maybe…she’s a needle in a stack of needles in a city this large.” He rubbed his tired eyes and left the book.
Dawn came in from parking the car (a new addition), rubbing her cold hands together. “Man, you guys ever think of turning on the heat in here?” she complained. Spike just looked at her. “Right…vampires don’t get cold, what am I saying… Well, I skipped my last class to bring her over here, so are we going to be useful, or am I going to be forced to do homework?”
Spike took a piece of paper out of his back pocket and held it out. “Here. You can pick something up for me at a magic shop in Chinatown.”
Dawn glanced at the list. “Okay. What’s this for, and are you paying?” She took the $20 and grinned.
“I want the change, Bit. And don’t dawdle…it’s for a locator spell.”
She rolled her eyes and headed back out the door, glossy hair swinging back and forth as she walked. Buffy was on his heels as he turned to go into the kitchen.
“What’s with the lone wolf routine all of a sudden? I thought we were a team now,” she said.
“There’s not much you can do right now, pet,” Spike sighed tiredly, placing his mug in the microwave.
“Of course I can. I have working eyes and feet, same as you.” She stepped up to him and lifted his chin. “I can also be supportive? What have we been doing lately if you won’t let me in?”
“Like you let people in when you’re facing your battles?” he retorted. Buffy stepped back, stricken. “I didn’t mean that, pet…I’m tired…”
“Apparently you did,” she insisted, evading his touch. “You still don’t trust me, do you? Not with what’s inside…” backing up towards the door. I’ve tried…
“I do…Buffy…” Spike pleaded, grasping her hands. “Look, I didn’t sleep much, and I’m worried as all hell, so don’t take anything personal, alright? Not right now.”
“So, tell me what’s going on…please?!”
“The problem is that the only good hero I bloody make is a dead one! I shouldn’t be here, and if I wasn’t, then…” he broke off, turning his back on her to open the microwave. “Me and the soddin’ poof…they didn’t bring us back to help…”
“Spike…you’re not making sense.”
He chuckled bitterly and shook his head. “Probably.” Spike gulped down the mug and placed it in the sink. “I went to Charlotte’s apartment after I left yours. Her manager said the door was left open Monday morning, and there was no sign of her. I searched the apartment, and she definitely hadn’t been there for a couple days…smells fade, you know… Long story short, she’s in a real bad way, and God knows where. The police have her photo, but they haven’t called. I couldn’t find any trace last night. It’s bad, luv.”
Buffy stepped closer again. “How do you know?” she asked hesitantly.
Spike pointed to his belly. “Feel it in my gut. And…I read her journal.”
“Spike! That’s really personal stuff!” Did he ever read mine?
“I know that!” he exclaimed. “But how else was I going to have a clue what was going on? I haven’t talked to her in a month, you know that? Had my head so firmly in the bleedin’ clouds… It was… I’m a vampire, Buffy, and I’ve never had nightmares that bad…not like she described. I should have been there,” he chastised himself.
“So, it’s my fault?” she asked fearfully. I’m losing him already…
Spike’s eyes flickered yellow with anger. “Women!” he growled. “That’s what you got out of that?!”
“Well, what am I supposed to think, when you say you feel guilty for being with me?! You think you can’t do the job if you’re happy?!” she yelled back.
“I DON’T KNOW!” He shrugged helplessly. “It’s not like I’ve had any practice!” Ever.
Silence fell after his outburst.
“You want me to leave?” she finally asked quietly, dreading the answer.
“No,” he whispered. I need you here.
“Okay. Tell me what you want me to do.” Buffy slid her arms around his waist, hoping he’d let her hold him. Spike leaned into her, taking comfort in her scent.
“I don’t know. I can’t do anything until I know where she is and the sun is down.”
“Dawn should be back soon,” she reassured him. “Is there research to be done? Did the demon break out of Willow’s binding? We need to plan for when we do find Charlotte,” she added practically.
Buffy managed to get him focused on making a list of possible questions/problems and narrowing down what he/they knew. It helped keep him occupied until Dawn got back.
“Got the stuff,” she announced as soon as she came in. “Would you like me to do the spell?” Dawn asked.
