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Chapter 7

Charlotte passed the night with no physical interruptions. She had the weekend to get the apartment settled, and then it was back to work, which also meant she needed to refresh her memory on the pieces the band would be playing at the festival. It left very little time for thinking about vampire attacks, or souled vampires – and that was perfect.
~+~
Spike had sent Dawn out for some paper, and now he was trying to organize his thoughts, in the hope that he’d have a clue what to say when he finally went to Buffy. Of course, some of what he could say depended on her feelings about him now, for he wasn’t going to profess his whole heart without some reassurance. He knew he owed her an explanation, but did he even want to go further than that? Spike had to admit that he had very little reason to trust Buffy with his heart when it came to love. Friendship had been pretty much reached by the time he died. And he knew she wouldn’t hurt him physically anymore…but that wasn’t the part he was worried about.

He needed advice, for this could potentially lead to the biggest decision of his life – living or dead. And the first name to go to that popped into his head was Charlotte.

The Niblet, it is, then.
~+~
“Hey. Have you made any progress?” Dawn asked sympathetically.

“Yes and no. Have a seat, Bit. I need your opinion,” Spike said as he entered her room.

“Okay…” He was pacing, as usual.

“Well, I know I owe your sister an explanation for staying away, like I gave you, but I have no bloody clue where to proceed from there. Is she still with the Immortal?”

“Yeah, but she never stays over. She didn’t with you, either, though, so I don’t know if that helps…For the record, I really don’t like him.”

Spike crossed the room and kissed her forehead. “I love you so much right now, Bit…that git’s been a thorn in my side for a long bloody time.”

“I’m not surprised. What’d he do, bed Drusilla?” she joked.

“And Darla. At the same time,” he muttered.

“Ewww!! Did you dunk them in antiseptic afterwards, ‘cause seriously, the guy’s a walking poster boy for a sexual disease? Everybody goes on and on about all the women he’s been with. I really don’t get what Buffy sees in him, besides the bank account.”

He winced. “Harsh words, luv. Do you think that little of Buffy nowadays?” he asked sadly.

Dawn sighed. “No…we actually get along a lot better now, but…her taste in men just sucks! Excluding you, of course.” He was her favorite vampire, after all.

“Thanks ever so,” he replied. “Down to business, now…do you think it matters anymore if I tell her I love her?”

“Are you asking me to break sister/sister confidentiality rules?”

“On this one occasion, yes, but only because I don’t want my heart ground into the pavement again.” He held his breath, waiting for her response.

“Then I’ll start from the time you left us. You didn’t believe what she said down in the Hellmouth, did you?” Dawn bluntly asked.

Spike shook his head. “I wanted to…God, I did, but no…and the timing didn’t help. Part of me feels like it was the last bone tossed to a favorite pet before you put ‘im to sleep, you know? We both knew it was the end for me, and she said the pretty words and let me go. And even if she did mean it, at the time, I had to get her out of that cavern, because you needed her. What would be the point of burning up if I couldn’t save the two people I loved most?” He raked his hands through his hair, frustrated. “And I feel like a right bleedin’ ponce for hanging the rest of my life on the decision of one little girl. All the strides I made towards independence in the last year, and she still holds my bloody leash.” Spike chuckled bitterly at the state of his life.

“She really hurt you, didn’t she?” she asked sadly.

“We hurt each other, but yeah, Bit…your sister nearly broke me, in a few different ways.”

“How do I encourage the two most important people in my life to get together when they have so much baggage? Mom and Dad couldn’t fix their marriage, and I know they loved each other, at one point. You and Buffy…” She shook her head, considering the monumental struggle these two would probably have. “I want you both to be happy, and you’re both family to me. Buffy definitely grieved for you, but now? I really don’t know where she’s at, besides mad that you didn’t keep her in the know. She’s been jealous of Char, but that could just be one of those left over possessive things like most people feel about exes…”

“Wait, Buffy’s jealous of me having a friend?” he said in surprise.

