London May 2008
Buffy sat behind the kitchen island and carefully sipped on her hot chocolate (with tiny marshmallows) with red eyes.
She hadn’t slept very well that night – or the previous night before that. In fact, she hadn’t had a good night sleep since the destruction of the Sunnydale Hellmouth. Since the day she had to watch another lover die for the sake of her…
Spike…
She cursed under her breath and grabbed the last piece of toast from the plate, all with the intention of making history short with it.
Noticing the accusing stares from Dawn and the gazillion other young girls that occupied the rather large kitchen she quickly devoured it and gave them a cold glare.
Don’t mess with me.
“Buffy!” whined Dawn with a longing look at the crumps lying on the marble, which was all that was left of the bread. “I wanted that!”
“Me too!” a chorus of female voices sang out from all over the room.
“So make some more,” Buffy said with raised eyebrows. “’s not my fault that you weren’t fast enough.”
The girls simply glared before they stomped out form the kitchen.
Buffy sighed, delightful over the sudden silence.
“Is everything okay, Buffy?” asked Xander carefully and joined her at the island.
Abandon silence…
“’m fine. Just peachy.” She tried a reassuring smile but knew that she failed miserably.
Could never really fool him – not anymore.
Not since…
“Are you having nightmares again?”
Oh God, do I have them…
Buffy sighed and closed her eyes to shut out his concerned face.
She still dreams about him.
It's mostly fragments. Pieces of their turbulent past. Mixed images that filled her entire being with longing and despair after someone who was long gone.
There was also pictures of a life that would never be, a future that was robbed from her.
A white picked fence…
Buffy blinked and noticed that Xander was still watching her closely for a reaction to his question. He probably expected an answer…
“Yes,” she whispered at last and met his gaze. “They’re back.”
I can never escape them…
Like this morning.
Buffy had awoken with his voice whispering in her ear, too soft to hear the words. Just a low, seductive murmur, sending shivers through her soul. Leaving her wanting for more and disappointed when it never came. Haunting her with the fact that she would never hear his voice speak to her again in the real world. All that remained was the fiction of him…
“Buffy...”
“Buffy?”
She snapped back to reality at Xander’s voice and focused on him as he reached out a hand to place it over hers in a reassuring way.
Solid Xander…
“Are you gonna be okay?”
Buffy could hear the underlined question ‘ever’ and she pressed forward a bright smile – not unlike the one she had presented that day at the Hellmouth.
“Yeah.” She shrugged and glided off the chair in one graceful motion. “Off course.”
He watched her in silence for a moment before nodding his approval – letting her know that her act had succeeded.
“Okay,” he said and rose to his feet, blinking with his one remaining eye. “I’m glad.” And with that he left the kitchen, leaving Buffy to her own thoughts.
Buffy drew in a deep breath and let her hand glide down into the pocket off her jeans to fish out an item there – that she always carried with her; Spike’s lighter.
She’d stolen in the last night – when he was still asleep on the cot. Desperately wanting some sort of memory off him if things got out of hand.
She stared down at it, carefully examining its contours with her thumb. Caressing it as if she was caressing the vampire it once had belonged to.
Did I know then that he wouldn’t make it out of there alive? Was that the reason to why I took his lighter?
Did I know that Spike would die…?”
Buffy flipped and turned the Zippo in her hand, unaware off the slender girl that silently watched from the shadows.
All that was, was a sense of loss greater than anything she’d ever encountered.
“Spike…”
~ ~ ~ ~
Dawn stood with her hands firmly placed on her hips and a stubborn expression in her young face.
"Xander, her life was ruined the day he died.”
Xander shook his head and began pacing back and forth over the floor in the living room. Everything about him screamed that he really didn’t want to be there right now.
It was almost so that Dawn pitied him. Almost…
“You know she’s not okay. She will never be okay.” She stared him down. “You should know that her hand still tingles from where she and Spike were been joined by fire.”
Dawn said and saw him flinch at that.