“Since when do you know magic?” Buffy asked suspiciously.
“Since certain people left me with lots of time to read. And, I asked Willow to teach me a couple things when I stayed with her in London. You guys aren’t magic people.”
“She always had the knack,” Spike agreed, telling Buffy. “If you’re comfortable with it, pet, then give it your best shot.”
“Cool! Do you have a personal item of the focus? It’ll improve our chances,” Dawn replied.
Spike nodded and flew upstairs. Dawn turned a critical eye on her sister.
“Are you dealing okay?”
Buffy shrugged. “Sure, why wouldn’t I be?” she replied innocently.
“Because I know you, and I can practically see all the questions buzzing around in your head, Buffy.”
The blonde opened her mouth to answer, but Spike came back into view, jogging down the stairs. He handed Dawn a pendant.
“I, uh, nicked it last night, for the spell. She wears it often.”
“That’ll work,” the teen said, smiling warmly. She hoped this got fixed soon. She hated seeing her big brother look so haggard. “Okay…I need the ingredients, the spell, a bowl that isn’t flammable, and a map of L.A.” Dawn had a seat Indian style on the tile.
“What do you need all that stuff in the bowl for?” Buffy asked.
“It’s an offering. When you don’t have the power to will the spell to work, you have to make a supplication to ask for help. I mix the stuff in the bowl, say the spell, then light it on fire. It should just turn into a puff of smoke right away, and then you can hold a crystal or personal item over the map and it’ll zero in on where they are.” She bounced excitedly. “This is the first time I’ve tried it by myself.”
Spike handed over what she needed, then she shooed them away. This took concentration. With the spell before her, Dawn faced her task with all seriousness. She carefully placed each ingredient in the bowl, recited the words respectfully, and dropped in the lit match. The ingredients were instantly consumed by the flame, which left a little spiral of blue-gray smoke. Dawn dangled the pendant over the map, her eyes closed as she pictured Charlotte in her mind. She suddenly felt the tug of the pendant as it zoomed to a location on the map.
“Where?” Spike barked.
“Uh…Wilshire and Rampart Blvd…by Mac Arthur Park?” The pendant wiggled a bit on the map. “And heading west.”
“On it,” he announced.
“Spike, it’s still daylight!” Buffy reminded him. “Dawn…”
“Yeah, let’s go…” She kissed Spike’s cheek on the way out. “Wish us luck.”
He watched them go, then kicked the bowl, scattering the ashes. Damn the sun!
~+~
Spike was frantic by the time they returned an hour later. It was clear by their faces that they hadn’t been able to find her.
“Fuck!” he growled. Well, it wasn’t daylight anymore…
“Spike, you don’t know where to look!” Buffy called after him, but he was already gone.
The moon shone overhead, not that she noticed. It was cold, even for a February night, but she was already numb. Still…if she kept moving at night, then the dark wasn’t so scary…even the shadows. Nothing was scary as long as she didn’t fall asleep.
“Mary, Mary, quite contrary…how does your garden grow? With silver bells, and cockle shells, and pretty maids all in a row…” she sang absently.
“Hey, homies, check out the freak-show!” someone jeered.
Charlotte found herself surrounded in the alley by young men. She laughed.
“You have no idea,” she replied. She snarled, suddenly, at the closest one.
“Dude! She’s got freaky eyes, man! Let’s get outta here. I don’t wanna mess with no devil woman!”
“Don’t be such a fucking coward!” another said. He approached with a large knife. “Hey…freak-show…wanna have some fun before we send you where you belong?”
Charlotte tilted her head, as if listening to an unheard voice. “You first.” She leapt on him, teeth bared, and bit the arm he brought up to ward her off. She shook the arm in her mouth, before springing to her feet and rounding on the rest. “Naughty boys get no tea and cake.”
“Let’s get outta here! She’s psycho!” they yelled and dragged off their injured comrade.
Charlotte spit the blood out of her mouth and wiped her face with her shirt. Her eyes glazed over again as she wandered the streets.
~+~
Nina sat up in bed; sure that she had heard something. Angel slept soundly next to her. She listened intently.
There! A female giggle trailed down the hall.