“A hot, female friend, yeah. I just don’t know the exact reason why. It could just be a territorial thing, knowing her. She and Angel are a lot alike, like that,” Dawn replied, wrinkling up her nose.

“Did you have to say the ‘A’ word?” he whined.

“Oh, don’t be a baby. Anyway, Buffy’s definitely carrying around the green-eyed monster. Of course…it might not be helping that I keep mentioning how great Charlotte is when I’m around her…” She giggled, liking her plan to torment her sister.

“You’re evil. You know that, right?” he teased with a smirk.

“Taught by the best,” Dawn replied proudly.

Spike laughed, then sobered again. “I don’t want to play games with her again, pet. If she wants to be with me, she’s going to have to say so. I don’t beg anymore.”

“Well, good! You got way too wimpy for a while, letting her walk all over you,” she chided.

“Yeah, yeah…got the bloody t-shirt. You know, I probably would have fallen at her feet the moment I saw her, if Charlotte hadn’t reminded me what it’s like to be treated like an equal, a man. You know she never freaked out over me being a vamp?” He shook his head in disbelief, even as he appreciated the rare acceptance.

“Seriously?!” Spike hadn’t scared her, either, but she’d known ahead of time that he was a vamp, and she’d eavesdropped on enough of his conversations with her mother to know he wasn’t like most. Combine that with the innocent trust of a child, and nothing could have kept her curiosity at bay.

“Sussed it out all on her own, too. She guessed before I could tell her, then asked why I was different from the vampires that tried to kill her. Said she knew right away she could trust me not to hurt her…” His voice trailed off as he remembered that he’d done exactly that, only with words, not his teeth.

“Charlotte promised to come around again before we leave, Spike. She’ll forgive you for being an over-protective jerk. I always do,” she smirked.

“Very funny,” he replied dryly.

“I mock because I care.”

“Sadistic bint,” he muttered.
~+~
Buffy tapped on the door as she opened it. “Dawn?…Oh, I didn’t know you had company.” Her tone turned cold when she noticed Spike in the room.

Dawn hurried over to her sister and guided her into the room. “You, sit and listen. Spike has something to say. Now, can I trust both of you to have a nice, mature conversation?” She looked to her sister. “With no hitting?”

Buffy rolled her eyes. “Yes, Dawn…”

“Good. I’m going to be sitting right outside the door, so don’t even think of running off,” she told her sister sternly. With an encouraging smile to Spike, she left.

“Did you put her up to this?” Buffy asked suspiciously, as soon as the door closed, ready to yell at him if he did.

“No, I didn’t put her up to this. She’s old enough to hatch her own schemes, if you haven’t noticed.” Right, forgot how defensive she can be.

“Of course, I have.” She took a seat, crossing her arms over her chest, expectant.

“You want an explanation,” he said flatly.

“Yes.” As in ‘duh!’

“Fine…but you have to let me get it out before you start yelling at me.” He waited for her curt nod, then sighed a long breath, drawing up his courage. “I died in Sunnydale so you and Dawn could have a life you chose. I don’t regret that…” She interrupted before he could finish, though.

“How long have you been undead again?” Buffy demanded to know.

“Since November.”

“And in L.A.?” She still couldn’t figure out why he stuck around Angel.

“Since 19 days after the Hellmouth collapsed.” Another short answer.

“Okay, that doesn’t make sense…” Her brows furrowed in the middle, displaying her confusion.

“I’m getting’ there, Slayer! Have some bloody patience!
I popped out of that amulet as a ghost, right in the Poof’s office at Wolfram and Hart. Someone had sent it to him in the mail, with no return address. The first thing I asked, after trying to charge at the git for this being his fault, was if you made it out okay. He said you were fine, and in Rome, so off I was going to go…didn’t want to spend one more second in his miserable presence. When I tried to leave the city limits, though, I’d get yanked back to that amulet, every time.” He’d just wanted to see she was alright with his own eyes…

“Okay, so you were a ghost. Why didn’t you have anyone write a letter for you, or hold up the phone?” That wouldn’t have been a tough request, Spike. Geesh!

