Chapter 12
It had been two days since Spike had seen Buffy at Xander’s house, two days that he had spent trying to engross himself in his work, but not really being able to. He had a lot of paperwork being sent to him from the office in L.A. but he could only concentrate enough to work on half of it. It had been so hard to be close to her, the hatred she felt towards him rolling off her in near palpable waves. Every time he thought of her now he recalled the slap she greeted him with and the way she looked at him. She was disappointed and hurt and all Spike wanted to do was take everything back. If only she could see all the unsent letters he had written over the past ten years; he had never worked up the courage to send them, but now he wished he had.
“William, Xander is on the phone,” Jenny called up the stairs.
Alrigh’, Mum.” Spike walked out of his bedroom and down the stairs to where his mother stood with her arm stretched out, phone in her hand. Taking it from her, he smiled before walking into the living room for some quiet.
“Hey, Xand, wha’s up?” Spike asked his friend.
“Hey, man, I was wondering if you wanted to come out tonight with us. Willow’s arriving later on today with Tara and we were gonna head to the Bronze, what do you think?”
“Is Buffy going to be there?” He had a feeling she would be, he just needed confirmation of it.
“Yeah, that isn’t gonna be a problem is it?” Spike could hear the sound of chewing on the other end and knew Xander was eating something.
“Can you go one phone call without snacking, mate? Your tux ain’t gonna fit you by the time of the wedding.”
“Shut up. So are you coming?” Xander bit another mouthful of sandwich and chewed again.
“Sure, what time?” He didn’t even have to think about it, any chance he could get to spend with Buffy was great for him. Maybe he could show her exactly how he had changed over the years since he stopped emailing her and how he regretted acting like a fool and not listening to his heart. He had the next month to prove to her that he still loved her with everything he had. If after the wedding she never wanted to see him again, it would hurt, but he’d be able to move on with no regrets.
*~*~*~*~*
Spike walked into the night club thirty minutes late so that he wouldn’t have to sit alone and wait. As he walked through the club he was given flirty glances and touches, but he ignored them. Tonight he was on a mission, to make sure Buffy knew how he felt. As he walked through the crowd and spotted the gang, he stopped and watched her as she laughed at something stupid Xander had done. This was something that would have to be kept in his memory because he doubted she would be laughing with him anytime soon.
“Spike, glad you could make it!” Xander smiled, hand around his fiancé’s . Willow stood up to give him a hug, with Tara following suit the moment Willow let go.
“How’ve you been? It’s been so long!” Willow said as she stepped back and watched her girlfriend and friend hug.
“‘ve been well, thanks, what about you ladies? What are you two up to lately? Still beating off all the men I suppose!” He winked at Tara and she blushed. Buffy just sat there in awe as she watched him be so relaxed around the two. “You staying here until the wedding? Didn’t think you’d be allowed the time off work, Red!”
“We’re just here for the weekend, going back Monday. We’re all going to have the dress fittings tomorrow.”
“No rest for the wicked righ’!” He smirked then looked at Buffy who was trying to look anywhere but at him. Willow and Tara took their seats again and Anya stood up and sat on Xander’s lap, leaving the seat next to Buffy free. Buffy and Spike stared at the now vacant seat, Buffy’s expression conveying how terrified she was at the thought of having to sit so close to Spike.
“I got up so you could sit down, so why aren’t you sitting?” Anya looked as if she would eat his head if he didn’t sit, but then he thought of the perfect plan.
“Anyone like a drink?”
“Nah, I’m alright.” Xander held up his almost full bottle of beer. Anya did the same, holding up a fruity concoction that Spike didn’t think he wanted to try, ever.
“What about you two?” He bypassed Buffy and went straight to Willow and Tara, who had full drinks too. “Buffy?” He watched as she looked from her empty glass to him.
“I’m okay, thanks. Not thirsty.”
“C’mon, wha’ will you ‘ave? On me.”
“I’ll have a coke then, please.” No way was she going to drink any more.
“Ah c’mon, live a l’il.” He watched her struggling and interrupted her thoughts, “I’ll get you a beer.” Before she could protest he was off to get the drinks.