“Angel! I think I heard something!” she whispered anxiously, shaking him by the shoulder.
“Hmm…just a dream…” he murmured, still asleep.
Another giggle, followed by humming.
“Angel! Someone’s in the hotel!” she hissed.
“Wha’?” he mumbled, blinking blearily. It was 4:00 AM.
“Someone - is in - the hotel!”
Jack Sprat…could eat no fat…his wife could eat no lean…
“Okay, I heard that,” he stated. Angel pulled on a pair of pants and handed her a sword off the wall. “Stay here.” He crept out of his apartment with the other sword, listening intently.
A flash of movement across the adjoining hall, and feet padding on the thin carpet. He followed silently, finding no one there when he turned the corner.
~+~
Spike was embracing his insomnia, playing on his game console. He suddenly paused the game, wondering if he’d heard…singing?
A-tisket, a-tasket, A brown and yellow basket; I sent a letter to my love…and on the way I dropped it…
Okay, he’ definitely heard that. Pulling a stiletto knife out of his boot, Spike crept out and down the hall, towards where the sound had come from. He eventually bumped into Angel on the next floor.
“You heard it, too?” they said at the same time.
“You think it’s Dru?” Angel wondered.
Spike shook his head. “Nah. I’d feel her in the building. It could be…”
“Yeah…”
They split up again, checking all the rooms.
Spike caught a glimpse of brown hair disappear around a corner and ran after her. His brow furrowed in puzzlement, as again, no one was in the hallway. Suddenly, he was pulled into a room, a dirty hand over his mouth.
“Shhh…mustn’t let them catch you,” was whispered into his ear.
“Charlotte?” he murmured, muffled by her fingers pressed on his lips. She had a surprisingly strong grip.
“Be vewy, vewy quiet…they’re hunting rabbits,” she replied. She slowly removed her hand, leaving one finger pressed on his lips as came around in front. Spike nodded his acquiescence.
“Who’s hunting, luv?” he whispered.
“The demons, of course. They have fiery eyes and see everything.” She wandered further into the room, seemingly listening to things he couldn’t hear.
“I’ll protect you, pet. You know that.” He could smell blood on her, though he wasn’t sure it was hers, mingled with all the other smells.
She nodded, or at least he thought she did. It was very dark, even for his eyes.
“My brave knight,” she cooed. “Made to smash and bash…”
“What?” His mouth went very dry. She couldn’t…
“Spike?” Angel was calling down the hallway.
“Charlotte…luv…you’ll be safe with us. Why don’t you come downstairs? I’ll get you something to eat?” he enticed. Spike felt her slip her hand into his. It was sticky.
“Have to eat your dinner, or you get no dessert.”
“Right…” One step at a time, mate…it’s not your first dance with crazy.
She stuck to his side as they left the room. Angel spotted them as he came around a corner, and stopped.
“Is that?” he asked softly.
“Yeah…no sudden movements, eh?”
Angel nodded and retreated the way he’d come. Spike walked at an easy pace with her, Charlotte plodding along humming to herself. He glanced at her out of the corner of his eye as they approached the lit hallway close to the lobby, and felt his heart lurch. She looked like a homeless person, her hair in ratty, tangled curls, face dirty, and frays and tears on her pajamas. Charlotte was barefoot, and he could see little wet spots of blood being left on the carpet as she walked. She didn’t even seem aware of it.
Angel gasped as they came into the dim light, but didn’t speak.
“First aid kit?” Spike murmured.
Angel ducked down behind the counter and found the kit, setting it on top. He slowly moved away to the stairs. Spike maneuvered Charlotte over to the counter.
“Can you sit up here for me, pet?” he asked her softly.
She didn’t resist as he put his hands on her waist and lifted her to sit on top. Spike started taking things out of the kit to clean her feet, his eyes flicking to her for any sign of acknowledgement. She just hummed to herself, picking at her fingernails.
“What did this?” Angel murmured.
“Things she wasn’t meant to see,” Spike replied, lifting one foot. He winced at the sight of tiny splinters and pieces of glass embedded in her skin. He started pulling them out with tweezers, but she didn’t flinch.
“She’s worse than Dana.”
