Buffy stared at him. “Are you saying you don’t…?”
Sighing, Spike interrupted her, repeating his words; “If I said no, would you accept it and leave if I asked you to?”
She opened her mouth, then closed it again, swallowing. She was about to say yes; she would respect his wishes. But then she realized that she couldn’t. “No.”
Spike looked at her in disbelief. “No?” He nodded in understanding. “I was right then. This is all about you. You don’t even care…”
Ignoring his interruption, Buffy went on; “Because if you’d tell me you didn’t love me anymore, you’d be lying. Either to me, or to yourself. And I won’t accept that.”
His brow went up, and he let out a snort. “And how the bloody hell would you know that? Don’t flatter yourself, luv. You’re not that special.”
Buffy had to remind herself that he had a reason for being upset with her and that she shouldn’t let his hurtful words get to her. Deep down, she knew he didn’t really mean it. But still, hearing him say those things nearly broke her heart. And she could understand, all too well, how he had felt when she broke up with him. Right now, she would’ve given just about anything to be able to turn back time a couple of hours, to get a chance to make things right again. Then she would definitely handle the situation differently. Now they were both miserable, and it was all her fault.
She took a deep breath. “I know you wouldn’t just stop loving me. Giles asked me earlier if I didn’t love you anymore. I told him that I’m not some machine that can turn off my feelings whenever I want to. Neither are you.” She paused. “He made me realize what an idiot I was. I never should’ve broken up with you just because I was afraid of getting hurt again.”
“Yeah?” Spike rolled his eyes. “Well, you did, and you’ll have to live with that.” He sighed. “Buffy, I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep fooling myself into thinking that I’ll ever be enough for you. We both know the truth.”
Buffy frowned. “And that would be…?”
He looked her right in the eyes. “You want me to be him.”
“I… what?!” She stared at him in shock. “That’s ridiculous! I would never…”
Spike sighed again. “Look me in the eyes and tell me you wouldn’t do anything to have him back.”
Buffy kept staring at him, mouth open, then finally looked away. “I can’t. But…” She stopped, seeing that he was about to interrupt. “Just hear me out! It’s true that I would do anything to have William back, alive. Because what happened to him was wrong, and a part of me will always love him. I miss him every day. But I’m not in love with him anymore. I’m in love with you.”
He was quiet for a moment, then shook his head. “Doesn’t matter. That’s only because he’s not here. If he was, you wouldn’t even look my way.”
“If William was still here, you wouldn’t be.” Buffy gave him a patient look. “You’d still be in London and we would never have met.”
“Yeah, well…” Spike hesitated, obviously not sure of what to say to that. “Might’ve been better that way. You’d still have the love of your life, and I…” Instead of finishing the sentence, he merely shrugged.
“Maybe William wasn’t the love of my life.” For a moment, Buffy couldn’t believe she had actually just said that. Then she realized that it was true, and tears of sadness welled up in her eyes. Sure, she had loved William, with all her heart. He had been her first love. But he was gone now, and she had been forced to move on without really wanting to; for years she had refused to let go of the past. And suddenly she realized that she had moved on, not only because she had to if she wanted to stay sane, but because she was finally ready to love again. She also knew that if William had known, he would’ve been happy for her.
“Spike, I can’t promise you that we would’ve ended up together if William was still around. But who knows? Maybe this was meant to happen all along.” She slowly walked over and sat down on the bed next to him, praying that he wouldn’t object.
He didn’t. Instead he gave her a confused look. “What do you mean?”
Buffy had thought about it before, but this was the first time she had to put words to those thoughts. She wasn’t entirely sure how. “Well, the fact that William died and you got called as the new Slayer. As far as I know, that’s never happened before. The two of you being related, I mean. Giles was in a state of shock for days when he found out.” She paused. “Makes you wonder…”
Spike still looked confused. “Not quite sure I’m followin’, pet.”
She tried to explain. “I’m not saying I believe that William was supposed to get killed by that vampire just so you would get called and come here, because that would be awful, not to mention wrong in so many ways, but maybe they wanted to make sure something good would come out of it.”
He just stared at her. “Who?”
“The Powers That Be.” She had to smile at the blank look on his face. “Never took your time to actually read the Slayer’s handbook, did you?” He just grimaced, and she went on; “The Powers That Be are the highest of all the higher beings. Giles says they exist on a different plane and are responsible for everything that happens in every single dimension, good and evil.”
“Higher beings?” Spike got a skeptical expression on his face. “Sounds a bit too unbelievable if you ask me.”
Buffy snorted. “Right. Unlike the existence of vampires and other normal demons, you mean?”
“Well…” He frowned. “Okay, I see your point.” She smiled a little. Spike suddenly felt like his head was spinning. When he had first seen Buffy again, all he could think of was how he wanted to hurt her the way she had hurt him. It wasn’t something he was proud of, but his pride was important to him; it was something he had never completely lost, even after everything that had happened over the years. Then she had turned his entire world upside-down by saying three little words he had stopped hoping he would ever get to hear from her. He had been ready to give up, but now he didn’t know what to think. Because she was right; no matter what he said, he still loved her.
“Spike, I know you’re not William.” Her bottom lip started trembling. “I don’t want you to be him. That’s not why I fell in love with you.” She hesitated. “I know I hurt you before, and I’m so sorry. I can only give you my word that it won’t happen again. Just give me a second chance. Please?”
Spike just looked at her for a moment. Then he sighed. He could feel a headache coming up; even with his Slayer healing, he was still a little weak from the blood loss and he felt like he hadn’t slept in weeks. A part of him wanted nothing more than to take Buffy in his arms and promise her everything would be okay. But he just wasn’t sure he would survive if his heart got broken by her again. For the first time, he actually wondered if it was really worth it. “I don’t know.” He could see the exact moment her face fell, but forced himself to be strong. “I need some time to think about this.”
Buffy was silent for a moment, then nodded in defeat. “I understand.” She paused. “I’ll just… leave, then.” Slowly, she got up from the bed, like she wanted to give him a chance to change his mind, then, when he didn’t say anything, let out a miserable sigh. “I guess I’ll see you around.” She let out a shaky breath before finally leaving the room.
Spike resisted the urge to call out for her, begging her to come back. He told himself that he was doing the right thing, but the truth was that watching her leave was, without doubt, one of the hardest things he had ever done. Leaning back down on the small hospital bed, he closed his eyes and tried to go to sleep. But even with his eyes closed, he could still see the miserable look on Buffy’s face. He wasn’t sure of how long he just lay there, tossing and turning, until he finally felt himself starting to drift away. Suddenly he felt the bed shift, and his eyes snapped open. The sight that met him caused him to gasp in surprise. Eyes widening, he shook his head in denial. “You-you’re not supposed to be here.”
The visitor raised a brow, looking amused. “Is that so? And why’s that?”
Spike’s eyes narrowed as he watched the brown-haired man sitting on his bed. He blinked a couple of times, but the man was still there. “Well, for one thing, you’re supposed to be…” He paused. “What’s the word I’m looking for again? Oh, right. Dead!”
“Yes, I know. But seriously, mate, don’t tell me you’re actually surprised to see me?” William smirked. “After all, this is the Hellmouth.”
TBC
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Author's Chapter Notes:
I was going to update sooner, but RL has once again been a bitch. I recently miscarried for the second time in less than three months, and I haven't been feeling all that well for the last couple of days. However, it turns out that writing Spuffy is like therapy, so I managed to write this chapter today after all. I'll try to update Healing tomorrow or the day after. I can only hope you're still with me and that I haven't lost all of my readers.