Buffy was dressed and finishing up the dishes when he came down. She smiled. “Hey.”
“Hey,” he echoed quietly.
It worried her, the quiet. Spike had never really been this quiet before. “Are you hungry?”
He nodded.
“Well then I guess it’s time to show off my newfound cooking skills.”
“You cook now?” He played along, hamming up his response as though that was even more shocking than his new human status.
“Oh you just wait mister, soon you’ll be eating your words…and also…scrambled eggs.”
“Well this I can’t wait to see.” He pulled himself up on the counter to watch.
Spike had enjoyed watching Buffy cook and even enjoyed eating the slightly burnt results, but he realized now that he should have talked her out of the shopping trip. It had sounded like a great idea to find something to wear that didn’t scream “I’m a nancy boy who went to Oxford and I’ve never slept with a woman,” but now they were in their fourth store and he’d met Shopping Buffy. He’d quickly decided that Shopping Buffy was actually more frightening than “I’m here to stake you” Buffy.
“I think we’ve ‘bout shopped this place out pet.”
Buffy laughed and shook her head. She spotted a black dress across the store and moved in on it like a missile. She grabbed it off the rack. “I’m gonna try it on.” She handed Spike the bag she was holding and verily danced in to the dressing room.
Spike looked at the bags in his hands and sighed, here was something he’d never imagined he’d be doing.
A moment later Buffy popped out of the dressing room. “What do ya think?” She turned.
Spike’s mouth went dry. ‘Think?’ “Bit short innit luv?”
“Too short?’ She pouted. “You don’t think I could pull it off”
“Oh you can pull it off, might need a bloody bodyguard, but you can pull it off.”
Buffy smiled. “Perfect.” She danced back into the dressing room. Well, she thought, at least you know he still finds you attractive. There was no denying the fact that there had been lust on Spike’s face when she’d come out a moment ago.
They visited two more stores before Buffy was satisfied. “I think that’s enough to get you started right?”
He raised his eyebrow in defiance. “Pet I was good a decade ago.”
She smiled. He’d wanted to stop at a pair of jeans and a couple of black t-shirts. She’d had to push for a more well-rounded wardrobe. He’d just looked too cute in the Watcher’s clothes. She’d managed to sneak a few blue shirts into their bags.
“What do you want to do today? Seems like you can be outside in the sun. Did you want…”
Spike shrugged. “Don’t suppose you’ve got an Xbox?”
Buffy grinned mischievously. “Nope, but we can get one.”
Spike shook his head. “They’re not cheap pet.”
Buffy’s smile deepened. “Not a problem. The council was totally holding out on me. I’ve got plenty of cash.”
Spike chuckled. “In that case…”
Forty-five minutes later they walked back in the townhouse and began depositing the bags on floor. They’d picked up an Xbox and several games.
Spike grinned. “Let’s get this set up.” He held up a game. “’Cause I’m gonna kick your cute little ass Slayer.”
“Dream on.”
****************************************************************
Buffy had made with the big talk, but she had really never played video games. Spike was absolutely kicking her ass. After his seventh victory, he made his character perform an amusing little victory dance.
She laughed. “All right I surrender.”
Spike laughed and gave her an expression of mocked shock. “So easily?,” he asked; “surely not Slayer.”
There it was again, she thought, he was calling her Slayer again. She couldn’t help but wonder what it meant. “When did you get so good at this?”
“Doc said it’d be good PT for me after…” He trailed off realizing that he hadn’t told Buffy about his experiences with Dana yet.
“Your hands, Andrew told me.” She got quiet for a moment. “I didn’t know until after…he didn’t…” She put down the controller. “Why didn’t you tell me you were alive?”
Spike looked up startled. He’d known the question would come eventually, but she’d surprised him with it just the same. “I…I don’t know. I wanted to. At first…At first I couldn’t, I mean really couldn’t; I was like a soddin’ ghost. Then I… I was scared.” He shrugged. There it was, he thought, there’s the truth.
“Why? I told you…” Her voice dropped to a whisper as she turned away, unable to meet his gaze. “I told you I loved you.”
“Yeah, but…” He shrugged.