“None of these people knew me, Slayer…and my grandsire wasn’t about to help me where you’re concerned. And…I was slipping, for a while…” He shuddered at the memories of flames licking at his feet, feeling damnation was inevitable.

“Slipping, how?” she prompted.

“Hell. The Grim Reaper was coming to take me away…and I knew I couldn’t tell you, only to have my death become even more permanent at any moment. Would that really have been fair? So…the problem turned out to be that another ghost in the building had made a deal to send other souls to Hell so he could stay here. Big show, we defeated him, and I got to keep non-existing. It was months after that before I finally got my body back…
Fred, the science girl on Broody’s team, kept researching that amulet and looking for a way to make me corporeal again, but either the cost would be too great, or the plan was too risky. So…I get mail at the office, right? An’ yeah, I know, who’d send mail to a bloody ghost – but the box arrived, all the same, with no return address. Angel’s secretary opened it for me, and there was a bright flash of light…nothing else inside. I didn’t notice feelin’ any different, and tried to walk through the door like I usually did…and landed on my arse after bouncing right off it.” He paused, and looked over at her, noticing her lips twitching with trying not to laugh.
“Go ahead an chuckle, pet. I’m sure it looked right bleedin’ funny. Anyway, I’m bouncing off the walls – not literally – and really in the mood to celebrate, obviously…and the phones start ringin’ – All the phones. Place goes bug-shagging-crazy, and Eve, that sniveling bint that worked for the S.P.’s, tells me and the git that havin’ two souled vampires in the same dimension is bollocksing everything up. We get sent on a quest to fight to be the greatest Champion – a complete farce, by the way – only to get back to the office and find out the Senior Partners decided to fix the problem anyway. Life back to normal in L.A., whatever that passes for.
I can go anywhere I want now, so I take one of Gramps’ company cars, buy myself a boat ticket, and I’m ready to head to Europe…only I can’t…” Buffy interrupted him again.

“Why not? Were you stuck mystically?” she asked, confused again.

He looked up at her, sadly, before schooling his emotions again. “No, pet. It occurred to me that I was going into completely unknown territory, after making a grand bloody exit before…and it was just too much. I barely had my body back, so I hadn’t even had a chance to get used to un-life again. It’d been so long since I’d had one mug of blood, let alone taken a walk where I wanted to smell the night air. So…I did the good fight, here, in L.A. Got a tiny basement apartment, bugged Peaches at the office when the night was slow, and tried to find a purpose that was mine.
I know it won’t flatter your ego much, luv, but I hadn’t made a single choice in years that didn’t have you somewhere at the root of it. I had a second chance at life, and I needed to know I was more than Love’s Bitch. And I gained comrades in arms, friends, even, that weren’t your leftovers…”

“So, what…you saw me as holding you back? I thought we were at least friends by the end in Sunnydale, Spike. You could have called or sent a letter. Your excuse is that you had to ‘find yourself’? God, I can’t believe I actually thought you’d be the one who didn’t leave. And all that talk about me being ‘The One’ was just that, wasn’t it? Just a pep talk to soothe the pitiful Slayer. I grieved for you, and you were here the whole time, playing hero! I’ve heard enough!” She shot up off the bed and made for the door, only to be stopped by Spike standing in front of her. I forgot he could move that fast, damnit.

“Now, hold on just a minute, Slayer! I meant every word I said that night and you know it. I don’t play those games, especially since my feelings usually end up written across my face. I was scared, alright?! I didn’t come initially for a lot of reasons, and even more got added later, not the least of which was trying to save a friend from being obliterated by a god in her own body. And I admit that I owed you a note, but don’t play like you’ve been the ‘grievin’ widow’ this whole time, Buffy, ‘cause I know better. From Andrew, and my own two eyes!” How dare she question him about that night? Or any of the others when he had her back. Bleedin’ hell, the chit was infuriating!