“Are you okay, Buffy?” Willow looked at her best friend; she knew this must be tough on her, especially since he seemed to be trying to be nice.
“I’m fine, just need to go freshen up. I’ll be right back.” She smiled at Willow and then left the table, walking slowly to the bathroom. She was just about to walk in when she was stopped by a hand on her shoulder, turning around she saw Spike with the bottles of beer.
“You aren’t mad that I came are you?”
“No, it’s a free world, but it doesn’t mean I have to speak to you.” She was about to walk away when he stopped her again.
“I’m sorry, you know, I never meant for any of this to happen but it did. I always loved you. Always have and always will.” He watched as tears brimmed in her eyes.
“I still love you, too, but it can never be the same, you acted like you didn’t care. I tried to keep us together, even if it meant being just friends until we could see each other again, but you just completely stopped talking to me. I don’t think I can ever forgive you.”
“But I didn’t stop writing to you, I have ten years of unsent letters addressed to you. I couldn’t work up the courage to send them. I know I’m a right coward, but I was afraid that I was keeping you from living a life.” He paused and looked around the room, trying to distract himself from what he was about to say, and stop the tears threatening to spill. In a quiet voice he said, “I also couldn’t deal with what I had done to you.” The tears in his eyes fell and his breath kept catching in his throat.
“What you did to me? What do you mean?” She knew he wasn’t talking about the letters, there was something else troubling him and he needed to get it out.
“I used them, all those girls I used so I didn’t have to think about you having a great time without me.” Spike wasn’t making very much sense and now the people around them were looking at the sobbing man strangely.
“Come on, Spike.” She dragged him into the ladies’ room and placed him so he was resting at the sinks.
“None of them could be you, Buffy, but I needed something to take the pain away.”
“Spike,” she shook him, “What are you talking about?”
“I hurt you by sleeping with someone else, didn’t know how to handle it.”
“Are you saying you slept with someone before I left?” She felt like she had just been gutted by a rusty hook. If he said yes she didn’t think she could live anymore.
“No, I couldn’t control myself. I needed something to take away the pain, needed girls.”
“SPIKE!” she screamed. He was worrying her now, with the way he was rambling. Where had the bottles of beer gone? She could really use a drink right now.
Spike’s rambling continued, “You left, and I slept around, don’t you see Buffy, I cheated on you, I couldn’t control my desires and so I cheated on you, it’s why I stopped the emails, I couldn’t deal with how you would react.” He was sobbing into his hands now.
“How could you? I thought you said that we were meant for each other! You stopped writing just because you got your rocks off with someone else? We could have gotten through that if you had told the truth. Now I don’t think we can ever be the same again.” Buffy walked away from him so they had a bit of distance between them.
“What if we start over?” Spike looked up, tears running down his cheeks.
“I don’t think it could work.” Buffy shook her head and sighed.
“Well, can’t we just try? This month we could learn about each other all over again. If it doesn’t work, you don’t have to hear from me ever again.” Spike looked like a kicked puppy and all Buffy wanted to do was say yes, but then she remembered why this couldn’t happen.
“And what if what happens when you go back to London? Are you going to just quit on us again? I don’t think I could ever trust you enough to start over.” Buffy didn’t know when she had started to cry, but it seemed she couldn’t stop at the moment.
“If you can trust me, will you give it a shot?”
“Maybe, but I don’t think I ever could. Sorry, Spike.” With that she left the bathroom, stopping in the hall to pull herself together a bit. She went back to her friends’ table to make her excuses for leaving early. Their concerned looks prompted her to reassure them that she just wasn’t feeling well. What she really needed was to think about what had just happened with Spike. There was no way she could do that if she had to spend the rest of the evening pretending everything was normal.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
A big thanks to Kristi, for betaing this for me! You're the greatest, and to Sotia for reading through before so I knew if I had done the right thing! Love you both! And sorry for the long delay, but I'm a drama queen and need the attention! lol! Enjoy!!!
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Please just leave me a review! It makes me all happy inside