Spike had just finished throwing his clothes and the rest of his belongings down in the suitcase when he heard a noise behind him, and spun around. Buffy was standing in the doorway, and he wondered how long she had been there. He gave her a questioning look, and she tried to smile, although it came out more like a grimace. “You’re leaving?”
He sighed, seeing how she tried to fight back the tears, and suddenly felt guilty for some reason. That made him annoyed, he didn’t want to care about how she felt. But, of course, he did. He shrugged. “Don’t feel like staying here.”
“Are you…?” She swallowed before she went on. “Are you going back to London?”
He was just about to ask why she cared, but decided against it. Instead he shook his head. “Would like nothing more than to get the hell out of this town, but apparently that’s not up to me to decide.” He gave her a cold look. “You know, s'my fucking destiny.”
Buffy took a step into the room, then hesitated. “They can’t force you to do anything against your will. If you really wanna leave…” She left the rest of the sentence hanging, then lowered her eyes to the floor.
“How could I?” He closed the suitcase and slumped down on the bed. “How could I leave when I know what’s going on here? Knowing that if I do, people could die?” He let out a miserable sigh.
“I’m sorry.” Her voice was nothing more than a whisper.
He looked up with a frown. “Why? Hardly your fault this town’s on top of a bloody hellmouth.”
Buffy fought the urge to roll her eyes, and slowly walked over to the bed. “No, I meant…” She didn’t dare looking at him. “I’m sorry for what happened back at the Magic Box.”
“Oh.” He really didn’t want to talk about that. “Forget it.”
“But I don’t wanna forget it.” She let out a shaky breath. “Spike, if you’re gonna leave, can’t you at least please listen to what I have to say?”
He didn’t want to hear her pathetic apologies, he really didn’t, but one look at her tear-filled eyes made at least some of his anger melt away. Damn, he was weak! A part of him hated himself for it, another part was grateful she had shown up at all. Because the thought of not seeing Buffy again was more painful than he wanted to admit, no matter how much she had hurt him. What the hell… He sighed again. “Fine. I’m listening.”
She looked surprised, like she had expected him to reject her pleadings, but quickly covered up. “Okay. I…” She hesitated, clearly not knowing how to begin. “William is the only guy I have ever loved, in my entire life.” The look he gave her told her that it was the last thing he wanted to hear, but she hurriedly went on. “Just hear me out, okay?” She paused for a moment, and he nodded, much to her relief. “However, he is gone. A part of me has known, for years now that I need to move on. But it’s hard. Sometimes I don’t think I’ll ever be able to love someone else.”
Spike felt a pang in his chest at her words, although it was like he had suspected; Buffy was not over William, and probably never would be. His voice was strained when he spoke. “I understand.”
“Truth is…” Buffy went on; “I’ve never even wanted to move on.” She held her breath for a moment, then let it out. “Before I met you.”
He just stared at her, and to say that he was shocked was a huge understatement. “I… what?!”
Buffy finally sat down on the bed, but kept her eyes on the floor. “I feel something when I’m around you. I’m not sure what it is, but it feels…” She hesitated. “…good.” She still didn’t dare meeting his eyes, and he didn’t say anything, so she went on; “I haven’t felt like this for a very long time, and I’m…” She swallowed. “…really confused.”
“Buffy…” Spike finally snapped out of the shock, and gently put his hand on top of hers. “Look at me, pet?”
She obeyed. “Spike, back when we…” Buffy paused. “When I said… I didn’t wish you were him, really, I didn't. I just… for a moment I felt, I don’t know. Like I felt when I was with him.” She looked away again. “I felt… safe. Loved.”
Spike took a deep breath, struggling to get his emotions under control. “Buffy, I…” He stopped for a moment, and it was his turn to look away. “Think I do love you. Have for a while now. But…”
He could hear her inhale, shakily. “But what?”
The fear in her voice was obvious, and he knew that if he looked her in the eyes, he would see it there as well. He really didn’t want to say it. But he had to. “But you’re obviously not over William.”
She let out the breath she had been holding, feeling tears welling up again. “I know. But, believe me, I want to.”
He sighed. “I do believe you. But…”
“But it’s not enough, is it?” He shook his head and she gave him a sad smile. “That’s okay.” Spike frowned, and she hurried to explain; “You are staying in Sunnydale, aren’t you?” He nodded, and she let out a sigh of relief. “Then I’ll just have to prove it to you. That I meant what I just said. That I want to move on, with you.”
“Buffy…” A part of him was thrilled; another part was terrified of getting hurt again. “I don’t know if… I think I…”
“You need time.” Buffy nodded in understanding. “So do I. But we have time, right? I mean, you’re not leaving?”
“I’m not staying here.” Spike looked around the room. “Need to find a place of my own.”
Buffy nodded again. “Will you let me know where you’ll be staying?”
She sounded so uncertain, and for the first time since she had arrived, he actually smiled a little. “Sure.”
The relief on her face was obvious. “Good.” She paused. “Are we okay?”
He nodded. “Yeah, pet. We’re okay.”
TBC
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Author's Chapter Notes:
I'm saying it again, since I can't say it enough. Thank you so much, every single one of you who have been kind enough to review my story so far! *hugs you all* Also a huge hug to Tammy for being such a great beta! :)