“Andrew? What the hell has he got to do with this?!” she demanded, eyes blazing.

“Your Watcher Wannabe came to pick up the deranged Slayer, Dana? He filled me in on all the Scoobies had been up to, including you and Dawn. And as for my own eyes, I saw you dancin’ with the Immortal, bouncin’ around like there’s no tomorrow. So, really, how long did you ‘grieve’ before that ponce wormed his way in, hmm?” he sneered in return.

“My current boyfriend is none of your business! Why were you in Rome, and why didn’t Andrew tell me he saw you?!”

“The Poof and I were both there, to retrieve a head…and he thought you might be under a spell from the Immortal. I mean, seriously, Slayer – The Immortal? I knew you had bad taste in men, but come on! The git’s even been with Darla and Dru, let alone a thousand others! Andrew, it turns out, is actually a real friend, and kept a secret he was asked to keep. It was my place to tell you, if and when I chose to, and I’m glad the little guy actually respected that. He was even nice enough to confirm that you’d moved on when we stopped by your flat. Since he lives there, I saw no reason to doubt it,” Spike replied smugly.

“I’m going to kill me a nerd…why does everyone keep thinking they can do things for my own good?! I’m 23, for God’s sake, and you know how much I hate that!” she said furiously.

“Well, you might want to have a little chat with good ol’ Morty when you get home, Slayer. He played around with me and Angelus the whole time we were in Rome. Kept taking the head from us, only to have it waitin’ on the Poof’s desk when we got back.” Precious boyfriend’s not so untarnished, sweetheart.

“I’m sure it was just a prank, and again, my boyfriend is not up for discussion.” She poked him hard in the chest with a perfectly manicured finger. “This is about you and the not telling of pertinent information! And not just because I would want to know, but Dawn! She’s been waiting a year to make things straight with you, thinking she’d never get the chance!” That should put him back on the guilt trip.

“Niblet and I already worked things out. And gee, big surprise, your little sister was the more understandin’ of the two of you! What was it you missed most, Buffy, hmm? Having me as your willing slave? The expendable soldier? The bloody doormat that would take everything your friends wouldn’t or couldn’t? Or was it the cold comfort at night when you realized the ‘normal’ life isn’t what it’s cracked up to be? I earned the right to live my own way, to be without the bloody drama that comes with being around you and your little pals. It was refreshing, really, to be around a group that tells each other the truth at least most of time. Adults, even!
I died in the Hellmouth ready to be done, because I knew I was leaving things better. And a big part of me wanted to stay leaving things better, because it wasn’t my place to barge into your new world. You know exactly what that release and freedom feels like when you give yourself in a selfless act! I don’t know where I was for those 19 days, but I had peace, for the first time ever. For the first time in my existence, I didn’t have to fight for anything…” Spike’s voice trailed off, his rant losing steam as he laid his heart out. He wasn’t going to cry…girl had made him do that too many times already.

“Would it have been that hard to try to be in my life again?” she asked in a small voice, not completely hiding the tremor as she spoke.

He sagged, the fight draining out of him with her whispered tone. “It might have been. I don’t know, Buffy. I’ve loved you for what feels like forever, but it was never easy. You never let it be easy, pet,” he softly replied.

“What I said – you didn’t believe me, did you?” They both knew what she was referring to.

“I wanted to, but no, I didn’t. And if I had, you probably would have done something stupid like stay with me. Where would that have left Dawn, if the roof collapsed on both our heads? They were words of comfort for a dying man. No need to sugarcoat it, Slayer.” She can’t even say the words now, in past tense. He let her off the hook again.

