For a couple of minutes, Buffy was quiet, desperate not to reveal the inner battle she was fighting. She was torn between wanting to hug him, or simply run. Hug him because she realized the unfairness of it all; just like William, Spike didn’t want this, he just wanted a normal life. But unlike William, Spike had to go through years of pain, violence, and confusion all by himself. More than once during the years as a Slayer, William had questioned his part of it all. He may not have liked it, or even understood it, but at least he didn’t have to go through it alone. He’d had his friends, and also his father, guiding him through every step of the way, whether he liked it or not. And, of course, he’d had her. Spike hadn’t been that lucky.
And she wanted to run, because she could see so much of William in him, and that was confusing, not to mention painful. When Giles had revealed the new Slayer’s identity, and told her that Spike was coming to Sunnydale, Buffy had been terrified, since she didn’t doubt for a second that Spike would be a walking reminder of William. She’d decided to avoid him as much as she could, not talk to him unless she had to. That was why she had simply ran past him without even saying hello when she’d first met him. But luckily, Spike and William weren’t alike at all, at least not on the outside, and that fact had made it a little easier for her.
At first sight, back in high school, William may have been mistaken for what the popular kids would call ‘a geek’, but that wasn’t true at all. He’d just never cared much about physical appearance; he wore glasses and a tweed jacket, and he did it with pride, he was confident with himself just the way he was. Both he and Buffy had been surprised, though, when she had ended up falling for him, because William was so different from the guys she usually liked. But Buffy soon discovered that ‘different’ sometimes could be a very good thing.
Spike on the other hand was a year younger, and looked like the classic ‘bad guy’; bleached blond hair, slicked back with large amounts of hair gel, and all dressed in black, a black leather duster complementing the look, and he was gorgeous. But Buffy hadn’t known him for long, and already she’d come to realize that behind all the leather was really just a lost boy who wanted nothing more than to simply be loved. She also suspected that hiding behind a hard mask had probably been his only way of surviving those months in jail.
Now, after listening to Spike’s story, seeing the fear in his eyes as he waited for her reaction, Buffy could clearly see the resemblance between the two, and she finally realized why. It was all about the eyes. William’s eyes had the most beautiful shade of deep blue, just like Spike’s, but it wasn’t the color that now almost made her gasp for air and feel like she was drowning. It was beyond that, it was what was behind his eyes, almost like she could see directly into his soul. She could now see fear, frustration, anger, pain, and confusion, all at once, just like she’d seen the same thing every time she had looked at William.
But in William’s eyes, there had also been something more. Hope. Hope that one day everything would be okay, that he would find a way to escape his unwanted destiny and finally be able to have a normal life, finally be able to rest. And in a way, Buffy now realized, he had gotten what he’d wanted. Even though the mere thought was almost too painful for her to handle, a part of her wondered if William, during his last seconds on earth, hadn’t been a little relieved. Relieved, because it would finally be over. She had loved William with everything she was, and she knew that he’d loved her just as much, but still.
The thought that maybe William in the end had chosen to take the easy way out, made her furious. Not at him, of course, but at the situation. She didn’t think that William had really wanted to die, he’d known what losing him would do to her, but that didn’t mean that he hadn’t welcomed Death when it was clear to him that his time was up. Maybe it wasn’t just him; maybe every Slayer had a secret death wish. Deep down, Buffy had known it all along, even though she would never say it out loud. Being forced to be the Slayer against his will was what had destroyed William, just as much as the vampire who had gotten his one good day, thanks to the Council. And now, the same fate awaited Spike.
The lack of hope in Spike’s eyes was what finally made Buffy decide not to run. She knew that he, deep down, already had accepted the fact that his life was over, almost before it had even started, and it broke her heart. It shouldn’t have to be like that, there had to be more to life than a stupid destiny. And she wasn’t going to let the same thing that happened to William happen to Spike. William wouldn’t get a second chance at life, but it wasn’t too late for Spike. And maybe not for her, either.
All this time, Spike had just sat there, waiting for her to speak. Buffy wanted to tell him that it would be okay, that things would be better now, but suddenly her throat felt completely dry, and her mouth seemed unwilling to form any words. So instead, she just reached out her hand and gently put it on top of his. The surprised look on his face wasn’t lost on her, but he didn’t say anything, nor did she. For what seemed like hours, but was probably only minutes, they sat there on the couch, two lost people who finally, maybe, would be able to find some hope in each other. Because if there wasn’t hope, there was really nothing left.
TBC
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