“Buffy? May I have a word with you?” Giles gave her a questioning look before sitting down next to her on the couch.
She let out a sigh. “What’s up, Giles?”
“Um…” He hesitated. “How are you feeling?” She just shrugged. “You do know that Spike is going to be all right. They insisted on keeping him at the hospital for a couple of days, but I’ve been told it’s simply for observation. He will be right as rain, and it’s just a matter of time before he will be home again.”
“I know.” Buffy slumped back into the couch. “Yay for Slayer healing.”
Giles frowned. “I would’ve thought you’d be a little more enthusiastic.”
“I am.” She gave him a forced smile.
He didn’t look convinced. “Is there something else bothering you?”
Buffy rolled her eyes. “Nope. I’m thrilled. Can’t you tell? I’m just peachy. Peachy Buffy.”
“I see.” Giles was quiet for a moment, then obviously decided to let it go. Instead, he changed the subject. “Buffy, I owe you an apology. I’ve had some time to think, and I realize I’ve been too hard on you regarding your relationship with Spike.” Buffy just stared at him and he went on; “You have to understand, I only had your best interests in mind and I love you like a daughter. But I don’t have the right to tell you who you can or cannot be with. I was wrong, and I admit it.” He paused. “I still don’t think I could bear to see you hurt so much again, but I realize now that it’s not my decision to make. If you and Spike are really in love, then I won’t stand in your way. You have my word.”
“Now you’re telling me.” Buffy jumped up, angrily, and started pacing the room.
Giles looked confused. “I beg your pardon?”
Buffy stopped, giving him a hard look. “It’s over between me and Spike. I thought you’d be jumping for joy.”
“Oh?” Giles got up from the couch and walked over to her, putting his hand softly on her arm. “I’m sorry to hear that. May I ask what happened?” Buffy opened her mouth, then closed it again. Instead of answering, her face crumpled and she simply burst into tears. For a moment, Giles was at a loss for what to do. Then he put his arm around her shoulders and led her back to the couch. He reached into his pocket and offered her a handkerchief, which she gratefully accepted.
“Thanks.” She wiped at her eyes and blew her nose. Then she leaned back on the couch with a sigh. “Giles, I don’t know what to do. I’ve been trying to tell myself that I did the right thing, but if that’s true, then how come I feel so bad?”
“I take it you were the one who ended your relationship, yes?” She nodded. “May I ask what caused you to make that decision?”
Buffy sniffled a little. “Spike almost got killed last night, Giles. I don’t think I could survive if I lost him, too. That’s why I told him that I couldn’t be in a relationship. I can’t go through all that pain again, I just can’t.”
Giles nodded in understanding. “So, you don’t love him anymore then?”
“Of course I do!” Buffy glared at him. “I’m not a machine; I can’t just turn off my feelings!”
He got a confused look on his face. “So, you assume it would hurt less to lose him if you weren’t in a relationship? But you would still have strong feelings for him?”
“I… well…“ Buffy suddenly looked uncertain.
Giles went on; “So if, God forbid, Spike would get killed next week, or tomorrow, you would be okay with it? It wouldn’t be painful?”
Buffy stared at him in shock, then tears started welling up in her eyes again. “Of course it would be painful! I would be crushed! Losing him now would hurt just as much as…” She stopped with a frown as realization hit her. “Oh God…”
“Buffy…” Giles gently took her hand. “I’ve never told you this, but after losing Jenny - William’s mother, I promised myself to never let myself fall in love with another woman. I couldn’t risk getting my heart broken again; it just didn’t seem worth it.” Buffy looked at him with wide eyes as he went on; “I don’t want to believe I’m that old, and it may still be time for me to find someone to spend the rest of my life with. But because of my fears, I’ve spent a great part of my life alone.” He paused. “Life is short, Buffy, and it’s all about taking chances. And if you are too afraid to do so, then you’re not really living. Don’t make the same mistakes I have.”
Buffy was silent for a couple of minutes, allowing his words to sink in. “I do love Spike. And if I have to choose between being with him for as long as I can, or not at all…” She swallowed. “I wanna be with him. But I’m still afraid.”
“That is understandable.” Giles nodded. “But the question is, are you too afraid to take the chance?”
She looked down at her hands. “I don’t know. Maybe not. But it doesn’t matter anymore, it’s too late. Spike hates me now.”
Giles gave her a soft smile. “I find that very hard to believe.”
“You weren’t there.” Buffy blinked away new tears, angry with herself for not being able to stop crying. “He was so mad at me; I doubt he would ever wanna see me again. And I can’t blame him. God, Giles, I broke up with him when he was in the hospital! What kind of horrible person am I?!” She started sobbing.
“Buffy…” Giles removed his glasses. “I don’t know Spike all that well yet, but I do know he’s a good man. He may be angry and hurt right now, but I do believe his feelings for you are the same as before. Just give him a chance, and tell him exactly how you feel. It might take a while, but I’m sure he will forgive you eventually.”
The fear in Buffy’s eyes was impossible to miss. “What if he won’t?” Giles just looked at her, and she sighed. “I guess I’ll find out. Do you mind giving me a ride back to the hospital?”
TBC
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Author's Chapter Notes:
I managed to write a new chapter sooner than I expected, now I'm holding my fingers crossed that I'm over the writers block for now, at least with this story. Thank you to all of you who reviewed last chapter!