At that moment, Dawn opened the door and stuck her head around, smiling sheepishly. “Sorry to interrupt, but Giles is on the phone, Buffy. I told him I’d take a message, but he started going on about the time differences, blah, blah, blah, so…” She looked hopefully over at Spike, but he was staring at his feet.

“Yeah, okay. I know how he gets.” Buffy opened the door wider and started to leave, as her sister stepped past them to grab her purse. Both girls started to head downstairs, when Buffy paused just outside the room. “Spike…I meant it,” she murmured. The words were too low for Dawn to grasp, but Buffy knew Spike would hear them just fine.

He stood in Dawn’s room, in awe, until he started to feel like a ponce for staying there alone, and left to take the back way out of the building. He needed to take a walk. Or get really drunk.
~+~
Spike chose the bar where he had read his poetry before the battle. They carried decent beer, and didn’t charge a mint for it, like a lot of places in L.A. did. It was either there, or the strip club, and he didn’t feel like being around any more women than he had to tonight.

The bartender handed him a glass without being told what the order was. “I remember you from a few days ago. You got the crowd pretty worked up. They don’t cheer for anybody often.”

“Thanks. Just keep these coming, and the occasional shot of Jack, mate.” He carried his glass over to a dark corner and slumped into the chair.

She meant it…she’d bloody meant it… At the time. Okay, so realistically, he knew Buffy didn’t say those words unless they were the truth, but people say they love lots of things. Never meant that she loved him in the same way he loved her. Her love for Joyce was different than her love for Dawn, which was different from her love for Giles, and so on, and so on. People say ‘I love you’ to pets, friends, and chocolate, or cars. He couldn’t know how she meant it unless she said it again, and he certainly wasn’t going to ask her to explain. He was through begging. And all they talked about was the past. He hadn’t admitted to loving her at the current moment like he always had, either…not really.

Spike sighed, setting the empty glass down, that the waitress exchanged for a full one. Buffy still excited his senses, no question. Just her scent brought up so many memories. He thought back to the tentative friendship they’d been forming when she’d first come back from the grave, those few weeks one of the best times of his existence. She sought him out over being with her friends, and talked with him. Shared her pain. He thought he just might be getting his crumb, and that first kiss…and then, she’d squashed his hopes again by denying they had something, which led to him starting that stupid fight. He didn’t regret knowing her body like he did; only the relationship that came with it. There was so much pain to outweigh the good times in their past. Was there enough of a foundation there to start a future that wouldn’t end up going down in flames?

He emptied glass after glass, trying to lose his thoughts in the reader or performer up on stage. Spike knew that enough alcohol would eventually make him go numb…eventually. Damned vampire constitution made it a hell of a lot harder to reach the point of chemical calm, though. Most bartenders would cut him off long before then, unless it was a demon bar. He’d probably have to move to one later tonight.

After his sixth beer and fifth shot, without ordering food, they cut him off for a while. The waitress smiled and asked, “Can I call you a cab, hon?” when he rose to leave.

“Nah, pet. I’m alright. I walked here, anyway.” He left her a decent tip, and left the bar, taking the back alleys towards the hotel. He’d just stop at a liquor store along the way.

After picking up two bottles of Jack, he managed to climb up to the roof of the Hyperion, and sprawled out on his back, facing the stars. He still remembered what all the constellations were, and started pointing them out, out loud.

“Bah! Too much bloody smog in L.A.! Between that, and all the lights, even a vampire such as myself can’t pick them all out anymore. Not like when I was a boy. I miss seeing a real night sky…bloody progress…”

“Talking to yourself is fine…as long as you don’t answer back,” Dawn said, coming to join him.

“How did you find me, Bit?” Spike sighed

“Had a hunch, seeing as how I know you don’t have anywhere else to go in town at 3 AM.”

“Shouldn’t you be in bed, then?”

“It’s summer, Spike. I don’t have a curfew when I’m on the property. Geeze, how much have you had? You stink!”

