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When You Remember Me



~~~~~~~~~~
"When you remember me
If you remember me
I hope you see, it's not the way
I want it to be

Or I'd be with you now
But wherever you go
My love goes with you..."
~~~~~~~~~~




Time passed, as it inevitably does, but the wounds
she'd sustained remained as fresh and painful as
as they been on the day she'd received them.

Buffy had tried to get her life back on track. She'd re-
connected with her friends, attempted to buckle down
at school and improve her grades, and went out and
performed her nightly tasks with a zealous passion
that bordered on recklessness.

Up until now, she had never imagined that such pain
was even possible. Every morning when she woke up,
she was assaulted by it all over again.

The first couple of weeks had been horrible beyond
bearing. Her appetite all but disappeared, and she
couldn't sleep for more than fifteen minutes at a time.
When she did manage to drop off, her sleep was plagued
with nightmares that made her wake up screaming.


She had begun cutting classes, spending her days
wandering aimlessly around town. One morning, she
had taken the bus all the way out to the beach where
they had made love. Sitting on the lifeguard tower, shi-
vering in the cold breeze, she had cried intermittently,
all day long.

Sometimes, she was sure she heard him talking
to her, apologizing for having to leave her, and begging
her not to cry anymore...telling her how much he still
loved her...would always love her.


~~~~~~~~~~
"Keep on smiling
Keep on shining
Even though you know you want to cry

I tried to love you
Looking in my eyes
You saw promises and lies
Too many times...."
~~~~~~~~~~



It hadn't taken long for her mother to figure out
what was wrong, and when she did, she'd employed
a series of attempted cures all the way from tender
consolation to tough love.

Buffy had responded to none of it, until Joyce had
threatened to put her in the hospital for treatment if
she lost one more pound.

She'd presented herself at school the very next day.

After the last bell had gone off, she had collared Willow
and Xander, and the three of them had gone to the library
to see Giles.

Once there, she had given them a halting explanation
of what had happened to her, leaving out the fact that
the man who had effectively broken her heart was a
vampire. She kept the more intimate details to herself,
not because she was ashamed of them, but because
they were simply too personal to share, even with her
best friends.

All three of them had been kind and consoling, and
promised to do anything they could to make her heart
heal a little faster.

Xander, being Xander, had gone to the absurd length
of offering to track down her errant lover and "pound
him into the dirt" for hurting her so. If she hadn't been
so unhappy, she would have laughed herself silly
at the idea of Xander taking on William.

Gradually, she had begun to come out of the blackest
of her depression. She had forced herself to eat, until her
appetite began to return on it's own, and she'd replaced
the weight she had dropped.

Then, she had thrown herself into her training schedule
with a fervor she'd never shown before, hoping to tire
herself out enough to allow her to sleep through the night.

After serving two solid weeks of detention, she had
apologized to her teachers and then spent her evenings
trying to make up the work she had missed.

But, she turned down every boy who asked her out,
unable to work up even the smallest interest in any type
of romance. None of the boys in her school could even
begin to compare to William, and the thought of being
kissed or touched intimately by one of them made her
nauseous.

Buffy simply couldn't forget about him. She could force
herself not to think about him for a time, but he always
came back into her mind and her heart...a place she
feared he would own forever.



~~~~~~~~~~
"When you remember me
If you remember me
I hope you see, it's not the way
I want it to be

Or I'd be with you now
But, wherever you go
My love goes with you..."
~~~~~~~~~~



Willow and Xander tried to include her in their
plans, but they were both getting involved in relationships
that were quickly changing from casual dating to going
steady. This made Buffy feel more like an outsider than
ever.

But, she liked the two new people in her friend's lives
well enough, and she worked hard at being sincerely
happy that they'd all found each other.

Oz, she liked very much. Funny and good natured, but
also soft spoken and a little mysterious, Buffy thought
of him as a secret that was searching for the right person
to reveal itself to.

And he adored Willow, which was what Buffy liked the
most about him.

The new girl in Xander's life was a real surprise.

She had only known Cordelia for a couple of years,
but Xander and Willow had a slight history with her.

