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Chapter 8- Trouble Me

Trouble me, disturb me with all your
care and worries
Trouble me on the days when
you feel spent
-10,000 Maniacs
- Trouble Me

Buffy was having a surreal moment. She was standing in William's shower, using his soap and shampoo and feeling like reality had taken a detour. She felt as though she'd dropped into some alternate universe like the crewmen always did in science fiction shows. I'm Alice and in a moment a white rabbit with a pocket watch will exclaim something about being late, open the door and let all the warm air out of the bathroom.

She shook her head trying to clear it. Or maybe I'm just scared out of my wits. This is happening so quickly. I've just got to remember William is not Angel, but I really have to go out there and explain. William needs to understand why I have these walls. He deserves it. I deserve it. Gathering her courage, she stepped out of the shower and dressed. She took a deep breath, feeling as though she really was about to step through the looking glass. Cautiously she walked into the living room.

Spike smiled at her and placed a cup of coffee in her hand. “This will help you warm up. I'll take a quick shower and then we can talk.” He thought with some amusement that it had better be a really cold shower.

He returned to find Buffy removing the towel wrapped around her long hair. Motioning her over to the couch, he took her hairbrush and began to work through the tangles.

Leaning over he murmured “You've the most beautiful hair. It's like sunshine. While I'm doing this luv, why don't you tell me whatever it is that you need to say?”

“I want to tell you about something in my past that will explain why I'm nervous about being with someone again.”

He touched her gently on the shoulder. “Buffy, you never need to be afraid of me. I could never hurt you. I started to fall for you that very first day, when I saw you standing in my doorway and you made that joke about the key. The past couple of days have merely added more layers to that original feeling.”

“I understand how you feel, because I'm starting to feel that way, too. But yes, I am petrified.”

Seeing her hesitation, Spike turned back to her hair hoping the touch would calm her.

“Please Buffy, just talk to me. Tell me whatever you feel is important.”

“I don't know if I've mentioned that I'm divorced. That's part of the reason for my reluctance. I just can't go through anything like that again.” Taking a deep breath she spoke haltingly. “I married Angel while we were still in college. He was a senior majoring in the theatre. I was a sophomore art major. We met when I volunteered to paint backdrops for extra credit. He was everything I wasn't: rich, talented and very eligible. It was flattering when he started paying attention to me, and I fell for him hard. When he proposed, I couldn't say yes fast enough.

After graduation he was offered a chance to work in a theatre production in New York City. It was off Broadway, but it was a leading role and a chance to make an impression and it could lead to something better. He had to take it. I wanted him to do it. I dropped out of college and we moved to New York.

Just before we moved, I found out I was pregnant. It was a happy surprise. I spent my days making a home for us and Angel dove into the play. The production was a hit.

It was like living in a fairy tale. I had the man I loved, who loved me, living in an incredible city with a much anticipated baby on the way.”

She made a small choking noise.

Spike's muscles tensed. He needed to reassure Buffy. Laying aside the brush, he placed his hand on her arm and squeezed lightly, before placing her hand in his. She took another deep breath, and continued.

“When I was three months pregnant, I had an ultrasound test done. They print a copy for the parents to keep. I hadn't visited the theatre in over a month because of severe morning sickness, so even though it was pouring rain, I decided to go over and have lunch with Angel and the rest of the cast.

I couldn't wait for Angel to see it. He was so disappointed about missing the appointment, but the leading lady had been out sick and they'd been using the understudy. Now that she was fit, they needed an extra rehearsal.

It took longer to get there because of the rain and lunch had already been called. I asked around and someone said Angel was in his dressing room. I went there to find him, and I found him on the couch having sex with Cordelia, the understudy.

I was so shocked and upset that I ran out of the theatre and just kept running. I ran right out into the street. A taxi hit me. ”

She was sobbing openly now so he gathered her in his arms and held her tightly. “I was in the hospital for almost two weeks. I lost the baby.

While I was still in the hospital, a dancer I knew from the production came to see me. She said Cordelia admitted to her that she and Angel had been involved since the second week we arrived in New York.

She also told her that Angel had gotten her pregnant, too. She bragged to the cast that when I had the baby, he was going to divorce me and marry her. Now that the baby wasn't an issue anymore, he was going to do it immediately.”

She took another deep breath. “My mom and Willow flew out to help. I refused to see Angel. While I was still in the hospital, I called an attorney and started divorce proceedings.

When I was discharged, they helped me pack my things and I came back here to Sunnydale. Three months later my mom got sick. When she died, Dawn and I moved here.”

She turned to Spike, tears coursing down her cheeks. “But the worse part of all? I think deep inside I knew I was running into that street.”

He held her late into the night while she cried, murmuring endearments and stroking her hair until she finally fell asleep. Spike realized that she would need time to learn how to trust again. He thought how ironic it was that he was trying to help her learn to trust again.

He had fallen deeply enough in love with her to attempt to push through his own pain. Wryly he though about a saying he'd once heard. It's like the blind leading the blind.

Now, he just needed to prove it to her. Because he planned to never let her go. With that realization Spike fell asleep.

To dream of his Aphrodite.





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