Buffy finally pulled back, not because she wanted to, but because the lack of air was seriously starting to become a problem. Gasping, she tried to get her breathing under control before glancing at Spike. The happy smile on her face faltered when she realized that he didn’t want to meet her eyes. “Spike?”
He got up from the couch and started pacing the room. Finally he stopped, but still wouldn’t look at her. “I’m sorry. Shouldn’t have done that.”
“What?” The frustration and disappointment almost brought tears to her eyes, and she had to take a deep breath before she went on. “What’s wrong? I thought…” She swallowed. “You don’t want me anymore.”
“No, that’s not…” Spike sighed. “Buffy, I…” He hesitated. “I’ll always want you, pet. But I shouldn’t have kissed you like that. You’re not ready, and…”
She interrupted him, the disappointment shifting into anger. “Don’t you think it’s up to me to decide whether I’m ready or not?”
He finally looked at her, his face a mixture of anger and frustration. “All right, fine, then I’m not ready. Not for another rejection. We’ve been through this, Buffy. I told you, I need time.”
“You think I would reject you?” Buffy closed her eyes for a moment, fighting back tears. She had been so happy, why did things have to go so wrong? Maybe she had been right, maybe she just wasn’t meant to be happy. “If that’s so, why did you kiss me in the first place?”
“Because…” He stopped, suddenly at a loss for words, which only made her angrier.
“Oh, I get it. I hurt you, so you decided to hurt me back. Is that it? Kissing me like that, making me feel things, and then…”
“Oh bloody hell… Don’t be ridiculous!” Spike glared at her. “I never meant to hurt you.”
Buffy let out a shaky breath, refusing to start crying. “And I never meant to hurt you. But I did, and I’m sorry. So, when are you gonna forgive me? I thought you said you’d give me a chance to prove to you that I meant what I said the other day.” He opened his mouth to say something, but she went on; “You said you needed time. Maybe you should’ve thought about that before you kissed me.” She paused. “You’re confusing the hell out of me, you know that?! I should just leave; coming here was obviously a mistake.” She reached for her jacket and got up.
Spike grabbed her arm to stop her. “Don’t go.” He gave her a pleading look, and she sighed.
“What do you want me to say, Spike?” Suddenly Buffy felt very tired. “Do you want me to promise you that we’ll be together for the rest of our lives and live happily ever after? I can’t do that.”
He felt a pang in his chest at her words. “I know that, I’d never expect you to…”
“No one can make such a promise.” Buffy interrupted him, desperate to make him understand what she meant. “I don’t know what’s gonna happen, anymore than you do. All I know is that right now, you’re the one I wanna be with. I may be confused about a lot of things, but not that.” Spike didn’t look totally convinced, although he did suddenly look a bit more hopeful. Buffy sighed. “I have a past, Spike, just like you. I can’t pretend it never happened.”
“I’m not saying you should.” Spike reached for her hand, and she allowed him to take it. “But can you honestly say you’re over him?”
“William?” He nodded, and Buffy let out a sigh. “A part of me will always love him. He was my first love, hell, my only love. But I finally feel that I’m ready to move on.” She paused for a moment. “For three years, I’ve been convincing myself that I could never love someone again.”
Spike was almost afraid to ask. “And now?”
She gave him a small smile. “Giles asked me if I loved you. I said I might be able to.”
He stared at her in shock. “You told Giles about us?!”
“Well, yeah.” Buffy suddenly looked embarrassed. “Actually, I told him I met someone, he figured it out for himself that it was you.”
Spike felt like his head was spinning, realizing that Buffy would never tell Giles about them if she wasn’t serious. Suddenly he felt very stupid for reacting the way he did. Then a thought occurred to him. “How did he take it?” Buffy looked away, and he sighed. “Not good, then.”
“He’s just… concerned.” Buffy rolled her eyes. “But I told him that it’s my life, and my decision who I want to be with.”
He looked surprised. “You did?” She nodded, and he remembered what she had told him the night before. “Is that why you’re moving out? Because of me?”
“That’s not the only reason.” Buffy sat back down on the couch, and he followed. “I meant what I said about moving on. I can’t live with my ex boyfriend’s father for the rest of my life. Giles has been great and all, but…” She shrugged. “I’m a grown woman now, it’s time I start taking care of myself.”
Spike smiled a little. “Or, I could take care of you.”
Blushing, Buffy looked down at her hands. “When you put it like that…”
“So, what are you saying?” Spike became serious. “About us. What do you want?”
She looked him right in the eyes when she answered, without hesitation; “I want the whole thing.”
He raised an eyebrow. “You sure?”
Buffy nodded. “Never been more sure about anything.” She couldn’t help but giggle at the happy smile that appeared on his face. Then she let out an ‘eep’ as he pulled her close and crashed his lips against hers. Desperate to get even closer to him, Buffy climbed onto his lap, so that she was straddling him. Then she pulled back a little, so she could look at him. “You’re not gonna freak out again, are you? Not gonna give me any more crap about not being ready?”
Spike put on a serious expression. “As long as you’re not gonna call me ‘William’ again.”
She rolled her eyes. “I told you I was sorry about that. What do you want me to do to make it up to you?”
“Well…” He smirked. “I have a few ideas…”
TBC
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Thanks to all of you who left me a review for last chap, muse and I both appreciate it! :)