“Half this bottle, so far,” eyeing the liquor. “Plus more at a bar before they cut me off. So, not enough.”

“The talk didn’t go well, huh?” she asked sympathetically.

“I’m sure you heard the yelling. Not to be anti-social, pet, but I came up here to be alone…” he hinted, sounding tired.

“I just want to know what happened. Buffy won’t say anything.” She sat down on the roof next to his prone figure.

“She didn’t like all the answers, got mad, I got mad, we said more things, the end. There’s your story.” He downed another gulp (or three) from the bottle.

Dawn snatched the bottle away and hid it behind her back. “Nuh-uh, buddy. I know there’s more to it than that. Did you at least learn anything you didn’t know?”

“I was doing most of the enlightening, Bit. Give me back the bottle.”

“Not until I’m satisfied. You didn’t answer my question.” He shrugged and opened the other bottle.

“She meant it,” he muttered.

“What?” She didn’t hear what he said.

“She meant it,” he repeated louder. “What she said before I died…she said she meant it, alright? Not that it helps me now…” He sank back down, clunking his head on the roof. “Ow…” he mumbled.

“Serves you right for trying to get drunk, silly. So…this is good news, right? Now you know for sure that she loved you and it wasn’t just words. I’m not seeing where this is a ‘getting drunk’ kind of problem.”

“It’s only a partial comfort, luv, because there are a lot of ways people mean ‘I love you’, for one, and two, she’s moved on. Those feelings could just as easily be past tense, after a year. She had no problem defending her boyfriend,” he said, sulking.

Dawn dismissed it with a wave of her hand. “That’s just Buffy-talk. She’s going to get defensive about any guy she’s seeing, whether she thinks he’s a total shmuck, or not. My sister just doesn’t like her decision-making skills called into question. Did she defend the title ‘boyfriend’, or did she defend him personally?”

“You’re right…she didn’t stick up for his character, but that wasn’t the main topic, anyway.” He smirked evilly. “At least I gave her some food for thought about her precious Immortal, though…”

“Oh?” she asked perkily.

“Andrew wasn’t the only one to know Angel and I were in town,” Spike revealed.

“And he didn’t tell her…oh, Paolo’s in for a world of hurt! She hates being left out of the loop. God, I hope she dumps him! He wears so much cologne, the smell lingers in the apartment hours after they’ve left for a date.” Dawn’s nose wrinkled up in disgust at the thought. “If she ditches him, are you going to make a move?”

“Maybe it should be your sister doin’ the chasin’! Think on that!”

“Oh, fine!” She shoved the bottle back into his hand. “Just don’t lie here until the sun comes up. You die again, and I’m having Willow bring you back.”

Spike gave her a lazy salute. “Yes, ma’am. Go to bed, before someone goes lookin’ for ya. I promise I’ll see you later.”

She nodded, and left the way she came, leaving him alone with the stars again. Spike stayed long enough to ensure that no one would be up, then stumbled towards his room. He rooted around in his duster pocket for his smokes, and came up with his cellphone. Maybe he should leave a voice mail for Charlotte, to tell her he was sorry. She’d been so sweet to him. Spike fell back onto his bed, and the impact stirred up her scent still lingering in the sheets. Yeah, he could definitely admit he missed her.

He stared at the numbers for a while, before finally pressing ‘send’.

“Hey, luv…it’s me, Spike, but I guess you’d guess that anyway because who else is going to call you ‘luv’. Listen…I’m sorry for being such a wanker the other night. You didn’t deserve to be yelled at…I was just worried, and Dawn can tell you what I’m like when I care about someone I want to keep safe. So, that’s all I wanted to say…and I hope you’ll come by soon. The girls are wonderin’ about you. Well…goodnight, or good mornin’, however you want to think about it…I…bye, kitten.”

Could you ramble any worse, you ponce? The oblivion of sleep couldn’t come fast enough. He undressed and slipped under the covers, cocooning himself in comfort.





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