“Maybe…maybe just different.”
“Head and heart. Don’t stop cutting,” Charlotte replied.
Spike’s eyes shot up to hers in alarm, but she was already somewhere else.
“Mother of mercy,” Angel swore under his breath.
“You mustn’t curse, Liam. Father will give you ten lashes with the switch,” she warned him.
“What kind of game is this?!” the dark-haired vampire replied defensively.
“No more mind games…no more mind,” Charlotte added solemnly. She stared into Spike’s eyes, and for a second, he thought she was actually there.
“Spike…this is unnatural…she’s…he’s made her…we need to free her from this!”
The blond vampire’s eyes widened as he caught what Angel was saying, and he whirled around, eyes flashing angrily. “Don’t you dare even suggest it! I won’t… You want me to do that? Then you go do the same to Dru.”
“It’s not the same…”
“It damn bloody well is! She’s sick, not some…some…abomination! God, Angelus, have a fucking heart for once in your miserable life!”
Charlotte’s whimpering ceased the yelling. She was rocking on the counter, curled in a ball and covering her ears. Spike hastened to comfort her.
“Shhh, sweetheart…it’s alright… The Poof and I get on each other’s nerves, that’s all, remember? No one’s going to hurt you, luv, I promise,” he soothed.
Angel retreated to bed, knowing there was nothing he could do to help.
“I promise I’ll fix this…” Spike vowed. “I promise…”
She lifted her head, hesitantly, and met his eyes. “Every night, I save you,” she recited.
Once more, the vampire was brought to tears.
A/N: I know Charlotte's condition is a bit confusing, but it will be explained. I've hinted at it so far, but let me be clear that she's a pawn in a bigger game. Nicholae just opened the door.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Okay, I see there are some questions I need to address.
1. This fic has always been written with the intent to address the Spuffy relationship, but as a secondary role to the plot. What's happening to Charlotte affects both vampires, not just Spike.
2. Buffy and Spike's relationship is only a month old, so there is hesitancy, insecurity, and both of them are still trying not to mess it up with old habits - meaning that they aren't secure enough, yet, to let things go and just be. It's what everyone thinks of when they're in a new relationship after getting burned in the past.
3. My Buffy is actually softer than the canon Buffy of Seasons 6 and 7. She's never been great with emotional intimacy, but she's facing that now instead of being in denial and running away from it......she's already made noticeable strides with letting Dawn and Willow in. As for Spike, she's been affectionate in their relationship, and openly with him to everybody, but it's still *new*, so you can't expect a whole lot of intimacy - it just isn't realistic.
4. Spike curses himself in this chapter for having tunnel vision - NOT because Buffy isn't enough for him, but for the fact that someone he cares about is hurting, AND, he's still not over his own insecurities about failing his loved ones in the past. He's gonna lash out at anyone because he's worried and hasn't slept - that's *normal*.
5. If you're looking for a fluffy, easy fic, this isn't it, so please go read someone else's story.
1. This fic has always been written with the intent to address the Spuffy relationship, but as a secondary role to the plot. What's happening to Charlotte affects both vampires, not just Spike.
2. Buffy and Spike's relationship is only a month old, so there is hesitancy, insecurity, and both of them are still trying not to mess it up with old habits - meaning that they aren't secure enough, yet, to let things go and just be. It's what everyone thinks of when they're in a new relationship after getting burned in the past.
3. My Buffy is actually softer than the canon Buffy of Seasons 6 and 7. She's never been great with emotional intimacy, but she's facing that now instead of being in denial and running away from it......she's already made noticeable strides with letting Dawn and Willow in. As for Spike, she's been affectionate in their relationship, and openly with him to everybody, but it's still *new*, so you can't expect a whole lot of intimacy - it just isn't realistic.
4. Spike curses himself in this chapter for having tunnel vision - NOT because Buffy isn't enough for him, but for the fact that someone he cares about is hurting, AND, he's still not over his own insecurities about failing his loved ones in the past. He's gonna lash out at anyone because he's worried and hasn't slept - that's *normal*.
5. If you're looking for a fluffy, easy fic, this isn't it, so please go read someone else's story.