Buffy turned back, eyes blazing with anger and pain. “I meant it.” She stood up and walked up the stairs.
Spike sat for a moment before his own anger raged large enough to propel him up the stairs after her. He yanked open her bedroom door.
“You kissed him. I saw you. You said that I…but then you kissed him. How did you think I felt? How was I supposed to believe…right after you kissed him? I know I don’t deserve…but you can’t say you loved me…I saw you.”
Watching Spike’s stricken face quickly caused Buffy’s anger to drain. It was just as quickly replaced with guilt. It was her fault, she confessed. She’d known that already, but looking at the pain in his eyes now made it all the more real. She didn’t know what to say.
Her silence frustrated him. He couldn’t help but accept her non-answer as an admission. He’d been right, he knew it; she’d only said the words to be kind.
She watched him turn and walk away to hide in the room she already thought of as his, but not before she caught a glimpse of the tears. He was crying, she realized, and it was her fault.
The hopeful voice in her head pleaded and shouted at her to follow. “Don’t let it end like this,” it shouted. She’d been given another chance, she thought, she had to try harder.
She slowly made her way from her room to his. She didn’t bother to knock, knowing that he’d only send her away. She opened the door and met his tears with her own. “I’m…I’m sorry and you’re right.”
Spike stared at her as though horrified. “You’ve what, come to rub it in…I can never be good enough…got it pet…don’t need…”
“No…you were right when you said I shouldn’t have kissed him. I should have seen you, seen us.” She paused to pull together her courage. “But you were wrong when you said I didn’t love you. I did, I just didn’t realize it until it was too late.” She turned to walk away and whispered “I’m sorry.”
His hand snaked out and grabbed her wrist before she could leave. She turned and he pulled her down to sit next to him on the bed. She watched him, waiting for a something to tell her why he’d stopped her.
He was trembling. He hated that, hated that he couldn’t hide even that display of weakness. But then he had no pride where she was concerned, he’d already admitted it. “And now?” He let his head drop to the side and with his stormy eyes burning a hole in her soul, he waited.
“Now?”
“Do you…?” He couldn’t ask, couldn’t put himself out there again. There just wasn’t enough left.
Her eyes widened as the question he was trying to ask became clear. She nodded slowly. “Yeah; I still love you.”
His lips curved, but the smile didn’t quite reach his eyes. He looked down, focused on his hands. “I want to believe you, but…” He shrugged.
She almost ran at that; it felt like a dismissal and she’d never liked crying in front of someone else. But she didn’t. She forced herself to stay seated, forced back all the snarky comments designed to help her save face and decided to try something new. “Guess I’ll have to work on that.”
It worked, Spike was startled enough to look up at her quizzically.
She smiled and he almost melted. The voice telling him that he was a fool was just a little too loud though, so he just waited.
“Will you stay until we figure this whole ‘return from the dead as a human’ thing out? I called Giles this morning before breakfast. They should be here within a couple of days. I just…I just got you back, I need to know that they can’t just take you away again…that you’ll be ok.” When he frowned, Buffy realized that she’d left something out. She put hand on his tentatively. “Spike I’m not saying I want you to leave after we figure it out; I’m just asking you to stay at least until we do.”
He sighed. “Both know I’ll do whatever you want pet, hell you own me now right?”
“Spike that’s not…I don’t want it to be like that.”
“Just being honest luv, we both know how it is.”
She sighed. “Fine. Take off your shirt.”
Spike glared at her, eyes wide, jaw-dropped. “What?” He stood up. “Have you…”
Buffy giggled and cut him off. “You’re still hurting. Sore, probably. You don’t heal as fast as…as before. I’ve got something that should help. Take off your shirt.” With that she stood up and walked out of the room.
He listened to her opening drawers and shifting through things in the other room for a moment before doing as he was told. She returned a moment later carrying a glass bottle. “What’s that then?”
“It’s just a rub, mostly herbal. Tara used to make it for me before…”
Spike sighed as she trailed off. She’s lost too many friends for someone so young, he thought. “I liked her, Glenda the Good Witch, she was…”
“Nice.”
“Yeah. Treated me like…” he shrugged. “Like I was a person.”
