Spike opened the bathroom door a crack and listened to the sound of the shower. “Are you sure that you’re not hurt?”
“I’m fine, or I will be once I scrub everywhere. Gross slimy cemetery.”
He laughed. “Need some help?”
Buffy smiled for a second before remembering her rule. She frowned. Stupid rule, stupid Buffy, she thought, but she was determined not to screw up this chance with him. “No, I’m good. Almost done actually.”
“Right. I’ll just leave you to it then.” Spike closed the door and walked over to the bedroom.
He was sitting on the bed when she came in a few moments later.
She tightened the arm holding up her towel. “Spike. I umm…I need to get dressed.”
He nodded. “I really think I should just check and make sure you’re not hurt.”
She looked at him as though he’d lost his mind. “I’m fine. I fell out of a tree. I’m not even scraped up.”
“Still…” he stood up “you can never be too careful.” He moved towards her, smooth as a jungle cat, and leaned down to whisper in her ear. “I think I should give you a good look over, just in case.”
Buffy trembled as his warm breath brushed against her neck. She swallowed and stepped back. “Spike, we said that we wouldn’t…we can’t…” She trailed off when he closed the space between them again.
“Never really been one for rules.”
“I just don’t want you to think that I’m using you for…I don’t want to hurt you again.”
Spike gave a low chuckle.
“What?”
“I’m trying to avoid the obvious response Buffy.”
“Which is?”
“Not touching you does hurt me.” He looked down and shook his head in frustration. “Whenever you leave the house, hell whenever you leave the room, I feel like I’m missing a part of my soul. It’s like I’m not real. The only time any of this…” he gestured towards himself and then around the room “feels right is when I’m with you.”
“Because of the claim, Willow said that distance might…”
“No, Buffy, because I love you.”
“Spike…” Her eyes welled.
“Don’t you see? I don’t even know who I am, what kind of man…but I know that I love you. Do you have any idea how terrifying that is? To love like that.”
Buffy nodded and let the tears fall. “I think it’s always scary Spike. Love. I’m always scared, but you, you’re the brave one. That’s who you are. You say you don’t know what kind of man you are, but I do. You’re brave and no matter how scary it is you love, you love with everything you have, I don’t know anyone else who loves like that…I want to...for you, you deserve that kind of love. And…and you’re kind; you always worry about everyone else more than yourself. You took care of Dawnie and Mom, and you took care of me, again and again. And you’re strong, Spike, you’re so strong.”
He was crying now and he didn’t bother to try and hide it. “I’m not. That was the demon, Buffy, I’ve never been strong. If I was I wouldn’t have hurt you. I never wanted to but I did, I was weak and …bad. I’m not…”
“No Spike. No.” She shook her head vehemently. “You knew it was wrong and you made sure that the demon would never be stronger than you again. You are a good man.”
“What if I don’t know how to be a man anymore?” The question came out quietly but clearly.
Buffy looked at him surprised. She’d realized that the whole newly human thing was odd for him but she hadn’t realized how much it was bothering him until that moment. Of course it would, the voice in her head sighed with frustration, how would you handle it if you suddenly weren’t a slayer? She’d only been a slayer for a decade, she thought, but she wasn’t so sure she could handle being anything else; he hadn’t been human for a century and she had just assumed that once he got over the shock he’d be thrilled. Why, the voice asked, because it’s better for you? He liked being a vampire. He told you as much. “You want to be a vampire.”
“I’m not saying…”
“No. You do. It’s ok. I get it.” She nodded like the whole thing was finally becoming clear.
“I’m not…”
“I don’t think you can lose the soul. I’ll talk with Willow, maybe she knows how you can get turned back.”
“Buffy?” He looked at her with a baffled expression.
“I want you to be happy. If you want to be a vampire…” She shrugged.
“I want you.”
“I’m not asking you to choose.”
Spike’s eyes widened. “You’re saying you’d still want me.”
“I love you.”
Spike tilted his head and squinted slightly. “You want me to be a vampire again so I can help you with the fight? ‘Cause I’m not…”
Buffy shook her head. “No. I…I want to make this clear. Sit down.” She pushed gently on his arm.
He stepped back slowly and sat on the bed again. She followed, tightening the towel and tucking its edge firmly so that she wouldn’t need to hold it anymore. She pushed him again so that he slid further onto the bed and then climbed up and sat on his knees. She took his hands and leaned back slightly so that she could meet his eyes. “I’m glad that you came back human. I like…I like listening to your heartbeat and I like seeing you blush and…” She took a tremulous breath “… and I like being able to hold you hand in the park in the middle of a sunny afternoon. I like all of that and I like…I like it, but I don’t need it. I need you. I love you and I want you and I’ll take you however I can get you. If…you need…”
He cut her off. His hands gripped her shoulders and he pulled her closer. His mouth met hers for a quick hard kiss. “Oh god Buffy.” He kissed her again. She’d stunned him. He couldn’t form words; he poured his spinning emotions into their kiss. She loves me. The knowledge hit him head on and he shook at its impact. She loves me. He continued to kiss her.
She pulled away and he tried to tug her back. “Spike please.”
Her words broke through the cloud of emotion, he froze and gave her a confused and terrified glance.
“Please.” She repeated, giving his shirt a tug. “I need to touch you.”
Finally realizing that she meant to take off his shirt, he pulled back and yanked it over his head. He reached out to pull her back into his arms but she evaded. “Buffy?” Her name came out as a whisper in a voice that didn’t sound like his own.
“Lie back.” She reached forward and pressed her hands against his chest, giving him a light shove. “I want to love you.”
