“Spike.” Buffy pushed past Giles and out the door. “Spike!” She spotted him a short way down the sidewalk and rushed to catch up. “Spike!”
“Just goin’ for a walk pet, wasn’t going far…well I guess now I couldn’t.” He laughed softly and bitterly.
“Spike…I…”
“You should think about what he said…makes sense.”
“No.” She shook her head. Her eyes filled with tears.
“I was never what you wanted.”
“I love you.”
He turned towards her angrily. “Don’t know me. I don’t even know who the sodding hell I am now.”
“Spike.” She pleaded.
“No not him, not now. Gave him up bit by bit…for you. Human. I was nothing before I was turned Buffy…nothing. No good to you now, you see. Can’t fight now right…not even good for that. Oh yeah…I noticed how you came up with clever little distractions every time I mentioned patrolling. You know it…hell Harris could probably take me out now. Right. Not a big man. Not a big bad. Just nothing.”
“Spike that’s not true…you were…you are a good man. I…”
“But I wasn’t pet…you see. William, he was weak, not bad really, just unwilling to see. Couldn’t be bothered…too wrapped up in his own little world. I was inconsequential luv, just nothing. And now… again.”
“Stop it! Stop…you are not weak. You are…” She shook her head and didn’t bother to hold back her tears. “You are the strongest man I have ever known.”
He scoffed.
“No. It’s my turn. You listen. You say that you were weak and nothing, but it can’t be true. That man did the impossible. He loved so hard he held back a demon and won back his soul. He…you…could never be nothing. You could never be weak. You’re incredible.”
Spike looked up at her in surprise and she saw the tears flowing freely down his face.
“You have to relinquish the claim pet. You can’t get stuck with me. What happens when you move on…new boy wants to take you away for the weekend. I’ll what, just tag along? Won’t work. Watcher-man is right…can’t just do this cause you’re sad about Angel or feelin’ bad cause I might get what’s comin’ to me.”
“That’s not…”
“Rather be in hell then have you hate me again.”
“Spike, that’s not…I couldn’t…don’t you…” She stopped suddenly, her face paling as she realized the truth. “You don’t, do you? You still don’t believe that I love you.”
He shrugged, his eyes cast downward.
“But the last few days…” Buffy shook her head, fighting back her natural reaction; anger wasn’t going to get her anywhere right now. “Why did you…”
Spike looked up then, stopping her question with a single arched eyebrow.
They both knew why he’d made love to her; he would do whatever she wanted regardless of his own feelings. He really couldn’t help himself. That’s what it means to be love’s bitch.
Buffy took a step back as a feeling of revulsion settled in her stomach; he thought she was just using him again, she realized. Worse, she knew it was her fault. She had told him that she couldn’t or wouldn’t love him so many times that it didn’t even seem possible to him. And of course it wasn’t like she had given him any time to get used to the idea this time around, she thought disgustedly; no she had practically jumped him the moment he showed up. ‘Of course he thinks you’re using him. Why wouldn’t he?’ She took a deep breath. “I do. Love you. I understand that you can’t see that and it’s ok…well I mean it’s not ok but…” Her lip trembled for a second before her tears started anew. She fell to her knees, dropped her head to her hands and pleaded in a small strangled voice that sounded nothing like her own. “Please don’t go.”
Spike’s eyes widened at the sight of her small body raked with sobs and kneeling at his feet. He had done this, he realized, he had brought this incredible woman to tears and begging. He was horrified. ‘May be human, but I’m still a monster.’ He dropped down and pulled her into his arms. “Please don’t cry pet; not worth it. I won’t go anywhere. You know that. Couldn’t get rid of me when you tried. Shhh now.” His hand cupped the back of her head and his fingers tangled in her hair. “Shh now.”
Buffy pulled back so that she could look at him. “I love you. I’m just going to keep saying it until you believe me, and…and I’ll show you, I’ll prove it.” She gave him a shaky little smile.
He leaned forward, kissed her on the forehead and told himself that it didn’t matter whether she loved him or not; she needed him. At least for right now, she needed him and it was enough.
*******************************************************
Buffy woke up frustrated. They’d all gone to bed soon after she and Spike came back in. She’d set Willow up in her room and pulled out the sofa-bed for Giles. She glanced at the clock and found it was only just past midnight. She turned over to watch Spike sleep.