None of them had really liked her much before, her
OR the group of shallow, mean spirited girls she
associated herself with.

But, much to Buffy's amazement, she seemed to be
changing. Still fairly shallow, but no longer so completely
stuck up and cruel, she had begun to fit into their inner
circle, helping them, even though she complained about
it every step of the way.

As Buffy moved through her days and nights, she couldn't
help notice that nearly everyone in Sunnydale was paired
up with someone else. Spring fever had arrived, bringing
with it warm, breezy days and cool nights.

Even in her own immediate galaxy, romance was at
an all time high. Besides Willow and Xander, Giles
was still dating Miss Calender, and her mother...HER
MOTHER!...was seeing some artist who'd had a recent
showing at her gallery. Buffy couldn't remember ever
feeling so completely alone.

~~~~~~~~~~
"I'll be with you
Keep believing
Some things even time can't come between

And if you blame me, try and realize
There were promises and lies
Too many times.."
~~~~~~~~~~

Sitting in her English lit. class one afternoon, she
struggled to concentrate on the words her teacher was
saying, but more and more, she found herself staring
out the window.

All she could think about was him. Where he was. What
he was doing. And whether or not he still loved her at all, or
had taken up with Drusilla again and was.....

Her thoughts were abruptly cut off when her hair was
yanked from behind. She turned in her seat to glare at
Xander, rubbing the side of her head. "What was THAT
for?" she hissed.

"MISS SUMMERS!"

Buffy swiveled back around and saw Mrs. Calvin staring at
her with an angry light in her eye. She swallowed hard,
and heard Xander whisper "Read page nineteen."

"Yes, ma'am?"

"Have you been paying attention?"

Buffy nodded. "Yes, ma'am."

"Really?" Mrs. Calvin asked, rolling her eyes. "Then you
know what I just said?"

"Yes...um. Page nineteen?" Buffy glanced down at her
book, surprised to see that she was still on page eight. How
long had she been zoning out?

Looking irritated, her teacher gestured for her to
continue.

Not wanting to be seen turning to the correct page, Buffy
casually nudged her book onto the floor. "I'm sorry," she
murmured.

Her teacher rolled her eyes again, and sighed heavily.

Scooping up her book, Buffy flipped to page nineteen, cleared
her throat, and began to read out loud...

"What though the radiance which was once so bright
Be now forever taken from my sight
Though nothing can bring back the hour
Of splendor in the grass, of glory in the flower..."

Tears blurred the page as she read the final lines.

"We will grieve not, rather find strength in what is
left...behind."

"Very nice," Mrs. Calvin said. "Now, what do you think
Wordsworth was..." Her question was cut off by the
blare of the dismissal bell. "All right everyone, we'll
continue this on Monday, and remember, your short
essays are due next Friday."

Out in the corridor, Xander caught up with her as
she headed for her locker. "Hey...are you okay, Buff?"

"Yeah," she replied, working the combination lock. "Thanks
for the save in there."

"No problem," he assured her, smiling. "You, umm...want
to go and grab some chow? Lunch was mystery meat and
green glop, and I see enough of THAT as it is, so..."

Buffy shut her locker and gave him a half-hearted smile. "No
thanks. I'm gonna go on home and try to get a nap in before
the nightly festivities begin."

"You patrolling tonight?"

She sighed. "As ever."

"Want some company?"

Buffy considered it for a moment, then shook her head. "I
don't know. I'll call if I do, but don't wait around for me."

Xander still looked concerned. "If you want to talk, I can..."

Buffy wanted no part of the discussion she sensed was
coming. "I'll see you later," she interrupted, then merged
in with a crowd of kids heading for the exit.

She walked home slowly, trying to quell the emotions
that were threatening to spill over and make her cry,
wondering if she would ever be able to let him go.



~~~~~~~~~~
"When you remember me
If you remember me
I hope you see, it's not the way
I want it to be

Or I'd be with you now
But wherever you go

My love goes with you"
~~~~~~~~~~


TBC....

Feedback is appreciated.





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