Unable to do anything else, he complied, lying back on the bed and watching as Buffy looked at his chest. She ghosted a hand across his skin and looked up to meet his eyes. “You’re beautiful.”
He smiled and shook his head. “Rubbish compared to you.”
“No.” She slid her hand down and traced the circle of his bellybutton. Leaning forward she placed a soft kiss on his stomach and smiled at his groan. Buffy reached for the button of his jeans, pausing briefly with her fingertips pressed just under the denim. Her eyes met his. “I love you.” She waited, hoping he would accept it.
Spike could feel his eyes start to well again. He took a deep breath, clenched his teeth and nodded.
It was enough; Buffy undid the button, but not the zipper of his jeans. Black ones today, she noted briefly before realizing that he’d actually gone back to the all black as soon as Willow and Giles had arrived. It’s a costume; he’s said that before, she remembered distantly. She ran her hands down his denim covered thighs and then turned away to tug off his boots and socks.
He reached for her when she turned back, wanting desperately to hold her against his chest for a moment before flipping them both and burying himself deep inside her. But she pulled away once again.
He groaned loudly and she grinned. “My way this time.” She reached back upwards, lightly caressing him through the denim for a second before carefully lowering his zipper. She pulled off his jeans and then wiggled back to study her achievement.
She ran her eyes up and down his body with such a serious expression, that when she finally met his eyes again and said “I like you this way.” he couldn’t help but laugh.
“Naked you mean, luv?”
“Hmm…definitely naked and mine.”
He shuddered at the suddenly lustful look in her eyes. “Always knew you wanted my hot little body pet.” He smirked, but only for a second.
Buffy leaned over and took him into her mouth.
Spike moaned and threw his head back. This was different, he thought threading his hands into her hair. Note to self, her way is good. “Oh god, pet…that’s…oh…I don’t …you…I…oh god.”
She placed a light kiss on the tip, sat up and smiled. “Like that don’t you.”
He nodded dazedly.
“Umm…how about this?” She slipped her leg across his lap and settled herself on him with a smooth slide downwards.
He gripped her hips and watched as she began to move in a leisurely rhythm. “Yeah…” he said “…that’s good too. Your way…goo…” She started moving faster and he completely forgot what he’d been saying.
He only lasted a few more moments before reaching up and flipping them both so that he was on top. He smiled at her look of irritation and kissed her neck before whispering. “I just want to hold you luv. It’s the best part.”
Buffy felt a shiver at his words and smiled. It was hard to argue with that.
Buffy woke a short time later still wrapped in his arms. She snuggled closer and listened to his breathing. It was still slow and steady, but she could tell that he was awake as well. She turned to look at him and smiled. “That was…”
He grinned backed lazily. “Yeah.”
She laughed softly and reached up to cup the side of his face. Her expression turned serious. “I love you.”
He smiled. “I know Buffy. I love you too.”
She stretched up and kissed him softly. “I know.” She turned and snuggled back into his embrace. She waited a moment before speaking again. “So I guess we should talk to Willow and see if she has any ideas on how you can…”
“No.”
Buffy sat up and looked at him confusedly. “What do you mean? I thought…”
“Buffy, I don’t want to be a vampire. I want…I want to be…you deserve a man and I want to be that.” He sat up and reached tentatively for her hands.
She took his hands and squeezed them lightly. “I told you; I don’t need you be anything but you.”
“I know pet, and it was best thing anyone’s ever said to me. Hearing you …” He shook his head in amazement. “But you don’t understand. I want to be a man Buffy; I want to be ... I just don’t know. Men have jobs, and insurance and lawn mowers…I…” He shrugged.
Buffy smiled brightly, relief over his desire to be alive rushing through her. “Spike, I don’t expect you to be a nine to fiver.” She shook her head and reached out with both hands to cup his face. She kissed him quickly. “You just got back. You don’t have to know everything now. I don’t have it all figured. We can do it together. You and me; we can figure out our life together. It can be what we want. Okay?”
He nodded and smiled. “’kay pet.” He leaned over and kissed her thoroughly before gripping her shoulders firmly and pulling back. “I need you to…”
“What?” She took in his serious expression quizzically. “Spike?”
“I need you to understand that I can’t… not help you fight.” He held up a hand to prevent her from speaking. “It’s about me, not you this time luv. This is about me. This…” he gestured at himself and at her “…I didn’t earn this. I was just lucky, damn lucky. I don’t deserve it. I didn’t…I can’t pretend that I got the whole redemption thing. I’m not sure if I could ever really…I can’t forget what I was, the evil that I did. I need to help. I can’t be living and not try. I can’t be the man you deserve, I can’t be your partner, if I’m not even…”
She leaned over and kissed him. She had tears running slowly down her cheeks. “I get it, Spike. It scares me that you could get hurt, but I get it. And I respect it. We’ll…we’ll figure that out too okay?”
“So when you go patrolling later?”
Buffy took a deep breath. “You’ll come. If that’s what you want…because I’m respecting your choices.” She gave him a big smile. “See me respecting your decisions?”
He laughed and pulled her up against him. “Yeah I’m seein’ it. How about we see to your respectin’ my other stuff too?”
She laughed as he pushed her down on the bed. “That doesn’t even make sense, Spike.”
He shrugged. “Did it work anyway?” He leaned down to run kisses along her collarbone.
“Looks like.”
“Well then.” He brushed her hair back and kissed her forehead and then both cheeks. Maybe you love me?”
“I love you Spike.”
He looked at her smiled and cast his eyes downward. “I know. Maybe…maybe sometimes you could call me William…you know not in front of…” He looked up, blushing, and found her smiling. He shrugged. “If you want.”
“William.” She repeated his name softly.
He nodded.
“I love you.”
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