She had told him that she didn’t think they should make love again until he believed her, until he knew she loved him. She’d done it for him; she didn’t want him thinking that she was using him, again. She’d wanted him to know that she was willing to wait until he was ready for a change, but he hadn’t looked too pleased. He’d shrugged and nodded and then she’d asked if it would still be okay for her to sleep there with him. When he agreed she’d crawled into the bed and they had lain on their separate sides for several minutes before he groaned and pulled her towards him. He’d spooned her, curling his body around her own, and nuzzled her neck.
“Ok?” he’d asked quietly and she had snuggled closer in response. They’d both soon fallen asleep; exhausted from the emotional roller coaster they’d ridden all evening.
But now, only a few hours later, Buffy was awake again. She was frustrated and she was angry. With herself mostly, she acknowledged. She needed to get rid of some energy. Quietly, so as not wake Spike, she slid out of bed and pulled on a sweatshirt and a pair of sneakers. A moment later she gently shut the front door and began jogging towards the only cemetery she’d seen since coming to town. With any luck, she thought, she’d find something other than herself to fight with.
Ten minutes later Spike woke trembling. He sat up quickly, his breath coming in hard pants and his hands gripping the sheets tightly.
“Whoa.”
It had been a familiar nightmare and yet different. He’d had dreams, or memories really, about his victims many times since getting his soul back. Hell, he’d had them a few times before the soul, if he were honest. But he was always himself in those dreams; he relived moments from his own perspective. Sure he didn’t always feel like the same person, he often pleaded helplessly with that Spike to stop, but he was looking through his own eyes and feeling with his own hands. This time he’d been her; this time he’d watched himself through her eyes. He was the little Chinese slayer and not the monster that killed her. He’d heard her thoughts and understood her words. He knew that her final thoughts had been of regret, guilt and her mother. He knew that she had taken no pleasure from the fight; it was a duty, an honor even, but never a joy. And when he died by his own hands and fangs, he became another girl fighting the same fight with a different but same monster. But then he wasn’t the girl anymore; he was no one. He was outside watching in, and she was there, and she was hurt, and he woke up.
“Buffy”
He knew without looking that she wasn’t there, that she wasn’t in the house even, though he couldn’t have explained how he knew. It was just a sense. He felt alone, incomplete even, when she wasn’t close. Probably has to do with that whole soul claim mumbo jumbo, he thought getting out of bed. He’d left his jeans on in deference to her ‘let’s not have sex’ plan, so he quickly grabbed a shirt and slid on his boots. He bent his head from side to side, stretching his neck, and headed downstairs.
He moved quietly into the living room and stood still for a moment watching the watcher. The other man hadn’t moved, but Spike knew he was awake.
“How long?”
“Perhaps ten minutes.” He opened his eyes.
“Which way?”
“I think she headed towards Northwood Cemetery, probably just patrolling.”
“Right.” Spike headed towards the door.
“Spike, I rather think…” Giles sat up as the door shut and sighed. “Guess it really doesn’t matter what I think.”
He reached over, felt for his glasses and turned on the lamp. Sitting up, he acknowledged the inevitable feelings of jealousy that now peppered all of his encounters with Spike. It wasn’t his relationship with Buffy, though the loss of their former closeness still stung. No, it was the freedom with which the other man lived. Spike, he’d often thought, did and said whatever he was feeling. It was like he lived without an internal filter, and no matter how many stupid things he did, it always seemed to work out for him. And that, Giles thought with frown, was truly irritating. Certainly he too wanted to follow Buffy. He wanted to make sure she was safe, but he held himself back. He waited.
“What’s going on? I heard the door.”
Giles was startled to find Willow standing in front of him; he hadn’t even heard her coming down the stairs.
“Oh, it’s nothing. Buffy I believe decided to go patrolling and Spike has chased after her.”
“Oh, so things are getting back to normal.” She smiled.
He let out a small chuckle. “Yes, in a way I suppose…”
“So what’s with the frown-face?”
Giles sighed and shook his head. “I’m not entirely certain that normal is possible under these circumstances nor am I at all convinced that this is a normal we ought to…”
“She looked good though, didn’t she?”
“What?”
“Buffy. She looked better. Spike made her look better.”
“Perhaps, but…”
“He loves her.” She shrugged, not sure what else to say.
Giles nodded. That was an increasingly hard fact to dispute.
“And he’s human now…” Willow grinned impishly. “Which makes him about the most normal guy Buffy’s ever dated.”
Giles looked up. “Well yes, that does put this in perspective some doesn’t it…at least she hasn’t…”
“Found another vampire.” She finished his sentence with a giggle.
Giles suddenly remembered the day Buffy told him that she’d been sleeping with Spike and was once again brought to laughter.
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