A/N: Started something new against my own wishes, but I couldn't stop myself. I hope you like it. A little S/D at first, but this will quickly move into Spuffy. Let me know if you like the idea or if it's all shit. Hoping for the former.
***
He and Dru fought one night. It was something stupid that no one can remember and he walked out. Wasn't the first time. He'd go on some bender and be back that night or the next day, wasted and spouting off apologies, he really couldn't stay mad at her.
After two days we called the police, but they really couldn't help. We kept looking, and after a week were terrified, because no one had heard from him, and Willy said that the last time he'd seen Spike, he'd left with some group of guys he'd never seen before or after. Dru was going crazy, she already had problems, and this just made them worse.
Three months, we kept looking and asking and nothing happened, and no one could really help us.
One morning I walked out to get the paper, and I heard something off to the side of the porch. I looked over and he was sitting there, huddled into a corner. I don't think he could recognize me, and he screamed when I tried to touch him.
***
Buffy Summers had been a psychiatrist for a few years now, and she'd seen some horrible things. The file she was looking at now didn't seem so terrible at first. William Giles, late twenties, moving his way up in a law firm, living with his girlfriend and his cousin and her boyfriend. He'd disappeared for a few months, when he came back he was different.
His family believed he'd been kidnapped but he claimed he couldn't remember what had happened. He'd withdrawn from everyone, taken a leave of absence from work, and he'd tried to kill himself three times before they'd brought him to her.
Buffy understood the reasons for his family's reticence about bringing in William for any treatment. They were afraid he'd be sent to the mental ward, and they didn't want any of his problems now to affect his future with Wolfram and Hart.
Mental Breakdowns in L.A. weren't rare, but it didn't help to advertise them.
Buffy turned through the pages of her predecessor's notes. William had been seeing someone else before being brought to Buffy, and Buffy could see why none of this man's work had helped. There were mentions of a twisted sexual life and perverse and unhealthy relationships. She'd been interested at first, but then she'd read accounts of the "twisted" and "perverse" and decided the man was simply a prude, and obviously not up to date on the modern views of certain sexual practices.
The man was damn near old enough, she decided, to be an actual student of Freud's.
She finished the notes and tossed them aside. He'd probably done more damage with the disapproving and disgusted looks she could imagine him giving William, than the actual thing that had made him want to end his life. He'd been unable to break through William's mental wall surrounding the events of his three month absence. No one could even get past the fight with his girlfriend, Drusilla.
William remembered leaving the house, walking to the bar nearby and ordering some whiskey. After that he either froze or claimed ignorance.
Buffy took out the interviews conducted with his family and friends. They talked about William's attitude before and after, some so heartbreaking, Buffy could barely maintain a professional distance. Drusilla, and her friend Angel, both of whom lived with William, had probably the most terrible stories.
She set them aside for later perusal when she could get her emotions under control.
After a few more police reports and some random interviews from doctors that had treated him after his return, Buffy found the pictures.
This was what made his case a little bit hard to take. He'd been mightily abused while he was away. Beaten and raped, that much she would have expected, but the marks on his skin. The words that had been carved into his back and chest, the places where it looked as if they'd branded him...
Buffy turned the photos over and sat back to take a deep breath. She would have to face William tomorrow and see it all in living color. She couldn't do that unless she calmed down and distanced herself completely. It didn't matter that she'd never treated someone who'd been so disfigured both physically and emotionally, it didn't matter that with him an entire family and circle of friends had been brought low.
All that mattered was making him better, and she could do it, only if she kept her heart out of this.
***
He's my cousin. I've always taken care of him. Angel always looked out for him as well. They didn't like each other at first, Spike was too cocky and protective of me and Dru, and Angel was the one we both adored. They learned to live with it, and I think we all were making a good life.
He and Dru fought sometimes, not a lot, but after the big ones he would always go to Willy's. Angel and I thought nothing of it. Dru came in crying, we thought she was in one of her fits. She kept saying that something was coming for her knight, that he would never be hers again.
Guess it was a fit, she's never been wrong.
***
Spike sat in the bathroom and tried not to think.
Dru was in the other room waiting for him and he knew he couldn't go in there unless everyone in his head shut-up. Dru tried to teach him how to meditate, how to clear his mind.
He was just as crazy as she'd ever been, probably crazier. She didn't still jump at every loud noise, or wake up screaming, or cover the mirrors so she didn't have to look at herself. She didn't have a panic attack if she got a little aroused. She didn't look like a bloody book under her clothes.
He put his face in his hands and tried to forget everything but her. They were so good together, so perfect for each other and he hadn't been able to show her how much he still loved her for almost half a year now, more than that if you counted all the time he'd been gone.
She hadn't pushed him to restart their sexual relationship, she seemed to understand that he needed the distance and the time, but he could see how much she missed it.
It had been so long since they'd been together. He literally couldn't remember the last time he'd gotten off. He could remember the last time he'd made love to Dru, but he knew that wasn't it.
He stood and shook his head, taking a deep breath. He put his hand on the door that lead to their bedroom and stopped. He waited for a minute until he could breathe normally and pushed it open.
She was sitting on the bed in one of his t-shirts. He used to love it when she wore his shirts, something about it got to him, but right now none of it was registering. He fought down his growing panic and walked toward her, she stood and met him.
They stood for a moment and Spike leaned in to kiss her softly. This was something he could handle. Kissing her, holding her, he could do that, no problem, and he'd be satisfied with it if that were all she wanted, but he knew she needed more and didn't understand why he would stop.
Spike pushed all his anxieties aside and focused on Dru's mouth. He ran his tongue along her lips and coaxed her to open up for him. She did so eagerly and soon their kisses were getting more passionate than Spike had intended. He slowed down and could feel her frustration, and his own, even though she did nothing to make it known.
He pushed her back toward the bed and knelt at her feet, running his hands up her legs. She looked at him questioningly but he just kissed her once and pushed her back, lifting the shirt until he could pull it off of her.
He ducked and took a nipple into his mouth, sucking gently. She closed her eyes and sighed before letting out a low moan.
He was glad that she had closed her eyes, he couldn't bear her to look at him. Not when he was painfully aware that there was absolutely nothing going on downstairs.
He spent more time at her breasts, waiting until she was practically begging him to touch her where she needed it most.
She wouldn't beg him out loud though. Since he had come back he'd been significantly less vocal. He talked only when he really needed to. She realized that he didn't really like to communicate with words anymore at all, and she'd gone near silent along with him.
He looked up before moving down her body and studied her face.
"I love you," he whispered, and he managed a smile when he heard her echo him.
On his way down he reached down a hand and tried in vain to provoke some kind of response in himself manually. He prayed his tongue would make her come hard enough that she wouldn't notice his lack. He doubted it though. They never talked about it, but he knew she knew.
He couldn't get it up, not with himself, not with her, not with anything or anyone. He fucking hated it, and he hated whatever it was that had done this to him. Made him into nothing, a scared, scarred, half-man, with a girlfriend (almost fiance) he couldn't please.
He made love to her with his mouth and when it was over her kissed her quickly before disappearing into the bathroom.
Dru pulled on her shirt and pulled the covers around her, feeling more lonely then, than before he had started.
***
They came and took him. I can't see them, I could never see them. He was the bravest, the wisest, and they smashed and bashed until he thought himself nothing. He's all gone now, and I knew, but I couldn't stop him until it was too late. Now he'll only be healed with sunshine, I can see her surrounding him.
He doesn't know it yet, but he will.