She let out a sigh. If only she hadn’t been so selfish, such a coward! She loved Spike and he loved her, why did she have to let her stupid fears ruin everything? Sure, if anything would happen to Spike and she would lose him for real, the pain and grief would probably kill her this time. But she hadn’t really been living at all, anyway, for the last couple of years. So, why couldn’t she just have accepted that she finally had something good in her life? Even though it most likely wouldn’t last.
A part of her wanted nothing more than to simply run back to the hospital and throw herself in Spike’s arms, begging for his forgiveness. But he had asked her to give him some time, and she knew she owed it to him to respect his wishes. Only problem was, being so close to him and yet so far away was almost unbearable. Even though she knew she would probably see him again in a couple of days, she already missed him. Spike had to forgive her, he just had to! Because she didn’t know if she could go on living the rest of her life without him.
Suddenly a twig snapped behind her, causing her to tense up and stand absolutely still. Holding her stake in a tight grip, prepared to strike, Buffy couldn’t help but grin. She had come here looking for something to kill, and now it looked like maybe she wasn’t the only one at the dark cemetery after all. Slowly, she turned around, and found herself standing face to face with Drusilla.
“You said a Slayer can’t be turned.” William leaned back against the wall, an unreadable expression on his face. “That’s not entirely true.”
Nodding slowly, Spike recalled what Drusilla had told him about Slayer blood. “Right, forgot about that. So, if a Slayer actually wants to be turned, it’s possible. I guess the million dollar question is…” He paused. “Why the bloody hell would you want something like that?” A sudden thought occurred to him. “Dru said something about every Slayer having a secret death wish. I didn’t believe her. Is that what it’s about?”
William was quiet for a moment, then sighed. “Yes and no. I never wished to die, if that’s what you think. But can you honestly say you’ve never given the idea a second thought? Never wondered what it would be like to be free from all your obligations, free from the responsibility of constantly risking the lives of people you care about? Free from… this life?”
“Free from life?” Spike raised a brow. “I have another word for that. Dead!”
“True.” William nodded. “Still, ‘dead’ doesn’t necessarily mean ‘gone’. If that was the case, there wouldn’t be any vampires. They’re dead, but yet they’re not. And look at me. I’m dead, but still I’m here.”
“Yeah.” Spike nodded in agreement. “As a ghost.”
“I’m not a bloody…!” William interrupted himself, rolling his eyes. “Never mind, you’re missing the point. I never wanted to be a bleedin’ vampire.”
Spike was confused. “Then why did you say you would’ve let Drusilla turn you?”
“Have you ever been standing at the top of a cliff, wondering what would happen if you simply stepped over the edge? Or wondered if you would actually be able to kill another human being and get away with it?” William saw the look on Spike’s face and chuckled. “I’m not saying I have, just saying that people do things like that all the time. Not because they really want to, but because they can.” He paused. “I believe everybody has a secret death wish, they just don’t want to admit it. It’s not something you talk about. And more importantly, most people would never act on it.”
“Not sure I’m following, mate.” Spike wasn’t sure he liked where this conversation was going. He found himself wondering what Buffy was doing right now. Was she alone? Sad? Upset? Was she even thinking about him at all?
“Of course she’s thinking about you. Haven’t you figured it out by now?” William got a bored expression on his face.
“Oh, bloody…! Would you stop that?!” Spike glared at him. “How many times have I told you…?!”
William smirked. “Yeah, yeah. ‘Get out of my head, stop reading my soddin’ mind’… I have to tell you, Spike, it’s starting to get boring.”
“Yeah?” Spike crossed his arms over his chest. “Could say the same about this whole conversation.”
William didn’t even dignify that with an answer. “Look.” He pointed towards the other side of the room.
Spike reluctantly obeyed. His eyes widened when he realized what had just happened. For a moment, he had almost forgotten where they were. Now, all he could do was stare at his lifeless body, lying limp on the floor in a large puddle of blood. Buffy had backed up against the wall and now slid down on the floor, a moan of anguish escaping from her throat.
“He’s gone, just like William. They all leave…” She buried her face in her hands.
Swallowing, Spike took a hesitant step towards her. “Buffy…”
“You know, she can’t really hear you.”
Spike ignored William’s words as he slowly walked over to Buffy and dropped to his knees next to her. He wanted to tell her that it was okay, that he was just fine and wasn’t going anywhere. Right now he would do just about anything to be able to take her in his arms and promise to never let go. Because no matter how upset he might be with her, he could never bear to see her cry. Especially not because of him. He felt tears welling up in his eyes. “I never meant to cause her so much pain.”
“I know.” William had walked up behind him. “Neither did I.”
Spike turned to face his cousin, a horrified expression on his face. “She feels like it’s happening all over again, doesn’t she?” William just looked at him without a word. Spike closed his eyes for a moment. “I’ve had enough. Take me back to the hospital.”
William shook his head. “Sorry. Can’t do that.”
“What?!” Spike stared at him in disbelief. “Then how the bloody hell am I gonna get back?!”
“That’s up to you, not me.” William shrugged. “I’m just here to show you what really happened, when you’re ready to go back, you will have to figure it out for yourself. I’m sorry, but that’s how it works.”
“Bollocks!” Spike looked around the room before throwing his arms up in frustration. “I’m fucking ready, so why am I still here?!” He glanced at Buffy, still on the floor with tears streaming down her cheeks. “I can’t watch this. Please, can’t you just…”
“If I could do something, don’t you think I would?” William’s voice was barely more than a whisper. “You think I actually enjoy seeing her like this?” Spike opened his mouth, but William went on; “I’m weak, Spike, always have been. I took the easy way out without giving the consequences a second thought, but I swear to God, I never meant to hurt her.”
Spike was starting to feel really uncomfortable. “I know that. Buffy knows it, too.” He let out a sigh. “But how can you say you were weak? You bloody died for her, so Drusilla wouldn’t turn you and you’d end up hurting Buffy. I don’t think I could ever do something like that. How is that weak?”
William gave him a sad smile. “You don’t get it, do you? It’s all right; you’ll figure it out eventually. Until then…” His smile suddenly disappeared and he froze in his tracks. Then his eyes widened. “Bloody hell…”
“What?” For a moment, Spike couldn’t take his eyes off of Buffy. Then he finally looked away and turned his attention back to William.
“It’s Buffy.” William got a grim look on his face. “She’s in trouble. You have to go.”
“What happened?!” Spike jumped to his feet, feeling the panic about to overwhelm him. “Where is she? And how the hell am I gonna get there?! I’m trapped in this soddin’ dream, and you’re telling me Buffy’s…” He stopped as realization hit him. “Drusilla? Oh God, no…”
“She’s at the cemetery. You’ve better hurry. Oh, and Spike?” William bent down to pick up the stake Spike had dropped when Drusilla had first hit him, and tossed it to him. “You’ll need this.”
Spike caught it easily, staring at the sharp piece of wood for a moment. “But how am I…?” He looked up, frowning as he realized that William was nowhere to be seen.
TBC