He could see her silhouette at Joyce’s grave, could smell her tears. Just seeing her cry could make him weep, but if she knew, she would make it seem a weakness. He refused to listen to the soft words she was speaking to her mom, knowing how personal they must be but that didn’t stop him from listening to the sound of her talk. He loved her voice. It could drive him insane or soothe him in an instant.
“Spike?”
He shook his head and let reality flood back.
“Ya kitten?”
“Where were you?” she asked softly.
He took tentative steps closer to her, “Not quite sure I follow.”
“I called you a couple of times but you were too spaced out to hear me. Where were you in there?” she asked, finger tapping her head lightly.
He smiled, “Just thinking about some things I suppose, and I didn’t wanna’ listen in.”
She smiled back, “It’s funny, sometimes I think you’re the only one who can listen to me, who can actually hear me.”
She began to walk away at a gentle pace, going nowhere, just needing to move and he followed.
“Is that right?” he asked, not willing to look her in the eyes in case she was mocking him.
“You know it is Spike, you’ve known it for a long time. There’s only so long I can stay blind to certain things, no matter how blond I am.”
Spike chuckled. “Well, you’re not a boring chit so it never hurts to listen to you…actually Slayer, sometimes it hurts a lot.”
She winced and looked at his pale face marred by the black eye she’d given him last week when one of their conversations had turned for the worse and sighed.
“I’m sorry Spike, I honestly can’t say why I do the things I do to you anymore. There’s no justification.”
“Are you feeling alright Slayer?” he asked, stopping them in their tracks and grabbing her arm to turn her towards him. There were no tears, no malice in her eyes.
She shrugged her free shoulder and smiled sadly. “Yes, no, one day…maybe never. I don’t know anymore. I just know that I’m tired of fighting. My mom wouldn’t have wanted me to be so angry.” she added wistfully.
She gently tugged her arm free of his grasp and sat down, leaning against the door of his crypt. Ever so carefully he joined her.
“No, I don’t suspect she’d want you to be anything but happy Buffy.”
“Why can’t I be friends with you? What malfunction do I have in my head that tells me to take the only person in my life who ever gave a shit about what I really wanted and beat the shit out of him on a weekly basis?”
Spike sighed, “Because I’m not the only person sweets, I’m the only THING that listens. It’s because I’m just a thing that you do what you do, because I’m one of the bad guys.”
He could feel the anger start to roll off her in waves and tensed, waiting for the blow to come, when it didn’t he looked her in the eyes, what shocked him most was that she was looking back.
“You’re not the thing Spike…I am. I am because I’m the one who made you feel this way, I’m the one who let others make you feel this way. You’re the only constant I’ve had in my life and you terrify me.”
He couldn’t move, didn’t even dare to mimic breathing at this point.
“You’re one of my best friends and I’m the bitch that tears you to shreds every Monday night.”
“Buffy…”
She stood up and brushed the brittle remnants of dried leaves from her pants, “Please, don’t say anything. Just think for a bit and let me know if we can start again okay?”
He nodded his head and watched her walk away, unable to stand up for fear his legs would give out.
Buffy woke up and looked at the window, the source of the noise that had roused her from her sleep. Tiny little ‘ping’ sounds, she smiled, someone was throwing pebbles at her window. Someone more of a night person than most she bet.
She poked her head out the window and with a giggle addressed her midnight caller.
“Spike, what are you doing here?”
For a moment she thought he wasn’t going to say anything, but ever so softly she heard the soft words.
“Am I really your best friend?”
She could have laughed at it really, a slayer and a vampire discussing their standing with one another in the early pre-dawn hours, she could have laughed, if the whole thing didn’t break her heart.
“Yes.”
Was he smiling? She couldn’t tell from her viewpoint at the window. The wind blew into the open window softly, causing the light material of her curtains brush against her and she shivered in response.
“Cold?”
She nodded, “You?”
“Always” he said with a small smirk, but it lacked it’s usual mocking tone.
“Hot chocolate?”
“Sounds good kitten.”
He could hear the sound of her tip-toeing down the stairs so as not to wake Dawn and when she opened the door he was waiting.
He let her remain silent for a full minute before asking with a tentative smile, “Care to invite me in pet, or shall I smash myself against the barrier and see where that gets me?”
“There’s no barrier, not since you helped me with Angel.” she admitted and turned to walk towards the kitchen, not seeing the look of awe on the vampires face.
By the time he joined her in the kitchen the kettle was on a bag of mini marshmallows sitting on the island next to her, a chair pulled out for him on the other side of it.
For awhile they sat in silence, the only sound the sipping of their warm drinks once they’d been prepared.
“Do you believe in heaven Spike?”
“Well, I know there has to be one because you were there.”
“Do you believe that’s where you’ll go?”
He chuckled softly. “No kitten, I don’t expect that’s where I’ll end up.”
She sighed and he swore he heard sadness in the sound. “You do good things now, you’re making amends.”
When he didn’t answer she continued, “Do you want to know what I think Spike?”
“Always have” he admitted sincerely and she smiled at him.
“I think that’s where you’ll go.”
Amused, Spike asked, “And why is that?”
“I have a theory. When you’re turned your soul leaves your body and the demon comes in right?”
He nodded.
“Right, so I think that if vampires can feel that maybe a small part of their soul is stuck inside with the demon, and that when you die, the demon releases that piece and it can join the other part.”
“I guess I’m following you kitten, but what are you trying to get at?”
He was surprised by how much thought she had put into all this.
“As William, were you a good man?” she asked, already knowing the answer.
“Yes” he whispered.
“Then why would you go to hell if it was only a tiny piece of your soul that did the damage that it did if you’re making amends now?”
“I can’t rightly answer that…” he gave a bright smile, “But who knows, maybe I’ll join you up there and you can watch me being forced to play the harp.”
Buffy laughed and then got a far away look on her face.
“Heaven wasn’t like that for me.”
“I was kidding luv’…”
“I know, but I think it could be like that, I think heaven is how the person perceives it. If I’d wanted to be in a field of flowers then I think I could have made it happen, I think I could have wished for nothing in sight but puppies…you get the point.”
“You’ll be back someday again sweets, when you’re nice and old and lived a long life.”
Her face turned serious, “Please don’t ever lie to me Spike, not you too.”
He cleared his throat, surprised by the emotions he had to choke back, “Well, a long life for a slayer kitten, longer still if I can help.”
“I know…Spike?”, her hand tentatively reached for his and held it softly.
Raising his eyes to hers disbelievingly he waited for her to continue.
“Do you think you’ll ever consider me a best friend too?”
He nodded his head ‘yes’, afraid to open his mouth and not be able to speak and he was graced with the most beautiful smile he’d ever seen in all his years.
Standing up slowly she walked around the island to where he sat and wrapped her arms around him in a gentle hug.
By a will of their own his eyes shut as she held him closer, head resting on his shoulder, while he breathed in deeply of the slayer posed so trustfully in his arms.
His hand reached up to run a hand along her hair, “Well be okay kitten, no more worries…no more worries now…”, what had finally broken her he wondered silently.
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