“We gotta tell her that he came back. That he was on Los Angeles with Angel…”
"Buffy can't know, Dawn." Xander came to a halt, eyes dark with worry. "That could ruin her life."
“Or not.”
“Really?” He raised a sarcastic eyebrow. “How would it help her to find out that Spike came back – and didn’t tell her?” Pause. “Or that he’s missing – presumably dead, after facing the army that the Senior Partner’s unleashed on Angel and the rest of the team?”
There was a short silence following Xander’s rant. But being Dawn, she couldn’t leave it like that.
“But what if he isn’t?” Meeting his glare. “What if he’s out here somewhere?”
“Okay, let’s assume that he made it – although I highly doubt that,” Xander said and resumed pacing. “Why haven’t we heard from him?”
Another pause. Longer this time.
“Maybe he can’t,” Dawn said after a while. “Maybe he’s hurt rally bad and can’t get to us.”
“Dawn…”
“Maybe he’s…”
Xander walked over to the young woman and placed to heavy hands on her slim shoulders. His one eye stared down at her without mercy.
“Stop it,” he said harshly. “If Spike really is alive – or undead… whatever, he’d be by Buffy’s side by now.” Pause. “You know that.”
After what seemed like an eternity, Dawn nodded and averted her gaze.
“I know.”
They stood in silence for a while, each deeply in their own thoughts when they suddenly heard a familiar voice – one they’d never expected to hear again, coming from the TV- room.
“Oh God…” Dawn stared in shock at Xander. “Buffy found Andrew’s tape…”
“Oh God…”
~ ~ ~ ~
Buffy watched the tape with tears streaming down her checks. She smiled when she saw how Spike obeyed Andrew’s directions. The Big Bad and all of his bravado put to shame by a irritating boy. It was amusing to say the least.
To hear and see Spike again was a bittersweet experience and Buffy wasn’t completely sure that she had the strength to watch it any further. But some kind of sick and probably twisted part of her couldn’t stop. She needed this. Needed to trace her finger over his face on the screen.
Now, she could see the camera zoom in on the sleeping form of Spike. The vampire laid sprawled out on the small cot, cute as a… let’s face it, a button when he growled in his sleep.
“Follow me gentle viewers,” narrated Andrew as the camera kept zooming in on the unknowing vampire, “when I tell the story about the heroic vampire called Spike. A vicious vampire back in the day – ‘til he met his match in the golden slayer we know as Buffy…”
“Sod off!” it came sleepily from the cot and Buffy smiled through her tears as Spike swung his legs over the bedside and gracefully got up to his feet. “And what did I tell you about filming me when I’m sleeping?”
“But,” Andrew whined, “this is a important part of my documentary of the amazing lives of the vampire with a soul and his beloved slayer.”
“Bloody buggering not!!” Spike gave the boy a threatening glare as he reached for his cigarette package. “There will be no documentary!!”
“A clip on youtube?” Andrew asked hopefully.
“Nah,” Spike lit his cigarette and inhaled the smoke with a content sighs. “Ah, that’s the stuff.”
“But, Spike…” Andrew’s voice absolutely rang of eagerness. “Think about it; there will be a movie made about you two. The slayer and the vampire. I can already see the poster for it.” A happy sigh. “It will be the best movie ever. Filled with love, hate, passion and heroic deeds. A story about a young girl who was called and had to face her worst nightmares… A vampire who walked through the decades never knowing true love ‘til he met her…”
“You’re off your trolley…”
“But it’s true, isn’t it?” asked Andrew. “You love Buffy…”
Buffy held her breath awaiting the vampire’s answer.
On the screen Spike nodded and averted his gaze.
“Always will.” He looked up and into the camera. “She’s the One.”
You’re the one, Buffy.
“Wow,” breathed Andrew. “This is so romantic…”
“Not anything of the kind,” Spike dismissed and shrugged. “There can never be anything between us. She has her calling and I’m only a vampire.”
“A vampire with a soul!”
