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Chapter 16

He was walking as unsteady as a newborn foal. Harmony had kept her arms around his waist the entire way back to her house, his arm around her shoulder, his fingers digging into her. He wasn't crying, but he wasn't emoting anything else either. He was obviously numb, still in utter shock that Buffy had died. To tell the truth, Harmony herself was scared for him. It seemed very wrong that Buffy was gone. Sure they'd despised each other in High School and they'd always been enemies, but Harmony wasn't ever expecting Buffy to not be around. It was majorly weird.

She led him into her private study, encouraging him to sit on her antique chaise lounge. He did so autonomically, letting her put his feet up on the leather.

"Uh...can I get you something?" He looked over at her, acknowledging her for the first time since the hospital."No?" Still nothing more than having his eyes fixated on her."I'll get you some water? Okay?" Quickly she scampered out of the room to the kitchen, returning less than a minute after. She held it out for him, but he merely stared at it. She sighed, becoming a little uneasy and put the water down on a table."Spike, come on, say something."

"Say what?" he whispered hoarsely.

"Are you gonna go all fangy and break stuff? I don't want my stuff broken. I like my stuff." He shook his head, sniffing, tensing his jaw. She could feel his demon was close to the surface, the rage was tangible in the air between them. Harmony didn't understand much about what Spike was really like when he was unhinged like this. She'd been with him only a few months, and certainly she'd seen his temper flare into violence and ranting, but this was so different. She couldn't read him in the least."So. So what are you gonna do tomorrow?" She tried to break the tension with a silly question, smiling, but not realizing how preposterous it was to ask. He couldn't fathom a tomorrow.

"What should I do Harm? Maybe take in a movie? There's a pipe leaking our basement, should I try and fix it? Or maybe..." He sprang to his feet and went to her liquor cabinet and tore it open, grabbing whatever looked the most like whiskey, splashing it into a glass and gulping it down. It burned his throat like it was acid."Or maybe...." He threw the glass across the room and it flew into a million shards. Harmony cried out, frightened and shielded herself from the destruction,"Maybe I should walk out into the bloody sun and get the hell out of this fucking cruel world?!"

"You said you weren't going to break my stuff," Harmony cried, tears coming down her pretty cheeks. Spike saw how he'd frightened her and dropped the decanter of alcohol to the floor. He went to her, taking her by her wrists and taking her back to the chaise.

"M' sorry."

She shrugged, trying to act nonplused by his outburst.

"I'm not sure how I can help, but I'm trying."

"I...I know, pet, but there's nothing that, that can be done. Buffy...she's..." He broke again, his entire body wracked by a seizure of sobs,"Oh god, Buffy's dead....Buffy...my Buffy." He lowered his face and covered his mouth with his hands and muffled a scream that made the girl beside him recoil. He was in so much pain. Since she'd bought back her soul, the young vampiress hadn't felt much different than when she didn't have one. That however didn't speak to much as she hadn't really changed when she'd lost it in the first place. There were twinges of genuine guilt for the fact that she'd killed many people, but there wasn't anything to be done about them. But not until now did thoughts to the grief of their families slowly begin to surface. She'd always preferred shopping and hanging with her girls than killing anyways. The soul had been a whim, she'd liked how people treated Angel because he'd had one. Angel had friends and people who loved him. That's all Harmony had ever really wanted.

But the reality of what it truly meant to possess the guiding compass of light inside her was amplified by a swell of tenderness and empathy to the man that had never treated her like he should have. She'd always loved him and craved his affection in return, and now they were alone and he was hurting badly and vulnerable. She understood, then, that when you loved someone with your soul and not just your heart or your body, that seeing them in pain was infinitely worse than if it were your own.

She touched his back, rubbing back and forth and trying to offer him comfort.

"You're strong, Spike, you've always been really strong. I...I know how much you loved her and...and I bet she loved you just as much....I'm sorry she's gone." He looked up, sickly and timid, so scared and falling apart right before her eyes.

"Who's going to love me now? Harmony? Who will ever love me like she did?" Tears streamed down his face, he was wounded with loss and grief and so desperate for someone to assure him that he was not alone. She leaned in closer, her trembling fingers wiping away his tears.

"Oh Spike..." She closed her eyes and tried not to cry herself.



Chapter 17

"Harmony?" Spike's voice whispered. His tears came on stronger, he'd almost just asked her to please stake him now. He remembered that Dawn wouldn't probably be able to survive his death too, he didn't think he could bare his little bit being in pain like this again. God, how would Dawn ever get over Buffy? He tried to stop crying, but it only made the waves of anguish come on stronger. Harmony was uncertain what to do to help, but learned soon enough, that it was enough to just be there with him.

Eventually he did stop crying, they still sat side by side.

"She's the only one who called me William and meant it," he spoke up suddenly,."She didn't mind that I was a sentimental, timid man sometimes, like when I was human, she loved me for it."

"I liked it when you were sweet, too."

"I know, pet, I know, but it wasn't who I was, not really. The soul, it's made me a whole person and I can be sweet for her and not be ashamed. She's taught me so much this past month about real love. I'm immortal, I want more than one month of happiness with her. I deserve more than one month."

"I think so too, Spikey." He nodded, thanking her for her compassion."I think you deserve to be happy and I'm so sorry you hurt now, and...and I'm sorry for what happened to Buffy." Harmony wished she could stop from repeating how sorry she was, but having never been needed like she was now, words failed her.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome, I'm not sure if I'm helping."

"You're doing just fine, pet, but nothing's gonna really help. Nothing's ever going to be right." Harmony watched him quietly break down again. If this was what it meant to have a soul, to hurt and cry down through your blood and into your bones for someone other than yourself, Ed could take the damn thing back.

***

It was a kind of cold that one can only truly compare to spending months rotting away underground in a box. There was a difference however, the earth was alive, things moved all around on the outside of the coffin. There was no life here. Just cold and metal. Buffy woke up crying. She couldn't put tangible definitions to her sadness, but she knew it was something to do with Spike. Spike was in pain, she simply knew it in every cell in her body.

"Spike?" she called out, her voice barely raising a whisper. She gingerly tried to sit up, only to hit her head on something. She felt above her, and the frozen metal stung her fingertips as if it burned. She tried to turn over, but was met with resistance on both sides. She tried to kick, but her limbs where shocked with contact at a solid and ungiving wall."Spike?!"

Behind her head was less cold, less hard, so she hit it. There was a little give, and she got fierce with it, pounding and pushing with all her strength. Finally the hinges on the door broke and it fell to the tiled floor below. She dragged her body along the smooth surface, then she slipped once her torso emerged and crashed to the floor as a nude, wounded, trembling heap.

The morgue was no warmer outside of the body slot she'd wakened in. Cold and naked on the floor she whimpered, and called out again for Spike. She tried to get to her feet, but in her weakened state, she toppled more than once before she managed to grasp on to an examination table and gave her muscles time to recover. She braved a few more paces, teetering like a child on their first steps until she got to the door.

The corridor was empty, save for a laundry cart from which she had the presence of mind to steal a hospital gown to cover herself with, though it did leave her back and rear end somewhat exposed. Having to make the choice between heading up the long corridor back to the hospital or out the side door, Buffy chose the exit and went into the night in search of her vampire.





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