Buffy nodded. “She knew about us…when we were…”
Spike looked surprised for a moment and then laughed. “Your birthday. Chit knew then didn’t she?”
Buffy nodded. “I think…yeah.”
Spike laughed for a moment longer. “Yeah.” She’d played him all evening he realized now. Well good on her, he thought, I knew there was something stronger hiding in the little mouse.
“This will be easier if you lie down.”
Spike grinned and waggled an eyebrow in an attempt to hide the affect the mere thought of her touching him had. He sat on the bed, pulled his legs up and leaned back, hands under his head. “Sure thing pet.”
“Roll over.” Buffy kneeled on the bed next to him.
He hesitated for a second, but complied. This would be harder, he realized, not knowing when her fingers were going to make contact with his skin would make it harder to still his responses. He closed his eyes; glad she couldn’t see that at least, he tried to ready himself.
Buffy watched as he tensed every muscle in his back. “Spike relax, it won’t hurt. I promise.”
Spike laughed and muttered “’course not.”
Buffy poured the oil on to her hand and smiled as it immediately warmed, that part was magic. She rubbed her hands together and then laid them on the center of his back. She grinned when the muscles there rippled at her fingertips and began to softly rub the oil upward across his sore shoulders. She kept her touch light, spreading the oil across the entirety of his back and pausing twice to get more oil. Through it all he remained still and tense. She brought her hands up to the top of his spine, thumb on either side, and she began to use more pressure. “Relax.”
Sure, he thought, that’ll happen. He tried to remember the last time someone had done something like this for him He came up blank. Dru had liked to play at giving back rubs from time to time, but she’d always liked using his own blood as the oil. Aside from that, he wondered, who would have ever bothered. Harm probably would have given it a shot, but she’d have probably driven him insane with her chatter at the same time. He smirked; it wasn’t like this sort of thing was a part of his life before he was turned. No, he thought, he was almost a hundred and fifty years old and this was the first time someone had ever really given him a back rub. The thoughts distracted him from guarding his response and when her fingers pressed on a particularly tense spot, he moaned deeply.
Buffy’s stomach clenched at the sound; deep, almost a growl, and so sexy, it fed her confidence. She scooted closer and placed one knee on either side of his hips so she sat straddled across his thighs. The position made it easier for her to apply a firm pressure behind her hands. “Let me know if I get too rough.”
For a moment after feeling her bottom land on the back of his legs, Spike forgot to keep breathing, he inhaled and held. At her words he released the breath in a swift hiss. Should make a smart ass remark, he thought. But his ability to prepare one was temporarily lost.
Buffy studied his back as she rubbed. She’d never really seen him up close in the light. She could see now all the faint scars she’d missed before. They didn’t make him any less beautiful, she realized, though the sight of them made her want to cry. After a few more minutes, she scooted back off. “Roll over.”
“What?”
“Roll over. I wanna do your front.”
“That’s… I’m fine. I…”
“Spike.” Buffy said his name with exasperation and gave him a light shove.
He complied, hating the tell-tale blush he felt heating his cheeks. He hated being human again already. Vampires don’t blush; they don’t have enough extra blood to waste any making a big sign to announce their embarrassment.
Buffy noticed that he was blushing, but pretended otherwise. She just settled back across his thighs and reached for the oil.
“Pet…I can’t…oh god Buffy.” He gasped as she ran her hands down his chest.
Buffy feigned innocence. “Does that hurt?” She scrunched her nose as though confused.
“No…I just...you surprised me is all. It’s nothing. But I think that’s enough yeah?” He moved to sit up.
Buffy stopped him with her hands on his shoulders. “But you still look sore.”
His eyes widened as he realized that she knew exactly what she was doing to him. He pulled away standing up in shock. “What are you doing?”
Buffy had to fight back a smile; he just looked too cute there blushing pink and still all shiny from the oil, a look of indignation on his face. “I just wanted to make you feel better.”
“Why?”
“I told you why.”
He was next to her in a second, kneeling on the bed his hands gripping her arms. “Say it again.” His voice came out rough, a desperate edge pulling on her heart.
“I love you.”
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