“Doesn’t do much good,” Spike concluded with a sad smile. “It’s already too late for us.” He focused on the boy and fired off a deadly grin. “And you will tell no one about this, understood?”
The screen went black and Buffy blinked away the tears. She was about to turn the TV off when the image blurred and another scene appeared on the screen.
She leaned forward when she recognized the corridors of the Wolfram and Hart building. When the hell did Andrew… Oh, right… Dana…
“Unaware of the fact that he’s being tailed by the amazing watcher – that would be me, the vampire with a soul is heading out on a solo mission in order to aid another slayer.” Pause. “What is it with him and slayers anyway?”
As the boy rounded a corner of the corridor, Buffy could suddenly get a glimpse off a billowing coat and her breath was immediately caught in the throat.
It couldn’t be…
“The vampire known as Spike,” narrated Andrew, “is truly a lone ranger. He has rejected the help of his friends in order to find the crazy slayer and rescue her from herself – all on his own. This is truly the act of a hero.” Pause. “And maybe because he and Angel don’t seem to be buddy buddies…”
Rounding yet another corridor the camera catch up with the elusive vampire and Buffy saw the bleached blond hair and the signature coat that was all Spike.
She couldn’t believe her eyes.
He’s supposed to be dead. I know this. I saw it. I was there. I saw the amulet burn him from the inside and out. I. Saw. Him. Die!!!
On the screen Spike disappeared into a room and when Andrew entered it the vampire were nowhere to be found.
“Blasted!” Andrew cursed. “I lost him!”
The scene went black and Buffy stared right at it, not really seeing it. She was in a state of complete shock.
Spike had somehow returned from his death at the Hellmouth. Or had he died at all?
She shook her head at that thought. Off course he died. She’d seen it first hand.
On the other side, she had returned form the dead – why shouldn’t he?
But why hadn’t he contacted her?
Suddenly the screen came to life again and Buffy blinked in surprise. How many opportunities had Andrew had to film Spike?
She gritted her teeth when she recognized the apartment in Rome where her body- double had lived pretending to be the real deal.
Had Spike actually come to Rome?
Maybe looking for her?
The screen revealed Spike and… Angel(?) standing in the apartment. The latter seemed very upset for some reason, while Spike appeared to take it all in a stride.
“But she's not finished baking yet! I gotta wait 'til she's done baking. You know, 'til she finds herself. 'Cause that's the drill. Fine. I'm waitin' patiently, and meanwhile,” Angel shouted, “The Immortal's eatin' cookie dough!”
Buffy actually had the decency to blush at that. She had thrown Angel a bone back in Sunnydale, but almost immediately regretted it. Because what she’d said to him about Spike being in her heart had been completely true. She’d just realized it too late.
“Uh, Spike, is Angel crying?” Andrew’s voice was heard saying with a incredulous tone.
”No.” Pause. “Not yet.”
The scene played out and soon the two vampires left the apartment. When the door closed behind them, Andrew turned the camera around to film himself.
“Right….Ok, I promised Spike I wouldn’t tell Buffy about him. I just don’t get why. I know she misses him…” Pause. “I guess that what he said about finding himself was really true. It’s just sad though.” Andrew snivelled. “What a tragic story this is; a heroic, handsome vampire who got his soul for the love of his life: The Slayer. Only to be separated from her by destiny…”
This time, when the screen faded to black, Buffy instinctively knew that it was it. No more Spike.
She broke into sobs and started rocking back and forth on the carpet. The pain of knowing that Spike was back and that he hadn’t told her was almost too much to bear.
Why… Why didn’t he want her to know?
Didn’t he love her anymore?
She’s the One…
Through her tears she could suddenly make out the form of her sister as she kneed by Buffy’s side.
“It’s going to be okay, Buffy,” Dawn assured her. “If Spike’s alive we’ll find him.”
A long pause.
Then Buffy raised a tearstained face to her sister.
“What do you mean, alive…?”
It was then she noticed the look in Dawn’s face and knew that the worst was yet to come.
Oh God…
“Dawn…?”
Tbc…